Need help. Scared, confused pt 3

[jim0987]

Jefe. Sounds like your making good progress and that looks like some excellent guidance from Hope.

Forgive my ignorance but 12 step program? What is it and how does it apply?

[Hope414]

Hi Jefe, I’m proud of you for addressing the tattoo issue so promptly. But please keep in mind there is more to this process than removing the tattoo.

Please focus about why the tattoo is important.

You said, “My wife has never mentioned it again since before we were married. She has mentioned plenty of other things.”

The reason this sentence is significant is because your first sentence says you did not provide a safe environment for your wife to discuss issues of emotional importance. Your second sentence says your wife made other complaints--which I assume had lessor emotionally components. You don’t elaborate but my guess is these things were probably minimized, argued, or ignored.

Removing the tattoo doesn’t have significance unless you also explain you are doing this because you finally understand that ignoring her feelings was wrong. And you are removing the tattoo because it matters to her and because it matter to you.

Because you recognize that you are no longer married to your ex-wife--You are married to your current wife. And you do not want to wear a symbol of love and fidelity to your ex-wife.

And…yes…this gesture is too little too late.

And…yes…this gesture should have been done before you were ever married.

And…yes…you can understand the deep pain you caused by not doing this. If she had done this to you it would have drove a deep wedge into your marriage.

And you ask forgiveness for your insensitivity to her feelings. You are taking steps to remove the wedding band now. Maybe later you both could discuss tattooing rings on your hands (you aren’t permitted to give your ex-wife something and not extend the same offer to your current wife).

But the point of removing the tattoo is not to remove the tattoo and suddenly the problem resolves.

The point of removing the tattoo is to recognize a hurt you caused and then ignored. The tattoo is only one of a hundred things that went wrong in your marriage. But it was so glaring it was easy to immediately focus on.

Most difficulties in marriage occur when words and actions stop lining up. Then, when we finally do something to line up our words and actions, we expect our spouse to reward us.

For example, you have been saying “I love you” to your wife while keeping your ex-wife wedding band tattooed on your finger. Your words and actions have not lined up during your entire marriage.

So when you finally remove the tattoo you should expect your wife’s reaction to be indifferent or angry instead of excited. But as time moves on and she realizes more of your actions are lining up with your words…she will trust your words.

To respond to Jim0987, the 12-Steps is a program addicts use when making amends to themselves and others as they come out of the fog of addiction.

I asked Jefe to use this with his wife because of issues in the first part of his marriage. I believe Jefe should work the Steps because he probably engaged in addict behavior during this time and wasn’t aware of it. Working the steps will help him get focus.

I do not recommend using the 12-Steps as a standard practice in marriage counseling.

Each marriage is unique and therefore marriage counseling should be individualized toward the couple.

[jim0987]

Thanks Hope

Jefe, it looks like you are getting some top quality advice.

[Jefe]

Good afternoon, Hope.

Let me start off by saying you and my grand-sponsor both are freaking relentless. Thank God for that too.

"The reason this sentence is significant is because your first sentence says you did not provide a safe environment for your wife to discuss issues of emotional importance. Your second sentence says your wife made other complaints--which I assume had lessor emotionally components. You don’t elaborate but my guess is these things were probably minimized, argued, or ignored."

My grand-sponsor and I identified this fact that I have not been providing a safe haven for my wife to discuss things and feel safe, last month. It has been a huge issue that has compounded itself over time. I definitely have shame and guilt about this. And yes, plenty of other concerns have been brushed off and minimized. My wife has such a diametrically opposite personality to that of my ex. She placed such high demands on things to better me and to better us, because she absolutely did care. In return I acted like a child and and addict. So I have a ton of work cut out for me in the moral inventory and amends department.

As for the tattoo removal, I know it's too late. I know I should have, and I have zero expectations about her reaction to it other than I think there will be some anger. Especially when the discussion turns to why I chose to do it now, finally.

My wife attends Al-anon regularly and has a sponsor and I just left an NA meeting 20 minutes ago so this will be something she can identify and relate to.

[Jefe]

Jim, I truly believe I am too. Here are the steps if you are interested: Twelve Steps

[Shakspr]

Jefe, just wanted to let you know I'm checking your thread, too. Don't have much to add to the good advice you certainly seem to be getting.

It wasn't an ex's wedding band - but I did a similar bonehead thing. W wore same perfume and body powder as my first fiancee' (who I didn't marry.) It's expensive, and she just bought a brand new set when we were dating. When it ran out 1 1/2 years later, she said that she was going to buy some new.

I said, please don't. And told her why.

She exploded. She said "I've been wearing this every other day or so for over a year, and it reminds you of your ex - the one you chose over me in high school?" I said, well, you love it, and I didn't think it was a big deal...

Yeah, they (WAGs) take this emotionally connected object stuff pretty seriously.

[Jefe]

So, W stopped by after work (8pm) to see the girls for a minute. I thinks I just picked up on something. Its us together as a family or being in the marital home that seems to agitate her the most. He didn't stay longer than 5 or 10 minutes tops. It always makes D5 very sad afterwards. This is the part that drives me up the wall.

For me I hate the weekends too. Wondering where she is, what shes doing. I seriously think this new job of her's is going to make her way too tired to do anything, though.

Re-focusing on myself.

While she was here we were talking about money and I found some of my old behavior creeping in and I got a little snippy. I quickly caught it and apologized. Made me feel good.

[Jefe]

More pointless blogging.
Ugh. No sleep has become my best friend and then when I finally do get some sleep, the dreams. I went to bed at 9:30 last night and my body feels like I stayed up till 3. Head just full to the brim with worry, fear, concern, mourning, and pain. Then there's the shame, the regret, guilt, sorrow. Then I reread things like that last sentence and think, oh how melodramatic. Get a grip dude.

Going back to bed for 2 more hours of blissful nightmares.

[Jefe]

There are days like today where I replay the night I found the texts over and over again in my head. I start feeling sorry for myself. Then I think about all the crap I've done to my wife over the years. I wonder what she plays over and over again in her head. I wish I could magically take it all away.

[Wet]

Hi Jefe, stay off of the "what is she thinking" mindset. It doesn't help. How about thinking more about your daughters?

I also wanted to mention how much you have helped many of us by being on the board. Your faith and encouragement that you provide to us is a wonderful thing. Thank you for being here. I hope (and pray) that you have a better rest of the day.