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#2498598 10/20/14 04:03 AM
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lostluv Offline OP
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just realized my last thread was stopped......

old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...472#Post2498472


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2498599 10/20/14 04:21 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 207
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lostluv Offline OP
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just an update for journal.....

so today was a bit rough as it got later. I fell asleep and had a dream that felt SO real. Everything that was wrong or bad was great in a weird way.

dream will be followed by "-" and then real life:
1. my wife and I lived in a dumpy apartment - we have a nice house and I've always wanted nice house
2. we had crappy cars that barely got us from A to B - we have nice vehicles and I've always kept my vehicles up
3. we had a 2nd daughter - we tried for 1.5 yrs to conceive and couldn't have a second one even with fertility drugs
4. my parents were visiting (mom and dad) and they were happy - my father passed 6 yrs ago, my mom misses him and is lonely
5. we had a puppy that kept running in the road and I was worried about it - not usually a pet person and do not want another dog since my wife's 14 yr old dog was put down
6. my wife kissed me and told me she loved me - you obviously know my situation
7. I was friends with the x girlfriend that broke my heart years ago (haven't spoke to her in 14 yrs)
8. my birthday had passed and I completely forgot about it - I'm usually the first to mention my birthday
9. I had all kinds of male friends - I really don't have many friends

in my dream, no material things or other peoples approval / disapproval mattered....and I couldn't have been happier because I had my family and we all expressed love and nothing else mattered. i woke up and it took me a few minutes to realize it was a dream.....then reality hit again and it hurt. made me feel like such a fool!

why can I not accept that my wife is done? part of my still analyzes by thinking ....she hasn't mentioned moving out (either of us), she still wears her wedding ring....maybe she is reconsidering? I know it's foolish to think so but the slightest bit of hope helps.

I'm trying to hold on to the gift of time. Really trying to detach and do it LOVINGLY (very hard). I'm trying to be "still" as others have suggested. I'm trying to GAL. sometimes it seems like such a wast of time....it's extremely difficult to keep a PMA at times. I'm trying not to expose my issues to other people, but I need support and have openly talked to my sister quite a bit. I also let my mom know whats going on because she has been pretty concerned. I stressed to them that I do not want them to look poorly upon my wife and not to worry about me too much. I have not bad mouthed my wife to them or said bad things about her. I just needed someone to chat with. My sis lives several states away and my mom is about an hour away.

i'm trying to stay pumped up and keep a PMA about this weekend but I'm really concerned about my wife having an issue with me not coming home for a night. I also feel guilty about not being there for my daughter to put her to bed and see her get excited and say "good morning daddy!"


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2498610 10/20/14 06:24 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 207
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lostluv Offline OP
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i'm reading through success stories to build my PMA and I am copying and pasting it in my thread so other may be able to get a "fuzzy feeling" when they read it. (will be below)

i see in other threads that people respect you more if you use the lingo and abbreviations more and if you post in other peoples threads. it may sound dumb, but i'm not confident posting in too many other threads because I'm still grasping onto making myself DO the detaching. I don't think it would be right to tell people to do things if I can't even do them yet. frown

i'm struggling....


anyway, this success story makes me feel good yet at the same time makes me realize that it is inevitable that things are going to probably get much worse before they get better. the hardest part for me is acting "as if" things will NOT work out. I'm struggling with hope and don't want to give up....

"Dear Michele,

Well gang, it has been a long road. Not as long for me as some but the time frames for reconciliation are different for everyone. My wife asked me yesterday morning how much notice I would have to give if I were to move out of apartment. I said none because I know the property manager. Last night she called twice to talk and the second time she asked me to move back in. I said that I didnt have time to move in before the end of the month with work and all and that I would pay rent for November and slowly move home and we would spend as much time together as possible. She said that that sounds great. When she calls she always ends the conversation with a bye dear, bye honey, by sweetheart etc. This is so wonderful. For those of you who are new here my wife asked me to leave about 3 months ago. She said that it was over and that she wasn't in love with me and that we were never getting back together. I have been married for 7 years and together for 10 we have to girls ages 3 and 6. About a month into this I found Divorce Busting and stuck to the book. I had some back slides but I had to learn patience and I realized that time was on our side. My wife was cold and angry, could hardly look at me and when she did I didn't see my wife any more it was another person. She stopped wearing her wedding ring which meant so much to her when we got married. She refussed to go to councelling or even talk about us.
I was a mess. I cried, I couldn't concentrate at work, I lost 35 pounds, I couldn't sleep, I begged, reasoned with her and nothing worked. At the begining she said that she needed time and I didn't give it to her. I think if I had of done this I would have been back sooner. This is the hardest thing to do. I remember the doom and gloom feeling not talking to her, how I wanted to pick up the phone and just hear her voice, I thought about loosing her and the situation almost 24 hours a day. It is like a living hell. But I soon realized with Micheles book that I had to give her time and be her friend. I layed off the calls and she started to call me, I started to sound happy and in turn she started to sound happier. When she felt that I wasn't going to pressure her about the relationship she felt more at ease with me. Slowly things started to change. We spent a little time each week together with the kids with no pressure, no trying to hold her hand, no trying to kiss or hug her. In time she would give me a little hug, squeeze my hand when I left, and call me dear or honey on the phone.
We still have work to do on our relationship but I now know that things will work out.

At the beggining all I wanted her to do was throw me a bone, some hope, some light at the end of the tunnel but I will not happen untill you give them space and time and change your self. I became the person she fell in love with 10 years ago. I remember her saying to me 3 weeks ago that she liked the person I was becoming.
Hang in there everyone even though I know that it is hell. Stick to DB book, go out and have some fun, be around people even though you feel like going home and crying and doing nothing.
Your spouse is also having a very hard time with this wheather they show it or not. My wife acted as if this was nothing for her at the beggining and that really hurt me, she finally admitted the other day that it was killing her and she couldn't work either.
They will also say some very hurt full things to you, I dont love you any more, I dont know if I could ever be intimate with you again etc etc. Dont react to them, it is not them talking it is the demon of defense inside of them.
Keep the faith
Patience and strength
Lightman
Darcy"


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2498615 10/20/14 06:44 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 207
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lostluv Offline OP
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why am I having such a hard time using the abbreviations? I think it take me longer to figure out what abbreviation to use and push the shift key than it takes just to type the word out.


FYI...I am learning a lot of them, I just don't use them


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2498617 10/20/14 07:23 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 207
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lostluv Offline OP
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quick question that I would like some input on. Tonight my wife and daughter bought pumpkins for all three of us. it's going to be a busy week.
mon - wife has chyro appt. then aerobics
tue - i have karate
wed - wife has aerobics
thur - i have karate
fri - we are going to halloween party for daughter
sat - wife works, i will take D to gymnastics , then i'm off to beerfest

sunday -grocery shop, cook lunches for week, and get a nap before work


I really want to make sure that I am involved with carving pumpkins with my D. I will probably ask the wife when she plans on doing it. I don't want her to do it with my daughter while I'm at beerfest sat night. and i would rather not do it with just my D an me

should I :
1. offer to skip a night of karate for us to do it as a family
2. tell the wife I want to definitely be a part of it and would rather them NOT do it sat when I'm gone
3. suggest we do it early next week (same schedule, but no chyro so we could do it monday)
4. suggest we just do it sunday
5. suggest we do it wednesday before her aerobics


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2498618 10/20/14 07:29 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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What's most important to you? Let that guide your decision.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2498630 10/20/14 08:42 AM
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lostluv Offline OP
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thanks jim. I will express my concern to my wife and see what works for her and will see if we can work together to make a decision. I'm hope she respects me enough to not deliberately do it without me after i specifically ask not to


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2498644 10/20/14 10:38 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 207
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lostluv Offline OP
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Posts: 207
having major anxiety this morning at work....almost time to go home frown

I'm planning on doing some home improvement projects though to try to keep buys...but may end up sacrificing sleep


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2498654 10/20/14 11:22 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 207
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lostluv Offline OP
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Posts: 207
Feeling horrible! Yesterday I was putting laundry away and there was a card in my sock drawer that I had bought for my wife that I intended on giving her just before she brought up all the issues. It was a romantic card saying something about not always showing appreciation and love but I fall in love with you every day. Anyways, it's been tucked away because I felt the timing was not right. Yesterday I figured it's not a good idea period so I threw it in the garbage. This morning I noticed it was ripped up in the garbage.

Ugh.....obviously it upset the wife. Should I bring it up and tell her it was purchased prior and just didn't want to cause any pressure so I threw it out?

I feel so horrible!!!!!!!!!! I hurt her and I'm not even trying to communicate anything about the issues and trying to give space and time..

frown

Last edited by lostluv; 10/20/14 11:24 AM.

me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2498656 10/20/14 11:32 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Lost, you've got to be careful with any passive aggressive tendencies. If you din't want your wife to "accidentally find it" i think you would have done a better job of disposing it. I'm not saying you did it on purpose, I'm just saying be careful what information you are sending her non-verbally.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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