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Hoju Offline OP
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Well I'm 3 months in, looking back and reevaluating my progress. It's incredible how much can happen in such a short amount of time. I felt now was a good time to start a new thread as my other one is getting full, here's the link for those who want to catch up;

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...675#Post2497675

None of the goals I set for myself during my first read through of DR were achieved, they were too ambitious. My 180s have been a great success and have lead me towards a more fulfilling life. GAL has been going great, I barely have any time to just sit around, I've also realized what amazing family and friends I have. Probably the most important change is dynamic of the conversations between W and I have totally changed, she is no longer fearful to talk to me and what little contact we do have is very pleasant. She has also stated several times about my 180 changes and how proud she is that I'm making them, I also know she has been positively talking about me to her family.

I was hoping to get some help from the forums on setting some proper goals. I would like to focus on rebuilding a connection but I'm not entirely sure where to start. Here's what I was thinking:

I would like to be able to take her on a date.
Text more often about more personal things.
Have her slow things down where the separation is concerned.

The problem is these aren't action goals, I don't know what I can do to achieve any of these? I've never been good at goal setting Please help.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
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Hoju Offline OP
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Anyone have advice on goal setting?

Today W's best friend posted a picture on facebook of W and OM at a hockey game. Nearly killed me to see them together, I've known deep inside but actually seeing it was an entirely different kind of heartbreak.

I bought W a small gift of candy (it was for a coworkers fund raiser) and left it at the house for her to pick up when she goes tonight. She just said "thank you that it's very nice", I didn't tell her where or why I got the candy just that it was for her. I'm just feeling so sidelined right now and waiting in limbo is probably the most painful thing anyone can inflict on themselves.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
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Hoju, how about setting a goal of not looking at W's best friend's FB posts? I'm totally not kidding, don't torture yourself that way.

How about a goal of stop giving her gifts? That's pursuing.

Neither of those is going to help you along your journey.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Hoju Offline OP
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The facebook thing just popped up in my news feed. I guess I could unfriend everyone but that seems a bit extreme. I think I'll be ok going forward it was just the initial shock of how real it is now.

I guess this is where I get confused with how to DB. Aren't you suppose to be the man only a fool would leave? Wouldn't that man buy you something just because? It's not like I bought her diamond earrings or trip to italy, it was just a small gesture and one of opportunity at that.

DB hasn't seemed to do anything for me thus far and I would say my M has a lower chance of success then it did 3 months ago when I started. How long am I suppose to play uninterested and moving on? I'm seeing good signs and baby steps but all the large true indicators are still pointing to D.

I can't be both attached and detached at the same time. If I truely want to detach I need to go all in and get out dating again. Although I'm pretty sure this goes against what would be recommended for DBing. This passive endless tredding of water while the tide keeps drifting me further and further from shore is just killing me. I need to start swimming, either to shore (W) or to a life boat (someone else).

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Hoju, you can unfollow someone on FB without unfriending them. They have no idea. It might be a tool you want to make use of with certain people. Your choice, of course.

Have you ever read this article on detachment:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

It doesn't mean you have to start dating someone else.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Hoju Offline OP
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I did not know you could unfollow on facebook, I've only recently started to use it while GAL to reconnect with old friends.

I read the detachment artical months ago, perhaps detaching is not really what I meant. I believe I've been detached from my W for years, I loved her for who she was and would try to build her up and encourage her beliefs and interests. I never tried to force or alter her to fit into my ideal image of who I thought she should be. I believe she was far too attached to me and when I didn't share that same deep all encompassing attachment she became unhappy and felt there was something wrong.

Perhaps I mean direction in life? Maybe it's the GAL portion I'm stuggling with. I do lots of things, have lots of friends, a solid family, good job, well educated and am financially stable. However, everything seems empty and rather pointless now. I'm putting all of my efforts for my future by trying to save my marriage, which has yet to bare any fruit. I feel like my entire life is in stasis and there is nothing more I can do about it, that doesn't involve giving up on my M.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
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It sounds like we are going through a lot of the same things. A few questions;

Although W is complimenting you on your changes (which are great, btw), does she value progress as much as you do? Since your time apart has she done or accomplished anything to move forward as a human being?

That can be a huge issue especially for young couples. Some of us really strive for success in work, formal education, and activities outside of work. Others define themselves differently. Either but what they are, what they were, or something so simple as their job. Yet, others are totally cool with how things are and aren't seeking change or progress. It is important to you to perform the 180's and improve yourself, if such improvement isn't important to her, then you'll keep treading water in life when you get back together.

Who do you like better, the guy you are after her or the guy you were with her? Maybe she will come back and things will eventually workout. On the other hand, although it kills to think about-maybe she wont. If you can unilaterally find your own fulfillment, why not just stick with that for now and leave her out of your goal setting process?


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
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Hoju Offline OP
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Thanks for the post Elltee,

I'm not sure what exactly you mean by progress or moving forward as a human? I suppose the answers would be no.

As for progress, if you mean life progress she was always the one pushing to move forward with life, get an apartment, get married, get a house, have a baby. I was always the one trying to slow things down, we wanted the same things in life I just wanted more time at each stop. Her life progress has completely stopped, she does have an OM but they will be years from a home/marriage/kids IF they even make it that far.

As for moving forward as a human being, I don't believe so. W has been in an unstable dead end job for quite some time, I've always encouraged her to look for work else where but she never did. After we first split she said she started looking for a new job, when I asked her about it a couple months later she said she had given up looking. Also, when we first split she said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do and that maybe she would go back to school. While we were together she had plans to take some classes in office administration while she was off on maternity leave. I assume this dream of going back to change career paths is gone as she wont have the money.

I always thought she wanted to be a mother and have a nice quiet family lifestyle. W never had anything to define herself, she was/is always defined by others. Which is why when she wrote off her best friend (family oriented) as a toxic relationship and shifted her new focus onto a new besty who was single she completely changed. Started dressing differently, listening to different music, even doing her hair like her new best friend. In many pictures they look like sisters. Now she isn't sure if she is ready for kids and a family, something she has spent everyday for the past 10 years dreaming about.

When we were together I stopped seeking personal progress, I was comfortable with who I was and my life the way it was. We were looking forward to adding a new member to the family, that was my progress, that was why I got up everyday. I love who I am now without her, I've taken on several new projects and am bettering myself in every way. The issue with leaving her out of my goal setting progress is my end goal in life is to have a family and kids, which means I either need to write her off completely and explore other options or hold onto hope that she may return.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
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Hoju Offline OP
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Posts: 149
I have a question about how to ask for something. During our separation talks W mentioned I would be able to have one of the cats. This was really hard for her as we both love them very much. I haven't pushed for the cat while the house was up for sale and we had staging furniture in the house. Now that everything has settled how do I go about asking for the cat?

I don't want to piss W off or hurt her by taking it away but I love them and have taken care of them since they were kittens.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
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Hoju Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
Well W is moving ahead with the seperation agreement today, I guess this truely marks the end. I thought maybe she was coming around but honestly as long as she has OM why would she? I've been dreading this for so long now, I just want to break down and cry, beg her to give us a chance, scream at her for disregarding our marriage vows. I feel so helpless knowing nothing I do matters to her.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
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