Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 19
M
New Member
Offline
New Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 19
I'm confused about posting since my posts weren't responded to. Can someone help out?

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
Hi Tarheel,

I totally get what you are saying about being friendly vs freezing her out. I have debated this question on my thread recently and thought about it a lot. I agree with vossy in your case since you have children you need to remain cordial for their sake. However, on top of being friendly for the kids, what else do you do? I get the desire of wanting her to hurt as much as you do, of taking away your friendship to hurt her. I am questioning the same thing and I am constantly going back and forth on this.

Would it make her miss you if you take your friendship away? Yes, probably. That has happened in my situation. But then what? Once she misses your friendship then what do you do? Do you then be friendly again because she missed you? Then she won't miss you anymore! Argh!

So I say be slightly friendly and continue to show her how incredible you are. Show off that PMA and 180s! But don't give "extra", just be friendly neighbor and let her pursue your friendship.

Good luck Tarheel!
Hugs, Lisa

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 19
M
New Member
Offline
New Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 19
I'd love some feedback on what you mean by slightly friendly. Can you give an example or two? Can I suggest that it would be nice to talk soon or is that imposing? He seems to like it when I share something wonderful about our past although he doesn't bring it up. He seems to share his issues with his S and friends and want my advice but not comfortable with bring the same situation to us. Do I just ask him about his week? What is nice friendly?

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: tarheel
I'm ICing myself- I recognize that a very big part of it is me still trying to control W's feelings- I want her to have a sense of loss (my friendship), I want her to hurt, I want her to regret her decision, I want her to recognize what she did was wrong (in my eyes). I don't want her to feel justified in her actions and decision by my remaining friendly with her. I want her to be held accountable for what she's put me through.

This is very insightful. I've come to a similar realization recently that all my pleading, crying, i-love-you-ing (in my head only for the last month) is actually an attempt to control my W. Same for all the ways in which I would explain to her that her decision is wrong. This feeling has to go. This anger directed at her for her rash and hurtful decision. It seems to mean that we haven't understood our wives yet, that we haven't come to the place where we love them in acceptance: the only place where they'll be looking for us -- or anyone.

When I met my wife some 10 years ago, she was very damaged. She had been cheated on, had made suicide attempts and was done with love. At the time, I could reach her because I was not involved in her past. I could listen without being defensive. I could offer tons of empathy. I was a break from the pain, a safe place. Now, I'm the bad past, so it's so much harder, but I need to go back to that place. When she says she wasn't happy, I don't need to remind her of her responsibility in the breakup, I need to validate. Ten years ago, I was offering an escape from the past to my wife, not a return to it. I was this breadth of fresh air she was looking for. The only way for us to win them back is to be that again. And the more sincere we are, the better our chances.

There's this scene in a movie (comedy) where the wife is lying in bed in the afternoon, curtains drawn. Her husband comes in and asks her what's wrong. She says "I'm depressed" to which he jovially replies "No you're not!" This, in a nutshell, is what we do wrong with our spouses when we deny their feelings or interpretations. It's not for us to tell them how they feel or what they go through. Or even to interpret what they lived. This is part of my resolutions if we ever get back together: no more arguing with her feelings because she's the only person who knows how she feels and that her interpretation of our R is precious information for me. I should welcome it.

Originally Posted By: tarheel
So if I decide I'm done DBing, I move forward as a co-parent and that's it. No reason for small talk or treating her like a neighbor. However, if I decide I still want to continue with DB, I remain friendly with W.

The way I justify the DBing to me and my friends is that it promotes the same kind of behavior if I'm pursuing my W or if I'm moving on. Being cordial is simply the right thing to do. Let's remain proud of our behavior down the road. There's not only your W judging you in this, but many more including the kids. And your future self. If you're still only friendly to your W so she comes back, how friendly are you really? Do you really love her or, deep down, are you just trying to gain back control over her? What are the chances that you will be a better man after a few weeks or months back together? You won't be controlling anymore once she's back? Our separation puts us in the weakest position possible with our W, so it's a good time to test our limits. How much we can let go. Because we have no choice. Our W are gone. We need to reframe our relationship with them. They're much more like a new girl than our old partner. Perhaps that could help you: imagine how you would approach a brand new girl, how little control you would try to exert over her, knowing that you don't have any.

The day you'll be able to chitchat cordially with your W without any hope of winning her back, you'll be in a better place than ever.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 266
1
Member
Offline
Member
1
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 266
Are you sure you're not a vet?


M: 33
W: 33
M: 9 T: 10
3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5
BD: 8/3/14
Living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: 1foot2
Are you sure you're not a vet?

You're asking me? Haha. No, I'm not. Until just over a month ago, I had never heard about any of this and it is what pains me most. I feel like I missed all the signs that my W was going to talk away, while they were so obvious. She told me she didn't like coming home, that she was detaching from me, that she didn't look forward to my return, she started going out with her new colleagues, etc. Yet, I never thought we would separate. What a fool. I'm not a vet, but I've been under fire already.

(sorry Tarheel - don't mean to hijack your thread! mine's here for those interested in my situation)


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
T
Tarheel Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
Snapped out of my funk a little yesterday, so sent W a text apologizing for the lack of communication as I was dealing with some emotions and asked if she'd like to talk later in the day about kids/budget (she had proposed in her earlier email). She responded that she had been feeling overwhelmed and emotional too and that she'd drop the kids off later. She needed a 'me day' to relax and decompress (she seems to be racking those up!). She asked about meeting tonight instead.

Last night, she had to drop something off for the kids, so text me that she had left it on the front porch. I asked why she hadn't at least knocked and she said she didn't want to stir the dogs up and was tired. Then another text that she didn't think I wanted to talk to her anyways.

(2x4 alert)- I broke and responded that 'Truth is, I miss you.' She responded that she missed me too, but our current R is not healthy- up and down, back and forth. She then asked if I wanted to come by her new place for dinner this week or if that was too painful. I told her I'd think about it. We briefly talked about why we stopped going to MC with her reasoning being that she didn't feel like we were making progress. Not sure what she was expecting since we only went for a month.

As far as I know, she's still planning on meeting with an atty today to discuss our sitch. Will be interesting to see if she mentions moving forward with dissolution tonight when we meet to discuss kids/budget.

So in the past 2 weeks, I've heard that she misses me, still loves me and will always love me, hopes that we find our way back to each other eventually, has asked me over for dinner at her place...yet stopped going to MC and talks of proceeding with dissolution. I've got to accept that she needs this time to work on herself- if you love something, you've got to set it free...



Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
T
Tarheel Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
Didn't end up meeting last night. I sent her a text yesterday afternoon, but didn't hear back until this morning- 'Wasn't in a good place to talk last night..try tonight?'

Mind reading that meeting with an attorney made chit real for her...



Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
Tarheel, don't get sucked into her vortex. She may have been saying nice things to you and buttering you up with the dinner offer as a way of getting what she wants out of the dissolution. Don't believe anything they say. Remember that. Stay strong in yourself.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
Tar

It does appear that she needs time and space to think and process everything. As much as it would hurt, she may need to go through a D and find herself again before she could come back to you. Or perhaps just staying separated from each other and leading separate lives without formally dissolving the M? I agree that it hurts to hear "I love you" and then "I want a divorce" at the same time.

It sounds likes she is not ready for MC. You cannot force that. But it would be good to slow down the process if you can. Then again, if she wants to D, you cannot stop that.

Finally, perhaps don't be available tonight, but later this week or this weekend. Gives you time to delay the process AND shows that you are moving forward/busy/GALing.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard