Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

[gogofo]

So I had a second BD this past Wednesday night. I came home from hunting and the W seemed upset and tense. We started talking and she said she was done and wanted me to move out back to my house again. This was quite a shock, I knew we were in a backslide, but did not know it was this serious.

Two weeks prior I was asked to move in and we were planning on selling my house, our previous marital home. There were a couple of triggers going on, but this definitely is quite a turn from her asking me to move in, saying she thought we don't need MC, telling me how much I have changed, and that we can work through anything.

She basically rattled off a list of what she doesn't need me for and asked what do I have to offer her? Quite the question. I responded with fulfilling her life and giving her that same feeling she had when she asked me to move in. She just kind of shook her head and said she didn't know.

She is also still harboring a lot of anger towards me and is now upset and discrediting some of my new changes and actions.

So I went back basically to LRT except when she contacted me about bringing kids over tonight.

Brought kids out to her and asked if I could stay till bedtime, another 2 hours. Not going to lie, it wasn't just about the kids, wanted to be around her too.

Put kids down and the oldest asked me if I was sleeping there tonight, damn that hurts. The night before he asked me into his bedroom after I put him down and said that he didn't want me sleeping there, he wanted me and mommy to sleep together.

So I was hurt and wanted to tell the W about it. I wanted her to feel the pain because when we were talking about me moving out again she talks like it is the end and said that the kids don't even mind, they are excited to sleep back at my house. She talks as if us divorcing will not even affect them.

So understandably she was instantly upset and told me to leave. I was hurting and hung out for a couple minutes until she put her hands up and gave me the look. Man I totally f'ed up DBing right there, I knew better but my emotions were so raw. I know it is not our job to show the WAS their errors or to punish them.

Now I guess I should go totally dark. It would be a 180 in my actions as I always want to discuss things and hug or embrace when I get upset or stressed and have tough talks with the W.

Last BD I took most of the blame as I was not a good spouse. But now I think stress and external factors are pushing us apart and making her scared. I think she has some personal work to do.

I don't think it is that easy to go from feeling so secure in our relationship, being very sexual towards me, deferring a trip out of town to get a house ready to sell and then two weeks later feeling ready for a D. To me it seems that the stress and anxiety triggers we have this time of year are killing her. She said she was going to take care of herself for once, which was part of the same reason she used on BD 1. She also said she is sick of living in limbo. So she wrote her own future, this version without me when two weeks ago I was in that version.

So now I lay in bed kicking myself for bringing up our oldest's request for us to be together. I need to sharpen my DB skills as I may not have another chance to work this out.

[MrBond]

"There were a couple of triggers going on, but this definitely is quite a turn from her asking me to move in, saying she thought we don't need MC, telling me how much I have changed, and that we can work through anything. "

This was the issue. It took BOTH of you to get to this point. If she doesn't want to go to MC, then she will never understand that and always look to YOU as being the person with the keys to making her happy. It doesn't work that way. M is a give and take. Unfortunately she didn't learn that.

I would definitely NOT have said you were Piecing since she took no personal responsibility to making your M work. Sorry to hear that.

[gogofo]

This was the issue. It took BOTH of you to get to this point. If she doesn't want to go to MC, then she will never understand that and always look to YOU as being the person with the keys to making her happy. It doesn't work that way. M is a give and take. Unfortunately she didn't learn that.

I would definitely NOT have said you were Piecing since she took no personal responsibility to making your M work. Sorry to hear that.

Bond, thanks for your insight. I think we were piecing, or were at times. I could definitely tell when she was trying because things were good. The last trip we took on September 26th was amazing and she felt it too. She was trying and I have never stopped and it was evident.

Now she takes my changes and actions of caring as negative. She told me she loves flowers, multiple times when reconciling and so I have kept her in flowers ever 2 weeks. I come home with flowers and replace the old flowers with the new ones. I also showed consideration when she took trips, giving her a bag with road snacks and a bottle of wine for when she gets there.

Before I went hunting on the 12 I put together a new flower arrangement, went and bought food and snacks for her and the kids because she was getting in late on Sunday and would not be able to go to the store and I also wrote her a heart felt card. The card described how I deeply cared about her but did not always show it appropriately, how important she is to me, how I will miss her, how I looked forward to our date on Friday and how excited I was for her to spend time with her friends on Saturday. I opened my heart and tried a new communication technique to see how it would work.

On Friday when she was unloading my stuff at my house I asked to talk with her. She stated that the flowers were nice, but she already can do that for herself, the food was the same thing. She said it was no big deal and why should I be praised when it was something she had done previously in our relationship and it was taken for granted. Then she took the card and said she had to stop and think if I was one of the most important things in her life. Basically took my whole group of loving gestures and crapped on them until they were discredited and became negative.

Quite a shift from us planning on selling a house and moving together just two weeks previously.

It feels like she is trying hard to find reasons not for us to be together. I can tell the root of this is her pain from the past as she went back to our previous relationship problems and applied them to us now.

I would like us to understand each other and go to MC. When I mentioned it on Friday she said she "doesn't have the time for MC" which is pretty much the truth.

I am genuinely concerned about her stress and how she feels and I think I will write her an email reaching out to her. I will post it here for review and to get opinions on it.

Thanks for the help and insight

[gogofo]

Here is the email I am thinking of sending to the W. My intention is to apologize for what I did last night with our oldest wanting me to sleep at mommy's house, express that I agree with some of the decisions she has made and that I also see issues with us. My intention also is to hopefully get us talking about us and our issues, but on her timeline.

My fear is that this may push her to move closer to dissolving what is left of our relationship. Don't know if I have any basis to this fear or not.

Please let me know what you think about it.

Wife,

I was wrong for bringing up the kids comments about where I am sleeping. I was hurting from this and decided to deflect that pain off of myself. This was totally unfair and disrespectful to you. I need to deal with my own pain myself. I am the only one who can deal with my feelings and issues. I am deeply sorry for hurting you and expecting you to help me with this.

You are right and I agree with you that we need to be back in our respective homes and deal with our personal stresses. They are creating issues in our lives and making everything feel overwhelming and that there is no end in sight. We are both harboring personal stresses and they need dealt with. It is unfair for me to be at Quadrant and have you also share the stress and burden of the house at Emerald. I need to focus my attention on the situation at Emerald and get it taken care of. Splitting my time and attention between two houses is not improving the situation at any of them. As great as it felt moving in together, I agree that it was premature as there was internal housecleaning that needed to be done. I understand feeling the highs we feel as being the real us and feeling the lows we feel as being the real us. We are coming into a stressful part of the year with us having less and less time to accomplish the required tasks we have and also work on us becoming closer.

When we talked the other day we each talked about how much stress we were under. When you were at work on Sunday I was happy that since I had the kids you were able get all of your work and school finished. It helped me understand how having us living together would have you feel limited in you time and stressed. Your work took longer than initially anticipated and you needed extra time. When I put myself in your shoes I could see how if I was thinking about you at home with dinner and the kids I would feel like I was under another deadline that I do not need. I would have felt that you made your life and having dinner more important than me and my work and school life. This would make me feel like I was living under someone else’s schedule and I was not as important as the other person. It helped me understand how you feel about not having enough time and how having us living apart right now allows you to feel more free and in control of your time.

Last night I could still see you were stressed out and when we talked about the weeks to come I could see the stress in your body and how you talked about what you have scheduled. I am deeply concerned about all the stress you are under and the mental and physical toll it is taking on you. It was disheartening to hear you talk about not feeling much relief in your stress after getting your grading and school work done. I know you were exhausted and stressed about what is coming with your classes and work and Chicago trip. The language you used to talk about this was “I just have to get it done” and “I will get it done, I always will.” This is heart breaking to hear because this stress is affecting your personality and attitude and it really is concerning to me. I care about you and am concerned when you are feeling this way.

We are both carrying different types of stress and I feel we need to better understand what each of us in going through. If and or when you are ready, I would like us to talk with each other about this.

[gogofo]

I am thinking of sending the email and then going minimal contact until she decides that she would like to discuss us and how we feel.

[MrBond]

"I could definitely tell when she was trying because things were good."

Wrong. That's not trying. That's just sweeping things under the rug.

"The last trip we took on September 26th was amazing and she felt it too. She was trying and I have never stopped and it was evident."

Nope. Again, more rug sweeping. Just doing something fun together is just a band-aid to the problems underneath. It's avoiding the issue and doesn't work. Marriage problems are like a cancer. You can try to cover it up and pretend it isn't there. But it will grow and fester and come back ten times worse.

"Now she takes my changes and actions of caring as negative."

Yes because she didn't deal with this the first time.

"She told me she loves flowers, multiple times when reconciling and so I have kept her in flowers ever 2 weeks. I come home with flowers and replace the old flowers with the new ones."

Too much. See, you've made it all about YOU "making" her happy. No one should be responsible for another person's happiness.

"I also showed consideration when she took trips, giving her a bag with road snacks and a bottle of wine for when she gets there."

And what has SHE done for you?

"It feels like she is trying hard to find reasons not for us to be together."

No. You give her anything she wants and you reward bad behavior. She has no reason to change if she's going to keep reaping the benefits.

"I can tell the root of this is her pain from the past as she went back to our previous relationship problems and applied them to us now."

Issues from the past are understandable. But if you don't actually do something about it, the same problems will arise.

"I would like us to understand each other and go to MC. When I mentioned it on Friday she said she "doesn't have the time for MC" which is pretty much the truth."

You're actually making excuses for her. You MAKE the time. You went hunting. She does her own thing. You have the time. She just doesn't want to go.

[Card29]

I would like us to understand each other and go to MC. When I mentioned it on Friday she said she "doesn't have the time for MC" which is pretty much the truth.

I agree with everything MrBond said, although I do think you should try to fill her love bucket (only a flood of flowers and cards is probably not going to do it, though). But I feel like I should second his take on this specific point. You both have to make your M your #1 priority, behind safety and necessities of your children. If she literally has no time to work on your M, then her life is in absolute turmoil. I'm assuming she has somewhat normal responsibilities, though, in which case there IS time. Like Bond said, she doesn't want to.

[gogofo]

Nope. Again, more rug sweeping. Just doing something fun together is just a band-aid to the problems underneath. It's avoiding the issue and doesn't work. Marriage problems are like a cancer. You can try to cover it up and pretend it isn't there. But it will grow and fester and come back ten times worse.

Wow, never thought about it this way. I thought it was symbolic of her seeing us from here of forward. I thought she was seeing us as newly changed people. She even wrote that too me. But just like you said, whamo! Here are the problems back and bigger than ever.

We both must have done some rug sweeping because we both suggested and refused MC. Boy if only I knew. I would not have been so arrogant to think we were working through things.

When I refused I think it may have been the one time she made an honest effort at piecing. She brought up he PA during our S and wanted to tell me. Don't know if this was piecing or just her clearing her mind. We did have a good talk about it and since I had dealt with the possibility of these feelings I thought we didn't need MC to get through it. Our R felt strong at that point.

On different news, I am going to wait on sending the email.

I also have my first coaching session tonight at 10:00 and I am really excited.

[MrBond]

Definitely don't send her the message. That's YOUR thinking and you're still taking on all the blame for your R failing. More of the same which didn't work the first time.

[gogofo]

Thanks for the clear and direct response, it definitely helps.