Mozza, Man your post bout the hopes and dreams & you being the bad guy. Man, I thought I was looking at one of my posts. I'm with you, I want my wife back. I want to be a better man too. Seems as if some see this as an either/or but I don't. Just like I told my wife early on, you don't have to remain in a bad marriage, we can work to make it better! Divorce is not a beg full of magic beans for your life. Don't give up!!
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Thank you all. I'm very grateful for the reactions and feedback.
Originally Posted By: 1foot2
Really inspiring stuff mozza. You are in the right place.
Sometimes, but not always. I still cry a lot, feel miserable, resent her for leaving, think of I could do for her instead of myself... About the only thing I do right consistently is to hold back from initiating communication.
Originally Posted By: bravo61
Just like I told my wife early on, you don't have to remain in a bad marriage, we can work to make it better!
Bravo61 - Thanks a lot, I'm glad my words were of some comfort to you. We're going through very similar experiences. I would just frame your offer somewhat differently. We shouldn't ask our wives to go "back" anywhere. We should offer them a way forward, a fresh start. I know my wife is looking for something simple and easy and is completely daunted at the idea of working on our M. She won't hear a word of it. When she left, I told her that our relationship was over: either we go our separate ways or we have a brand new relationship. It was probably too pushy at the time, by DB standards, but I believe it was the right message. Another thing I tell her is that our R needed this step if it was ever to continue. Let's see if we meet on the other side of it. I don't know if it was the right thing to say, but it was the best I could think of at the time.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
That's 100% the right idea. And I'm waiting for my opportunity to say those exact words. Meantime, I'm reminding myself how much more effective it is to show her what her new life would look like in a new relationship with me. It's hard, with all the stresses of our lives, and with so many factors obviously remaining constant through this transition (kids, job, house).
Your thoughts on validating and accepting Ws feelings are very poignant. My ability to do this wildly varies, due to basically a lot of immature behavior from her. I hope you can document specific ways you are doing this!
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I do a lot of reading around the forum to find inspiration in the stories and responses of others.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
You want the man you love to show you some freaking respect!!! Why does it seem so hard for him to do? Everyone wants to feel they are valuable to the people they love most in the world.
This quote by sandi2 made me tear up. It hurts because my W stopped seeing me as valuable in her life. Did she lose respect? I don't know, I never thought of it that way. We just spent two years during which she changed career. I supported her throughout, even if it would be a loss of income, because I could tell that she was going towards her true calling. In the first year, I helped her gain some experience on the side while she was working in her previous field. Then we moved and she quit her job. I paid all the bills (she freelanced so put in a bit of money sometimes), I babysat the two kids while she'd take evening classes, I even reviewed (completely!) her written exam for the job she got and, at the interview, she was told it was the best! She acknowledges my support and contribution and said, as she was leaving: "I'm very grateful for all you've done, but I need to take the next step alone." I felt like a woman in her 50s to whom her husband said "You've been great to me and the kids and I'm grateful, but life is short and I want a convertible and a hot silicone barbie."
Did she dump me because I was being supportive? It seems to make no sense. I do half the work at home, like many men of my generation. She'd be home for a year and would drop the kids early and pick them up late like she had a job. Then she'd spend the day running some errands, reading, walking around this new city. I don't recall a single day where she decided to spend time with the kids, just for fun. I could never convince her to clean the house during the day because she "didn't like" to clean. I couldn't hire a maid or spend the little free time that I had while she was unemployed.
She always wanted space and I've given her lots. This summer, she went on a trip with her mom for two weeks and I was happy for them (it was an important trip for her mom) even though it meant we wouldn't have holidays together this summer. She'd go abroad for a week by herself every year and she made it clear that she needed this time alone -- I was fine with it. I go on business trips so she's sometimes alone at home. She'd regularly need time on her own and me too. We're both only children. I can relate to the need for solitude, independence and I was asking for the same in return. Our friends would be surprised at how much independence we'd have. I think it went too far, not related to the examples below, but because we stopped sharing a common world. For example, before, we'd compromise and watch TV together. In the last year, we'd take turn to watch our own shows. We slowly built parallel universes.
As I said before, I was the adult (parent?) in the couple. My wife would associate me with her authoritarian mother, not with her dad who always agrees with her. So it's not like I was not setting boundaries. In fact, she felt too criticized in the couple and left saying that she was "walking on eggshells" around me. She said I love the person I wanted to shape, not the person she is. She left to find her "true self" which was especially hurtful given the space and support I've given her. Part of me thinks "believe none of what they say". She left after she found a group of colleagues who would value her, accept her as she is and even hit on her. Competing for her attention, they made her feel awesome. It looked like an easy future for her and our life looked like a difficult present. She said she thought it would be easier to take care of the kids alone 50% of the time than share her half with me, all of the time. She is really moving towards an easier life, in her mind. I don't know yet if she's wrong.
Is this idle thinking about "why"? Time that would be better spent on me? Or is it valuable to think about the reasons that lead to the breakup. I'd hope it would serve me to have a better relationship in the future, either with her or someone else.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza: this was never about you. There is nothing more you could have done to change this. Sadly, this is who she is or had become, and she will never be happy with anyone in this selfish state. Maybe for moments, but not in a mature contented, meaningful, committed way. She has some demons within herself. Please don't blame yourself.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Mozza: this was never about you. There is nothing more you could have done to change this. Sadly, this is who she is or had become, and she will never be happy with anyone in this selfish state. Maybe for moments, but not in a mature contented, meaningful, committed way. She has some demons within herself. Please don't blame yourself.
Thank you Zimmy. You made me cry. I feel a great sense of relief when I think that maybe I'm not to blame. But I also feel powerless as it means I can't fix myself so that she'll come back. In the end, I just don't know how to find the balance. Spouses will walk away on guilty partners after all. It's not always a MLC or other bad reasons. It seems entirely possible that I was making her life unpleasant by being grumpy and impatient, which I was too often. I'm a perfectionist with high standards for myself and I expect the same of other people close to me. My wife is the opposite of a perfectionist, but she gets things done quickly. I would criticize the way she told a story (get to the point!), the way she would pack a suitcase (you forgot X and Y, I can't trust you!), her impulse purchases (sleep on it!), her questions (you know the answer!), etc. Then again, we agreed on the fundamentals: how to raise the kids, money, sex, religion and politics... So it seems like she gave the R a death sentence while some community service would have been enough. The excessive severity of the sentence is where I seems to be heading in my efforts to make heads or tails of this situation.
I do agree that she's very narcissistic at the moment and can't think of anyone else but her. When she got her job, getting in her way was like getting between an addict and his drug. She'd want to go out with them and work longer hours if needed. She'd brush off the kids, she would get upset at me, etc. Later, she didn't put any thoughts in how to announce the separation to the kids. I did the online research and called a help line, summarizing my findings for her. On the day, she agreed she just wanted to get done with it and showed no emotion, nor preparation. She thinks the kids will be fine and that she'll set a nice example for her daughters. Girl power!
Her shrink told her that she needed to make a decision and then go through with it. That's how she handled the situation, refusing to have any meaningful conversation or even thoughts (apparently) about it. When I met her about 10 days after she left, she told me about her sorrow an loneliness, quickly adding "But I don't want to look at the past. I'm going forward and I can't achieve that by looking behind!" I clearly remember her speaking faster and with more authority as she said that. It felt to me as she was trying to convince someone. She doesn't speak about the separation with her friends and when she does, it seems to be some official version.
This morning, I feel more at peace with her departure than usual. I'm not okay with it and I want her to come back, but I feel like, perhaps, I could survive after all. This comes from the feeling that she's done something irreparable by showing such low level of commitment, even after getting engaged, married and pregnant twice. Maybe this was the wrong woman all along for someone loyal and trusting like me. Even if she comes back, what are the chances that she will dump me again? Perhaps I should seize this opportunity to build a new life now rather than in 5-10 years.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Your story is so much like mine that I feel your every sentence. If those minor irritations were enough to break up a family, SHAME on her and her loss for not understanding what real love and commitment are. You don't deserve this.
I am at brunch and will write more later, but I promise you, she will regret this.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
No one is blameless in these things its just who has the courage to face their own fears and demons and who runs away. Make changes for you and no one else.
Find the things about you that you are not proud of whether that's a poorly enforced boundary or a bad temper and change it so you have a better future, whoever that's with.
You'll do good - that I'm confident of.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Agree with Jim but would say use that introspection in a constructive way and don't accept too much blame. And no one is perfect either. Most of us do the best we can in loving our partners. For better or worse, right? Doesn't sound like your relationship was fundamentally broken when your wife decided to check out. And you are still fighting for her! That is so rare and beautiful and if she can't see that right now, she is blind in her craziness. (And if she, doesn't, I'll give you my number, because that is what every woman wants!). Eventually, when she realizes that e grass isn't greener and she can't solve her own emptiness problem by losing you, she will come to some hard realizations about herself.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Competing for her attention, they made her feel awesome. It looked like an easy future for her and our life looked like a difficult present. She said she thought it would be easier to take care of the kids alone 50% of the time than share her half with me, all of the time. She is really moving towards an easier life, in her mind. I don't know yet if she's wrong.
Your situation is really so similar to mine. I heard some form of this from my W as well. As if she sees this as merely a reorganization of her life.
Your W does sound very focused on certain priorities. Still, I have the same hope for you that I do for me, that with some distance from this decision, they will realize it was not as simple as they'd imagined.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
