Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
M
mindsin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
She was involved in the incident last weekend, so I'm not sure what you're getting at. You also have to understand her parents, and her relationship with her parents. I don't have any influence on them to be able to put them up to anything, and she knows it.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
M
mindsin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
So anyway -- She came home a little while ago. The visit to her parents lasted about 2.5 hours. On her way out she simply said that she hasn't talked to her parents in a while and wants to catch up.

When she came back, she was in a noticeably cheery mood, considering the fact that she has caught a nasty cold which has developed over the past few days. So however the conversation went, it apparently didn't sour her mood or invoke any further negative thoughts or attitudes towards me.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: mindsin
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

DB coaching session #8

There was one resounding point made during this call.

I need to BACK OFF!!

She recommended that I go LRT and really need to start doing more GAL activities. There is to be absolutely no texts about "how is your day going", "what did you eat for lunch", etc.

Communications that are initiated by me need to only be about the kids, and anything house-related. Deflect any and all talks about relationship or marriage. Indicate to her (next time she offers) that while I appreciate her compassion, I don't need it from her.

Continue "acts of service", but be careful not to go overboard. Focus more on things that benefit the household, the children, or even her parents.



I just found your latest thread and all I can say to this^^^ is AMEN!!!


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 266
1
Member
Offline
Member
1
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 266
I didnt mean to imply that youd be to blame for what her parents might say, only that it was likely to blow back on you.

I guess not though. Strange for her to come home cheerful.


M: 33
W: 33
M: 9 T: 10
3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5
BD: 8/3/14
Living together
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
Glad u didn't get any blowback. In my case (and of friends I know) the spouse "assumes" the LBS encouraged the confrontation/talk. Glad I was wrong. Of course being more positive is one of the 180's I struggle with.


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
M
mindsin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
Yesterday was interesting. In the morning, I took my son to soccer. My wife spent the day cleaning the house, doing laundry, and then resting. She took a little nap during the day. While she napped, I picked up on the housework (specifically, the laundry).

Later in the afternoon, I took our son to see "Book of Life". Originally, we were all supposed to go, but our daughter was being punished so she was not allowed to go. However, after our son and I left the house, my W had a change of heart and decided to take her anyways. I accidentally left my wallet at home and had to drive back to get it. As I pulled up to the driveway, my W and daughter were on their way out. I could sense that she did not look at this positively. "Same old same" from her H -- forgetting important things, etc.

We all hopped in her car and went to see the movie. We only missed the previews. The movie contained lots of themes about family, relationships, love, etc. I found myself nodding a lot, especially the when one of the characters spoke about selflessness and another spoke about forgiving. I thought it was a great movie for my W to see. Maybe she'll find inspiration, even a tiny bit, and start to realize the beauty of what she has in her life -- a husband who loves her, two wonderful children, and two parents who would do anything for their family. I cried towards the end of the movie.

After we left the theater, my W had a spontaneous idea. Let's go to a Mexican restaurant for dinner (the movie was set in Mexico)! We had a very nice dinner and we all enjoyed our food. We came home, she did her exercise routine while I bathed the kids and got them ready for bedtime.

She was in a pretty nice mood most of the day, and we engaged in some pleasant conversations. At times, I completely forgot about DB-ing, and just let go (being myself). It was a glimpse of what life used to be like.

All in all, it was a good day.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
M
mindsin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
I'm just winding down towards the end of another "family day". My W has been spending A LOT of time exercising/working out. Yoga class, Barre class, swimming at the gym, a DVD-based workout program. Yesterday morning, she spent 2 hours for her barre class (including travel time) and 1 hour for her DVD program @ home. Today, same thing. So in a span of two days, she spent 6 hours of "alone time" doing her workouts. I don't know if she even realizes (or cares) about the time she's spending away from her kids.

Today, we went to Chinatown. She went to a tea shop to get some good green tea. This was sort of unusual as I rarely if ever see her buy green tea. Instantly, my thoughts turned to the OM and I wondered if she bought the tea for him. She used to do thoughtful things like this for me, but obviously her mind and heart are elsewhere. It's kind of sad. The last thoughtful thing I recall her doing for me was buying those dress shirts for me before I started my new job.

That was about a month ago!

Or, I could just be over-thinking it and the tea is either for herself or her father (this is very possible).

I've suspected that receiving gifts was perhaps a secondary love language for her. Over the years, her gifts to me were always very thoughtful. I know that I'm not supposed to buying gifts for her, but maybe I'll try a little something, just to see what her reaction will be.

I plan on doing something very simple. I will print out a photo of the two kids and put it into a nice frame, so she can bring it to her work. If she won't display a photo of me at work (She didn't at her previous job -- the one she just resigned from last month), then maybe she'll display a photo of her kids, photographed, processed, printed, and framed by her husband.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
M
mindsin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
Today, she was also comfortable being naked in front of me again. I haven't seen her naked in probably a month. She has been closing the bathroom or closet door when she showers and changes.

Today, she was trying on new dresses, and asked me how they looked on her. She had no problem getting naked in front of me, and paraded around the bedroom nude, just like she used to during happier times.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
M
mindsin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
I'm starting to wonder...

Is living together a mistake? She's indicated to me several times before that she never thought it was a good idea. I never asked why. Perhaps it's because she feels pressured or trapped by my mere presence, since she can't freely be this "new happy woman" in front of me.

Perhaps it's because having me around is a stark reminder of the painful feelings and resentment she's felt towards me for years.

The reason why we originally decided to continue living together was for the children's sake. We wanted to give them as normal of a life as possible, even through this tough time. The idea was, if we were to reconcile, we don't want to disrupt their lives. There is no sense in living a divorced life before we're actually divorced. That was then. This is now.

Right now, she's speaking to the OM over the phone, in the room directly above where I'm typing this post on my computer. Her tone is soft, and romantic. She's clearly living out her fantasy. I can't understand what she's saying because she's speaking in Chinese (her 1st language) with the OM, who is also Chinese. I think this is the 1st time I mentioned her nationality. She shares a cultural commonality with the OM that I can never compete with. Frustrating as hell.

Tomorrow, I'll be seeing my in-laws again (1st time since Friday, and before their "heart-to-heart talk" with my W). I'm sure they'll be anxious to tell me about what was said. At the same time, I know that I have to be ready to hear some things that I may not want to hear.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
M
mindsin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
From DR - "Accept some, but not all invitations to spend time together."

I woke up this morning around 5:00 AM. I went downstairs to get some water. My W woke up and went downstairs to start her day (unusually early for her).

Our conversation, as I was pouring water:

W: Hey. You're up early.
Me: Yeah
W: You wanna do P90X with me?
Me: No. I'm tired. I have no energy.

I went right upstairs and said nothing more.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard