Lisa, I appreciate the encouragement and I'm sorry for being negative but he has specifically said that any changes I'm making mean nothing to him whatsoever. Nothing.
So what if he says that? Does that mean it's true?
When my ex and I were still talking, he'd shriek something at me like "The writing was on the wall, you wanted to live in [this city]" and then a month later I'd say "BTW, I never wanted to live in [city] and he goes "I know, I never thought you did." And I'd be like WTF!??!?!?!?
There is EVERY chance he has no clue what he thinks/feels.
We are here. We get it. But you know what? You absolutely WILL get through it. You will find strength you didn't even know you could muster-- for you and your daughter. And that itself will build your confidence and help you grow ever stronger.
It suxx. I totally totally get it. I have one relatively easy kid and I did not sign up to do this alone. I hear you.
But you can do this. We are here.
I've found strength in those moments where I felt like I just HAD to lean on someone... But no one was available. ..so I had to just put on my BGP and get through it myself... and I did... and realized I COULD.
Two weeks ago, vossy, I was hormonal. It's not minimizing my feelings, it's a reasonable question to ask. At the moment I'm not particularly hormonal but my feelings are the same.
I'm just completely hopeless. I can't do anything but cry.
I'm going to out some cozy socks on and vacuum for a while. Crying while vacuuming is efficient and allows me to ugly cry noisily and none of the neighbors can hear. This is a big step because vacuuming requires getting off the floor.
It's not quite putting my BGP on, Claire, but right now I can only aspire to that.
I can't take a walk because I will just cry while walking down the street, while loudly muttering curse words and "whhhyyyy?" And we already have one crazy guy on our street, I don't need to be added to that.
In good news: D got her black stripe at karate. She's amazing and learning so much so fast.
Bad news: because of our schmucking separation I didn't get to see her earn it, H did.
I feel a lot like I did after I had D and had PPD. Like H and D would just be better off without me. I'm not suicidal, just wanting to physically disappear from all this and never come back, like move to South Africa or something. Obviously I won't do that because of D but it's the same thought as when I had PPD. Perhaps my antidepressants need major adjusting.
I'm off to fire up the Dyson. I really could use advice, specific actions, on getting up from a super low point, perhaps the lowest (god, let's hope it doesn't get lower than this). What do you do? How do you cope? I don't have good coping mechanisms and I'm not good at self soothing. Things most people learn in toddlerhood, I haven't figured out yet. I really need help.
Hi Ss, I know you are at a negative point but what vossy said is true. These WAS spout all kinds of stuff. Maybe it is true, maybe it is true in the moment, and maybe it is complete nonsense. Try not to listen to it.
The typical ways to break out of a funk you already mentioned, like go for a walk, watch a funny movie, etc. But for me the best thing is just to feel really sorry for myself, cry my eyes out and go to sleep. Later things are better.
Vent to us on here, write in your journal, watch a sad movie and cry. Feel the pain and it will pass. Watch The Fault in Our Stars. What a touching movie. I cried a lot. On the airplane... haha.
Things will improve, and especially your mood will improve. I promise!
I hear you. The feeling like they will be better off without me, not wanting to die, but wanting to just disappear (I fantasized about heading out west to the desert).
My rabbi spoke last month about how small positive actions can lead to changes in thoughts and feelings.
So, go get up and do something. Because both the doing itself, and the realizing that you were able to do something, will help you move forward.
I'm sorry you are in a difficult place. We all know that it totally sukks and that you can't be *up* all the time. I do know this. Regardless of what happens, you will be fine. As a matter of fact, you can be better than ever. I realize that isn't a huge consolation at this point, however it is true.
Most of the *changes* I implemented post BD while my xh lived at home were more touching and $ex. I thought that we just had a SSM. However, h prattled off a new list each day and some things he mentioned were flat out ridiculous. I don't tell you this to make you feel bad, I just mention this because he said "he knew I was trying but I just wasn't that kind of person." And I never dreamed he was the kind of person who would up and walk out on his family. However, that really doesn't matter at this point. And while I hate to say what your h says doesn't matter, that's his story. You must focus on you and your D.
Congrats on your new job. I think that's a nice distraction and a great way for you to meet some new peeps. Enjoy him helping out around the house and with D. What does it mean? Who knows? Enjoy it and it's okay to cry. I still do as well some days.
Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Here's something weird to do: Go on YouTube and watch videos of either babies laughing or Bradley Cooper + Jimmy Fallon laughing (it was on the other day).
For one, you can't help but laugh. But two, supposedly laughing is quite LITERALLY the best medicine, or so science says.
ss - time will make this better. I know I felt so cr*ppy the first several months. Crying daily. Wishing I could disappear. All of that. But as you get used to life without H and realize some of the positives (they are there even if it's just getting to watch what you want on TV!) AND really accepting that even though you know exactly how to fix things, you can't make H participate if he doesn't want to, you will let go more. It just takes time. It will become easier.
Last edited by KGirl; 10/25/1412:34 AM.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Vacuuming helped and my carpets feel better, too. I
t may seem remedial but I need to come up with a checklist of things I can do without thinking to help me out of a big slump.
1. Get up! 2. Do something physical (jumping jacks, clean, vacuum, dishes). This can and probably should be done while sobbing. 3. Keep doing it until a teeny tiny answer comes. Reminders like: "so what if he said that, it doesn't mean it's true.", "believe none of what he says and half of what he does", "time and patience change many things", "convincing him is just going to make him turn away". 4. Take a HOT shower and cry more. 5. Moisturize heavily and hope for depuffage.
Separately, Georgiabelle your story of how H had a new litany every day of his issues, that's my H. Every time we talk there's either completely new stuff or a new intensity for the old stuff. A repeated phrase is, "you don't understand" and there's a whole lot of assuming and projecting how I feel or think or what I will or won't do, how I will or won't handle certain situations, how no amount of change could help him get over the atrocities I've committed against him, how there's no way to get through the masses of resentment he feels, that there's no such thing as starting over or wiping the sleet clean (even though I've never proposed such a thing).
So does all of that mean he just needs A LOT more time? That he's so stuck behind dark glasses that he can't see a single tree let alone the forest through the trees?
Ugh, typing all that out means I need to vacuum again.
Ss06, I honestly and truly believe there are a LOT of positives in your situation, despite how it seems. But you have to remember that it always looks different to an outsider than an insider. I do think your H needs a lot more time, but I also believe in this old Shakespeare (I think) saying:
"Me thinks he doth protest too much" (or something like that)
He repeats these feelings because the more you say something out loud, the more it must be true. That doesn't mean it is. But he is probably trying to convince himself of that as much as you, because then he can't feel guilty or like he has done the wrong thing, etc.
Unfortunately for you, you are going to have to keep chugging away, slowly but surely. And it might take a long time. But you have a few things on your side: a great co-parenting relationship, no OW that we know of(??) and the fact that he seems to enjoy being around you and your D.
Keep these things in mind and focus on what you CAN do, not what you can't. You CAN present a PMA every time you see him. You CAN look good. You CAN validate his feelings at every turn. You CAN make every interaction he has with you and your D a positive one. You CAN be a better person. You CAN enforce the changes you have made, whether he acknowledges them or not.
As for making yourself better, keep all the above things in mind, but also find out what lifts your mood and do those things all the time: movies, walks, snacks, takeout, exercise, cleaning, manicures, facials, time with friends, reading, playing with your D, etc.
And also keep in mind natural mood lifters like laughing, exercise, etc.
