...NMMNG...its worryingly accurate description of me...
...that my actions were making my W feel bad about herself and her life - and after a while you just don't want to be around that.
I think you are doing really well and making great strides. Sorry if I over-reacted about your D3.
Now you need to start making some measurable plans for yourself and start holding yourself responsible for meeting your new goals toward becoming a better you.
Good luck. Also you might want to think about the holiday season that is coming up as it will be really hard on everyone. There is something about holidays and the "illusion of traditional family" that just stresses the hell out of most people. You might want to figure out how you can pro-actively deal with it in a way that gives you and your children the most positive experience possible.
Holiday plans are one of those rare exceptions where you can deviate from detatching. You can say, hey I am planning on having Christmas on Christmas eve, because that is how my famly celibrated it and I want my children with me to open presents under a tree after dinner. Do you want me to bring them anywhere on Christmas or do you want me to clear out and go to church for a few hours on Christmas day so you can be with them alone in the morning?
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Shes taking the kids to her family for Christmas so I won't see them til boxing day. Having a while second Christmas a couple of days later. I had to do split Christmases and its the last thing I ever wanted for my kids.
Another night of not really sleeping. Again woke up with the most incredible feeling of emptiness. Why the hell couldn't I just listen to her and see what was happening.
I know there is hope for me but I really can't see any for my M, and unless I can detach I can feel it just dragging me down further.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
OK so that post was more wallowing but that's 95% of how I feel at the moment.
I've previously listed some changes I need to make in myself but I think I need to make them more specific and measurable (SMART)
I'd welcome any suggestions on how I can help my W feel better about herself when she is around me. Its difficult as she doesn't want to engage me with any emotions other than anger, resentment and bitterness. That and she is feeling good about her own GAL.
She's doing things that I always wanted her to do (apart from OM and dating obviously) so that just rubs but I know I need to detach and just be happy she is happy
To be honest right now I feel like a man only a fool would stay with and with the self improvement she is on I can't see any reason for reconciling to even cross her mind.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I know there is hope for me but I really can't see any for my M, and unless I can detach I can feel it just dragging me down further.
I get to feeling the same way sometimes too jim.. I have realised I need to detach more too (just when I thought I was on the right path).. It will come in time, and you seem less in to your journey than me by your timeline, and have also dealt with worse..
It will come, just keep your head up and keep trying!!..
Me:35 W:31 S6 + S9 T: 10 years M: 7 years BD: 7/2014 S: 8/2014 W has new BF: 12/2014 Still fighting the good fight!!..
jim0987 - Thanks a lot for sharing your story here. You seem to be very honest about the whole thing and it's an inspiration.
The kind of people who come to these forums are just like you, full of guilt for not realizing sooner that their behavior was driving away the love of their life. That's often why they left us and why we want them back. I know it applies to me. After about six weeks of intense reflection, though, I'm starting to see that it was not all my responsibility. For instance, friends explained to me how their W would ask them precisely what behavior to adopt to fix something, something my W never did. I always had to guess and then I'd feel guilty for not guessing right since after all she had told me she was hurt by my behavior. The fact that she left abruptly, without going into counseling or even threatening separation, is another fault of hers, especially as we have a responsibility to our two kids.
I guess what I'm saying is that it's normal to feel very guilty in the beginning. There's a lot to learn from that and you seem to be making the most by reading about it and writing here. Perhaps you should also have your own document where you would list your mistakes and your changes. I know I do. I don't want to forget and I know from experience that the memory will fade as I get better. But I so don't want to go back there that I write it all down. In the midst of this self-assessment, you'll likely start to assess your wife too. As blameless as she seems now, it's very possible that over time, thanks to some new perspectives, you'll start to realize what she did wrong. You might not be there, but it might be a little comfort to know that's down the road. Or perhaps not, if you're like me: blaming yourself is another way of ensuring that you have control over the breakup since it means you have the power to make things better.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
....I've previously listed some changes I need to make in myself but I think I need to make them more specific and measurable (SMART)
I'd welcome any suggestions on how I can help my W feel better about herself when she is around me.
....She's doing things that I always wanted her to do
Giving yourself measurable GAL goals is important. Make it happen. Good for you!
As to what you should do to make her feel better about herself, you can treat her with mature respect and as a partner in the raising of your children. If you find yourself too upset at something just shake your head and tell her that you are too emotional to talk about an item and will need to get back to her the next day about a specific subject.
Your job isn't to make her feel good about herself, you job is to change yourself into someone she is fascinated with and wants to be around.
You said you Read NMMNG. What is a covert contract? It is you trying to figure out something to do for your woman so that she will "give you the love you need." Your question was what can you do (your offering in that covert contract?) to make her feel better about herself. Was your goal in asking that question to try to win her back? If so you need to re-read NMMNG. What you need to become is a magnet that attracts her, not do things for her. You want to be such a good father, great looking guy, a leader that she wants to follow, an interesting person to talk to so much so that it forces her to do things for you, so that you will pay attension to her.
If you must complement her on her GAL and the things she is doing. Tell her that she has inspired you to really do some serious introspection. And that you have really thrown your heart into making some changes. Then you can tell her about some of YOUR GAL accomplishments. GAL will help you detatch and feel better about yourself and feel more in control of YOUR LIFE. You cannot control your W or force her to do anything, only she can do that. You can inspire her and become a leader she will want to follow, but that is different and under her control.
Focusing on the proper raising of the children you share with her is a way to gain her respect and potentially establish leadership that she wants to follow.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I definitely do that covert contract thing even now when I thought I was making progress. I know I didn't make her feel good being around me but her self esteem is her issue just like mine is my issue.
There are plenty of ways that i could find fault in my W and I do wonder if the guilt is another attempt at control and a reflection of my Avoidant NG tendencies. But I think the point is not that I should blame myself but I should understand what I did wrong so I can change it.
What NMMNG has put in black or white for me is that I dropped into a subservient role and didnt have boundaries in order to avoid direct conflict but my resentment grew and I sulked, my W lost respect for me as a result and a negative cycle continued.
Its been said loads all over the shop about not having expectations well that's what the covert contract stuff is for me. My expectations - I can do a lot of the same things but I need to know I'm doing it because it makes me feel good not because I expect anything in return. If i make a covert contract it needs to be with karma rather than a specific person, in that a good deed or act of kindness in itself should be reward enough.
When my W and I met I was her boss, now she regularly hears me tell the kids 'mummy is in charge' - I think I need to reassert my leadership role and set some boundaries.
I think I will reread NMMNG a few times and I suspect its something I should never let get too far from me.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
So spent today with the kids and my W. It was actually a really nice day. Tried to be upbeat and did my own thing to enjoy the time with my kids. kids made us both laugh which was good so it was quite a happy day all things considered
W body language was all closed off and I made a concious effort to open mine. Not sure if it was the right thing but I want to try and be more confident and assertive and I figure open body language will help.
Not sure if I made a mistake as when the kids were in bed I said to her 'I had a really nice day. Thank you' she disappeared into her room for the evening
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
The longing was back with a vengeance this morning. I tried to act calm, relaxed and confident and it was all very polite and courteous but I can't imagine that I did that good a job.
I've spent the whole night just remembering all the little quirks and strangeness that make my W so amazing. I really miss that and it makes me see just how far we drifted.
I don't know if she could ever love me again, somehow I have to rekindle the attraction to me but right now Im being reminded of just how much there is to love and how good the good times were. Probably not helpful with detaching.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
