Maybell XVI

[Zimmy]

Me too, Claire. If anyone ever wants to vent, I would be willing to chat over the phone. It helps me to vent and to commiserate with others who have been through this.

[South74]

Could you imagine us all on a group Skype chat putting the world to rights lol.

We would all be validating each other and not butting in and listening it would be so funny .

[jim0987]

Its revisionist history - they've made a decision which has negative consequences and so subconsciously they have to believe they had no choice.

Its confirmation and simplification biases at play. Only pay attention to the bits that fit your preconceived ideas then simplify (sometimes becomes always or never).

On a side note I'd be interested to hear your take on the cross country moves. I'm the other side of that and feel like my W never tried to build a life here until she left me.

[labug]

Just a note of caution, people get banned or put back in the moderation corner for TOS infractions such as sharing personal info.

FYI

[labug]

Why did I need permission to do the wild and crazy things I have always wanted to do, to be playful? Thank you, Labug, if we ever meet IRL how can I show my appreciation?

Certainly!

I had to work on this aspect of life. A lot! I was from a family where fun (and never silly fun) only happened after the work was done. I tried to break that but it always resurfaced. We can have fun after... You name it, I could come up with a million excuses.
I recognized that I had trouble playing "with" the kids. I always felt there were more important things I "should" be doing.

Now I eat dessert first if I want. I play and worry about the work later, if at all. There's always more work, right? It never all gets done, right?

This weekend H and I were having lunch on the outdoor patio of a Mexican restaurant with a a married couple in their 60s playing great Mexican music which always makes me want to dance. There was a group of about 10 beautiful women, probably also in their 60s, there for lunch and having a good time. One of the ladies would do a few steps dance whenever she walked from place to place, visiting with her friends.

As we were leaving, I went up to leave a tip for the musicians and this lady and I crossed paths. We did a few dance steps together. We both laughed, the crowd applauded and we moved on, both with smiles on our faces. It changed my day.

I would never have done that 5 years ago.

Keep looking for opportunities to have more fun, especially silly fun.

[labug]

About H and his unhappiness over the last 10 years, we all tend to create stories that support our view of the world.

You can't change that for him but you can turn it around to notice where you're creating stories in support of your world view.

Take responsibility for that which is yours and leave the rest. We can't undo the past, we can only make tomorrow better.

You sound awesome ((( )))

[Maybell]

I've been doing pretty well for the last few days. This evening I read about accepting our feelings. It was really hard not to focus on H in reading that chapter because so much of the information about the bad effects of not accepting and understanding one's feelings was basically the script of what he said to me over that long, excruciating dumping process.

I read it and felt that we'd had very little emotional intimacy in our marriage. He turned around and exploded it all on OW, who was safe because it was primarily an electronic affair. And reading this chapter, I can see also fairly clearly how he would have developed these behaviors, because in his own way I'd say he has some codependency issues as well.

Now who is he sharing those things with? Will he ever see me as safe?

I miss him. I enjoyed those three evenings of talking. I regret that we're not close anymore. But I don't think I have a chance of changing it except by waiting it out and hope it's not too late. I miss him so much.

We have had really good communication about the kids lately. I'm hoping that matters. But it won't matter at all if he doesn't become willing to acknowledge his feelings and stop being so closed off. Is that possible? Can a person live in such isolation, no intimacy to speak of, entirely by choice?

My boys are in pain. S8 said specifically tonight that he doesn't want to talk about his dad because he doesn't like talking about when he's unhappy. I said that sometimes we have to let our unhappy feelings out to make room for the happy ones, and asked if he wanted to talk to the guidance counselor, or someone else who could help him. He said no. S6 is more open and so I worry less about him. S6 Facetimed H tonight, and S8 was sitting right next to him, texting my H... But refused to speak to him. Wants to spend a lot more time with him but won't say so to him, only to me. It's not really possible, and I think H doesn't realize it because S8 won't talk to him on the iPad, so H maybe thinks he's less important to them than he is. ???

I want my two older kids to go to counseling but I know H is skeptical and I don't know how to override their reserve so they can see it as helpful. I worry that if S8 and D11 don't learn to express their feelings better that they'll be in this pickle when they hit middle age.

Trying to turn H over to God and shepherd my kids to a better path...

[claire7]

Maybell,

I'm so sorry your kids are hurting. This is the trickiest water for me too--- Our WAH are loathe to admit that our kids may be hurting...because that means they'd have to admit wrongdoing. And, if we bring it up, it appears that we are being manipulative or something.

They'd have to put their own egos and pride and fear aside to admit that their children may be hurting because of their actions.

I wish I knew what to do about this kind of thing.

[Ahoy]

Claire, we're all here for you, even if we can't see you in person. You're not alone, and you're certainly not the only one going through this, as evidenced by this forum. ((hugs))

[Maybell]

There's something really wrong with my detachment today. My heart hurts. We've had to communicate so much about the kids the last few days and I just want to not have this problem.

On the other hand, I read 25's post to greymeadow, about people in her family who'd found such greater happiness in their second marriages, and I worry/fear/hope that might be true for me too. The separation is bad enough, I don't want to put my kids through a divorce. I don't want to go through a divorce either. I like my husband, I think he's interesting and funny. I have often learned from him. Now that we are having to co-parent more intentionally I feel like we've become better partners. And I miss the soft looks he used to give me, the way he'd put his hand on my hip.

This is why my detachment is no good...