Yes. When you pray together, does she tense up? Does she seem uncomfortable? I know you said she doesn't respond but did she say things before?
"Any insights on this?"
After the BD, it's not uncommon for the LBS to try and do an immediate 180 and do all of the things that the WAS wanted before. Problem is that the WAS no longer wants it from the LBS because they were ignored for so long. So that's why they'd rather get those actions from another person.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You are in a difficult spot with your W. Most WAW'S (walk away wives) have a laundry list of complaints against their H. Perhaps she longed for you to do certain things for years that you ignored. Now that she is not interested in the marriage, naturally you feel doing all those things she wanted should solve the problem. Makes sense, doesn't it? However, things are much more complex now. She has changed. Her mindset is different now. Her feelings for you have changed. She may still have a love for you but it is more like a brother-sister type, not the man-woman attraction.
Most WAW'S have resentment stored up that comes to the surface. She may get angry at you when you try to do the things she once wanted. She is angry b/c you waited until she was through before you stepped up to do anything about it.
The anger mixed with the unattraction equals a no win solution when you try to please her. In fact, whenever you do those things to plead her, she feels you are trying to make brownie points......and it just turns her colder than ever. So, I suggest you do not try to do things in hopes of scoring points with her.
You can, however, take her complaints in consideration. Would it make you a better man if you were to change that particular behavior? Would it make you feel better about yourself? If it would, then do it. But do it for yourself and for your own personal growth. If you are looking back to see if she is noticing your changes, then you need to question your motives.
I will give you a tip about a WAW. Don't waste your time in trying to please her or make her happy. She has to work that out herself. All she can see in you and the M are the negatives. The more you try to convince her otherwise, the more she will resist.
Almost everything out of your mouth or the actions you do will be pressure on her. You won't be able to see it or understand it, but nevertheless.....it is pressure to her. So what are you to do? I suggest you stop trying to get her back. Take you focus off her.
This may sound rather selfish, but the end results are to become a man any woman would be a fool to leave (which is not selfish). But it does call for your focus to be on yourself while you accomplish that goal. Set personal goals of personal and spiritual goals. Live your life by keeping your calendar full of things you want to do that does not have ties to her. Get involved in new things or old ones that fell by the wayside. But don't do it with hopes of impressing her. If you do, she will see right through you.
Most LBS (left behind husbands) want to pursue the WAW. That does not work. You become a man she respects and desires and let her come to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Your situation sounds very similar to mine why do they go so cold like that. She is like my wife with a personality transplant. Or an alien? It's like at some level she is trying so hard to get me not to like her, they just switch off.
Thank you! I have just recently came to that conclusion. I am just going to work on myself and what I want. All the things you said. That way if she doesn't want to ever reconcile, I have already moved on mentally. I may not even want her back at some point.
I know it will not always be easy, but better than going straight for the D.
Going to go out tomorrow afternoon, without giving any details, and find a quiet place to try and finish the DB book. Maybe a few other things too.
A question I just thought of. If I have been doing some things prior to DB, that she always wanted me to do, and now if I stop, won't she think "I knew he couldn't keep up with this change very long".
Also it sounds like WAW might better respond to confident "Bad Boy". Any one have a thought on that? Or just be the man I want to become and let the chips fall where they may?
Tomorrow will be one week since I have started detaching and GAL. It is weird that she acts like everything is pretty normal, (she has normal conversations and seems happy), other than she no longer kisses me good by. I am definitely not pursuing W.
She has started giving me healthier snacks and no dessert at my request, as part of me trying to get in shape.
A question I just thought of. If I have been doing some things prior to DB, that she always wanted me to do, and now if I stop, won't she think "I knew he couldn't keep up with this change very long".
Well here's the thing, when a WAW is done with her M she will find something to justify her reasons regardless of how diligent you work to please her. That is why you have to get your focus off trying to do all those things for her b/c you're just spinning your wheels. Besides, you become a slave to that particular mentality. The more you worry about what she could think, the more imprison you become. IMO, it would take away a man's masculinity and self confidence b/c he lives in fear of displeasing her and always worrying what she may be thinking. You will become the "yes dear" man that makes her nausiated. I have found that if I live my life unto the Lord, I don't worry about what anyone else thinks. It really is a freeing experience.
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Also it sounds like WAW might better respond to confident "Bad Boy". Any one have a thought on that? Or just be the man I want to become and let the chips fall where they may?
I don't think they are drawn to their "badness" as much as their air of authority and self-confidence. Women like men who have a "take charge" attitude. Not in a bully sense, but more like a leader. He steps up and gets things done, instead of sitting back and being passive. He knows what he wants and goes after it. He appears to be courageous and daring. Those are the traits that attract women......not being bad.
There may be some females who are attracted to the bad boy simply b/c his image represents a type of rebellion, and that is exciting to her. The spirit of the WAW is in rebellion, so she will often imitate a teenager who rebels about limits and standards imposed on her and/or the very lifestyle she has lived. She wants to experience the craziness of a free spirit that lives on the edge of whatever has been off limits in her life. An example would be a role model of what we might think of a Christian wife & mother who suddenly starts living on the wild side......hitting bar scenes......meeting up with men......dressing provocative......picking up bad language/undesired habits, etc.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
