Need help. Scared, confused pt 2

[Jefe]

But, what I want to know is…was your first thought “She did that because she can’t afford to file?”

Because your first thought should have been, “Hey…I didn’t even realize that she was asking me to carry out her threats!”

The reason your first thought to this is important is because it will provide insight into the dynamics of your relationship.

My initial response to the "divorce" statement was that it was just another idle threat meant to wound me for the moment.

I’m also intrigue by the way both of you behaved today at church and after. It provided more insight into your relationship.

Both of you completely avoid the mention of the text argument from last night. She doesn’t acknowledge her wounding words and even displays an incredible lack of empathy for your feelings (You sure are grouchy). To which you state “Yup.” To which she responds with Acts of Service.

This isn’t the first time she has done this. Are you aware that after she engages in inappropriate behavior she engages in in Acts of Service?

I avoided mentioning it on the advice of my sponsor and grand-sponsor whom I both go to church with.

I need more clarification on the acts of service behavior you are seeing. It is definitely her primary love language. Words of affirmation and quality time vie for second place.

Wait, I think I see it today. She went shopping for us. and spent alot of time trying to be engaged with the fam today in a weird distant sort of way. Even left her phone in the car so no distractions.

[Jefe]

I gotta tell ya, she was scanning the crowd looking for me between services and I was trying to not be seen and she found me anyway. Then I was talking to my sponsors and she maintained a less than 25 yard distance the entire time. I tried to slip away and grab a drink from the machine and when I headed back, there she was coming the other way down the hall wanting to engage me in conversation but I kept it short saying I was late for service.

After service is when she really cornered me and wanted to talk about what I was going to do today, made the grouchy comment etc. While we were talking, Brooke, a friend (an extremely attractive friend) from one of the outreach groups walked up and gave me a hug then turned and introduced herself to my wife, then walked away. The wife said, who was that?
Priceless.
She went to the grocery store for us, got some much needed pet supplies, took care of the dogs and animals when she got here. Cleaned up a little, to which I said she didn't have to. Like I said, leaving her mark on the house. Tossed in a load of household laundry, mind bending.

Later she came back to the house to drop off her laundry and came back yet again to pick it up.

And there's our dynamic. Crazy.

Wait, more text messages, just checking up on us. Seeing how everything is going. I just don't get it.

[Hope414]

Two questions:

(1) What is holding you both back from pastoral marriage counseling?

(2) Are you DB'ing on your own with a counselor?

[Jefe]

(1) Well, the obvious, she is refusing any counseling. I'm ready and more than willing.

(2) DBing on my own. Can't really afford to do the sessions at the moment. On top of the family stress going on, I'm supporting 2 households and we've had a ton of vehicular drama lately that's cost us a small fortune.

Hope, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for your insight and dedication to my particular situation. You don't seem overly active on other threads and I am unsure why you chose to focus on mine, but I greatly appreciate it. Your observations are uncanny.

[Jefe]

Just more journaling.

Wait, more text messages, just checking up on us. Seeing how everything is going. I just don't get it.

Text transcript:
8:06 PM
W: Are the girls in bed?
M: Not yet, why?
W: Just wondering how its going. I want them to get enough sleep.
M: I understand, I take pretty good care of them
W: I know

8:45 PM
She calls.
W: What are yall doing?
M: Coming home from the store.
W: Oh. Well, I was just checking in to see how they were doing.
M: Is that all you needed?
W: Yeah.
M: Sure?
W: Yes.
M: OK
W: OK, good night.
M: Night

Again this morning,
8:22 AM - phone call
W: Good morning!
Long pause, then just asking how everything went this morning and talked about some school stuff, etc.

I'm so confused.

[Jefe]

Do not mistake hopeless language for reconciliation language. Hopeless language indicates depression and a lot of WAS divorce under the mistaken belief that a divorce will stop their depression. If she used hopeless language she needs to be comforted. She needs to know this situation is not forever. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hope,
I want to touch on this for a minute and possibly shed some more light on this particular point.

I think my wife clearly knows she screwed up in regards to the interaction with OM1 I found on her phone. I think in her mind there is no way she can face this. She feels like I will never forgive her for it (I already have), she feels like I will never let her forget it (will need God's help here) and she thinks that the interaction between D7 and OM1 will be changed forever (She's correct it has and will regardless of the marital status) and IMO mistakenly believes that divorce solves these issues. and removes my "control" of the situation and gives her total control.

Just a thought and the relevance is negotiable. I can say this, the incident and how we deal/dealt with it has everything to do with our separation and future reconciliation.