Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 12 1 2 3 11 12
#2498864 10/20/14 11:16 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
S
Ss06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
A sixth thread. >sigh<

At the end of my previous thread maybell posted this:

I'm saying it's not final because people change their minds. He may not realize he could, but we've heard many stories of how frequently people do. I'm saying, you are focusing on the bad and neglecting your own self.

But it sounds like that's where you need to be for the moment, so carry on.

I'm not saying that to be snarky. You've been so upbeat for so long that it was hard to believe you weren't in happy marriage a lot of the time. Now you're in anger. Go crazy, get it out.


You're right. People change their minds... But is it likely? My whole life is based on whether someone will change their mind. That's depressing. True but depressing.

I am definitely focusing on the bad. When I was focusing on the good I was wrong and seeing things that weren't there or weren't accurate. I'm struggling with finding balance and holding on to it.

I don't know what to do for myself. Honestly. A manicure here, yoga class there, special time with D... I love it but it only brings very temporary relief. I'm struggling with finding my positive voice again.

I was very upbeat before and come to find out, all the reasons why were false. I thought there were indications he might change his mind, thought I saw hope in his eyes, loved the changes I was making across the board... Now? It's hard to stay afloat let alone upbeat. I'm really trying. I'm hoping to get where Shining is with her perspective but man, I'm just not there.

Yes, I'm angry. Angry and so hurt. Just like so many of us. I used to be really good at logically thinking my way out of a problem but this one doesn't work with logic and it's too painful to emotion my way through it.

I met with my IC today. We talked about our role reversal of his emotionality and my logic and practical approach to our issues. We talked about my lack of emotional expression and lack of empathy for his. We talked about H's negative narrative and the litany of things I did and didn't do during the marriage, about he is not ready to see it any other way. She encouraged me to be more emotionally focused on myself and others. To practice empathy and empathy expression. To give H the space he needs.

This I can do.

Last edited by Ss06; 10/20/14 11:17 PM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Ss- I'm glad you posted - I wanted to add some words of encouragementbut your old one was locked

Originally Posted By: Ss06

I don't know what to do for myself. Honestly. A manicure here, yoga class there, special time with D... I love it but it only brings very temporary relief. I'm struggling with finding my positive voice again.



I'm going to make a suggestion here- follow Maybell's lead and do something wild and crazy - maybe something you never thought about doing. And find something you think you can't do . There are few more empowering feelings than accomplishing something you never thought you could get done. Look at your local Groupon - lots of time they have lots of discounted activities, take up a new sport or maybe even go back to school for something? Just make it something that's a stretch and a little ambitious. This is just me - but finding activities that are mentally taxing or physically on the grueling side are about the only times my mind is completely off the situation, and Ss - you need a little vacation from all of this .


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Oh Ss, I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the angry stage right now too. I can't seem to do anything right these days. Sometimes I want to be kind and compassionate because I think he is going through a crisis and sometimes I want to just write him off and never speak to him again and I can't help but think to myself, why did I deserve to be treated like this? Like I was worth nothing to him in the end.

I don't think I have any hope anymore, at least not unless he has an epiphany over the coming years once he realizes that the grass isn't greener with the OW. He seems to have finally chosen her over me as of last Sunday. Furthermore, he has burned so many bridges, I am on the cusp of moving out of our dream house, and now all of his co-workers and our friends know what that he had an affair that precipitated our break-up. Not sure how I have any chance to save this or even influence it at this point.

After the bomb drop, I tried so hard to be wonderful and patient, to be the kind of woman he would be crazy to leave, and it just wasn't enough to combat the allure of the OW in the end. We would go to dinner, and the chemistry was so amazing that we couldn't stop talking. He told me that I was beautiful and I noticed him staring at me on multiple occasions. We had amazing sex (ironic that he was now cheating on HER with me!). We shared fun activities like riding horses and going to the spa. But in the end, he was determined to leave me. So I felt rejected and heartbroken all over again. Looking back, I never had a chance.


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Aren't you a professional photographer? This seems like a great time to tackle a large, detailed, creative project just for you. Just for the challenge and pleasure of it. Or a business.

The last time I had a day when I did yoga and a pedicure on the same day, I felt awful. Just excessively hedonistic and lacking in purpose. Today I gave myself permission to sit down and write. Just write. I won't have some great Pulitzer Prize winning work out of it. But after fifteen minutes I came up with a pretty cool story idea. So that's my goal: to give myself permission to just write every day till November 30th, and see how I've changed. I felt so clean doing. My creative work.

Do something that will make you feel like yourself. Quit thinking about your H. GeorgiaBelle told us, those old marriages are dead and gone.

Be angry first if you need to, though. It's important to get that out of the way so you can move forward.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
S
Ss06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
Raliced and maybell, at first I was stumped and overwhelmed by the prospect of something wild and crazy because to me that meant risky. I couldn't think of anything and immediately began to feel boring and unexciting but maybell, your talk of writing is interesting. I've always wanted to write a memoir. I know, it's rather self-indulgent but I've always wanted to highlight that child abuse is not an affliction of the poor and uneducated.

I am one of three kids from two parents with highly advanced degrees in difficult subject matter, I was born in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, traveled the world before age 6, have attended 10 different schools through high school, left home at 16 to live in foster care, lived in a group home for a year, lived with my swim coaches my senior year, paid for my own high school tuition so I could finally go to ONE school for four straight years, got a full swimming scholarship to college, blah, blah, blah...

I don't know... Perhaps it's an interesting story to someone, with insane parts much like Augusten Burroughs' memoirs. I don't know where or how to begin but I could take a class, I guess. Something to consider right?

The reality is, maybell, my life completely lacks purpose. I need to find a purpose. I am a professional photographer and have wanted to work on a personal project for years but that too feels rather self-serving and indulgent. Maybe that's my excuse to not have to start, eh? I have two family sessions this weekend, which are always fun but I've lost my passion for it. So many people expect amazing photos for close to nothing. Very little value is placed on the art and talent of portraiture by the general public. It's shocking how many people say, "I can't spend more than $X, is that sufficient" and X ends up being 1/5th of my session fee and they want the digital photos for free. It's a hard business to have in LA where everyone is a "fauxtographer". It's discouraging.

I need to hear all this encouragement. I do eventually come out of my negative fog, I just need to know there's hope within me for something better and I've not seen that. I'll try to put the hope there since I can't find it. Here's hoping.

Zimmy, I can't imagine the pain of being overlooked despite incredible chemistry. Sounds like he's avoiding something with OW. I'm so sorry for your sitch. ((((Hugs))))

Last edited by Ss06; 10/21/14 03:50 AM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Take a class if it motivates you to produce. I find it puts pressure on me to create something of great merit before I even finish forming the thought. It doesn't matter if your story (or how you write it) is interesting to anyone but you. Write it and see what happens.

Do the personal projects. You never know where they'll take you.

I think a lot about history, and I've come to the conclusion that every human pursuit beyond our basic needs is self-indulgent. So... If you're going to be self-indulgent, be awesome at it. smile

And feel better soon, little sister.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 183
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 183
Ss06, why not start your own photography blog or something. It's not indulgent, it's just sharing your work. You can put anything you want there..


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
S
Ss06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
Lol, maybell. I can be awesome at being self-indulgent.

I'm charging my camera batteries and went to check out a location this morning. I'm ramping up.

I found a job opening for a company at which I know a few people. One of them is looking into which department the job posting is for. In this job market it helps to know someone so I'm hoping this is a sign in a positive direction. Trying not to get too hopeful.

Today is a new day with lots to do. I'm getting there.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
S
Ss06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
I'm doing better. Working, even only 4 measly hours at a time at a mall retail store helps me keep my mind on anything but my situation thus elimination my overthinking capabilities. That has helped immensely.

I have to admit though, it's confusing. H has to go to court tomorrow for a fix-it ticket he never followed up with so to avoid the $1500 ticket he has to drive 2.5 hours to be in court at an ungodly early time.

Tonight is his weekday night with D but he asked if he could put her to bed at my place because he has to get up so early tomorrow. I said no prob. D wasn't feeling well tonight so he brought her over, made her soup, put her in pajamas and they relaxed while I went to a super intense, hard-core yoga class.

I came home and he'd emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the two dishes that were in the sink, washed their dinner dishes, soup pot, etc and loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the counters and made D's lunch for school tomorrow.

WHA?!

He never did stuff like that before let alone this well and now he's doing it while we're separated?? It's confusing.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it and tell him so. It's very kind of him and incredibly self-less.

He's not a chore doer. Like, not at all. Why is he doing my dishes? Is this a test to see if I'll be appreciative? Am I reading into something I shouldn't?

Does your WAS do your dishes? Tidy the kitchen? Empty your dishwasher?

I'm aghast. Happy about it but aghast. What am I to make of these kind gestures?


Last edited by Ss06; 10/23/14 03:30 AM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
1. He opened a new cleaning business and wanted to test out a new product OR
2. He didn't do it. He brought little elves with him and they did it.

….and everything in between.

In other words, there's no way to tell Ss. Just be happy about it, show appreciation and let it go!

(Glad to hear you are doing better!)

Last edited by ganb8te; 10/23/14 03:50 AM.

H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Page 1 of 12 1 2 3 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard