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Card29 #2498966 10/21/14 03:54 AM
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Ok. Your posts sounded really angry. Me misreading.

Before I head off to bed, let me give you some food for thought.

On one of my darkest days, my very good, wise, kind friend asked me: what is the worst that can happen?

And when I thought about it, the worst that could happen had already occurred. The stuff that came after was either fallout or processing.

I had already learned of the affair.
He had said I love you to the OW.
I knew he wanted to leave though he wasn't gone.
MC wasn't working.
He had said he no longer loved me.

The worst that could happen after that was him actually leaving, divorce, and having to move my kids from the house. All of those were just manifestations of the worst thing that could happen, him forgetting he loved me and wanted to be married to me. That was when the end of the marriage really happened.

Now, I'm not going to say it's all been a picnic since that day, but the cards were on the table and I knew what I was dealing with. And in fact in a lot of small ways, our communications have gotten easier and we're working together better than we were. So although they aren't better in the ways I had wanted, things are in fact better... And they may move the way I want if they keep shifting in the same direction.

So ask yourself: what's the worst that can happen? And really think about it. Not just if she dates someone else, but the whole thing, all of it, in real terms. If the worst happens, can you handle it? (psst... the answer is yes) it may not be fun or desirable, it may be the opposite of what you want, but I know you're a Christian. Trust in God's plan. Give Him room to make things better according to His plan.

And about the guilt... Unless you can find a way to make it constructive, ditch it. Forgive yourself. You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time.

Now sleep well. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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I hear you, but I have serious doubts in this moment that I can handle this. I'm thinking about what you told Ss, what would I do if I knew this would be over in 2 hrs, 2 months and 10 days. I don't know right now, but I feel like it's going to be worse than the last 4 months, which have been by far the worst of my life. One of the only comforts I took in everything was that she was not having an A. Now she is cold heartedly choosing to date around, which somehow feels worse than if she had just been swept up.

I hear you about gods plan, too. Sermon at church this week was "Don't Quit Before the Miracle". There is so much I've learned through this process that I wouldn't had without BD. I felt like I was ready to be a brand new H in an brand new M. I had been hoping she was going to come out of her fog soon and rethink her decision. But she is going the opposite direction. She thinks I'm the cause of all of her problems. Please. She was depressed when I met her. Her family was torn apart when she was 12. She never healed from that. Yep, I was not a great or even good H. But she has convinced herself that it's all me, and because of that we're each losing each other's best friend and our D2 is getting the short end of the stick. This is just a nightmare.

Just venting a little here. Not sure where else to turn at the moment. I'm staying with SIL and MIL this weekend while I visit my cousin. I'm definitely not going to reveal this convo to them but it's going to be hard. They are rooting for our M and would be pissed to know what she's planning.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2499012 10/21/14 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted By: Zues126
I have no advice on how to set a boundary. Personally I just let go and am trying to be the best man I can be for myself. I refer to her as my STBX for a reason, I don't see her as my W anymore. I am still going stand by my M, but only because it requires nothing different than moving on. Either way I'm not going to date right away. Either way I'm working on myself. Oy thing I have to do is not burn a bridge to avoid 'limbo' and not torture myself by remaining emotionally attached. She is gone and making her own choices. Maybe she'll change someday, but maybe not. She already hurt me enough on her own, I don't need to hurt myself further.


Great post, Zues.

What kills me about the whole dating thing right is what does the WAS really have to bring to the table anyway? I couldn't possibly date. So many thing are left emotionally unfinished and the wounds are so fresh the person you date doesn't stand a chance. Self medication is ALL it would end up being for either person, the WAS or the LBS.

I'm thinking, You cant even deal with this relationship is a correct and rational manner but you want to start a new one? In my particular situation it's a an inappropriate tie (and one she hasn't stopped yet, either) to an ex and baby's daddy that started this whole mess and now were going to add another person to this mix and it's going to magically get better?


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
zed #2499025 10/21/14 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted By: zed


This seems so much like my sitch. Why can't they just see that we do love them.


Because they are depressed, that's why. You can't expect depressed people to see the world the same way you do.

I was never diagnosed with PPD, but there was something not right with me after my 2nd child was born. I wasn't right physically, the baby was really high-maintenance, I was exhausted, I struggled for months. I wish I had realized I could get help. If H loved me then, I certainly couldn't see it. The story goes a little deeper, but in the interest of not H-bashing, I'll refrain. The moral of the story is, sometimes as a H you have to go the extra mile to show your love, you can't expect a woman to just see it if you aren't doing anything different.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Jefe #2499026 10/21/14 12:58 PM
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For an OM, if they're shallow, they get what they want (sex) and who cares about her problems. For her, I can't tell you one positive thing she will get other than temporary companionship and support from the guy while he tries to get into her pants.

If the OM is really looking for a good R, it would be very unfair to him. She is a mess with a kid and, oh btw married.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2499028 10/21/14 01:01 PM
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rppfl, I know I was not going the extra mile of even the first mile to show my love. I was just supremely ignorant.

And come to think of the PPD, I don't think she had it from D2, but we had an early term miscarriage in January of this year. I've lost contact with her emotions since then but I know it really affected her.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2499030 10/21/14 01:11 PM
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I am a wreck today. Took the day off work. Not exactly sure what I'm going to do today, but I wasn't going to get s thing done at work. I'm going to try to nap throughout the day because I didn't sleep much last night. Productive goal might be to start working on the pumpkin for the pumpkin decorating contest at work.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2499039 10/21/14 01:35 PM
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Just had a text exchange with her. She said "you can't own my depression". Not sure if she's thinking differently than she was last night or just miscommunicated to me on the phone (if basically sounded like 100% blame on me and our M for her problems).

I again owned my failures, expressed regret for not realizing I was starving her (that part is not fog, I think...that what led her to the S and fog), and told her I had been confused from the phone call regarding blame of her depression, that I thought she had had it before we even met. But I again said I'm sure I did not help it.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2499043 10/21/14 01:49 PM
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Don't respond! She's not worth your energy or attention. She's just trying to absolve her own poor choices by saying that to you. My H did the same thing. Just know that you're the better person, and you won't have to live with the guilt of being the one to tear the family apart. You will be okay.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Ahoy #2499049 10/21/14 01:53 PM
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Hang in there Card,

Dealing with a spouse who has a serious illness (which this sounds like) is bound to be pretty tough. Take comfort in the "Believe none of what they say"- since your W is depressed I believe it is doubly true for you right now.

Just out of curiousity - does she function okay with your D?


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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