Need help 3

[u-turn]

Just when you need encouragement - the cookie lets you down.

I TRY to laugh at those things when they happen to me.

[lostluv]

so I've read DB and DR .... but still having issues with the detaching. I'm really trying. I guess I'm starting to get better at it, but it's taking me everything I have. I cannot relax easily. I'm still thinking of going on meds. My crying breakdowns are getting less frequent. I really want to get out and meet new people but it's so much harder than it sounds.
I really don't want to do this anymore. I'm not sure how much more I can handle.
I'm going to try to read the books again to see if that helps, at least DR.
I have been leaving work early to help with my daughter by getting her up and ready in the morning and then off to the babysitter so my wife can get to work earlier and not be so overwhelmed. I will not be able to do that next week and the week after. So things will go back to they way they were when my wife originally complained that he "has to do everything and feel like a single parent"

part of me worries that it's just going to make her feel stronger about splitting up, but then there is a part that tells me that it is a good thing because I will not see her every morning for two weeks and MAYBE it will help with detachment....and MAYBE make her appreciate my help.

I'm debating on just telling my boss that I will not be leaving early even after the next two weeks.

we have a MC session on the 10/30. at the last one we were told to act as if it's "ok" for my wife to feel that she is DONE with the M. I did try to talk the first night, but since then I haven't brought anything up about the R. We have been civil and no arguments, but I thought the previous couple weeks went well too....and they evidently were worse for my wife.

I don't want her to leave (that's obvious haha), but there is a part of me that thinks "if she is done, then why don't she just leave?!?!?!?!!?!" or "why aren't we discussing options on living arrangement and assets division?!?!?" I'm not pushing it, just thoughts.

I wish I could just go do something every day to try to keep my mind off it, but EVERYTHING I DO ....I still think about my marriage failing! I know it's not healthy. I work third shift and do not sleep well so my motivation is starting to decline as well. going to karate twice a week and trying to continue to work out several times a weeks is about all I can handle. I do have a weekend event planned, but inside I'm really concerned.

how do I relax?

quick question.... is this normal?? I have always "noticed" good looking women here and there.(typical man right?) no big deal, I never would have cheated on my wife, just noticed. Now in my current situation, if I DO notice another woman....I instantly start to compare her to my wife....and usually my wife wins by a long shot. then i start feeling extremely guilty that I even looked and thought of comparing.
maybe a stupid question.....just wondering if I'm the only one.


I work out at home (full gym in my basement) but have been considering getting a gym membership so it will get me out of the house more and MAYBE meet some new people.

I'd like to try other social networks, but they all seemed to be geared towards "dating". that's the last thing I need is someone thinking that i'm on a "dating" network while trying to work on my marriage. I've been looking for local support groups, but doesn't seem to be to common in my area. I'm not religious at all so would rather not participate in a church related function .

ok, time to get back to work (yeah, i'm at work) and build on my PMA and figure out what other things I can do as part of my GAL.

[Zues126]

One thing to remember. The woman you are thinking about is not your W. it is who you thought she was, or who you wished her to be. I remind myself of this when I start obsessing because in my mind she was an angel that made my life meaningful. In reality she is a woman.

I'm the wron guy to ask about noticing other women. Yes. I compare at times and though I'm not on the market it helps me remember that though this isn't what I want, it's not a sentence to doom forever. But, as I posted on another Ahoy's thread, I don't really care about looks. I am mostly finding myself admiring women displaying strong values.

Don't panic. It will feel this way at first. Trust that you are a normal person, it would be scary if you didn't feel this way. I remember the first night it really hit me, it was like the rat torture in 1984. No getting out of this one...but though you can't change how you feel overnight, making good decisions will at least help as you know you'll feel better as soon as possible.

As for GAL, hanging out with friends is a good start. Find a few that can handle an ear beating. Don't just blame your W, talk about you, how you messed up, what goals you have, how it feels. Medium and long term it will be best to do GAL stuff that is less R oriented, but realistically if you're going to think about it you might as well be in good company. Then, after you've spewed for a while, do something else with your friends like watch a funny show, etc.

Sending support for the rest of your shift. Don't forget to breathe. And appreciate all the things you have. Remember, if you can't appreciate the life you have already adding a woman to the mix won't change that!

[lostluv]

opinions needed. as you all know, I'm really struggling with detachment. when i see my wife in the mornings I say good morning, ask her how my daughter slept and if she got enough sleep. her neck and back has been bothering her and she has been going to a chyropractor lately so I typically ask her how her neck is doing as well. when she gets home from work, i'll sometimes ask how work was and if anything exciting happend during her day. the conversation is usually pretty minimal. I'm ok with that and Don't expect her to be the most talkative person.

my question is....should I not say anything other than good morning and hi and let HER initiate all other coversation? I have done that, but it makes me feel cold.

i'm thinking my first description falls under "loving" detachment because I'm showing concern but not initiating anything about the R or her emotions.

thanks in advance for suggestions.

[lostluv]

Well, today was ok for the most part.....until tonight.

All day I did pretty good with PMA. So good that I actually was almost feeling "free"

I got home from class and my wife instantly inquired how it went. I simple said "it was ok, but I'm whooped". She told me a couple things that went on while I was away but I kept it short (remained pleasant )

Anyway, being completely exhausted.....I grabbed something to eat then dozed off in the recliner while my wife was watching tv. I woke up a half hour later (15 min before my alarm ) and felt panic! Looked over and my wife was not there, I figured she went to bed. I got up and went upstairs (needed socks) and really wanted to see her and say goodnight. She was not there. Then noticed she was in the both room. started packing my lunch and she came into kitchen and said good night and to have a good night. I said the same but VERY BADLY wanted to ask her fir a hug.....which probably would have ended w me crying

I managed to hold back, and I'm hoping I didn't appear too anxious. I don't know why I felt so strongly all of a sudden. I mean, earlier I was getting myself in such a good positive mood I actually was telling myself that maybe it would be fun to date other people again. I know that sounds horrible.....but all part of my roller coaster. Ugh...... I need professional help and possibly professionally prescribed drugs

[Jefe]

What sent you into the panic, lost?

[lostluv]

Not sure. Woke up and felt lost. Saw she wasn't there and assumed she went to bed. Shouldn't have mattered but still having issues w detachment I guess?

I wake up extremely anxious on occasion

[lostluv]

still feeling pretty anxious at work. it's going to be a long night. a lot going through my head. the wife seems pleasant, but I know I shouldn't believe what I see and only half of what I hear. I guess I'm still in denial because at times I just can't believe that it has to end.

so many things bothering me....and it's all WORRY. I'm concerned about our next meeting (oct. 30), my duaghter's 3rd birthday party is coming up (nov. 15), thanksgiving is coming up which will more than likely be at her parent's house (out of town). my thoughts are spinning trying to figure out what is going to happen. still eating at me about how we are going to do a separation and who is going to move ....i'm very torn either way.

deep inside I feel there is hope. I'm trying to realize my wife is NOT the the person (now) that I married 4+ yrs ago.

sometimes I feel the hope is what is hurting me from working on things because I feel the hope automatically creates expectations even though I'm trying NOT to expect ANYTHING. I do NOT want to let go of the hope because that's the only thing that keeps me moving even though no matter what happens, eventually i will be fine.

all of my thoughts about everything that's going on comes back to ONE constant.....why do we have to put our daughter through this? She deserves to have BOTH of us give our all to save this marriage and family. I cannot imagine not being able to be there every night to tuck her in, to be there to see her smile in the morning and say "good morning daddy, i slept all night!", to have her randomly jump on my lap and snuggle.... ugh

sorry for the rant, just expressing things so I'm not holding them in. I also like to come back and read what I write and think about it when i'm in a different state of mind. (weird?)

[LoveMyW]

Let it out lost.. I can't really help too much than the others have, but it doesn't help bottling it up..

[jim0987]

Its natural. The better you feel the more hopeful you feel which makes the distance more noticeable.

Like LoveMyW said let it out when your away from your W. Bottling is not good.