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So she also worked and expected her to clean most of the time. So prior to the BD, how many times have you been romantic to her? What was the issue with sex? Did you not want it?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Originally Posted By: MrBond
So she also worked and expected her to clean most of the time. So prior to the BD, how many times have you been romantic to her? What was the issue with sex? Did you not want it?


It was actually not that often that I would expect her to clean, it was the fact that she never offered to help was what bothered me the most, otherwise I'm usually just fine doing it myself, it was just this one time that for some reason it just bothered me more than others.

I suppose in the last few months before BD I was romantic a few times. I would randomly say I love you when she wouldn't expect it. I would rub her back at times and assure her that I loved her. I'm reading 5LL and now know that her main LL is physical touch. She always loved being hugged, kissed and hold hands. Things which I did do a lot, but the sex part of physical touch LL I know is an area I severely lacked. I admit that I did not do enough to initiate times for intimacy and that is something I need to work on.

I think that both of us were somewhat uncomfortable talking about sex, how often we wanted it, how important it was to us and therefore expected that it would just happen when the times were right. There were times when I've wanted sex and she would reciprocate but those times were few, a lot of it being because of the porn would kill my sex drive, and therefore caused me just not initiate. Or she would initiate sometimes and even though I wanted it, I told her I wasn't in the mood and couldn't pull myself together because my drive just wasn't there and really felt ashamed.


Me:31 W:28
No Kids
T:14 M:8
BD:09/24/14
Separation 09/25/14
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Past few days I've noticed that I wake up actively thinking about my M and sometimes it doesn't bother me too much but this morning was hard, I couldn't get it out of my head even though I was trying to force it.

Eventually I just had to physically pull myself up and get ready for the day and I was better. Anyone feel that way every morning when they wake up just thinking about your R or W?


Me:31 W:28
No Kids
T:14 M:8
BD:09/24/14
Separation 09/25/14
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" I would randomly say I love you when she wouldn't expect it. I would rub her back at times and assure her that I loved her."

That's NOT romantic. Those are just things that you should have done DAILY. Romantic is roses, wine and dine, dancing, a weekend getaway, etc.

"Things which I did do a lot, but the sex part of physical touch LL I know is an area I severely lacked. I admit that I did not do enough to initiate times for intimacy and that is something I need to work on."

You didn't want sex with her?

"I think that both of us were somewhat uncomfortable talking about sex,"

She wasn't. Why do you think she got you that book?

"how often we wanted it, how important it was to us and therefore expected that it would just happen when the times were right."

It's so obvious that this was just YOUR thinking and NOT HERS.

"There were times when I've wanted sex and she would reciprocate but those times were few, a lot of it being because of the porn would kill my sex drive, and therefore caused me just not initiate. Or she would initiate sometimes and even though I wanted it, I told her I wasn't in the mood and couldn't pull myself together because my drive just wasn't there and really felt ashamed."

Are you going to a C for this?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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I need to find that book again and just read through that so I understand what I will need to do be more romantic for my future relationship whether it be with my W or someone else. I do some those things on occasion, but I know there are far more things out there that I can do to create a romantic relationship.

There were times when I didn't, but like I have mentioned, it was hard for me while going through the whole porn thing and feeling ashamed about it to the point where I just couldn't do it when she wanted it. Don't get me wrong, throughout my marriage I have loved my wife with all my heart and this was the the biggest hindrance in giving my all sexually. I do desire my wife and still do, that is why I am here to get help along with things I have been doing to get myself in a better position in the M.

I am going to a Therapist for all the issues I am having with the whole situation including the porn addiction and it has helped A LOT. I feel a lot better about myself and more confident about changes that I continue to make for myself.

MrBond as critical as you have been, I am grateful for your suggestions and opinions. I am looking within myself to make the changes to make my future relationship much more fulfilling.


Me:31 W:28
No Kids
T:14 M:8
BD:09/24/14
Separation 09/25/14
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Good for you.

And just FYI, women like to be told they are loved OFTEN and not when it's just a special occasion. How else have you changed for the better?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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I've recently started meditation to help me feel better and happier. I realized that I have been really insensitive throughout the relationship because of my negativity and just plain immaturity in handling issues, so meditation is helping with that.

Been getting out and trying to make new friends through meetups and social events to GAL.

My W loves playing the piano and I was thinking about taking up piano lessons for myself since I've always wanted to learn and so I could encourage her hobby a little bit.

Today I got a text from my W saying she wanted to get together and talk. Its making me a little nervous because I just don't have a good feeling about what we might talk about. This is my negative feelings taking over and I know I should think of this as a small step forward that she is even reaching out to me to want to talk.

I'm going to work on my PMA and that I should expect nothing. I need to calm down and read sandi's rules again so I don't do anything that would set me back.


Me:31 W:28
No Kids
T:14 M:8
BD:09/24/14
Separation 09/25/14
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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"I realized that I have been really insensitive throughout the relationship because of my negativity and just plain immaturity in handling issues, so meditation is helping with that."

And what ACTIONS are you doing to show that new and improved attitude?

"Been getting out and trying to make new friends through meetups and social events to GAL."

Good.

"My W loves playing the piano and I was thinking about taking up piano lessons for myself since I've always wanted to learn and so I could encourage her hobby a little bit."

Okay, but make sure this is more for you than her.

"Today I got a text from my W saying she wanted to get together and talk. Its making me a little nervous because I just don't have a good feeling about what we might talk about. This is my negative feelings taking over and I know I should think of this as a small step forward that she is even reaching out to me to want to talk."

Be prepared if it goes in a negative direction.

Good luck.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Oct 2014
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Just got back from meeting my W for dinner. I think it went very well. I was able to keep the meeting positive and let her bring up R talks. Started talking about how our weekend was and how work is going. I do feel I talked a little to much about my weekend but she seemed to be happy that I was getting out and making friends and reaching out to my existing friends. We joked a bit, I love seeing her laugh and be happy. Kept good eye contact throughout to show her I was listening. Overall, we genuinely enjoyed each others company which helped keep the positive vibes.

We talked a little bit about separation logistics, the main one tonight was splitting up our phone plan. She wants to be on her own plan. She is the main account holder on it now. I told her I would rather not split it up until we were sure of the D. I also explained to her since we were grandfathered into an unlimited data plan, that I wanted to wait. She then told me in a rather firm tone, that we are splitting up and we need to eventually do it and she wanted to get a new phone. She didn't want to commit to another 2-year contract with me on the account so I suggested we go see someone at the carrier store to discuss how we could split up the account while keeping our existing data plans. That diffused the tension a little bit.

We then started talking logistics of the separation. Talked about things we need to split up financially, mostly in brief so we know whats out there, if it gets to that point. The biggest thing being our house. With winter coming soon, I told her it will take longer to sell the home so we would need to be prepared for that. Once the house is sold, the splitting of other finances will be a breeze since most of our CCs are in our own individual names and we wouldn't be putting a significant amount of our income toward the mortgage anymore. It was short but I validated everything she said.

She started to bring up R stuff and started talking about what may have went wrong and things we both might have done to contribute to the breakdown of the M. We both understood that we both are avoiders and that we did not communicate our issues very well which contributed to things getting brushed under the rug and eventually resurfacing and causing resentment. She started crying a little bit and I told her I was sorry that we couldn't work things out a little better. She told me that if we had communicated better, we wouldn't have ended up where we are now. I agreed and told her that we probably would be in a better place had we known good communication habits.

At the end of the night, on the way home, we were both fairly quiet. Talked a little more about work. Then we got to our house and I went to say goodbye to our cats and afterwards we had a nice hug, I said have a good night, then was on my way back to my moms house. All in all, it was a good meeting. I was prepared had it gone negative but luckily it did not go that way.


Me:31 W:28
No Kids
T:14 M:8
BD:09/24/14
Separation 09/25/14
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Hang in there, your situation is still fresh. It seems at this point most WAS are convinced that they will D, they need to justify their actions.

Remember to keep that road back smooth and easy to travel down.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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