Is this normal?

[MrBond]

Have you read the DB and DR books yet?

[Hoju]

When you say it would bother you to try and cover up your issues with the term "date night" what issues are you referring to? the 2 month long distance work term and her sister? While these are things that definitely need to be discussed with your wife and would cause conflict I wouldn't call them relationship "issues", you need to look past the situations to find the core issues. Emotional neglect is absolutely a relationship issue (my big one), maybe you can go into more detail on that?

I'm not sure how long you've been together but given your ages I would guess only a couple years. It's likely your relationship moved from the honeymoon phase to the power struggle phase. As your title asked "is this normal" well simply put yes it is, although most couples aren't married for it. This is the time when all those little things that you used to let slide now annoy you, it's the time you find out who your partner truely is with your blinders off. It's the time when you decide what you can and can't live with. You should do a quick google search on the stages of a relationship it might help you get an idea of what is going on.

Also pick up and read 5 love languages it is by far one of the best books you will ever read for your current relationship or any you will have in the future.

[elltee2]

Hoju- thanks for your response. I Googled the power struggle phase and that is exactly what it sounds like we are in. And just ordered the 5 love languages.

The "date night" issues I was referring to are all pretty trivial to me but to her they are a big deal. Some of our biggest issues were that we drink too much, spend too much time on our phones, watch too much television, don't give the puppy enough training/attention, and the chores aren't evenly shared. We also were not saving money, and not trying to figure out a list of priorities when it came to working on the new house. One weekend a month she wanted to spend away with her family (5 hours away) which I had a hard time with. It was hard for me to spend an entire weekend a month with my inlaws (although they're fine people) and one weekend at drill. That leaves me with only 2 weekends a month to do anything with the house or just relax. It also made me feel like with our weekend and work schedules we just didn't have enough time to relax together and connect. When her family visited us, which I always welcomed them to, they would sorta takeover our household and her younger sister didn't respect boundaries. We talked several times about the irritating things my parents do and they corrected them, but she refused to talk about any boundaries involving her family.

When I tried to discuss these issues she would just say I was stressing her out and need to relax because she doesn't want to talk about it due to her stressful (every)day at work. We never ended up talking about the issues. She now asserts that there is nothing to talk about because we are just incompatible and need to move on. I just don't get it because she said she was anti-divorce. How do we know we can't fix things if we never even try? Of course there are things about her that make me furious and I am sure she feels the same...but I just don't get why she shut down and won't even try.

I tried to find fun things to do to get us out of the house-got a Groupon for dance classes, brought her to yoga a few times, but nothing became a habit.

[Cadet]

You are the same age as my children, maybe even younger.

It almost sounds to me like she has not grown up yet.

You realize that you didn't BREAK her and you can not FIX her.

Wish I could give you a button to press to be able to do that but it does not work that way.
Read DB and DR, think counter inuitively and DO what WORKS.

Why was she attracted to you,
and vice versa?

Keep posting.

[elltee2]

Cadet,
Thanks for the ongoing support. It means a lot.

My attraction to her: She was 22, ambitious with a great job. Completed college in 3 years, loyal, kind, funny, exuberant. She could light up a room and make anyone feel welcome. Shew as warm, adventurous and enjoyed trying new things. We could talk for hours. We seemed to be on the same page with everything we wanted. Shes tall and beautiful with gorgeous natural curls in her hair and a smile like a movie star. We were a good team and she made me feel so loved and supportive. She was my beautiful best friend and my everything. I loved hearing her input and playing "would you rather." I loved that she introduced me to great movies and was just so great...in every way.

Subsequent problems with attraction to her: Sometimes I felt she was too friendly...with everyone. (Offered to be a surrogate for our gay neighbors our second time meeting them). Was informed (by her father) she didn't really finish college...she "graduated" in 3 years a few courses short and kept rolling and applying for jobs as thought her degree was completed. Had difficulty determining if that was a lie or just something she doesn't think about? She left me alone on my birthday to go partying with her sister which made me feel abandoned. She stopped helping around the house and paying bills. She stopped being warm and fun in group settings and became too involved with social media and grew distant. Gained weight and stopped going outside, even to walk our puppy. She also would introduce me as a lawyer every chance she got which bothered me. She would tell anyone who listened and it sounded so pretentious. What I do to support us doesn't define me. I would have much preferred "This is my spouse...who also likes cycling! Maybe you two would get along."

Her attraction to me: I am very fit and hard working. I'm relatively attractive but nothing too special. I am creative and do a lot of fun things that people find interesting; record collection, enjoy jazz, play instruments, sail etc. I am reliable, supportive, punctual and receptive to criticism. I loved trying new things with her and she said she's never met anyone like me before. We just clicked. I am also dynamic, if I am doing something crappy and someone tells me I usually just...stop being so crappy. No big deal. My parents contend that she only liked me on paper, or what she thought I could do for her.

Subsequent problems with attraction to me: She hasn't told me-just said we aren't compatible. I am sure a lot of it stemmed from how our dynamic changed when we got the house and puppy, though. We used to go away every weekend but now that we have projects to do in the house, and a puppy, I don't think its smart or feasible to go away as much as we did.

[Cadet]

New to DB. Have read a lot of the forums and book excerpts, ordered the book today. Although, this isn't my first post.

A few weeks ago my wife told me she didn't know if she wanted to work on things or not. We are living in the same house in separate bedrooms. Before coming to DB I did all the wrong things. Sometimes we would have great nights together and keep things light but other nights she would spend the whole time on her phone and I would question her about it. Last week I got sick of the rollercoaster and told her that I am filing. Just felt like she was taking adv short and kept rolling and applying for jobs as thought her degree was completed. Had difficulty determining if that was a lie or just something she doesn't think about? She left me alone on my birthday to go partying with her sister which made me feel abandoned. She stopped helping around the house and paying bills. She stopped being warm and fun in group settings and became too involved with social media and grew distant. Gained weight and stopped going outside, even to walk our puppy. She also would introantage of me and I was embarrassed she not only wouldn't discuss what is going on but also not really make a decision. Ended up filing Friday.

This weekend while she was away she took me off all her social media and changed her name back to her maiden one, along with adding a ton of new friends. I asked her about it and begged her to just admit shes having an affair so I can move on. She just shut down and told me to stop accusing her.

The other day I started really reading up on DB and posts here, realizing I really screwed up and hoping it's not too late. She is working at a satellite office for work so she will be gone for about a week. Last night I spoke to her to invite her to come home and apologize for my behavior, telling her I would give her space. I also admitted that having good nights with her confused me, to which she replied that just because things are going well doesn't mean we aren't getting a divorce. That was shocking. She told me that when I try to talk about things she shuts down and she is so shut down she probably won't ever open up again. She is seeing a therapist to talk about her own personal issues and our marriage hasn't even come up yet...which seemed crazy to me. How could that possibly be?! I asked if down the road to make sure the divorce is the right decision we could see a therapist together for a visit or two and discuss and she said that it's a good suggestion but she just isn't feeling it-our fundamental differences are so vast they won't be overcome. We are just friends. Ouch.

It appears that the advice is to GAL and give space. I deleted her number and everything (didn't tell her that) but let her know she is welcome home, or if she is having a tough week at work I'm happy to go hangout with her a bit and keep things light. She said she'd keep that in mind.

I plan to leave my parents house and go back to our home tonight. Some friends are coming over this weekend to help me paint and work on one of the bedrooms, and I also intend to return to the gym (haven't gone in a week), and read the DB book and Love Languages cover to cover as soon as they arrive. I know that not losing my cool is crucial so I need to stay calm, and do some 180's. I will not initiate contact or accuse, and try to create a warm comfortable home environment. I will also do the work on the house that I have wanted to do because it is important for me to make the house feel like home.

Does anyone have any other suggestions? Is there any hope? She dropped the bomb about a month ago and I have been all over the place...but maybe when she said she was considering it she was already done...I don't know.

Stick to one thread until you get to 100 posts.

Too many threads is hard to keep track of.

[Cadet]

I asked her about it and begged her to just admit shes having an affair so I can move on.
She just shut down and told me to stop accusing her.

Do you really need an answer to this question?
If she is having an affair then you are done?

DB says not to beg, plead or bargain.

Its never too late but it is not going to play out the way you are expecting.

[elltee2]

I recognized that I shouldn't need an answer to that question. Just wish I felt more confident that I was being told the truth. If she is having an affair I would probably still want to work on things, it would just be a different feeling and different approach. Is it really never too late?

[Cadet]

I would probably still want to work on things, it would just be a different feeling and different approach.

Is it really never too late?

Well DB/180's is a different feeling and a different approach

And as far as it being too late, here is the thing with that.

The LBS gets to decide when it is over.
I have seen it work that way - always.

If you have not gotten to decide yet, then it is not yet over.

[elltee2]

I definitely don't want it to be over. So I'll continue the 180's, goal setting and having fun with family and friends.

I see what you say about the LBS having more control over the situation than expected, which is great and hopeful. The thing she said that has concerned me the most is "Having fun together doesn't mean we aren't getting divorced. We are just friends. We aren't compatible." Not sure if anything I do or decide could ever change that sentiment, although I'd like to think that I could. Maybe the unconfirmed EA or PA is just keeping her distracted.