What is going on in their heads?

[Zimmy]

All: Need some real emergency insight here.

Ex just emailed me with: "Hi. Thought we should try to talk tomorrow. Maybe by phone or email. I know there is a lot going on and I think it would be helpful."

Which means he wants to talk about the logistics of splitting up. (We jointly own the house, though he is only person on the mortgage. The house would be a huge burden financially for just one person, so I suspect he will want to force a sale. He also is the person named on my car's lease.) Breaks my heart. I don't want this. I shouldn't want such a damaged person, but I miss the good side of him and all our wonderful memories.

So my options are as follows:

1. Ignore him. Have my accountant outreach to him directly and negotiate the details since I am way too emotionally fragile and I have no desire or strength to watch us dismantle our life. Move out into my own apartment this week and move on - leave him with my dream house to sell and pay the full mortgage by himself. Go NC and leave it to fate. Hope that the reality of taking over all the bills by himself opens his eyes to the reality of the financial situation and the no contact helps him to miss me someday once the fantasy of the affair wanes. (Dreaming, I know...)

2. Be polite, kind, compassionate, mature. Tell him that I want to find a path forward that is fair and respects our love and history and working relationship. Try to leave him with a good impression of me / leave door open for friendship and relationship later. Still get my own place and protect my financial position but do it in a totally classy way.

3. Go nuclear. Tell him that the only way he gets me out of the house is if he drags me out. Make the process as difficult as possible just for fun. KIDDING - I wouldn't do #3, but it's fun to think about...

What do you all think? Door #1 or #2. He doesn't really deserve kindness and compassion - he certainly wasn't kind to me when he had the affair and abandoned me - but I also hope that he regrets his behavior one day and I want to be the better person. I keep repeating the following mantra to myself: DO THE RIGHT THING. So what is the right thing here?

[Zimmy]

His approved list might look something like:

* Really want to explore possibilities with the OW, who is wonderful and perfect and such a good person and makes feel amazing and jealous and insane - ahhhh, I'm so in love! (NOTE from Zimmy - gagged when I wrote this...). We have a deep connection that only we can understand. What we have can't be wrong - I am sorry that Zimmy got hurt, but that wasn't intentional, it just happened and the OW feels awful.

* There is something about the OW's simple life that is appealing. She has a normal 9-5 job and his a homebody, cooks, etc. (in contrast to Zimmy who is a successful and ambitious investment banker with many stressful responsibilities and works long hours).

* Don't feel in love with Zimmy anymore - maybe that means that I never really loved her and our relationship was never right, though I admit that we had a great 7 years together and I miss her and I will always love her. Things just ran their course.

* Something must have been wrong with my relationship with Zimmy to allow me to fall into an affair. Don't think we prioritized each other enough recently and should have gotten married sooner (he said that he thinks this was the initial crack that led to the affair). Fact that we broke up several times before is a sign that we weren't working.

* Have a right to be happy; shouldn't force myself to stay in a relationship if there is a better option. People break up all the time.

* Initially I was just naive and fell into the affair and things got far along before I really realized how far gone I was. Would never have imagined before this that I would jeopardize my life with Zimmy.

* I've caused too much damage and things have gone too far to turn back now. I've committed to the OW, and if I came home now I would be miserable. Need to play this out. Time will tell if I made the right decision (but I think I have).

Any of this sound familiar???? I have taken this pretty much verbatim from clues and bits and pieces of feedback he has given me.

As to your example of the break-up, they detach once they've made the decision because they don't want to be talked back into things. It's a total defense mechanism, and one which I am not sure how combat.

I have read DR. It's these really final conversations that always derail me, because I feel like it's really over, so I go into freak-out mode and lose my cool. I just sent a separate email to the group asking how best to handle this tomorrow. Welcome guidance. It's really hard to know what the right answer is. I guess it depends on how fed up you really are....

[Sotto]

Hi Zimmy - really sorry to hear of your situation, and good luck with your talk.

In DB terms, option 2 sounds like a better bet to me. You may want to spend some time listening and validating - rather than feel you have to make a response or decision. Have anoter look at the 37 rules before you speak to him and try to apply them.

Also, whilst you say he doesn't really deserve your compassion - I would see option 2 'the classy way' more as a gift to yourself. In that, during a difficult situation you remained centred, blanaced and strong.

If you aren't ready to make a decision, you can always let him know that you are thinking about things and that you have some decisions to make, without actually making them...

Hope this helps, and best of luck

[Mozza]

Nice work on the H's list. It's good to know how they rationalize their decision. As much as it doesn't make sense from our perspective, it has to make some sense from theirs. Until we understand that, we'll be in denial and weaker to address it.

As for the call, I admit I don't know enough to provide advice. Just remember that there's nothing you can say on this call to make him come back immediately. He will have to go all the way into his new R before coming back to you. This will take time and give you time. Sometimes, to find strength, I imagine that my W is only gone for 6-9 months and that I have to make the best of the time. I met a friend who was separated for only two months and he was regretful he didn't do more in the meantime.

Other times, I realize that my W is gone, maybe for good, and I just break down...

[zew]

If you want him back, or if you at least want to keep that option open for now while you decide, then think in terms of what moves the ball in the right direction.

Option 1 is a little cold. It may come to that in the end, but I think you should hear him out.

Option 2 is better. Always take the high road. Don't mention the "respects our love and history" part, though. Right now your love and history have no value to him at all, sadly. Really all you have to do with option 2 is listen to his proposal. Validate where possible, and give absolutely no definite response on any issue. Whatever he proposes, you'll "have to think about that."

He doesn't really deserve kindness and compassion.

You have to bury this. He may not deserve it, but you're the adult here, so you give it anyway. I'm glad to see that you know you have to do this.

Finally, he said by phone or email. It can be really difficult to hold back emotion on the phone. email is definitely safest -- he can say whatever he wants and your reaction will be completely private. You will miss the opportunity to validate that you would have with the phone. Guess it depends on how much you think that is worth right now, and if you're sure you can hold it together on the phone.

good luck.

-zew

[Zimmy]

Zew: thanks for the thoughtful response. I agree with everything you said.

I decided to just forward his email to my accountant and have him outreach to the Ex and negotiate stuff. I really don't have the stomach for it right now. I am so angry with my ex for causing this situation where he is forcing me to dismantle my life. I'm not sure I can keep myself from unemotional outbursts.

[Mozza]

I decided to just forward his email to my accountant and have him outreach to the Ex and negotiate stuff. I really don't have the stomach for it right now. I am so angry with my ex for causing this situation where he is forcing me to dismantle my life. I'm not sure I can keep myself from unemotional outbursts.

This sounds very mature. There's what we should do, but sometimes there's what we can do.

[Zimmy]

Hey guys. Rough night. Got another email from him today asking to talk so that we can sort out the separation so "we can move forward". I can't believe he is really pulling this trigger on our 7-year relationship. I am utterly devastated. How can he choose this awful OW over me - his loving, loyal and supportive partner? This is my worst nightmare.

You know, every morning I wake up and for just a moment I have this blissful few seconds of forgetting what my life is like now. And then it all comes back to me, and I think to myself, "did I dream it". And then the hurt comes back in full force.

The person he is today is like a stranger and so incredibly detached from me. I can't reconcile this monster with the man who just a few months ago was so loving and cuddly and excited about our life. Is this who he really is or is this who he has to be in a break-up where he is involved with someone else. I miss the old version every day, every moment. I don't know how he can't miss me or feel any remorse or question his decision to destroy our life for this woman / other life. People talk about the affair fog, and how when you are in the midst of the infatuation, the person in the fog does crazy, irrational hurtful things. Is that what is happening here? Is there any possibility that this wears off over time and one day he will look back with clearer eyes and realize what he lost. Would love to hear others' perspectives on this.

There are a lot of folks on here that are dealing with spouses in MLC. I don't know if that is a factor here as well. My ex is 42 almost 43, spent that last 15 years of his life working his way up on Wall Street, we just bought a house with a lot of financial responsibility, said things like "this year is going by so fast", seemed unsure about settling down / committing in the past, is always worried about getting older, etc., and then proceeds to fall into an affair and completely dismantle his life, saying that our relationship was great, but he just wants something different now. Or maybe he is just a pure commitment-phobe. Arghhh - why can't people just be normal and kind and loyal and be grateful for what they have? Is that too much to ask???

And how do I recover from this? My self esteem, confidence and excitement about my future are completely shot. My fiance was the most important thing in my life - I loved him profoundly. I would have given my life for him. And he abandoned me horribly.

My only solace is that during the month of September, he cheated on the OW with me several times as I tried desperately to rekindle our relationship. Guess she can't be his soul mate if he is already lying to and cheating on her... Wish I could forward her all the emails he send to me that proves this - maybe one day, just shortly before their wedding... How does it feel, you soulless, sneaky homewrecker...???? Sorry, I know that is mean...

Venting.

[twinmom]

I might not be the right person to chime in here but it doesn't sound "mean" it sounds like you're hurting. I understand that pain, and for a good laugh you should search for my old thread titled "is OW batshit crazy?" You need a good laugh, and the story of how my (soon to be ex) husband and the woman he called his soul mate broke up is just what you need.

For what it's worth my H was DEEP in the fog for a long time. And it was my decision to finally end things after I didn't think he put forth genuine effort into piecing.......

[Jefe]

He's been abducted by aliens, that all I can say.

I can also identify with every single emotion you are having right now. Hang in there, it gets better. I promise.

"is OW batshit crazy?" Oh, Twinmom, I am so looking that one up. Too funny.