Great day with my kids! Cinnamon rolls, a long sesh at an indoor play gym, then to a friends house to play some ps3. The older boys love video games but I am dragging my feet on getting them a system (I kindof loathe video games save for very small doses) so this was a big treat for them. Youngest just explores the house and was pleasant as punch. Nothing like a nice long nonstop day.
W texted a bit ago that she missed the boys and to hug them. Said she was hitting the local bar scene (it's a tiny town) with the other women from her course. This actually sounds like a lot of fun, if I can somehow envision her doing it without OM there (he's probably there). I have to use my imagination for good not evil I guess. I kept my responses short, said the boys had a Great day, and told her to shoot for karaoke. That's that.
I feel like I have so many different intangible ropes to drop with W.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Also W being out of town means I can break my no booze in the house rule for one night only. First time in 3 months. Picked up a single can of fosters at the corner store on the way home. What says bachelor style more than that?
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
You sound much better tonight than last night. You did a good job enjoying the day with your kids. Keep up the PMA. Fosters, hmmmm. It's been so long for me.
Thanks wet! Yup, a great day. I maintained PMA with my kids all day too. Herding three of them can test the patience, but there were no real incidents at all. All my actions felt deliberate and patient. I felt at ease all day. Tomorrow I'll get up with them and make pancakes, then MIL comes over so I can go to work. She'll find a tidy house! After work I'll do some hardcore GALing, got to make a flyer for a Halloween party I'm helping throw at a bar down the street.
When it's good, it's good. I wouldn't leave me! Maybe that's my mantra.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Just to journal: hung w kids and tidied house yesterday then went to work once MIL came over. Was productive and focused at work. Came home, W still not back. She got home a little later, having stopped at target to get some things (food for kids, some baby clothes, wine). I checked the receipt and she spent close to $100. Not trying to obsess, but also just trying to get an idea of where her money is going. Ironically, she had bought the same exact set of sleepsuits for the baby that I bought on Saturday. She had mentioned wanting to get them a week back but not having the cash, so I bought them. Pretty funny that we each got the same thing. I left pretty quickly after she got home. Shared no conversation with her besides the weekend being good and the kids having fun. Did not ask her how her weekend went and she didn't mention anything.
Went out with a friend to an acoustic show at a friends house. Had a lovely time, having funny chats with people. Feeling so much more relaxed, social and just like me lately. I was standing in the kitchen and saw the sink full of dishes, so I just started doing them, and had a conversation with just about everyone there, as nobody understood why this random person was doing dishes.
W was very rundown on her way out to work this morning. Says she feels like she's getting sick. I said "sorry you're feeling bad". Dunno what else to say/do for her right now. I feel so very detached from her right now, like we are just drifting apart. But for the moment that feels right.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Struggling with my PMA around W lately. It's no longer sadness, just resentment. I'm really worried that if we go on like this, I will simply lose my love for her. Or I find myself questioning if this is really a person I want to live with. She just seems to have such little regard for our family and me. I'm having a lot of thoughts of just feeling scammed and manipulated.
Had the day off yesterday and spent the morning with S1.5. He is a total dream. We walked around the neighborhood and be explored leaves and fire hydrants and anything in his path. He napped while I cleaned house, then I picked up older boys. We did some yard work and ran around. The boys mentioned that mommy told them she would take them to get a toy when she got home from work. I raised an eyebrow at that. Our kids have plenty of toys, Legos everywhere, and there's no real occasion to get them something right now. Halloween is in two weeks and Xmas is coming. Sure enough, when she came home she took them out. I took youngest to the park. When she got home, she'd spent $50 on Lego sets for the boys. Why? Because she felt guilty about being gone all weekend? I don't approve of this, but have no idea what to say. I'm spending my whole check this week on bills, and she was asking me for money just last week.
While I was putting boys to bed, W left to go to a friends house who is breaking up with her bf for the millionth time. Her only other close friend here aside from BFF, who also has a disastrous love life. No idea when she came home.
This morning was my morning to walk S8 and friends to school, and as always, W did not leave with other boys while I was gone, so S6 had to go to school late. She even texted me as I was walking back home "are you coming back soon?" As if I am the one holding everything up.
Vent vent vent. At this point, it feels like any conversation about money and responsibilities will get very negative. And I sense my resentment about it all creeping into my barebones interactions with her. I fear this mutual loathing developing , even though she has nothing to loathe about me right now. I'm happy, fit, busy, and on too of just about everything. I feel like she is just fading away.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Unexpected R talk. We got an email from our landlord saying they are looking to sell our house next year. We talked about that, then awkward silence. Asked as how she was feeling, she said better. She asked me how I was doing. I said I felt energized by the work I've been doing on myself. Feeling better than ever. Loving working out, educating myself on better communication, being more responsible and focused on things that matter. I paused, then told her that I knew my next relationship was going to be better, whether with her or with someone else. She asked to give me a hug and came and sat on my lap. We embraced for a long time. I told her I missed her, missed her smell. She said "I'm sorry you married such a wild heart". I winced. She said she just really needs this emotional connection that she doesn't think she ever had with me. (I am DYING) That she just needs to follow her own path. I said I understood that. She sat in my lap for another five minutes. Said she believed in me, that I was going to do good. She said "ten years is a lot of time", I said "it's only a little time". She laughed. She said "can I just say how amazing you've been with the boys, being there for them, going on field trips, making time for them. It's really really amazing." Tearing up the whole time. Before she got up, I said "can I just promise you, my changes are forever changes. I am happy with the new person I am. If you come back, it won't be our old R. It will be a new R." She said "well you have to let me go then." I said, "I have, even though it's been very painful".
That was it. I didn't lose it, didn't plead, I was calm and I was honest. And I could tell she saw I was sincere. I can only hope I put some things in her mind.
I am shaking. Someone help me see some positive here.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I know not to believe anything they say. The emotional connection line cut me to the bone. They've been together for three months.
And meanwhile, she has basically taken a vacation from our family to pursue this connection. This just has me feeling so many different conflicting emotions. She said "we're too similar" again. I don't even know what that means.
I know I need to recommit to BD. Not that I've given up. She acts like she's got or is getting what she wanted, but she has nowhere near it. And from her saying I have to let her go to get her back, I feel like she still thinks she can just do this for however long she feels like. The fact is she doesn't have her "own path" yet.
Yet i resisted saying anything to this effect during the convo. I really hope that something stuck.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
