We do actually have some impact on the WAS's decision. They do not live in a vacuum. I think of their ultimate decision as a small boulder. If it's sitting on a slope, it's going to roll downhill no matter what you do. But maybe it's teetering on an edge, in which case you could influence which way it goes. We don't know where the boulder is, but we can behave like we can help it. The question then is how do we do good and especially not harm to the sitch. DB holds many of the answers there. Begging, pleading and more of the same will only kick the boulder down the hill. But make positive changes, paint yourself in the best light you can, be patient, and be prepared to act if WAS does give you a chance.
And if the boulder falls down the hill anyway, you've done the best thing for yourself, anyway.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Hi CMS. Your last post reminded me of a quote that I've been reminded of a lot lately so thought I'd share it with you
The longer I love, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church....a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi CMS. Your last post reminded me of a quote that I've been reminded of a lot lately so thought I'd share it with you
The longer I love, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church....a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.
ohhhh this is good. Thanks a million for sharing it. I may just have to print this up and frame it!
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
We do actually have some impact on the WAS's decision. They do not live in a vacuum. I think of their ultimate decision as a small boulder. If it's sitting on a slope, it's going to roll downhill no matter what you do. But maybe it's teetering on an edge, in which case you could influence which way it goes. We don't know where the boulder is, but we can behave like we can help it. The question then is how do we do good and especially not harm to the sitch. DB holds many of the answers there. Begging, pleading and more of the same will only kick the boulder down the hill. But make positive changes, paint yourself in the best light you can, be patient, and be prepared to act if WAS does give you a chance.
And if the boulder falls down the hill anyway, you've done the best thing for yourself, anyway.
good analogy card.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
Ok everything is set for the move. Wife has been chatty with me the last couple of days. Had a conversation last night where she went and looked at a horse. (she used to be a big horse trainer and barrel racer till injured). We had a place out in the country and got a couple of horses but I had placed a bigger concern that a fall would paralyze her with her back already so messed up. Anyways focus soon became on oldest son riding horses and resentment grew. we talked about how much we have learned since then and I did a great job validating her issues then and now.My 180's of not feeding into things and being defensive have been noticed and has affected her responses as well. Sure could have used this knowledge and ability before. Anyways The conversation then turned to good memories and laughs at our time up there involving horses. She told me the boys cant wait to see me and that they have really missed me. S4 has cried off ad on missing his daddy. So small progress but progress of any kind is good. Its a marathon not a sprint. Ive been doing a better job of detaching and other family members have noticed a change in that as well. Only real moment I had was her sense of urgency for me to get up there for that first weekend in November. She at first said it was for work but she works days and her mom watches the kids already while she works so its easy to try and wonder what she really has planned. I squashed it after realizing what I was doing and instead I am thinking as if its just she really wants the kids to see their dad. .....thanks for reading.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
Also for those who have not read DB or DR and on her looking for advice there is a reason it is recommended. Alot more clarity comes from reading the books. You truly start to grasp the concept of changing you for you and by doing so that can help repair a M. It is not a book containing true fire ways to "earn" or "win" your wife/M back. Thats why you dont see that kind of advice give either.
MR Bond pushes the books for a reason so this post is just my push as well. READ THE DB AND DR BOOKS!!!!
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
I know that not many are reading or keeping up with my sitch as there are some that seem much worse than mine but I find the journaling here helpful at times.
She has actually been me alot lately. Mostly with an excuse of kids to call then its a conversation full of other things. We had a couple nice phone calls here and there. But honestly I find myself at a new road and emotion. I am not mad or bitter and im not as over the top sad as I was before. Right now although I have focused on the things I need to chsnge and am doing so I am seeing my wife in a different light. She is literally going backwards instead of forwards as she is trying to convince people. Our phone call today she was cursing like a sailor. I do not like cursing or swearing in front of the kid. After giving my life to God I had given up swearing all together. my wife had a harder time but I never really said much about it unless it was really vulgar or in front of the kids. She has become cold, calculating and massively self centered more and more as the separation goes. She has went from telling the kids she is going to buy them everything to now delcaring she is buying a horse boarding it and buying all the stuff for it. all on just her minimum wage part time job working for her sister. She literally said well child support will cover things freeing up more of my money for my things.
I want our family to work and work to become something better than ever before. I have detached enough to start seeing though that there is alot of work her way as well. I can only focus on me. I pray she sees things clearly and sees this is destructive but I cant change her. I know regardless what happens I will come out of this the better man. I hope she realizes this before its all too late. All I know is right now I am so conflicted. I know I want my family back but I dont want who she is becoming becuase I dont want to be dragged down into it.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
I understand that last paragraph perfectly. My wife seems some days to be running a 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction. Don't dwell on it too much. God is at work. I don't see it or understand how it's possibly going to work out, but God's got this. The DB and DR books are not specifically spiritually centered but IMO, letting go and letting God is as much part of the deal as anything else.
I'm still praying for you, my friend.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Thanks Jefe yeah the DR book isnt spiritual but I have faith regardless that God is in this. She has resorted to using facebook as a means to justify her actions an try to act like all is well. She calls me being nice and then posts a picture that states how noone should stay in a toxic relationship where they are treated like a dog. you should want someone who is faithful and honest. I NEVER treated her like a dog even on our worst days. and I am the only one still being faithful to this marriage even. I was actually in a good moment of detachment but that picture hit me not because of R or M but because its a personal blow and is lie. but no matter I know the truth and so does God.
Now to focus on my kids and continuing to learn and grow into a beter person from all of this.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
Sprry for the long post but I failed to update the last few days.
Well some more of this crazy ride called DB. The wife calls daily and sometimes its all business and telling me future plans without and sometimes its to test and see if I will get defensive. So far I have done quite well. She mentioned on the phone today how nice it was to be able to not have any arguements or fighting for the past 3 weeks. Other times she texts and calls to discuss her buying a horse. While together she would always share her window shopping adventures with me on whatever new hobby or pastime she came up with (she switched alot) She would comment all the time on how much she liked that I always supported her ideas and would amuse her by listening and going along with them. So now that she wants a horse she is doing the same thing. She is sharing ideas of what to name it the choices of horses she wants etc.
We had a talk validiating some of her feelings from the past where we didnt handle issues when we had horses a few years ago. (things went south with some of her friends as my wife has some issues dealing with people, its something we knew of and dealt with. she knows she has personality disorder but has not been able to get treatment.) On my end I did not react well to her trying to teach me how to ride a horse and also didnt give her enough free time or encouragement for her own riding. We both agreeed we made poor choices and hind sight is 20/20. I validated and it went well.
Which brings me to today she has been on the phone with me texting ALL day long. Sharing pictures of what tack she wants to buy and discussing horses again. She then wanted me to get ahold of a lady we bought a horse from a couple years ago to talk about a couple of the horses she has for sale. ( as I mentioned she has trouble with people.) Anyways I told her I would and I did. My only request after setting up a meeting with her was that this lady agreed to meet because I didnt burn the same bridges with her my wife did. She knows about our seperation and found it nice that I was still helping out the wife during this time. I told my wife that I would set it up but our personal life stays that way and I don't want to set up a meeting where I am the topic of being bashed or drug in the mud.
This actually got a conversation started on our current situation. She said she would not bash me because I am the father of her kids and there is nothing really to bash. She said she has enjoyed being friends and not fighting and that we were friends before we got together and married. She said maybe it should have stayed that way then changed her mind saying we had our son together and other stuff that was good. I replied that yes right now alot of negative is seen but there were plenty of good times and memories. She agreed and said well yeah there was lots of good if there wasnt I wouldnt still be talking to you. She then said she is fine where we are at right now and who knows where the future will lead but for now she wants to be friends and go from there.
So thats where I am at. The PMA and 180's are doing good and going strong. GAL is ok but ill get better after the move. sorry for the novel
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
