Maybell XVI

[jim0987]

Ditto the above. Youre a good person with good intentions and that is something to celebrate.

And you introduced me to the new concept of bacon jam - definitely going to try that.

[Zimmy]

He is a fool! You deserve better. Someday, maybe not soon, but someday he will regret it.

[Maybell]

Such a thing as communicating through haircuts? H raised me S6's shaved head by using the electric razor he uses for his face to clean up the peach fuzz... and left a mohawk behind. Then sent me the video. And I laughed and said AWESOME. This is a side of me he isn't used to seeing.

Why did I need permission to do the wild and crazy things I have always wanted to do, to be playful? Thank you, Labug, if we ever meet IRL how can I show my appreciation?

Also yesterday one of my friends made a point of asking me when I was getting my hair done and steered the conversation to mention what color -- I've never gone red before. Something I've wanted to do since I was a teenager. (He noticed. Which doesn't change that I truly am doing it for me.)

It's been a happy day. Hugs to all of you!!!!

[LisaB]

Maybell it sounds like you are like bacon jam, full of depth and exciting fascinating flavors. You rock girl!

Have you thought about a mohawk for yourself? I've always wanted to do that!

hugs,
Lisa

[Maybell]

I'm not up for a mohawk, lol. I love my hair, it has great texture and body. Not to mention how much more difficult a mohawk is to style.

My H never acknowledged our anniversary, and neither did I. It makes me sad, a little. But it also tells me very clearly that he isn't ready to be brave yet. And may never be.

Reading the codependency book has been amazing. So I should be grateful for this experience, because I doubt I would have seen myself so clearly in the book without it. For a while today I wanted to send my H an email saying, Wow, I really was controlling, I had no idea. It must have been stifling to be married to me. It certainly was stifling to BE me. But I'm sure that wouldn't do any good and in any case I need to make these changes so they stick. Let's break this cycle before my kids absorb this kind of behavior.

[Maybell]

OK vets, here's a question.

My H claimed during "separation prep" that he has been miserable with me for about ten years. Which means, he intentionally moved me to the West Coast over my objections knowing he would have preferred to dump me -- but didn't feel he could because our children were so small, and then I was pregnant.

Should I believe that? Because that paints him in a TERRIBLE light if that's true. And if it is true, does that impact my position regarding the marriage at all?

I don't really believe it's true that he didn't love me during that time. I believe he was unhappy, and there were several good reasons not having to do with me why he should have been unhappy. When we were with our first MC she asked him to recount a time when he DID feel happy, and he couldn't. He said he didn't know what happiness would be like and that he couldn't remember when he had EVER been happy. Being the great MC she was, she never followed up with that. Sigh.

I am realizing and owning my part of the failure of our marriage. Slowly, surely, it's coming clear for me. But I also think I could have been an angel from on high and I'd still be in this position because he has demons to wrestle of his own. I think it's true that he has had reasons to be unhappy and some of them are circumstantial, some of them are my fault, and some of them are his poor coping skills.

He cheated on me. He says he would have left me six years ago but for our newborn (and I would have left him at that time too, but for our children, so I believe he was that miserable during that time). He moved me against my desire and intentionally avoided conversation, he says, because if I objected then he would have not taken the job and he didn't want to make that sacrifice. He LEFT me rather than take responsibility for his share of the failure of the marriage and he is still in contact with the OW, though supposedly "just friends."

I am standing because that is what I feel called to do at this time. But I would like some thoughts on processing those things to help me on firmer ground with myself.

Snooped the Instagram account again... he hasn't liked any of her recent pics but she liked one of his (of my kids) earlier today. So maybe this isn't all on him. Can I call her a nasty name???

[Ahoy]

Maybell, don't believe anything they say, right? Do you really believe he's never known what if feels like to be happy? Really?
And then again, if that is true, do you want to be with someone who is incapable of happiness? Might you be happier with someone else in the long run?

Is it unfair that you were dragged up there. Of course. But there's no point in hashing over that unless you're dealing with lawyers and negotiating your point. You can't have an honest conversation with your H about it, and he won't accept the blame, and he will just think you're the bad guy for bringing it up and -- godforbid -- pointing out the cruelty of his acts.

I know because my H has said the EXACT same thing as yours. EXACT. It is a script they play in their heads full of fog. I too got dragged to a state far from my family and stable job just four years ago. And now I regret it, terribly.

But there's no point in lamenting. All we can do is move forward. He did love you at some point -- you know that's true. But that love is gone for now. Know this, though, you are lovable, and you are worthy.

And certainly worthy of more than what you're getting from H right now.

[Maybell]

Ahoy, I have done enough reading to think that claiming he's never been happy is a sign of depression, and given what MLC basically is, and the pressures we've been under the last 3-4 years, depression would be a perfectly reasonable state of mind for someone who copes the way he does.

I'm not so much still holding the move grudge against him as just trying to process the validity of what he claims and what I experienced in light of later events. I have been working really hard to let the move itself go; processing it this way is kind of an effort to find the last nail for that particular coffin.

[KGirl]

I'm willing to bet you have cards, gifts, etc. from the last 10 years that demonstrate otherwise... right?

A good friend (who is now D'd) told me that her MC had many conversations with her H about how his inability to make decisions (her vs. OW, what to do about their marriage period) was a significant symptom of depression in males. There seem to be several signs, huh? But you can't fix that, only he can, when he wants to.

Gottman calls this "negative sentiment override." People can use it as a protective mechanism to ease their guilt, or as a way to justify their actions when they don't otherwise know how to do so. It doesn't actually mean all that time was unhappy - it's just seen from a distorted view.

[claire7]

Maybell,
I wish we could talk on the phone.

I wish I had someone in real life who would understand all this.