Wife walked away (4 months ago now) thread 3

[BigMac]

Update,

This weekend I get a call from the WAW telling me that she is going to have to send D16 back to live with her grandparents.

Now that I am gone, the W has to be a parent to D16 (D16 is actually her daughter, though I raised her since she was 2).
Apparently my W was attempting to discipline D16 by taking away her computer and cell phone. W never had to be the heavy in the past because I was around. Of course D16 lost her mind, started screaming and yelling (as many 16 year old girls do). W put her hands on her, grabbing her face and screaming at her.

D16 ran to a friends house, and the W called me losing her mind. This was of course on a weekend where she had S9, and I was about to go out to brunch with some friends. Since the kids safety was involved, I dropped all of my plans and drove down to her side of town. When I got there however she didn't want me to come over.

While I was on the phone with her however, she was saying that she had no "alone time". She also told me that when I have S9 for my weekends she has the OM staying over at her house. And that D16 is being completely disruptive and rude to him. I did make the slip of saying "maybe she is just a good judge of character". Which, honestly I feel pretty good about saying

About an hour after, I get a call back from her catching up on the situation. The friend that D16 ran away to ended up mediating between the W and D16 and apparently crisis averted.

Needless to say, the relationship with OM is still there (that is confirmed).Though it sounds like D16 is doing whatever she can to be a pain in the backside to both of them. I hate to say it, but I love the fact that reality is catching up with W. The fantasyland that she moved away to does not exist.

And while I am in the process of moving on (after all that drama I ended up meeting some friends and playing ping pong at a beer garden, and then going out that night). I do hold hope somewhere down deep in the back of my heart that the relationship with the OM would end, and we would have at least the fraction of a chance of working something out.

[BigMac]

Another Update,

Things between the WAW and I are a bit more cordial for the moment. We have been partnering on how to deal with D16, who is acting out pretty severely. From what I can tell, the OM is still involved, however the stress of her life is getting to her.

She laid her hands on D16 last weekend, which caused a huge blow up. And I was pretty direct with her about a couple things. Either way, we are at least being nice to each other. What more can I ask right?

[sandi2]

Well I was probably too strict with my kids, so I will pass this on, FWIW. Cut D16 some slack b/c she has to figure out how to vent and deal with things that happen to her that she doesn't like......just as you do. She needs to have somebody she feels in her corner and she can trust. I hope this doesn't spin her into an all out rebellion, but it could.

Don't know how your W put her hands on her, but that is a good way to lose a D. At 16, the D could choose which parent she lives with, couldn't she?

Having a united front is the way to go......if you can.

[BigMac]

So, the sad thing about D16 is she is my step daughter. I have raised her since 2 though, so in my heart she will always be my baby girl. Sadly, under the eyes of the law I have no legal recourse when it comes to her.

I am however still there for her.

[BigMac]

Update,

W pinged me via text yesterday, apparently she is looking for a therapist. (this is after a long weekend she had away from the kids).

This was for a personal therapist for her, not for a therapist for mediation or divorce.

I am trying not to read anything into it, but for her to reach out like that is pretty close to her admitting that something went wrong. (This is huge for her)

One question I do have, lingering in my mind. She has always been, and from what friends say still is completely afraid to be alone. I wonder how this will affect her relationship with the OM.

It's funny, Patience has never been my strong suit. This entire process has been a lesson in patience. I'm sitting her typing, looking in the mirror and just realized that there is a lifetime ahead of us. Even if we end up divorced, we can always fall back into each other.

I keep putting all this pressure and stress onto myself. At the end of the day, I have bettered myself through this process. I am more self aware, I am calmer, I am healthier (though this past couple months I have slipped a bit as I moved).

I have done so much, and she has done nearly nothing (though going to therapy is a great first step).

I guess that this the best part of DB'ing. It really isn't about the WAS. It's about yourself.

[BigMac]

It's funny how a WAW can turn on a dime. This weekend I took S9 out to do indoor skydiving. And when he went back to his moms house, he was disponandt and clingy (I spent every waking moment doing cool stuff with him, interacting, being an available father).

The W calls me today, and basically wants more money. More cake eating. I am astounded how ungrateful she is. And when I put up boundaries all she does is threaten lawyers.

It's funny, a couple days ago she was very sweet. It challenges my detachment. Thankfully days like this I get to see the spoiled brat broiling in her juices lashing out at me. It helps me to detach, and reminds me that I can't get lured in by her sweetness. That it will flip to anger and manipulation in a heart beat.

[BigMac]

Update,

W is pushing to move forward with the D. She booked another vacation with the OM. And is basically just being nice to me when she needs money.

Selfish cake eating behavior... it never ends.

[Zues126]

Hey big. I've got no wisdom, just wanted to let you know I'm still following your thread. It feels like a lifetime has last for me in my last few months, you've been in a similar sitch. But I'm proud of you. You were really attached, insecure, dependent, frightened, and depressed (if I remember right). And I think you had some of the same defense mechanisms I using. Seems you have really slowed down, taken care of yourself, made decisions you can be proud of, and have found moments of peace and joy amidst the grieving. Good job and keep going!

[BigMac]

Thanks Zues126,

Thanks for following, this whole process has been scary as hell. You know, I really did/do believe in "tell death do us part, in sickness and in health". But holy smokes, WAW's literally lose their minds. The destruction that the W has caused has been so huge. Both on the children, and an me.

I was soooo alone when this started. Coming to this board was a huge help. My get a life activities helped me to realize that I can thrive, with or without her.

While I had a goal of being a devoted husband and father, that some things are out of my control in life. And frankly, I am an awesome father. I have given up everything I knew and loved, put the the health and welfare of the kids first while she was out romping around with her boyfriend. I have done it right, and passed the hardest test I have ever been given.

Will she turn around? Who knows. I suspect that a year or two from now she may clearly see the damage that she has done to the children, herself and me. And when the fantasy she has built crumbles down around her, she will again come crawling back to me.

At this point, even though I know I will always love her, I am detached enough to know that she is sick. I still have hope that at some point in the future she will come out of it, but I know now that it most likely won't happen. And honestly, I'm not sure I would allow her back. I feel that she will just repeat the same behaviors another 7 years from now.

So now, my focus is on continuing to GAL. Being a great father, and the best me that I can be. Because honestly, that is the important thing. Making sure my little boy has a safe and secure environment

Thanks for all the support everyone!

[Mozza]

BigMac - I just started following your thread, so I've not seen the beginning, but from what I've seen in the posts here, you are an inspiration.

And is basically just being nice to me when she needs money.

I hope this is clear by now? It's a simple matter of incentives: you are money and solutions to her. You keep her from facing her new reality. I don't know much about your situation, but at some point, you'll have to let go of "it's for the kids!" Paying her bills is not good for the kids, not in the long run. They need a mom that can pay her bills, especially if she has a good income. She will not learn to balance her accounts because you paid her rent, quite the opposite. Every time you pay anything for her, you teach her to be financially irresponsible. That and she left you: she's on her own now. Let her face her demons so that she may come back a better person and realize what you bring in her life.