Inside my chrysalis 6

[Zues126]

Hey SS...keep charging.

I've been having some flashes of anger. Some at STBX, some at the universe for allowing this. And the logical part of my brain keeps asking why? I mean...two people...why NOT choose to be loving and compassionate and committed?

Then I think about the reality of our M, and some of the things I did. If I had been her I probably would've made the same decision. So why did I act that way? Point is, I also fall short and did things that caused this type of pain and destruction. And while I can't take full responsibility for her choice to end the M and her actions since, I can't judge too harshly when I played such a large role.

As for purpose...look back at your life and see if you can find a pattern. I don't always know where to go, but when I look back at my life I see that competing (at work and with games) has been central to me. It seems to be what I do. I finally saw that and went with it. What are some things about you that have been lifelong?

[Card29]

Ss, I'm glad to hear your job is a form of GAL for you. Again, who knows what that could lead to. If nothing else, what it's doing for you now is healthy.

I don't know if there's anything to read into the chores by WAH. My WAW has made me some food, brought me some groceries without asking, has offered to set up alll of my auto bill pays when we split finances. Yet she has recently made it painfully clear that she wants nothing to do with our M and wants to see other people.

So as ganb8te said, acknowledge it (as you did), smile about it, and move on

[Maybell]

My H looked after the kids for me last week while I went out with friends and when I came home he had drunk two of the beers in the fridge and was watching my cable. Didn't thank me for the beers or comment on them (very different from what he usually drinks because they actually belong to a friend who hangs out at my house a lot), nor did he fold the kids' laundry or anything else. Apparently "babysitting" his children is all he's called to do.

I say, live in the moment, appreciate the chores, and then leave it behind. Your H is a confused fella. (Possibly trying to shore up his narrative of what a great supportive husband he's been...)

How're you doing??

[Ss06]

I'm ok, maybell. Confused even more after today. H is hanging around a lot. Claims to have work to do in the studio but hangs out in the house with D and me.

He helped me out tonight by picking up D and taking her to karate on my night because I got off work a few minutes late. He hung out and talked with me and a couple of the moms at karate, he played his typical self: hilarious, charming and even more funny. I said something about dinner being so hard on Tuesday and Thursday nights because of karate and homework and bath time, etc. he offered to pick up D's favorite take out. Awesome. I thanked him profusely. We arrived home and he had it all set out complete with homemade steamed broccoli, milk, etc. this is stuff he could barely muster the strength to do begrudgingly before BD and now he's all about it.

Then strangely, he discovered a splinter in his finger (what he's doing near wood of any kind is confounding but whatever). He chose to perform surgery on himself 3 feet from D with a knife from our knife block. Trying not to be critical I said only that it didn't seem very sterile. He agreed and proceeded to wash the knife in the sink before using it to dig out his splinter (??????!!!!!). He cursed out of frustration (or pain, who knows) loudly so D and I could not ignore the display. How weird right? What the heck is going on?

He's here a lot and not just in the studio, he's in the house with me watching TV, talking about D's teacher, homework, upcoming tests (before BD he barely knew what time school started let alone who her teacher was or when she had tests), funny things that happened throughout the day, etc. it's confusing and stumping. I'm taking it as face value but it's odd. Very odd.

[vossy]

Sounds to me like he's lonely and misses the interaction.

[bravo61]

I think it's great that he is more involved in your D life. While his behavior is confusing it sounds like a positive baby step to me. And he was doing it not you! I'm jealous as beck. Just appreciate as it comes and try not to look for negative. Although it seems as if all of us only experience negative with our spouse's.

[Ss06]

I'm back to feeling like [censored] again. I have no one to talk to about all this and I feel like I have no more tears to shed, yet hey still come.

His hopelessness is overwhelming. I just desperately want to penetrate it and SHOW him.

He just wants to start a new life. He's resentful for this separation because he has to wait to even do that (find a house, perhaps date). His words are so final.

I'm not going to make it through this. Everything is about waiting. I have to wait for my IC appointment on Monday, my DB coaching apt on tuesday, my BFF isn't available to talk, my other friends aren't the right choice to talk to, my brothers don't even know what's going on and they're both out if the country right now,... I only have you guys but even you guys can't come here and hold me while I weep.

I'm just so lost.

I know precisely what to do to fix our marriage but I'm not given the option.

I told him I didn't want to have the regret of knowing what to do to help fix it and not be given a chance for it.

He said he didn't want to regret working on the marriage and when it doesn't work say, "I was almost out, almost divorced".

We are on polar opposites of all this and he's so strong-willed and stubborn for the sake of being right that he won't budge.

I can't pick myself off the floor literally and proverbially. I can't do this alone. I can't feel like this anymore and people keep saying "let it go, move on" but move on to what? I want this to work, I know it can work. I've made mistakes, not been the person I know I could have been. I know.

And to think of my daughter. If I'd known I'd be in this place facing all of this I wouldn't have had her. It's a terrible thing to say but oh my god, I can't take all this pain.

I'm really hitting bottom and I don't know how to get up. I just don't. I can talk buzz words like hope and making myself a better person and he'd be a fool to leave and all that but NONE of that gets me off the floor sobbing.

How? How do I turn this around? How?

[LisaB]

Ss, you are doing so well! You are having a bad moment. Go with it. Feel the depths of the pain. Cry. Afterward you will pick yourself up off the floor, feel much better and have the strength to carry on! I know you will!

Remember this is a rollercoaster and at the moment you are at the down part but it will come back up! It sounds like things with your H are in a positive place. He is hanging around and participating more in your D's activities.

Try to have patience and when your H is hanging around SHOW OFF THOSE 180s. He needs to see lasting changes to pull him out of his stubborn negativity. You can do it girl!!!

We love you and are here for you. Be sad, wallow in the pain and then you will feel better.

Big hugs, Lisa

[Ss06]

Lisa, I appreciate the encouragement and I'm sorry for being negative but he has specifically said that any changes I'm making mean nothing to him whatsoever. Nothing.

[vossy]

Ss06, without getting too detailed or personal - and not to negate your feelings AT ALL - but are you feeling hormonal? Because I always have an emotional meltdown around that time, almost like I have no choice.

Truthfully, there is no specific answer as to how you turn this around. But for your own sake, and for your daughter's sake, you really only have one choice and that is to keep moving forward. If big steps are too hard, or unavailable to you thanks to your H's stubbornness, work on the tiny steps. The *seriously* tiny steps. Do something that cheers you up, even if it's stupid. (For me, I watch stupid teen movies like Twilight, as embarrassing as that is, simply because they breed that sort of hope that only teenagers can have because they haven't been hurt yet!) Or go for a walk. Do everything one step at a time. Don't think about tomorrow, or the next, or the next. Just work on getting through one hour at a time.