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claire7 Offline OP
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A few quiet, calm, GAL days...and the rumblings are starting again. I am someone only a fool would walk away from. And I married a fool, apparently.

My heart breaks for my daughter. I walk around the city and see scores of intact families. And I have a tiny pity party. Why me.

The anger and sadness still bubble up to the surface.

But I can't really be so surprised. I had reservations when I married him. I never thought he really liked me enough. He was never able to articulate exactly why he loved me. Such a red flag that I chose to ignore because I was so grateful that someone had actually chosen me to marry. I didn't value myself enough to think I could do any better.

So here I am. It was inevitable I guess.

And my heart still feels broken even though in my head I know there is nothing really to save or even rebuild.

He seems happier and at peace. Everyone I talk to-- H, MIL, SIL, friends-- all remark at how great my D is handling everything. He has a W who is pleasant and collaborative. What incentive does he have to see it any other way? He made up his mind and can't imagine changing it-- way too risky to give up how good he's got it at the moment (mind-reading alert!!)

And frankly, when I try to picture us together again, it feels too scary for me too. To go through this again? To trust him and be betrayed when it becomes too difficult for him again? Or, perhaps worse, to realize that he is just not able to give me what I need...and to walk away from yhehim.

It's too much to think about.

I think I need to give up. Have some soul searching to do. I do not know why I am continuing to stand.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Just so you know you're not alone... I saw your post. I'm thinking about how best to respond to it. We have so many similarities in our situations that it's hard to remember sometimes all the differences, which are important. Just know you're not alone.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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claire7 Offline OP
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And. .. f'ing PMS. Just had a scheduling conversation in person. .. I was not feeling my most pleasant. And while it wasn't completely horrible, I certainly reinforced his narrative. But today I was just tired of it all.

I'm not perfect, so if being perfect is the only way I can have a snow balls chance of making this work. ..after a year... I don't think I am strong enough for that...or most importantly, I don't think I have the desire for that.

Sigh.
I hate this so so much.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Claire, you've sure put a lot of pressure on yourself. On one hand, you don't think the marriage ever worked, he's too weak to be a good husband, why bother, let's just get this ball rolling because HE doesn't have enough faith (but do you??? You don't sound as if you do).

On the other hand, you didn't do a good job of presenting yourself at your scheduling meeting, you're not perfect enough to make everything work, you don't have the desire.

I GET THE IMPATIENCE. You are shining a light on how I've looked. But where is Claire?

Labug challenged me to pick something wild and crazy to do. So far I've scheduled three things and I feel AWAKE. What about you? What wild and crazy something can you do to make you feel like life is possible no matter what happens with your H?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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You are perfectly imperfect, and someone who loves you should love your imperfections because they are what make you you.

Only change the things that you want to change for you - don't try to be somebody else for anybody else


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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claire7 Offline OP
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25,
Thank you. It really means a lot to me when you check in. You were one of the first vets to hold me accountable and I think of your words to me often.

This particular exchange (about the calendar "confusion" did happen in person, as he dropped off D.

As for your very wise advice... I get it. I really, really do. And I know I still have work to do because he does push my buttons and half the time when I see him I want to punch him in the nose.

I'm trying to do all that you said. But yesterday and today the PMS on top of everything got to me and I guess I was feeling selfish or impatient or both.

I'm not proud of how I handled myself today. But I want to cut myself some slack. My MIL came to visit H and D yesterday, and D and H spent the morning with our his friends and their kids.

I am literally the only person in the world doing anything to try to save this marriage. Does his mom or his friends (a couple of whom have seen me recently) ever ask him to rethink it or whether it's worth it????

God I am in the middle of such a pity party and there is NO ice cream in the house. No 2x4's needed... I've already bopped myself on the head.

I could use a hug. Or twelve.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Joined: Apr 2014
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Hug
Hug
Hug
Hug
Hug
Hug
Hug
Hug
Hug
Hug
Hug
Hug


wink


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Originally Posted By: claire7

But I can't really be so surprised. I had reservations when I married him. I never thought he really liked me enough. He was never able to articulate exactly why he loved me. Such a red flag that I chose to ignore because I was so grateful that someone had actually chosen me to marry. I didn't value myself enough to think I could do any better.


Yep, those red flags. I've been thinking this lately, too. I should have probably thought a little more when I issued the "If you're not going to marry me, I'm going to move out and rethink this - I only moved in with you because you said we were definitely getting married" ultimatum. Why should I have been OK with someone that finally said yes only under those circumstances? We were together for so long and starting so young I just couldn't envision any other outcome but us getting married and continuing on. I'm struggling now with whether I just "settled" or if I did truly make the best decision at the time and thought he was what I wanted.

I think you were the one that said a family member told you to marry someone who loved you or was into you a little more than you were to them. I do feel that I put a lot more effort and care into him/our R than he did towards me. Maybe we can't do anything about this R but if nothing else hopefully it gives us things to consider and red flags to watch out for next time - for me it's going to be loving someone for exactly who they are and not what I think they could be given time/work/"fixing up" etc.

This is all with a virtual hug, of course smile


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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Claire, like you, I'm feeling rather self centered but I do know that there's no such thing as perfection. It's impossible. We should be loved because of and despite our flaws. We deserve that. We do.

((((Hugs))))


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Oct 2014
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It's ok to be self centered right now.

Your idiot husband is far from perfect. It's so easy for us to focus on our flaws, but what about theirs - which I would argue are much bigger doozies...


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
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