Your sentiments are so familiar. I am terrible at this sometimes too, particularly when he tells me that he really has decided to choose the OW and it feels so final - that's when I go into panic mode and try to argue and lose my cool. Even when I've told myself to not react in advance.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
It's contagious. You, me, Maybell...I'm sure there are others but I'm so self-absorbed the last couple of days I can't even focus on anyone but myself.
Hang in there. I have no other words right now besides, I totally get it. And I'm so sorry we are all in this sukky situation.
Yes, zimmy, panic mode is right. I've never been so panicky in my life.
Claire, I'm super self-centered too. And very H centric at the same time. This is not making me a very good mom. How can we get along so incredibly well yet he wants a divorce? We went out for dinner (not a date, he wanted me to clarify that), saw Gone Girl together and enjoyed a glass of wine after while talking about the film. Is that ANY indication if someone who, four days earlier, was adamantly saying he could never trust me and doesn't want to be married?
It's so confusing. We have so much fun together. We're very careful of each others' feelings, of communicating clearly, of shoeing appreciation... Why, if these are clear examples of new behavior that is flowing easily and freely, is he undyingly adamant about the end if our marriage.
I just can't wrap my head around this.
Maybell, I'm early in this journey yes. I just don't believe it gets easier or less painful later on. It doesn't, right? So what does it matter? I'm not trying to be rude. I'm really asking?
Just curious - in my case, assuming it really is over, what do you all think about trying to stay friends? Does that work for later or does that not allow them to miss you and/or just drag out the pain? I am really struggling to know how to play this out going forward. Do I try to stay friends, which would be very hard for me, or do I just try to completely let go and move on with my life and hope that someday he comes to some sort of epiphany down the road?
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
No, you're wrong. It really does, if you make the effort to make it so.
I don't want my H back any less than you want yours back. But I have a lot to process for myself and I found that I couldn't spend time enjoying his company without there being some blowback. So I need time till that's not true. I'm using that time to explore the validity of the disjointed pieces of information I have from him and to explore the things about myself that got me here and that's what's putting me in a better place at the moment.
You're experiencing the blowback that made me step back.
It really, truly gets better. It really does. But first: you have to NOT BELIEVE that he can accurately predict the future. What he's saying right now doesn't HAVE to be true just because he believes it is. Your opinion of what your future could be is just as valid as his is.
Second, you have to LOVE YOUR LIFE. Seriously, Labug couldn't have given me a better challenge than to find something wild and crazy to do. I'm making bucket lists and re-evaluating my excuses for why I put off the things I could be doing now. I'm saying yes to practically everything that comes my way that is healthy. I'm really trying to embrace the concept of beginner mind. I'm treating myself like all of this is just part of my adventure. Which it is. (Note that I recognize that I'm not going to feel this upbeat all the time... but for the most part, I have a GREAT LIFE and why would I waste on it one big pothole?)
Every day is just that one day. It doesn't define your life or predict your future. (Remember the movie Gravity?)
I've been reading Harry Potter to my boys and we're in the later books now, where Harry is really starting to fear the extent of his similarities to Voldemort, and wondering if he really is a good person. Everyone who guides him reminds him, no one is all good or all bad; we are what we make of ourselves, the sum total of our choices, big and small. The small ones are probably more important than the big ones. And Harry spends all of the books being, in turn, both the hero and scapegoat among his peers. One of the things he learns is not to take any of it too seriously, because the Wheel of Fortune is constantly turning.
Start by recommitting to being the great mom you've been up to now. DB that little girl to the hilt. Enjoy your time with her. She's taking this separation hit anyway, so provide her with as many awesome memories as you can. Include her in the bucket list ideas that are appropriate for her. Take pleasure in that.
IT GETS BETTER. And when it does, you will be a in a great spot with your H, because he's already in a place where he can watch your changes.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Wow, powerful response! You make me feel like there could be hope one day. Thank you.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Totally agree with Maybell. It does get better and easier. That doesn't mean you want a R any less, it just means that you're moving forward. And you will move forward, one way or another.
Ss06, re what your H is saying. Do you really think he KNOWS what he means? Once upon a time, he loved you enough to marry you. Now he claims his feels have changed. That means his feelings can change again..
I've come to realise that the basic science behind this is "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." Ha. As they always say around these parts, you shouldn't always believe what they say. And really, the fact that you guys do hang out and have a good time is proof in itself that there is hope for you yet. Just take a breather for a few days, reset and start again.
