If I said, "all this will be over in two years, two months, and ten days," what would you do differently than you're doing right now?
I'd buckle down on learning relationship skills, connecting, loving and giving, stop wishing H would have a change of heart, show him I'm already different, already what he wants, that he is the man I want not just because he's the father of our child. I'd be less anxious. Less worried. Feel more secure.
Hang in there some days I fell like my W will be home for good any day and then some days it feels like she will never come home. It really hurts on those days and I feel like giving up but I have to hang in there and so do you. Your family is more than worth it. Hang in there.
Someone on your thread, maybell, said something about negative sentiment override. That's precisely where H is. Everything that's wrong with our marriage is my fault. Every negative feeling he has ever had is my fault.
And the accusations come flying. It's a good thing D looks just like him otherwise I wouldn't be surprised if he accused me of getting pregnant by some other guy. That's kind of a joke but it's sort of indicative of his incredible negativity flinging.
I'm not trying to paint a picture that I was an angel but I'm certainly not as terrible as his memory provides and it's hard not to fight those inaccurate memories. He is notorious for being negative. All of our friends make fun of him for it and he is often referred to as a curmudgeon within his family. I used to laugh because if you asked him if he liked a restaurant, he couldn't say, "yes, I did", he'd say, "I didn't not like it". He just couldn't bring himself to speak positively about anything. And now I'm the recipient of his negative narrative providing him ample reason to get out and stay out of our marriage.
This "fog" of negativity is thick but even if it clears, there's a consistent underlying history of severe negativity there and I'm not sure he could ever see past that. Ever.
curmudgeon, chrysalis ... you're really expanding my vocabulary, Ss
Your just painted a clearer picture of your WAH than you have before, with just how negative his personality is. Yes, this will be a long journey for you, but I don't believe that that mentality of his is unfixable or unchangeable, given enough time. Maybe he needs a LOT of time on his own (1-2 years) to finally realize that his constant misery isn't everyone else's fault, that maybe there is something in him that needs to change. Look at what you've learned about yourself during this crisis. WAS can make the same type of strides in due time. But it will take them longer to even begin looking a themselves because of the fog. Who knows if he actually will become introspective like that, but don't doubt the possibility.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Maybell, I take the finality seriously because there's no indication it's not final. Or serious. Any indication I want to see is likely false or denial.
Someone says they practically despise you and want to leave the life you've made together, nothing tells me he's just saying that to get a rise out of me.
And, I do recognize my husband as a bit of a MLCer and typical WAS.
I'm realizing He only sees the things I didn't do and has used those things to firm my character in his head. He had thyroid cancer and I went to every appointment with him. I asked questions, did research, etc. what does he say? He didn't want me at those appointments and I never asked him how he was doing with it all. Actually, I did ask but it doesn't matter. Also when he would get down and "woe is me" when thyroid cancer is one of the only cancers you can be completely cured of, I would remind him if that, tell him to not let the word cancer scare him, it's not like the others, he's strong and resilient. I made the mistake of saying, "this is happening to me, too" which to me meant, "I'm scared and worried, too, but together we can get through this." He took it to mean that I was making his cancer about me. That's not what I was doing.
I don't always say or do the right things, I'll admit. I'm expected to be perfect and he walks away saying "I did the best I could" and that's supposed to be enough.
Where was he when I was going through PPD and dealing with a constantly crying, finicky baby? ? Oh, that's right. At work.
If I ever said that, all he'd hear is that I'm comparing my PPD to his cancer and how cold and heartless could I be?
Even comparing the two in my head is keeping score which I'm great at and trying to stop. The reality is, we BOTH treated each other like absolute chit. I want to fix it and he wants to relive it and carry around the anger of it like an effing badge of honor. Like a Purple Heart medal. Look what he's been through. Look how he's suffered. Any suffering he's caused me was because he can only handle so much but the suffering I've caused him means I'm a terrible person and unworthy of a marriage with him.
I'm saying it's not final because people change their minds. He may not realize he could, but we've heard many stories of how frequently people do. I'm saying, you are focusing on the bad and neglecting your own self.
But it sounds like that's where you need to be for the moment, so carry on.
I'm not saying that to be snarky. You've been so upbeat for so long that it was hard to believe you weren't in happy marriage a lot of the time. Now you're in anger. Go crazy, get it out.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
