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Jefe

You are doing well ... your focus is on what you need to do, you are being the responsible rock that your 2 girls need .. thats all you can do. I think you handled the TM very well ... atleast your W did apologize after the fact.

I know my W has the Spew Geyser on lock down .. but once it starts to go ... man get out the coat and get ready for the rain. And like the 2 fellas above mentioned .... as you are in the storm, find inner peace and try to listen to her crying out from that fog ... the things she will blast you out ... there are some truths in there as to why she is hurting and it is in fact valuable information.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Thanks, CG.

I will continue to Journal and post the communication back and forth. I seem to get more clarity that way and you guys have been a wealth of information since I started doing this.

Thank you all.

Text log 11/21/14 AM
6:42AM

W: They need breakfast every morning
W: Bring those clothes too

M: Yes I know on both accounts
M: Good luck today (She starts training for her new job today)
W: Ty
W: I miss my girls
W: Everyday
I wanted to respond WE miss you too but I chose to not respond at all.

She texted and called later about a birthday party Sat for the kids to go to and wanted to know how much money she could pull for some necessities.
I'm glad it appears that I am handling this well, cause it sure doesn't feel like it.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Jefe

Perfectly handled, you only responded that you are in fact aware and dealing with your children's needs ... and did not offer comfort to WAW when she expresses what looks like mommy guilt that is creeping in. ..... The WE statement would have been a pursuit a bit IMHO


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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I felt that it was pursuit too. That's why I dropped it, and I certainly wasn't going to giver her the benefit of 'They do too" Screw that, get your a$$ home then.

Besides, I'm not going to engage in that string either. This is her bed and her choices, she needs to sort that out. Not my circus, Not my monkeys.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Posts: 1,104
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The full weight of the "Dating" comment is starting to push down on my head.
Leaving the house in a few to go be around other human beings for awhile.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
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Hi Jefe,

Sorry I’ve been absent. I’m back on duty at the hospital. 12 hours on and 12 hours off. When I’m off---I’m usually sleeping.

To answer your question—I don’t speak to the people on this forum because I don't want to commit to helping them. Yours is an interesting case. I honestly believe your relationship can be salvaged

My primary goal with you is to get you and your wife to a place where I can hand you off to a marriage counselor. Since it doesn’t appear you have EAP or insurance available I would like to see you both in pastoral counseling. It is free through your church.

I think you have been receiving very good advice since the weekend. My only caution is stay aware of well-meaning friends and family and the biased shoulder—even on this forum. People only hear your side of the story and are (understandably) on your side. This means the advice will always skew to your favor.

Regarding the recent behavior of your wife: I think she shows promise. But there is a difference between detaching and ignoring. Please be sure you know the difference when dealing with her.

If your wife is reaching out and you do not mirror her gestures she will stop reaching out.

Believe it or not, you missed several opportunities to connect with your wife.

When she said she was ready for the truck to be fixed so you could concentrate on “our” girls at the house you should have given a genuine reply about the difficulty of being a single parent.

“I can’t wait for it to be done either. I miss spending quality time with them.”

Detaching doesn’t mean you exclude your wife from all your emotions. It doesn’t mean your wife isn’t permitted to have a window into your life anymore. It means you must keep a lid on your emotions when reacting to her.

If you would have responded with a genuine non-argumentative open ended comment about parenting you might have been able to take the conversation into a different direction. Talking about the girls brings you both together as parents. Discussing your shared desire to be good parents is a bonding experience.

Another missed opportunity came when she said “I miss my girls…everyday.”

You SHOULD have replied, “They miss you.”

This was the right thing to say. You didn’t have to say, “We miss you.” But you should have said, “They miss you.”

A parent needs to know they are missed by their children. This reminds them that children don’t “move on.” That children don’t “get better with time.”

By denying her this information you denied your daughters the right to let their mom know she was missed and you denied your wife the right to know she was missed. No one benefited from the withholding of information.


My advice is to send a text saying the following:

“Yesterday when you sent a text saying you missed the girls…I should have replied that they miss you….They do miss you. They miss you terribly. I should have told you this yesterday. And it was mean of me not to say this. I’m sorry.”

I know this is a hard thing to write but it tells her something pleasant: She is loved and valued and missed by her children. A mother wants to know this.

It acknowledges that you did something mean. But--more important--She didn't have to tell you. You figured it out on your own and came back and apologized.

This will go a long way to heal your relationship.

You made a comment “Not my circus, not my monkey.”

Yes. Like it or not. It is your circus. And it is your monkeys. You can join another circus with different monkeys but you will still have her in your life forever because she is the mother of your children.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
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Quote:
To answer your question—I don’t speak to the people on this forum because I don't want to commit to helping them. Yours is an interesting case. I honestly believe your relationship can be salvaged

My primary goal with you is to get you and your wife to a place where I can hand you off to a marriage counselor. Since it doesn’t appear you have EAP or insurance available I would like to see you both in pastoral counseling. It is free through your church.


I feel very special, thank you.
One of our pastors has certainly offered counseling. Our church is huge and we have a full staff of licensed practitioners at the main campus and the pastor has offered to send us there is we desire free of charge. So I appreciate that. I'm glad you think we have hope, too.
Quote:
My advice is to send a text saying the following:

“Yesterday when you sent a text saying you missed the girls…I should have replied that they miss you….They do miss you. They miss you terribly. I should have told you this yesterday. And it was mean of me not to say this. I’m sorry.”

I will take care of that this evening. Lately she has been texting when she leaves the pool halls. That's in about an hour and a half and if she doesn't reach out, I will anyway. I am seeing exactly what you mean. I will just have to listen carefully and read the situation instead of reacting. Done.

Quote:
I think you have been receiving very good advice since the weekend. My only caution is stay aware of well-meaning friends and family and the biased shoulder—even on this forum. People only hear your side of the story and are (understandably) on your side. This means the advice will always skew to your favor.

I have been exceptionally careful at the information I have given out regarding my wife and to whom. It's nobody's business, really, and it just makes things that much worse when you trash talk, then you reconcile. Most people know we are separated these days, they just don't have the facts. And they don't need them, either.
Quote:
Yes. Like it or not. It is your circus. And it is your monkeys. You can join another circus with different monkeys but you will still have her in your life forever because she is the mother of your children.
You are very correct. I have no intentions of joining another circus and I love my monkeys, so I think I'll keep them.

You left me hanging the other day on your observations with her acts of service. I went back and I think I found what you are talking about. I also thought back over the years and I never really noticed it, but yes she does. You were going somewhere with that. What's your read on it?


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
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I have a strong feeling you probably need to use all 5 love languages on your wife for a while.

However, if she keeps using Acts of Services as her love language after she emotionally harms you---mirror it back.

She subconsciously expressed this is the love language she associates with penance.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Originally Posted By: Hope414
I have a strong feeling you probably need to use all 5 love languages on your wife for a while.

However, if she keeps using Acts of Services as her love language after she emotionally harms you---mirror it back.

She subconsciously expressed this is the love language she associates with penance.

That's where I thought you were going.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Jefe Offline OP
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Look at my rude self,

Quote:
Sorry I’ve been absent. I’m back on duty at the hospital. 12 hours on and 12 hours off. When I’m off---I’m usually sleeping.


Glad you're back. I was getting worried. Those are brutal shifts. Thank you for taking the time out to deal with my situation. It means alot.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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