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Ganbatte (gan-bat-te) means something like "do your best" in Japanese. My sister - who was living in Tokyo at the time of BD - explained to me that ganbatte is used when Westerners would typically say "good luck"…like at the beginning of a test. Seemed fitting for my display name (dang that 7 character limit!)

Old thread: here

I am still here doing my best to turn things around. Not much to report on R front. H hasn't been in touch since he picked up his things 3 weeks ago. I've since moved into my own place and…feel pretty good actually. It's taken a bit to get internet set up so I haven't been posting much lately.

For now, a toast - to new beginnings and internet! Thanks so much to everyone for sharing your stories and commenting on mine. I honestly don't know where I would be without the virtual you.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
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Welcome back! I'm glad to see more people without kids here, because we have a different situation that those that have children and are REQUIRED to keep in touch with their spouses. It's a game changer when there's no real reason to be in contact.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
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Posts: 681
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Hi ganb8te! Welcome back and cheers to Internet! Glad to hear you are doing well.

Also agree with Little, it helps to chat with others who don't have kids and see our different challenges to keep in touch. My H has been less communicative lately - oddly after saying a few weeks ago that he missed talking to me daily and wanted us to be in closer contact.

I guess for those of us with no reason to stay in touch we have a different situation to navigate.

Is it "out of sight out of mind" or "absence makes the heart grow fonder"?

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Thanks for stopping by, L & L. It's true, not having kids does create some unique challenges and this really put me in a panic early on given the seemingly blank canvas staring back at me post BD.

But I have to say that reading stories here….yikes, those with kids are dealing with A LOT that we don't. Almost seems that their hearts are breaking twice over - once for themselves and once for their kids. The words that are coming out of their kids' mouths...raw, unfiltered commentary on their sitch? I'm not sure if I could deal with that. I'm still shaking my head at raliced learning from D6 that her H shares the same bed as OW at their house. What horror!

Seeing our online friends with kids navigate this situation restores my faith in humankind. They demonstrate their caring and compassion for others on a daily basis.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
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Ganb8te, I so agree! I do not envy those going through this with children. I don't think I could handle it! It takes some serious strength!

There are of course advantages and disadvantages to not having kids involved on our cases. We have no reason to keep in regular contact and no reason to stay together or work things out besides selfish desires. But we also don't have the agonizing pain and heartbreak of watching our kids suffer along with us.

Since we have no reason to stay in contact I think we have unique challenges but still things can turn around with our situations too. I think patience is the key.

Hugs,
Lisa

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I've mentioned a few times on other peoples' threads how insightful I found the book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. In some ways I found it to be the perfect "work on you" companion to DR. The basic principle is that we need a certain amount of differentiation in order to tolerate close relationships with other people. Differentiation relates to our ability to maintain a sense of self in these close relationships, which in turn relates to our ability to soothe our own anxieties and be emotionally immune to "infection" by other peoples' anxiety. Fail to do this and we become reactive or need to break contact. It gets too intense. We lose ourselves.

"Relationships go well when both partners self-confront and drive themselves forward." "If people won't confront themselves they start confronting each other, attempting to control their partner to keep themselves from feeling pressured."

I'm still mulling this through but I'm coming to think this is exactly where we were struggling in our M.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
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Thanks for the recommendation - I'll definitely check this out.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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I should warn you that there are some fairly graphic descriptions of how this plays out in the bedroom!


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
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gan Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2014
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(Smile on my face)

Just back from one of my GAL activities: volunteering with a men's shelter that offers university-level courses to internal and external clients as part of their enrichment activities. I just helped my learning partner crank out a 1000 word essay comparing the work of two sociologists that I've never heard of so that he can submit his final assessment. My learning partner is incredibly articulate but truly struggles to structure his thoughts and get things down on paper in a coherent way. I sat there and typed while he dictated to me. Zero to 1000 words in 1.25hr! He was so grateful at the end. He's taken this course 3 times before but never passed because he didn't turn in the essay. He'd better turn this one in!

My H is a fool.

Last edited by ganb8te; 10/22/14 08:21 AM.

H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Wow- what a fantastic sounding GAL activity - I'm very impressed - that must have been an awesome feeling.

And yes - your H is a fool.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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