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Originally Posted By: Card29
Cheering for you tonight, Ss! It absolutely will be worth it


Thank you, card! Your support is awesome and I have been a bad friend and not reciprocated to any of you. I feel like I'm drowning myself so encouraging others to swim parallel to the rip tide whilst I can't get past the ankle slippers seems silly. Please know I'm cheering for you, too.

This LBS stuff is for the birds.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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(((Ss)))


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Originally Posted By: Jefe
"I was a condescending shrew of a wife. I was resentful and frustrated with lots of unmet needs. I also wasn't very good at meeting his and we had a terrible SSM. I was critical and unempathetic, didn't love him the way he needs to be loved and wasn't very respectful.

Hey, we're sisters! Twins, maybe.

And our childhoods have some similarities. I felt I was so far in a hole I couldn't see daylight and then there was H, kicking dirt down on me.

But as I've said before, I wouldn't take nuthin' for my journey now. My life is almost unrecognizable to 4 years ago. You're getting there, it's just sometimes a crappy trip to the other side.

Open yourself up to the it as much as you can. Say yes to the life you have now, it may not be what you would have chosen but it's the one you have. It can be beautiful and when we decide to be in control of just us and our happiness NO ONE can take that from us.

I think I understand how scary it is to let go...that's dangerous territory for us because something bad, painful even might happen if we don't control for everything.

But look at where you are, and how much you've changed. I've seen the changes. Look at the things that have happened and you're still standing. You're a survivor. You can get to the other side.

Re his comment about NoCal...remember, believe only half. Who knows why he said that but you don't have to do anything based on what he says. That's the beauty of letting go and living your life. I have confidence you'll do what's best for D.

((( )))


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Originally Posted By: Ss06
Originally Posted By: Card29
Cheering for you tonight, Ss! It absolutely will be worth it


Thank you, card! Your support is awesome and I have been a bad friend and not reciprocated to any of you. I feel like I'm drowning myself so encouraging others to swim parallel to the rip tide whilst I can't get past the ankle slippers seems silly. Please know I'm cheering for you, too.

This LBS stuff is for the birds.
Ss the thought never crossed my mind! I know exactly what you're going through. There are days/weeks that I feel like I shouldn't even try to offer advice or support. Take care of yourself. We all know what a great friend you are


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
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T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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I'm praying and cheering for everyone here that I interact with. We all need the support. Sometimes helping others here is a blessing for me.

Have a good day!


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
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Quote:
Open yourself up to the it as much as you can. Say yes to the life you have now, it may not be what you would have chosen but it's the one you have. It can be beautiful and when we decide to be in control of just us and our happiness NO ONE can take that from us.


Does a opening up to it mean acceptance? I am really trying but it is a lot to ask to succumb to the life someone else has chosen for you, you know? Add to that the impact on D that H seems to ignore because he doesn't want to face that this could actually be hard on her (lest he feel guilty) and acceptance seems silly and almost cruel. I realize that fighting it is futile... Is there no middle ground?

I mean, my life right now consists of a part time, hopefully temporary job, possible temporary living arrangements, awkward holidays... How does one open up to that? How do I create some permanence, consistency, predictability for D and I?

I think that's why this NorCal job is so tempting. Change big enough to start over. Granted, I'm seeing some escapism on my part in the decision but I'm looking at that. It may not be the best idea but I haven't even been granted an interview yet so it's not like I'm moving next week.

And labug, I am a survivor but I am brought to my knees when I think about D. I can't make this stop for her, protect her from it. Part of me despises H for thinking she's "fine" and will continue to be "fine". He doesn't want to face his decision as being hard on anyone but himself and I never knew he could be that kind of man. It makes me cringe to think I picked someone who could do this to her and convince himself that it's not that big of a deal. I just can't reconcile that.

I want to get to a place where I'm ok with all of this unpredictability, hurt, struggle but I'm definitely not there yet. I can't really imagine ever getting there but you've done it so I have hope. I'll keep doing the work.

And, if I'm making all these changes and YOU all can see that, why is H so closed off and blind to my changes?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Ss, I'm sure labug will respond to your questions and concerns. I'd like to offer you thoughts as a fellow struggler. EDIT: Sorry for the novel. I've had this open in the background all afternoon at work today and kept adding things as I thought of them. I tried to stay within my own experience so far.

Quote:
Does a opening up to it mean acceptance?
Depends on what you're accepting. Accept reality, but nothing more. Your H left, has blamed your for all of his and your problems, your D is hurting right now, you are tremendously underemployed at the moment. But it doesn't mean you should accept the fears you have for you and your D's future.

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I am really trying but it is a lot to ask to succumb to the life someone else has chosen for you, you know?
YES, that is a huge challenge. I struggle with this very often, and it is still one of the biggest challenges that faces me everyday. I always wanted to be a good H and had no idea my W was unhappy. It feels unjust to learn about her struggles after it was too late to do anything about my contribution to it. But the days I dwell on those thoughts are my worst days, and wishing for a different past does nothing for me. It is not the "good" kind of pain. It feels like self-torture to me.

Quote:
Add to that the impact on D that H seems to ignore because he doesn't want to face that this could actually be hard on her (lest he feel guilty) and acceptance seems silly and almost cruel. I realize that fighting it is futile... Is there no middle ground?
I'm not quite sure what you mean by a middle ground, but this is not strictly a discrete choice between two or three options (futile resistance, fearful flight or hopeless succumbence). You know that fighting and resisting your H's decisions is not the way to go. I'm not suggesting that you moving to NorCal is simply "flight"...that might be the best option for your life going forward! More on that below, though. But there is much more to embracing reality than just "giving in". Right now reality is terrible for us (and especially you at the moment...I could be back there with you any day or moment smile ), but it won't stay that way forever. You and D7 have a beautiful life ahead of you, with or without your M to WAH. I know you've heard these words here many times, and I don't expect you to be suddenly filled with joy at reading them one more time. Just know that those of us that write things like this to you truly believe you will feel this way someday, too, especially if you stick with DBing.

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I mean, my life right now consists of a part time, hopefully temporary job, possible temporary living arrangements, awkward holidays... How does one open up to that? How do I create some permanence, consistency, predictability for D and I?
I, too am somewhat dreading the holidays, my first with split custody of D2. I am waiting around for my house to sell so that I can move into my mom's basement for a while. I don't have any sage advice for you here. I just want you to know I'm walking that part of the struggle with you. I know we're just anonymous people on a message board, but I really do think about Ss06, Maybell, Ahoy and others throughout my day. I will say this...what has kept me from falling into depression with these things IS accepting reality and trying to find things in these situations that do make me happy, even the tiniest things. Selling my house? I never liked having the laundry 2 floors away from the bedrooms. Moving in with my mom? I will be moving into the guest suite that has an awesome, cozy wood-burning stove/fireplace. And I know that this is just a phase. With or without WAW, someday I will find a place of my own that I love again. Somedays it is just too much for the "little sweet things" to outweigh the dread. But keep searching for them and you might find a day or two when you can see a light. Is there anything at all about your BR job that makes you happy? It doesn't have to be life-fulfilling happiness because this is not a lifetime job. Same thing with the holidays. I know what will su*k about them. What is something you could look forward to?

Quote:
I think that's why this NorCal job is so tempting. Change big enough to start over. Granted, I'm seeing some escapism on my part in the decision but I'm looking at that. It may not be the best idea but I haven't even been granted an interview yet so it's not like I'm moving next week.
I know you will not make a hasty decision if it comes to that. Also, not a single person on this forum can tell you if a move to NorCal is the best decision for your and D7. When you get to a detached place, you will be able to make that decision. You know the advice we've given you so far, though (grass is not always greener, but also there are ways to make that work if it is best for you and your family). Also, I'm sure you didn't mean it literally, but nothing you do will be a clean "restart". But like labug and other survivors/vets have said, they wouldn't want to start over if they could. I believe you and I (and everyone else in the midst of this here) will say the same thing in the future. (Right now I still sometimes lean towards the "I wish I could go back in time WITH my new knowledge" fantasy smile silly me).

Quote:
And labug, I am a survivor but I am brought to my knees when I think about D. I can't make this stop for her, protect her from it. Part of me despises H for thinking she's "fine" and will continue to be "fine". He doesn't want to face his decision as being hard on anyone but himself and I never knew he could be that kind of man. It makes me cringe to think I picked someone who could do this to her and convince himself that it's not that big of a deal. I just can't reconcile that.
You're right, you can't make it stop for her, and there's only so much from which you can protect her. It is naïve (foggy?) for him to believe that she is fine. She is in great pain. She can heal and grow, too, though. He could also simply be trying to convince himself of the lie to make his decision easier to make (speaking in absolute negatives), like every other WAS here does. I was reading through the piecing board the other day for some inspiration and read from some ex-LBS whose WAW had came back and admitted that she willfully ignored or forgot about memories or thoughts that made it more difficult for her to leave. They all do it. If he let himself believe that he was harming his D7, he would cause himself a self-inflicted wound. His fog is allowing him to avoid this. So don't believe him, don't even believe that he believes it.

And know this: You DIDN'T pick that kind of man. None of us would have picked our WAS's as they are now. They are not the same person right now. They will never be the same old person again. But who knows what kind of person they will be in the future. If he truly loves his D, when he comes out of his fog, whether he recommits to the M or not, I would hope there is a great chance that he recommits to D7. Will that happen? Who knows at this point, so don't waste too much energy wondering about what he will do. You have no control over what path he decides to walk. D7's long term happiness and growth doesn't totally depend on him, either.

Quote:
I want to get to a place where I'm ok with all of this unpredictability, hurt, struggle but I'm definitely not there yet. I can't really imagine ever getting there but you've done it so I have hope. I'll keep doing the work.
You can't be expected to get there on any kind of timeline. It is your journey. Just keep walking. We're all walking with you, whether we're being wheeled in on a stretcher (sometimes me), limping through rehab (sometimes me, as well) or striding on the other side of our life (labug, sandi, Bond, Wonka, others).

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And, if I'm making all these changes and YOU all can see that, why is H so closed off and blind to my changes?
Because seeing those changes makes his decision to leave more difficult and "on him". Of course the point of your changes is not to make him feel guilty. But if you were doing nothing to change yourself and suggest a different possibility for your M, if you were begging and pleading like many LBS's, or if you were reacting angrily and insanely like many other LBS's, you would have already made the decision for him. You might feel like you are spiraling out of control, but he is much further from reality than you are at the moment.


Me 38, WAW 30
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T 8 years
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BD 8/20/23
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Originally Posted By: Ss06
[quote]And, if I'm making all these changes and YOU all can see that, why is H so closed off and blind to my changes?


This might not be what you want to hear Ss, but we can see and appreciate your changes but didn't live through the bad parts of your marriage. As much as his complaints of PTSD sound silly to me, you have admitted your relationship wasn't so great a lot of the time and that you weren't so nice. And yet you hope (as many of us do) that realizing the error of your ways and saying you are sorry and have changed will make him forget or forgive the bad stuff.

That's not usually how it works, as you well know, having been through your own share of bad stuff. You need to keep up the changes going for a lonnnnnnggg time. And still he may never forgive or forget, who knows.

Give him time. Focus on YOU, not on HIM.

And I'd just like to add, I think you should look at the positives in your situation. Many of us would love to have our WAS coming around all the time, wanting to spend family time. Many of us would KILL to not have the horror of OW/OM and the pain and nightmares that causes. And lastly, many of us thought our marriages were going really well until BD and would happily focus on changing things we did wrong if we could only figure out what those things are...

Your situation is hard, I know, but it could be a lot worse! Just a little perspective.

Hugs, Lisa

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Lisa, you're right. My situation is certainly not an example of the worst or hardest or most extreme. And there are many things in my situation that seem positive, yes.

However, there may not be an OW as of right now, H has said he "would love nothing more than to have a romantic experience right now" . It is by no means the same as the actual horror you're speaking of, but there is no guarantee it won't become an issue. He did go to Santa Barbara three weeks ago with TWO women and paid for everything. He has been finding hookers on craigslist since 2009 (and that's what I was able to find). He may not have an OW right now but it's not for lack of trying.

And yes, I wasn't so nice. I can't argue that fact. My instinct is to say "but he acts like a child and I needed a partner who was an adult so anyone would become not so nice after a while" but that doesn't get me anywhere. I have no defense for my actions.

Card, I appreciate the mini-book you wrote. I'm impressed with your wisdom so early in your situation. I was there at one point and I lost it. Hold onto your direction and don't let anything sway you.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Originally Posted By: claire7


Ss,


To me, the first steps towards change are a) recognizing that change needs to happen; b) recognizing WHAT changes need to happen, specifically; c) noticing when we act in the ways that we want to change, and then d) (slowly) actually making those changes more and more consistently so that the changed behavior becomes habit.





Wise Words ... my first MC therapist..I felt she was amazing .. W hated her ... OM was still around and I had no idea .. go figure but I digress. Anyways she said this excact same thing to my wife, but I realized I too could grow and become better from such wisdom. I went home that night and made a short list of things I wanted to change. It really helps ... with the big ones and when you start catching yourself ... HUGE step let me tell ya.

Rooting for you Ss

Last edited by CaliGuy; 10/29/14 09:38 PM.

M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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