Thanks Mach and AJ ... I have read your posts several times over the past couple days ... along with giving your words a great deal of thought and the long term goal. I realized .. the long term goal is not so much winning her back, its me getting to a place where I am good regardless if she is Mrs. Gali .. or Ex Cali ... and thats on me.
And THAT, is the true essence of DBing....
You heal and work on yourself, so that one day, IF she turns around to look in your direction, YOU are ready for it...
You heal and work on yourself, so that one day, IF she turns around to look in your direction, YOU are ready for it...
Easier said than done !! lol Knowing what you have to do and doing it are not always the same .. but I am making progress.
Took the delivery today just to get out of the office. Not a great move in a way .. but in another way it was good. No radio, nothing .. just 3 hours alone with my thoughts. W TM last night and this morning just about S, nothing important ... just "He loves to read, loves his new book , woke up this morning at 4:30 to read and I made him go back to bed" I did not reply ... I read the TM, and the iPhone rats you out ... I could change that .. but decided not to, she can see I read the text but there was nothing really I felt like replying to. I am going dark for a bit .. for me.. not a reaction from her.
I had a talk with God .. reminding myself I needed this time to become better, thanking Him for teaching me the lessons I have learned up to this point, and I know I am required to learn more before I am released from this limbo. I did joke with him Sunday as I left her saying "Lord ... ya know .. you did not have to make her so darn pretty ya know .. this might be a bit easier" laughing as I said it.
Anyways ... I am going to try "something different" and just let my marriage go for this week, detach lovingly, be PMA, but not respond to any texts unless its important. This is for me, I realized over the weekend as much as I think I am detached and GAL/PMA ... I still would do a back flip is she asked me to. I feel she is detaching too, unsure if there is an OM ... or if its her therapy ... she told me Sat that she TM her Dr late at night about the herbs she is on (She went holistic about 2 years ago .... helped physically .. but I have no doubt it put her into MLC-ville) ... typically she would have texted me too ... and I would have been there comforting her either TM/Phone/in person.
Now you sound like you're getting it, Cali. I like that you're talking about you and relating about things around you. Why? Because it helps to know you're working on YOU
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks AJM .... I feel like that drunk guy at the bar and you all are forcing me into your car .... I know its for my own good and its the safest way home .. but man I just want one more drink...lol
So Update: Not Much .. Journaling really
So yesterday I picked up S, he goes to a Catholic School, wife had a big role in this ... education focused and all .. .honestly I am all for it, deep down I wish my parents pushed like hers did .... she is a College grad ... I went the Military route, did night courses ... then life happened and I never finished ... HUGE issue with her ... and I have been in contact with a school online .. and am submitting my Application this week .... again ... not for her, I realized renting a one room out of a house does not provide my son with what he deserves .. I will become better for him. So ... anyways ... they have this little prayer chapel ... I have been going in with S and praying daily, one of my DB 180's I decided to become the spiritual leader of our family ... (regardless if she is part of the family or not). So After S and I go to the store, I was going to suprise him with Pigs in a Blanket .... well ... last week he discovered chili dogs .. so he asked for those instead .. mid sentence he stopped .. and said all excited "Dad ... how about Chili Pigs in a blanket?" ... sure .. why not ... and ya know what .. They were awesome ... great night and dinner. W TM asks for S to call soon ... So I have S call, he always goes on speaker (Her trick not mine) ... so as they talked I did a 180 ... instead of listening (secretly hoping she would talk to me) I jumped in the shower. Felt good to remove myself ... I came back and they had just finished (On the phone WAY longer than normal).
So ... woke up that morning, dropped off S ... W invites me in .. I decline and she persists .. so I come in (I should have stuck to my guns .. something to work on here big time) She says I look nice, I return the compliment, asks about my head ... I told her I was good, asked how she felt, if she slept ... she said she did but looks like I did'nt ... I did not lie and told her I had a hard time sleeping but was good. She then asks about when my neurologist appt is .. .I told her I have post phoned it .. recieved some bills I need to clarify first .. then she starts in, asking if I wanted her to call ... I told her I would handle it, then she asks what they charged, who , what for, I firmly stated I just received them and would handle it ... she spews "Fine ... I tried" ... I told S to have a nice day at school and left.
One of her LL is AOS, however was hard for me looking back, she controlled all the money, and anything I tried to do for her seemed not enough ... she was really critical just like her mother has become famous for (Something she is working on with her IC)
So ... at work and locking down for what looks to be a busy day, hopefully keeps my mind occupied.
Something has happened ... not sure when or what .. but its like she slipped back into the tunnel. Thinking back on some comments .. she was checking out what I have been doing .. painting me into the person I was before BD. OM, Tunnel, MLC .... who knows.
Yesterday I picked up S as usual from school. After I decided to kill some time, I stopped off to get my haircut, she TM that she was on her way I TM that I was about to get my haircut and S would have my phone ( I do this to make sure she doesn't spew and he sees it) .... so she is TM S all happy and playful ... reminded me of when we were good and she would do that with me. Anyways after ... she picks up S. She was cordial .. but very guarded, almost cold. Like it was a business exchange. However I could see it in her face that there was alot of stress there. I swear she DB's on accident and she is better than me at it. I went back in and finished making dinner ( for one .. so depressing) ... put it in the fridge and decided to get out of the house. Jumped on the bike and went to this little bar down the street ... figured I would have a beer or two and play pool ... second time I have tried to do this .. second time they have leagues taking up both tables .... so I went next door .. grabbed a burrito and went home. S called on time, again he did not sound that happy .. but she was all giggles and playing with him, its like she is making a point to be this happy go lucky person around him. We hung up and alone with my thoughts I sat. I have given my M and family to God, praying everyday he delivers me, my faith at times is shaken .. then I do see a sign here and there that gives me some hope. Its the nights I am alone that are the hardest, I know .. GAL .. I have been ... its just hard to every single day. Its been almost a year since S. So today ... more dark, she has not TM nearly as much in the past couple weeks. I have not initiated any TM in months. time to just sit in the foxhole and wait it out I suppose.
I used to think of it as her "processing" information. Be it new or old information (doesn't really matter). She is thinkin, make no mistake about that....
As far as whether she is happy, or sad ??
I would bet that even she doesn't know the answer to that one.
The masks that they wear sometimes are quite confusing. So try not to read her "at the moment" persona...
I went back in and finished making dinner ( for one .. so depressing)
Could you re-frame this in your mind to : "Sweet! I get to make whatever I want...how about pepperoni bacon pizza, with a whole tin of anchovies!!!"
Everything in the universe is neutral, everything we experience is neutral...It's how we choose to perceive it that determines if its positive or negative.
You have the power, within your thinking, to turn anything into a positive... it's a conscious decision and effort on your part.
Quote:
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -- Marcus Aurelius
Guard your thoughts well.
Quote:
but she was all giggles and playing with him, its like she is making a point to be this happy go lucky person around him.
Some mind reading here, dude.... It doesn't serve you, and I was very, very good at mind reading, but I'm better now...
FWIW, they do sometimes/a lot of times exaggerate their "happiness" to validate to themselves to themselves, friends, and the kids. my kids have noticed that with my stbx... and they see through it (they are teens).
So....that means? about her... ?
That means....? About you...?
Quote:
sit in the foxhole and wait it out I suppose.
Yoda said "There is do, or do not, there is no "suppose"..."
What do you want your life to look like? Without W in the picture? What would you do in your life, with your life, if say, W had died? What would you being doing after grieving?
Hm?
Write down some things, say 5. Please post it back here. Then figure out what YOU need to do to accomplish them, then make a plan, check boxes and all.
GAL is beyond getting out of the house, it includes making a life plan and starting to work it...and the activities to accomplish your goals...researching, reading, working out, whatever...
Have you read NMMNG yet? The library usually has a copy.
Please post here 5 things you want your life to look like, regardless if you R or not.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I used to think of it as her "processing" information. Be it new or old information (doesn't really matter). She is thinkin, make no mistake about that....
As far as whether she is happy, or sad ??
I would bet that even she doesn't know the answer to that one.
The masks that they wear sometimes are quite confusing. So try not to read her "at the moment" persona...
Could you re-frame this in your mind to : "Sweet! I get to make whatever I want...how about pepperoni bacon pizza, with a whole tin of anchovies!!!"
Everything in the universe is neutral, everything we experience is neutral...It's how we choose to perceive it that determines if its positive or negative.
You have the power, within your thinking, to turn anything into a positive... it's a conscious decision and effort on your part.
Typically ... I am generally a positive person, always have been, there are times when yeah, it just hits me to a point I get frustrated. I have always enjoyed cooking, I would get home and start dinner... relaxed me, and I enjoyed cooking for her up until she changed her diet.... then it was tough cooking 3 separate meals ... man .. I would actually welcome doing this now. So .. yes I see your point and need to PMA when no one is looking too ... thank you.
Quote:
Some mind reading here, dude.... It doesn't serve you, and I was very, very good at mind reading, but I'm better now...
FWIW, they do sometimes/a lot of times exaggerate their "happiness" to validate to themselves to themselves, friends, and the kids. my kids have noticed that with my stbx... and they see through it (they are teens).
Yeah ... I think thats what was getting me .. seemed forced and fake .. but you are right .. mind reading does not help me one bit ... I struggle with analyzing every little thing ... trying to see an angle .. and with MLC doing that will be sure to drive a person insane.
Quote:
What do you want your life to look like? Without W in the picture? What would you do in your life, with your life, if say, W had died? What would you being doing after grieving?
Hm?
Write down some things, say 5. Please post it back here. Then figure out what YOU need to do to accomplish them, then make a plan, check boxes and all.
GAL is beyond getting out of the house, it includes making a life plan and starting to work it...and the activities to accomplish your goals...researching, reading, working out, whatever...
Have you read NMMNG yet? The library usually has a copy.
Please post here 5 things you want your life to look like, regardless if you R or not.
I have read NMMNG ... one of the first reads for me .. I am revisiting it currently now that I am this deep into it .. I need to apply many things from that book.
I am going to lunch ... and have been thinking about the highlighted portion of your post .. dude ... heavy .. and I really want to give it serious thought as I have since yesterday before replying ... but THANK YOU ... its this type of thing that makes me realize how much this forum is helping me .. making me look deep inside and actually change, change my thinking process, become a better person ... will reply soon.
So the comment you made about how I would want my life to look, if my W had died .... this floored me, and at the same time a light bulb went off. i began .. .in my head processing this. Amd it struck me .. she did die, that girl I knew .. gone ... so I started acting as if she has passed, I was grieving this past year, losing her, our M, the family .. all of if .. it just made it easier to accept with this perspective. She came to the ball field last night to get S, and I was PMA, doing my GAL ... and was really nice to her like it was a blessing to be able to see my deceased wife. Detached, but very nice with her. And it seems to be working .. atleast for my mental well being.
So to answer the question, I am happy with so many of the things I have done this past year. Consistently going to church, which helped me not be as angry and frustrated. The relationship I have with S is so strong now, there are things I want to change ... and goals I have set recently .. M or no M I will do these things.
So ... My 5 goals ( I had 2 big ones and had to think of the other 3 .. but THANK YOU for the homework .. this will help me focus on ME.
1: Attend and complete the RCIA program at the church (I go to a catholic church, S is in a Catholic school, I promised he would be raised that way and find it almost hypocritical that I am not a Catholic in a way.
2: I have contacted an online university and will be compleing my degree, I need about 1-2 years and I will have my degree, its expensive .. but something I want to accomplish
3: I would like to actually do some Harley rides, I bought it for this purpose but have yet to actually do any, want to do at least 4 in the next year.
4: I need to be more social, actually do things with friends .. we talked last night .. I have a few buddies who I play softball and football with .. we are done in both sports till late Jan .. we talked about having a poker night on Tuesdays .. I used to do this and would love to get back into something like this again.
5: Spending better quality time with S, doing outdoor activites with him .... camping .. fishing .. those types of things. We have fun but I want to be more active outside vs movies and video games with him. We are actually going out tonight to watch the Charger game at his favorite BBQ place, both excited to just be out and about vs at home
6: (Because I want this too) I need to get back into running ... was doing 3 miles 3 times a week, had finally got my time under 30 minutes and my leg was acting up .. its better now .. and I had lost some weight .. still want to drop 5-10
