Last night at d13 volleyball game, I had the denied insurance claim for xh's lab work (no longer under my coverage & wtf is the lab work for??!!!)
OK, so he was at the game. All in his pink garb (dress shirt that he would have NEVER worn before!) I sat very far away. I wanted to give him this claim. Maybe as an f u, you aren't on my insurance, buddy. And, yeah, I know what you are doing (even though I don't, nor do I really care).
So, I mustered up the courage and walked over. Whenever xh has stuff to give me, he brings it to the game and gives it to one of my kids to give me. I'm not a coward like that. He was sitting on the top bleacher. I walked all the way across the gym (I think there was music playing in the background from some intense move sound track- nawww... that was in my head.)
I walked right up the bleachers. He didn't even really look at me until I stood right in front of me. I saw him looking, then looking away pretending I wasn't there. I stood right in front of him and looked at him dead in the face until he made eye contact. Then I held out the folded up papers, he took them and I walked away. I sat down on the bottom bleacher in front of him (I was waiting for d13) I was shaking like crazy! What is that?! I was with this man for almost 20 years. And it's like that?! Shaking like a leaf! I didn't let him see me sweat, though. Then d13 came over and he talked to her for a second (I bolted) and she said, "I gotta go. I'm late for a concert." He was like, "What??" and she left.
He was probably thinking that I was taking her out. Ha ha.. he was going home to his boring house with a 2-year-old and a pregnant skank.
So I drove to the city and dropped d13 off with some friends. They went to the concert and she spent the night with them. S17 was home. On my way home from the city, I remembered that my friends were getting together for a clothing thing. I was invited, but didn't think I'd make it. But I went. 180 and GAL for me! They were happily surprised when I walked in.
We had a great time! A girl from Texas was there showing off a clothing line. She had racks of high-end clothes and we were trying them on. We had a blast. Tons of laughing and a little wine.
The girl who was from Texas was an amazing woman. She was beautiful, sweet, loving. She is recently married and told me that she had been married for 20 years and her xh had an affair and how it devastated her and how she got through it. She was great. I talked to her a little bit about my sitch. She was sweet and said, "I can't believe anyone would leave you! You are so funny! You are beautiful and I can tell what a great person you are!" That's always nice to hear. Even though I have a hard time believing it.
So as my family weeds our way through this confusing time in our lives, we are bonding together in a new way. We are revising the dynamic of our family. The trio. The three amigos.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I was shaking like crazy! What is that?! I was with this man for almost 20 years. And it's like that?! Shaking like a leaf!
Haha. I'm not sure what it is. I was like that for a very long time after XW left, but it got better with time. Everytime I had to see her or talk to her, I got that way. I was probably like that for about the first 18 months - 2 years. I'm not an expert, but it might be a form of anxiety. Just my two cents.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Yep, I still get a sinking feeling as well. I think it's revulsion or something
I saw my ex the other day. My GF and I were headed to a party and had to stop at the store for some fresh shrimp. My ex was just ahead of us as we walked in. I still get that feeling a little. For a second. Until I remember that, hey, I'm not the one that lost their mind, had an affair, walked out on the kids, and harassed my ex ever since like a high-school loser. What the heck do I have to be worried about??
So after the brief moment, I went on about my business. I didn't even notice her stalking us throughout the store. My GF did and only commented on it a few days later.
What I'm getting at is that it's normal that you feel that way (a lot of trauma caused by him) and you'll need to remind yourself you have nothing to feel awkward about and nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to him. That's his deal
In time...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I am so sick of living like this! I am so tired of dealing with this nonsense. I am over feeling hurt. This is so lame. I hate that I have to see him. I am annoyed that I always have to deal with his aftermath. This is so hard. Seeing him is killing me. He is a S.O.B! I think he is going out of his way to hurt me even more now. Why? Why would someone who was supposed to love me and protect me want to cause me so much pain? I just don't get it.
I had such a good weekend. I GAL all weekend. I felt free. But I just keep getting sucked back into the pain. I don't know how to make it stop. I am so freaking over it!
I saw this mutter fudder tonight. Maybe I am wrong, but I really feel like he wants to prove to me that he is so happy or something. He literally sat down at the game, right in front of me and started texting right away. Then he moved bc my mom and her friend were there.
I went out after d13's game to the foyer to work concessions for the varsity game. He came out a little after me. I was literally right outside the gym doors. He was ALREADY on the phone, talking! He was looking right at me and walking and smiling on the phone, like he was the man. Every time... as soon as he gets there... texting... and as soon as he leaves. Now he was talking! He doesn't have any friggin friends- it's so obvious it her!
But the way he came walking out- like he was king of the earth. Looking right at me, walking like he was saying, "F U, Mighty!" Then he walked past my mom and her friend and actually said hi to my moms friend. Smiled like Joe Cool and waved and said hi! I just saw her cringe at him! She was so uncomfortable.
What a jerk. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Pompous a$$. F,F,F! I hate that this baby is coming!!! I HATE IT! Maybe once it's here, I will just have to accept it. How am I ever going to be able to see that? UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tad, kml, AJ- I am not looking forward to dealing with this for so long. I may jet after d13 graduates. I can't stand it. PTSD- totally. I am much better off when I don't have to deal with seeing him.
It's easier said than done, I know. But you have to let that stuff roll off your back like water on duck feathers.
There is a trick I used to help me when I was going through some bad chit with my xh, (the father of my 4 kids is h#1, different than MLC H).
Xh was different in some ways from your H. But this still may help.
Xh was very intimidating. Menacing. Abusive in covert ways.
He would often look me square in the eyes, and smile while he did evil things.
He knew it got to me, and that was his payoff. It worked, again and again.
The trick I used, was I started to envision him as a two year old having a tantrum. I would mentally play out the crazy stuff he did that day, as I went to sleep, and envision a two year old doing and saying those things instead. It wasn't far off....
What it did, tho, was allow me to stop being scared of him. I'm not scared of a two year old who doesn't get his way. I'm stronger than that. He looks like an idiot. It helped me bring him down. That perspective and approach allowed me to stop being bothered by his nonsense and games.
Your xh is acting like a little 4 year old kid with a lollipop in his mouth, taking it out and showing it off to the people who don't have one. Even if that kid hates the flavor, his goal is to pi$$ off the other kids.
Then there is a payoff for the kid to have that attention.
Your xh seems to want your attention, even negative. That's really pathetic.
Quote:
But the way he came walking out- like he was king of the earth. Looking right at me, walking like he was saying, "F U, Mighty!" Then he walked past my mom and her friend and actually said hi to my moms friend. Smiled like Joe Cool and waved and said hi! I just saw her cringe at him! She was so uncomfortable.
I read that, and tried to imagine how many seconds of your attention ^^^^that took to happen.
More seconds than looking the other direction? Walking somewhere else? Looking down at your phone and keeping your attention elsewhere?
It appears he may be getting his payoff while you watch his actions? Idk.
You're too busy to notice, remember?
Mighty, xh doesn't deserve the air you breathe. Truly, he doesn't.
Remember how you thought of that bratty little 4 year old when you were, like....9? The nine year old doesn't care. That 4 year old kid is just immature. 9 year old would probably laugh shaking her head...and walk away. Whatevs.
Besides...xh doesn't even have a lollipop. He's waving his doggie doo doo around and trying to make people jelly. Puh. Leeeezze.
I'm glad you vent. Maybe start putting some energy into challenging yourself when you see xh? Use the opportunity to see how looking at xh as a little kid, ridiculous brat might help?
