Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
Onguard, only you can answer the question of whether to start the D. Just make sure you don't do it as a tactic to snap W out of her fog. It's ok to sit on it for a few days to insure it's what you really want to do.



Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
O
Onguard Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
Thanks Tarheel. I know that using D as a tactic is a horrible plan. I'm just so conflicted at times that I just want this nightmare to end. She is still in the home even though she has threatened to leave multiple times. My S20 pointed out that she has not had any consequences for her A. I then realized how soft I have been through this entire journey. I have been a total doormat and given her the perception that I will be here forever, no matter what. And that is definitely NOT the case. I need to get much tougher with my actions. I know that I need to employ the LRT hard. I also believe that I should ask her to move out of our home until she is ready to commit to R and work on our M.

She has made it known that she is still pining for OM even though he ended the A over 5 months ago. She has also indicated that she is open to an AP2. I have tried to be nice and act loving to her and she has just walked all over me.

We talked for about 10 minutes today. She again stated how miserable she was in our M and that she is not ready to give me what I want. That she has a lot of work to do on her own. She also said that she does not like talking to me because it reminds her of our past when she was so unhappy. "I will never let another man control me ever again". "You gave me the bare minimum and I will never tolerate that again. I didnt think I was worthy but now I know differently." Then she asked me, "Why would you want to stay together?" "A relationship should have trust and fidelity, and this one will never have that." She is basically telling me to end our M.

I was the one who initiated the talk but I said very little. We only had a few minutes to talk because she was leaving. After she left she sent me the following text: I'm searching for the answers every day. Weighing everything heavily both ways.

I have made the mistake of acting weak and needy because that is how I feel. I am so angry that I am dealing with depression at the same time as this crisis. Infidelity is a leading cause of depression and I was already recovering from depression when she dropped the bomb. The pain is crushing but somehow I have to find the strength to act. If I sit here waiting like a doormat then I'm going to end up divorced sooner or later anyway.


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
O
Onguard Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
Things continue to go south. In the past 8 days she has gone out 3 times, coming home at 2:30am, 3am and 4am. Each of these has been a week night as well. So, I am home with D13 while w is out getting blasted. This morning I made the mistake of asking her where she was until 3am to which she gave me the "Your not my father, don't judge me" speech. She says we are separated and she will do what she wants and does not have to answer to a man, not now or ever again. However, then she proceeded to tell me what she did without me having to say another word. Who knows if it was a lie but I was surprised that she kept going. At the end she forwarned me that she is going out again on Saturday night and it will also probably be a very late night. I know the girls she is going out with, so I know it's not OM.

She is having a hard time visualizing a new marriage with me. She thinks my changes are temp. and that she will soon be miserable again. I asked her what she has to lose if we try. She says that her heart is not in it and it wouldnt work. So she continues to act in a manner that is damaging to our R.

She says that we need to be under separate roofs and that she is still looking for a place that will suit her needs. "Our only hope is to separate and see if that helps my feelings to return." To which I keep telling her that feelings follow actions, not vice versa. She also says she needs more space and time to process her feelings and figure things out. I have not brought up the A but I have engaged her in talks about the future. I read Sandi2 37 rules often but I am finding it impossible to follow them consistently.

All of my supporters are telling me that it's hopeless. They are all telling me to file for D and move on with my life. But I am not ready to give up. A big part of me wishes that I was but the truth is that I'm not. Everything I read here tells me that I will run out of patience at some point.. Like Starsky, he had a moment where he just knew he was done. I'm waiting and hoping for that moment.


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Onguard


She says that we need to be under separate roofs and that she is still looking for a place that will suit her needs.



I would strongly suggest that you insist she find something by Saturday. Having your D13 witness her mother coming home at 3 and 4am, drunk, is not the environment for a girl about to go thru her most formative years in regards to how she will view men and relationships.

If your wife can't find a permanent residence by then, I'd suggest she crash on one of her party girlfriend's couches.

Time to be the Papabear, Onguard. mad Your daughter's (not to mention yours!) emotional health is more important than trying to re-attractive your wayward wife at this point.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
O
Onguard Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
Thanks Starsky. It is definitely time for me to man up. I have been walking on eggshells hoping that she has an awakening and things are only getting worse. I am going to tell her that she needs to find a place to live asap. Obviously I cannot force her to leave the home but would enforcing a boundary be a smart move? For example, at 1am all doors will be locked, the lights will be out and the alarm will be set. So plan accordingly.

D13 knows that things are really bad with us. I am trying to be a great dad to her but she is somewhat closed off right now. It's a balancing act of showing her love and giving her space. I am doing all I can to make her feel safe and to show her how to handle a crisis with dignity and respect. It's the strength part that I have been severely lacking to this point.

I see many similarities between some of the other stories (Shodan and Zew) and my own. In all instances we have a waw that is not remorseful and will / would not commit to the M. Trying to nice them back will never work. Trying to nice them back will never work!! If I say it again and again, maybe it will sink in. I have to get tough and be willing to lose it all in order to have ANY chance at saving it. My w does not fear losing me. She has had NO consequences for her A. She does not respect me. Her life, other than losing her ap, has not changed at all. I would certainly prefer that our M work but it takes 2 people, willing to do the hard work to make that happen. I have no choice but to take steps to move forward without her.


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Onguard
Thanks Starsky. It is definitely time for me to man up. I have been walking on eggshells hoping that she has an awakening and things are only getting worse. I am going to tell her that she needs to find a place to live asap. Obviously I cannot force her to leave the home but would enforcing a boundary be a smart move? For example, at 1am all doors will be locked, the lights will be out and the alarm will be set. So plan accordingly.


That ^^^ is exactly what I did in my own sitch. Fortunately, while not happy about it, my wife did respect that boundary.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Onguard


D13 knows that things are really bad with us. I am trying to be a great dad to her but she is somewhat closed off right now. It's a balancing act of showing her love and giving her space. I am doing all I can to make her feel safe and to show her how to handle a crisis with dignity and respect. It's the strength part that I have been severely lacking to this point.



I know it's hard, man. I had to do it and it about broke my heart, and my girls were 18 and 20 at the time. Let her know that you love her, her MOTHER loves her, and that you still love her mother but that "Mom is just making some bad choices right now" or, alternatively, "Mom and I are just going thru some things that we need to figure out right now" (whichever you are comfortable with). Let her know - -frequently! -- that "this is NOT your fault!", and also tell her "I will always tell you the truth and you can ask me anything."

It's imperative that she have at least one parent she can get the truth from at all times, during this difficult period.

Hang in there, man. You sound like you do have a real clear understanding of the dynamics of it all, and it's only in the "DOING" part that you're having difficulty. I found that praying for STRENGTH, daily, really helped me. I'm a "fixer" and a "pleaser" and a classic "Mr. Nice Guy" by nature, so NONE of this came naturally to me. STILL doesn't! But I had to learn new skills, and I'm proud that I did and they still serve me well and now I can teach them to my adult children to use in THEIR relationships.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
O
Onguard Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
My WW wrote me a letter today informing me that she has found a place to live and will be moving out next week. Here are some of the main points she also wrote:

Feels that this is a neccesary step if we are going to have any chance of R.

She is sick of my spying on her and asking her questions when she is out late.

She needs to step away and does not want to feel angry anymore.

She does not want us to communicate about our R for 30 days. Basically, only communicate about the kids or business by text or email.

Cannot go back to the M for the wrong reasons, fear, security, finances, history.

She needs to feel what life would be like without me.

She will not be dating and is not doing this to be with other men in any way.

Doing this makes everything real. It is bringing up emotions that have been buried and that is a good thing.

She wants us to start 2015 either fully together or fully apart.


I have not responded and was hoping to get some advice before I do. Or even if I should respond. I have said a while ago that if she left the house that I was going to pursue D. I only said it once but I'm sure she remembers it. I also feel like this is a step against the M, not towards it. She says she is hoping that the distance will stir up positive feelings for me. Part of me thinks that it makes some sense but another part of me is saying, don't be an idiot, she is looking to create more time and space to see either her AP or a potential OM2. (again, lots of nights out with single friends and coming home between 3-4am)


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Onguard
She says she is hoping that the distance will stir up positive feelings for me. Part of me thinks that it makes some sense but another part of me is saying, don't be an idiot, she is looking to create more time and space to see either her AP or a potential OM2. (again, lots of nights out with single friends and coming home between 3-4am)


I agree with you. Sounds like she's Plan B'ing you.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
Onguard,

Man up.

She is treating you like plan B.

So do the same. Treat her like plan B. Let her move out. Don't fret.

Move on with your life. That's the only thing that will protect you and your daughter (and possibly re-attract your wife).

Try and keep the house and protect your daughter from a mom going through a mid-life crisis.

--Theoden




Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard