Is this normal?

[Hoju]

Elltee, you sound like a really great guy and any girl would be lucky to have you. However, YOU want your W back right? Which means as unfair as it is YOU have to put the work in. No one is going to judge you for anything you've done, we are all here because of our actions and are only trying to help.

Judging from your first post and the most recent one you are still focusing on issue YOU had with the M. This isn't about right or wrong, it isn't about what should happen in a M, this isn't about you or what you want. You really need to think about if this is something you really want to save because it wont be easy. Are you prepared to live with having to visit her family? With her being irresponsible with finances? With her not being willing to talk about issues you deem important? These aspects of her personality may or may not ever change, with time and MC hopefully you can come to a mutual understanding and compromise but there are no guarantees.

Did your W say she drank to much or that you did?
Did your W complain about having too many chores to do or about feeling unappreciated for the ones she did do?
Did she ever complain about the puppy's training or your lack of interest in training the puppy?
Did she complain about the finances or worry about your future finances?
Did she complain about the amount of time you spent on your phone or in front of the tv?
Did she complain about you not wanting to talk about the issues you may have been having?

Sorry if I'm mistaken but these all sound like issues you had with the M not nessesarily issues she had. You need to focus on what she wanted done differently, where you went wrong no more blaming her.

To start with 180s you said she said you weren't any fun. Well get out and start doing things, the best part is they don't have to be things she would think are fun. You are going to do them because you enjoy it and are now your own free man moving forward. Go sailing, start cycling, go see a jazz show, spend time with your new puppy walk and train it, try something new like frisbee golf or bubble soccer. Don't worry if your W is watching or not that is not why you are doing these things... And i can guarantee you she will be watching even when it seems she isn't.

[elltee2]

That's a good point about having to put the work in. You're totally right. As far as assessing whether I really want to save the marriage-I'm a bit conflicted but believe my default mentality should be trying to save it as I made a promise, and felt very strongly the M was what I wanted at the time. I also genuinely believe we didn't give the M a fair shot.

Did your W say she drank to much or that you did?
My W drinks a bottle of wine every night...Sometimes two. She doesn't typically get destructive or act poorly so not sure if this is alcoholism or self medicating or what. Maybe she just likes the taste? I've been reluctant to judge...the habit is expensive though. I usually have a beer or two. The only time the alcohol consumption gets in the way of things is if we try to go out at night to do something that doesn't involve wine. That troubles her a bit, and we usually have to stop at the store.

Did your W complain about having too many chores to do or about feeling unappreciated for the ones she did do?
She never complained about chores, just didn't do them even after they were discussed. When she did a chore I tried to remember to tell her what a great job she did, but didn't always. Probably should have done better with that.

Did she ever complain about the puppy's training or your lack of interest in training the puppy?
She didn't like the puppy having accidents in the house, but also didn't like taking her out. I have been taking her to PetSmart training classes, but my W doesn't come. I invite her but she prefers to chill at home. Last week she told me the puppy was a lot more work than she thought and said in the divorce I can keep her.

Did she complain about the finances or worry about your future finances?
Never. But she would spend money we probably shouldn't. We have a comfortable life for which I'm super grateful, but whenever we go out she buys everyone drinks, and sometimes food, too. She likes to show off a bit...I'm not like that. Or maybe she just likes to take care of people... not really sure what compels her to do it. We don't have that kind of money. I contribute 10% of every paycheck to my retirement fund, and automatically contribute to a mutual fund every check, too. She thinks that both are a waste.


Did she complain about the amount of time you spent on your phone or in front of the tv?
Yes about the phone. So I have tried to get better with that. I like to read a lot of silly news sites so when I do check them out I try to share the articles with her. Overall have decreased the phone activity, though. When I goof around on my phone it's never on Facebook or anything because I'm not a social media person. She prefers more TV time to just relax and decompress.


Did she complain about you not wanting to talk about the issues you may have been having?
No. Maybe she rendered hints but I missed the signs?

I am not sure what she really wanted or needed in the relationship anymore, and she isn't ready to talk about it.

What you said about the GAL stuff is on point, so thank you. I just signed up for a swing dancing class one night a week-she loves to dance and I'm terrible at it. Also we moved to a new area so it'll be a good way to make friends, and a fun thing to do with my older ones. After that becomes a habit I'll try to build and find another cool thing to do.

I've asked her what issues she had in the marriage from time to time. If everything is okay or if she needed anything. Typically a conversation like that would culminate in her asking for a weekend away to visit a friend or something. They never went so well, and I've been blaming myself for not asking more questions and noticing any hints she may have dropped.

[Cadet]

What you said about the GAL stuff is on point, so thank you. I just signed up for a swing dancing class one night a week-she loves to dance and I'm terrible at it. Also we moved to a new area so it'll be a good way to make friends, and a fun thing to do with my older ones. After that becomes a habit I'll try to build and find another cool thing to do.

A couple of things here.

Was she drinking like this before you got married and you married anyways?
Did you think she would change after marriage?

When you make changes to yourself ^^^^^ it is for YOU.
To make yourself into the person that YOU want to be.
Not to win her back.
Take the dance lessons if YOU want it but not to win her back. OK?

[elltee2]

Cadet,
The short answer is no-she wasn't so aggressive with the drinking before we got married. Although, I drank much more regularly before the M. Pre-M she would open a bottle after work but usually wouldn't finish it. We would be too busy talking, goofing off or actually being intimate and she would sorta forget about it. Now she even drinks on weekends before noon. A few times I have brought it up but she insists that she just enjoys it and doesn't like being made to feel guilty about it. Also, before the M she smoked. After she stopped she starting drinking more heavily, and the quitting smoking was the justification.

My biggest goal is to get my pilot's license but I have to put resuming that goal off until after winter. She discouraged my flying after we were married because she thought it was frivolous and silly. Although I love to fly, maybe it is a bit silly and weird? I'm just going to try not to think about it.

I figured swing dancing is more winter friendly and a good way to be more social. I am doing it for me, but also a bit for her just in case. Figured it would be constructive to try something on my own that we both would want to do if something worked out. Is that a positive/constructive way to think?

[Cadet]

My biggest goal is to get my pilot's license but I have to put resuming that goal off until after winter. She discouraged my flying after we were married because she thought it was frivolous and silly. Although I love to fly, maybe it is a bit silly and weird?

Well I have 3000 hours of flying time so I am the wrong one to ask about this......

[elltee2]

No way! That's awesome.

Thanks for all the support and advice. It helps a ton. Thank you thank you thank you.

[CMS]

Im no expert so take my advice with a grain of salt. HOwever I have spent alot of time on here reading the vets advice on other threads. Each sitch is unique but the actions, reactions, emotions and ultimately the approach to handling the sitch are all the same.
I am very sorry to hear your in this situation but I have to be honest. When reading you talk about your sitch it has been almost solely focused on the things you were so unhappy about. the things she did that you wish she didnt. The actions and attitude you wish she would change. Many people early on spend too much time wallowing in their own self pity rethinking all the things THEY could have changed or done to prevent this. Alll though uhealthy this reflection does give oppurtunity for correction which is where the 180's come from.

If your so unhappy with who your wife is why do you want to save the M? IF you want to save your M stop talking and focusing on what she has done or what changed about her and what issues she has. Thats for her to work out. you can only focus on YOU and change YOU. if everytime you go to see what you should change about you and you see a great guy who really had very little to be at fault for then you need to rethink whether reconciliation is a good idea. R fail because of two people not just one. In rare cases where a good guy M the wrong girl and he did nothing to cause it fail (especially with young marriages) than maybe hard as it is the thing needing to change is finding the right person.

In the end you have to focus on you regardless. you will never be happy till you truly find out what makes you happy. Like all things though its always easier said than done.

[elltee2]

I want to save the M because this is basically our first set of conflicts. Ever. We have really never fought before, and I think a major issue is that neither one of us knew how to sit down and discuss what bothered us without being accusatory and with the intent to work together to find solutions. I absolutely just thought we were in a rut, and when she dropped the D bomb, I was finally sitting her down to discuss how to get out of the rut and potential solutions.

Sure, there are plenty of unresolved issues but nothing insurmountable yet. It is hard coming home from work everyday and spending every night having dinner with her and watching the television with her like everything is normal, before retiring to our separate bedrooms for the evening with some physical contact but nothing sexual. Whenever I bring anything up about the R she gets very defensive and totally detaches.

I don't really feel badly for myself and I'm not wallowing in pity. Sure there are things I could have done and said differently in the past but I am just genuinely puzzled about the whole situation. Although we live together, like I said this week she is staying with coworkers and working at an office a few hours away. It is weird to me she doesn't express a sense of loneliness or reach out in a moment of weakness. Not sure if that means she is either having an A or so shut down and resentful she is just numb.

I feel conflicted on my own. Sure, being in the house we bought together makes me feel a bit lonely. But the household is easier to manage when she isn't around, and things are definitely less awkward. On the other hand, I know M couples are supposed to work through things like this...we got married because we were theoretically willing to stick together when things aren't easy anymore. This is what makes M couples strong, and I would be enthusiastic to go to counseling, make compromises and do things differently. I have expressed this to her and it freaks her out. I am trying to get it, but I just don't. Guess the best way to be supportive is to let her have her space and work on some meaningful 180's.

[elltee2]

This week WAW isn't coming back to the house, although all of her things are here. I am not sure if she is staying with coworkers and immersing herself in work, as she says, or if she is having an EA or PA. Maybe even a combination of the two.

I deleted all my social media but a friend texted me today to let me know she thinks there is something up with my wife and an OM. The OM is apparently a "rapper, singer, dancer" and they've had some suspicious exchanges online. It really hurts to think about.

I need to figure out if I am really willing to save the M. Here are a list of pros and cons to saving M, at least as I see them.

Pros:
Duty/responsibility of a M. I won't feel like a failure.
Honoring promises.
Won't feel so lonely.
Maybe we will feel what we used to feel together.
Maybe we were right and really made for eachother and just lot sight of what matters in the whirlwind of responsibilities and changes
Potential for fulfilling relationship for both parties emotionally and otherwise

Cons:
I may be better off alone. This is a major betrayal.
I'm still young...maybe she isn't right for me and I can meet the woman who is
Other than the loneliness, I feel more stress-free overall, and able to pursue my goals and enjoy more out of the house activities
It will be easier to get my finances back in order alone.
The house is much much cleaner and is starting to feel a bit more like home

The sad part is the cons are so much easier to write. My friends and family were all upset by how she treated me during the M and discussed it with me several times over the months. I did feel overwhelmingly ignored, vulnerable and insignificant because when she had to chose between time with me and time with friends or family, she always left me in the dust. I was often unable to go with her on these occasions because it was a drill weekend, but since I am an officer I get my own separate hotel room that she used to enjoy visiting. She stopped joining me a while ago. Also, some weekends she waits until she knows I am home and then just makes plans to leave, and I have to stay with the dogs. We have 2.

At the same time, it was comforting to have someone to come home to. When I saw her smile it reminded me of how I felt when I met her, all the hope and optimism and I was confident we were just in a rut and getting used to the house and new jobs.

What my gut is telling me is that something not okay is going on here, and I need to try to get out asap at least to protect myself financially. My fault or not, who knows? Maybe I drove her away or maybe it wasn't me and decided that married life at 23 with a house and a dog wasn't what she had envisioned. Either way, moving on seems so hard! Don't get me wrong, I legitimately have not felt the love in the relationship that I should in quite a while. I just thought we could get it back, and she isn't interested in trying. All of my friends and family are insisting I am so much better off, she took advantage of me financially, she lied about too many things (credit card issues, failed to make payments, her college degree). They tell me I am in a great position in life to go do great things and meet great people. Logically, on paper they are all totally right. But why do I feel this illogical despair? Why do I miss her?

The bottom line is we don't have the long history a lot of people on here have. We have only been married 7 months, so we don't have the track record to get her to come back. If moving on is so right, then why do I feel so torn up inside? Does anyone else has experience with this? Is it callous to just roll with the divorce to protect myself financially? Need guidance, please.

[Cadet]

Yes protect yourself financially.

Re-read my first post to you.
The #1 thing to do is to DETACH.

Moving forward is the only way that you can go.
You cant go backwards.

That may or may not mean "moving on" but you cant sit still.

There is lots to learn about love and relationships.
And you can't put into your marriage more than all of the 50% that is your share.

Lots to think about and work on but you are in the right place.