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Originally Posted By: rppfl
Originally Posted By: woundedfool
Thanks! you too, enjoy the Crue!
You just can't feel bad listening to Dr. Feelgood. smile

Well said!


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
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D Final Dec '13
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We actually are seeing jason aldean and Fla Ga line smile


M 31 H 34
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And how did it go?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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Hello? testing: 1, 2, 3... is this thing on?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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Sorry I thought I updated a few days ago not sure what happened with the post.

So we had a great time and it was nice to be adults. Yesterday was our anniversary so on Sunday night we went to a theme park at night for a halloween event which was fun... Drinks, zombies, staying out til 4am... I am still recovering lol

Things are going well on the surface. I made an appt with C this week but I think I am going to go alone because I am still struggling. I have touched on it a TAD with H but not nearly as much as what I am dealing with because I don't know how to DB the issue much less deal with it in a way that is conducive to giving positive results.

So here are my issues...

1. Did he really leave exOW or did she leave him? Did he only come back because she left him? Would they still be together if it was up to him and they hadn't broke up? C says this doesn't matter as long as he is home but it matters to me. Am I second choice? Does he just not want to be alone? I remmeber the weekend before he asked me to dinner and was texting asking if we were making a mistake he was making all of these overly dramatic Facebook posts that he never knew what true love was until her and that his heart was broken and she showed him a real relationship. He said he had his head up his a** and that if it was the first day they broke up and she asked him back he would have probably worked things out but once he had a chance to separate himself from her and her family he was able to see what am I doing

2. How could he do everything? I know I will receive some 2x4s for this but I feel this is the place I can be 1000% honest about what feelings I have regarding everything. I don't get how someone that supposably loves me could put the boys and I through what he did. I mean he was pretty damn terrible for a long time. All the things he posted, his behavior, his lack of being a dad, etc. C said to treat him as if he was on drugs and believes H is truly remorseful. I am more so just struggling with that he brought someone else into our relationship. How he could share his life with someone else while I was at home with our boys. How could he be okay doing all of that and not think twice about it in 6 months. He still stands by that nothing happened until he left but I said you would have never left if you and her didn't start talking Inappropriately back in January every night til 1 he says I don't know we mostly talked about her truck. I said I don't believe that for a minute. You need to be honest with yourself. I finally started getting a okay yes probably and ya I guess we did talk about more stuff about you and I then we should have and she told me that I deserved better and I deserved to be happy.

3. Will he do it again? I know I will never know this I mean I wish I had the magic 8 ball but let's be realistic here lol. He was a man that I NEVER in a million years thought would cheat. I defended him for the first 2 months against allegations from HIS friends and mine because I never believed it was something he would do. I still struggle with if times get tough will he do it again? Will he turn to someone else instead of me and walk out? He swears up and down no but he also was the person that hated cheaters etc.

Anyway .. Sorry for the rant. These are just feelings I struggle with but on the surface we have a great time. I haven't brought these things up with H in quite awhile because he has already addressed the issues and I don't want to be a broken record because this is something I have to deal with. I fear he hasn't changed. He has gotten comfortable. He is not making as much of an effort as he was to make me feel secure. Don't get me wrong there's nothing he's actually doing wrong I guess it's just what he's not doing. I went from being chased to now it's just back to normal.

If anyone made it through this entire post I appreciate it. Piecing is rough. Still happy to be here most days though! wink


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T0, I think you are brave but wise to be careful. Keep posting here...


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This reminds me of the story where a man travelled for hundreds of miles by foot to see the Buddha. When he got there he told Buddha about all of his problems. He asked the Buddha for advise. The Buddha simply shrugged and said: "you've listed for me 86 different problems. I cannot help you with any of them." The man was incredulous and asked what good it was to be enlightened. Buddha told him he could help with the 87th problem. When the guy asked what the 87th problem was the Buddha answered "you have the desire to be free of problems".

T0, all of this is real legit. I mean, I think if I was in your place I'd feel some of those feelings forever. And not only are they pain points that make you wonder if he even comprehends how deeply he wounded you, there is the legitimate concern about what the future holds.

But great job just posting it here. All I can think is that there is no solution. This is your R now. It consists of some joy and some heartache. If your H had t come back and you'd found a new man, your life would again consist of some joy and some heartache. Same if you were single. And guess what- even if your H hadn't left the first time, you STILL wouldn't had wounds caused by him that felt as deep relatively, that made you feel misunderstood or unappreciated at times, etc. And he certainly can't live a life in courting mode now any more than if he had never walked.

So I think this is one of those problems you don't really solve, you just kind of accept. I think you should go alone to IC, that's a good idea. See if IC thinks it would be good to know how this feels to you. Not to bring it up again and again, but because he is your H and should know your heart in a safe setting. But see what IC says.

As for H, beyond chasing you in the beginning, what changes has he made in the R from before BD? I know us LBS's are much different, and I personally feel prepared for things I never could've handled before. If my STBX and I were back together she would see a different person and have confidence that I had new tools, skills, etc. can you say that about your H?

Just curious. Please keep posting. You are both an inspiration that its possible and a reality check that it isn't easy.


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Thanks Claire smile

And Zues - I agree which is why I have tried not to bring it up to H since our last issue of ex boss texting him and him not telling me. Beyond that it hadn't been brought up because I realize this is something I have to deal with.

Trust me, I was convinced H was never turning around... I saw so many other posters with positives, my situation really had no positives. I was am still some days in shock that I'm here. It's been a roller coaster for sure. But as I wrote in my card to H yesterday - there is no other person id rather share it with.

I don't want to come off as I'm ungrateful or not happy. I am. But here I can be honest about anything. Not that I am not honest with H but let's be real he doesn't want to hear the same thing over and over.

As far as changes H has made... I see some but not many. We can have a doscussion better instead of him walking out like before if he didn't like what we were talking about. This is big. We really never had any huge issues except for financial disagreements. That was really the only thing we've disagreed on. Everything was joint our pay went into joint and we both spent whatever we wanted out of our joint account. That's not the case anymore. I have to protect myself. So we are separate. We split bills 50/50. This is working thus far but last week was my last day at my second job so I'm a little nervous because I forget what I make with just my one job lol.

The other change H has made is to be home more. But he is slipping a little and staying late some nights. But this is better than it was as he was working all the time.


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Originally Posted By: T0324
1. Did he really leave exOW or did she leave him? Did he only come back because she left him? Would they still be together if it was up to him and they hadn't broke up? C says this doesn't matter as long as he is home but it matters to me. Am I second choice? Does he just not want to be alone? I remmeber the weekend before he asked me to dinner and was texting asking if we were making a mistake he was making all of these overly dramatic Facebook posts that he never knew what true love was until her and that his heart was broken and she showed him a real relationship. He said he had his head up his a** and that if it was the first day they broke up and she asked him back he would have probably worked things out but once he had a chance to separate himself from her and her family he was able to see what am I doing


I kind of addressed this before, but I will give it another shot:

Previously, I mentioned what the difference. In the spirit of an alcoholic having a moment of clarity, all it takes is one moment to have it, and say to yourself.... what the hell am I doing.

Whatever the trigger, don't look a gift-horse in the mouth. Just accept the gift.

But, if you don't find solace in that, think about it as ANY relationship.... She may have left him.... he may have left her... the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Could you sleep better (move forward) knowing maybe he put a demand on her, and she didn't want to comply? or vice versa? Again, somewhere in the middle?

Quote:
C said to treat him as if he was on drugs and believes H is truly remorseful. I am more so just struggling with that he brought someone else into our relationship.


I will further this.... your in the medical community (so you saw it during clinicals): Would you still hold a candle for needing more reasoning if it was a diagnosed medical issue (bi-polar disorder? schizophrenia? depression?)? How about (and this is wild, off the cuff for example only) but what if the ex-boss actually had a deeper hand in this.... telling him he would lose his job if he didn't sleep with 19girl?


Quote:
3. Will he do it again? I know I will never know this I mean I wish I had the magic 8 ball but let's be realistic here lol. He was a man that I NEVER in a million years thought would cheat. I defended him for the first 2 months against allegations from HIS friends and mine because I never believed it was something he would do. I still struggle with if times get tough will he do it again? Will he turn to someone else instead of me and walk out? He swears up and down no but he also was the person that hated cheaters etc.


By NO means am I advocating you just immerse yourself in his words, and to fully have trust in him again.

But, you have taken very prudent steps to protect yourself from the things without emotion (finances, the cars, etc.). Right now you are still working on healing your heart and mind, and that my dear will take a long time. Keep walking through this and put in the work on your side. Every kindness he does for you will help heal that scar, just keep your heart open to letting him help you heal.

Quote:
Anyway .. Sorry for the rant. These are just feelings I struggle with but on the surface we have a great time. I haven't brought these things up with H in quite awhile because he has already addressed the issues and I don't want to be a broken record because this is something I have to deal with. I fear he hasn't changed. He has gotten comfortable. He is not making as much of an effort as he was to make me feel secure. Don't get me wrong there's nothing he's actually doing wrong I guess it's just what he's not doing. I went from being chased to now it's just back to normal.
Do you feel he is still putting in work? and following through with his commitments?

Quote:
If anyone made it through this entire post I appreciate it. Piecing is rough. Still happy to be here most days though! wink


Made it through! But remember, where you are at.... there is a thousand members here who would literally cut off their right arm to be in your position right now. Count your blessings and keep up the good work.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
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T384 Offline OP
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Yes I am grateful to be where I am and I know I probably wouldn't have gotten here and kept my sanity if it wasn't for this board. I have a feeling I would have done a LOT of regrettable things potentially during my moments of anger.

And wounded -

I get what you're saying. I know it's been discussed. It still is difficult though. It's away to say you can forgive and be happy your spouse is back but when put back in that position old feelings do arise. I'm just trying to deal with them as best as I can. Talking here definitely helps. I even feel better just reading your responses.

So I do think H is making an effort. Not as much as august-September but still making an effort. A couple weeks ago he wasn't making much of an effort and was semi distant during the time I found out about the text and we had an argument. I ended up having to work several days in a row so I found when I backed off (I was busy at work, no texting, was short with my responses) he pursued further. We do have a lot of work to do and he knows that as well. I guess a big thing is that he still wants to go to C when pre DB he wouldn't be caught dead in a C office.

Thank you all


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