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Jefe, I'm sorry to see you go through this. I too have gotten the whole "I wanna see other people" line. It [censored]! I have a hard time detaching as well. All you can do now is do for yourself and the kids, if W wants to be a part of it, she has to decide that on her own.

It's funny, I give you this advice, but I have a hard time follwing it in my sitch.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
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Hi Jefe,

How are you feeling today? I’m pretty sure you cycled through a lot of emotions last night.

Let me start by saying your wife’s actions yesterday were very cruel. No matter her emotional state yesterday there was no excuse for the way she acted. I strongly believe there is a difference between “detaching” and “allowing.”

The reason we detach is because we cannot control our spouse’s actions and therefore we cannot have emotional attachments to their actions. However, this does not give our spouses permission to engage in obnoxious and disrespectful behavior to us or our children. There is still a standard of behavior we expect from people when they interact with us.

She did not have a right to leave the festival early. You were there as a family and she made a commitment to be there as a member of the family. It was rude, inconsiderate and showed a lack of respect for the entire family. Not just you.

She did not have a right to send you a text saying she was going to date. Under any circumstances this would be outrageous behavior but doing it after a family gathering is obnoxious. If she wanted to discuss “dating” then decorum demands this discussion be conducted verbally.

I believe you need to set boundaries with your wife on her behavior. When setting boundaries for the WAS we need to be clear and kind. The point of boundaries is to inform not punish. For example, if she feels there needs to be a discussion on an issue that redefines your marriage contract (parenting, dating, etc.) then these issues should not be discussed by email or text. A time will be set for the issue to be discussed either on the phone or in person.

Now on to the actual incident yesterday:

The phone may have triggered her but it may not have been the reason she triggered. It may have been a combination of things. Coming to the house and having a familiar moment, then leaving. Then being together as a family at a family-friendly event and watching other people enjoy intimacy that she didn’t have. She may have been overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, guilt and remorse. The phone incident may have been the excuse she was looking for to become agitated and leave.

I don’t know if this is what happened. But I would be interested in seeing the text message conversation that took place after her first text. If my hypnosis is correct her texting would have carried “hopeless” language such as “I don’t see the point.”

Do not mistake hopeless language for reconciliation language. Hopeless language indicates depression and a lot of WAS divorce under the mistaken belief that a divorce will stop their depression. If she used hopeless language she needs to be comforted. She needs to know this situation is not forever. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

However, the opposite may have occurred. The day’s events may have spurred an epiphany. Your direct and honest communication with the phone could have made her realize that her deceitful behavior is wrong. She may have decided she doesn’t want to be this person anymore. She may have decided that she wants to be direct and honest with you about her intentions to date and she wants you to have freedom to find someone else, also.

Again, I don’t know if this is what happened but her subsequent text messages carry the missing information. Did she use direct language? “I think it is time we accepted our mistakes and moved forward with our lives.”

Just as hopeless language shouldn’t be confused with reconciliation language, direct language shouldn’t be confused with divorce language. Direct language only means she is ready to be open and honest about her lifestyle. This is not a bad thing. It is a hurtful thing but not a bad thing. If she used direct language then you need to accept her at her word. Which is: She is dating.

Can you share the subsequent text messages?


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
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Hope, It got a little nasty after that as I was having a hard time containing my frustration over the fact of the timing of the entire deal and the subject matter. I screwed it all up.

There were so many texts but I'll share most of the pertinent ones.

After she said "You can too"

M: No interest, thank you.
W: OK your choice
M: You already have been anyway
W: OK whatever you say.
M: I'm not real sure what you want me to say, really.
W: Just Informing you that's all

M:So kind of you to do this right now while I have our children at a family event.
W: Sorry
M: Well, I think we need to change our finincial and vehicular arrangements ASAP. I'm not going to support your destruction of the family.
W: So, what are you going to take from me then everything?
M: You're leaving everything, I'm taking nothing.


W: If you take the car that will be shi**y and I will be very pi**ed off. But whats new. You've taken everything from me anyway. I have nothing left.
M: You walked away,
W: I gave you 7 years the least you can do is give me the car unless you're too selfish and have to have it all to yourself.
M: I'm sorry I missed the part of the vows about 7 years was all we were obligated to. I'm not being selfish, I didn't leave you.
W: You've done your part too to destroy the marriage don't even try that sh*t with me.
M: I have done plenty, and I'm the one here standing for what's right willing to do whatever it takes to restore the marriage, so don't play that sh*t with me either.
W: I don't want the marriage
M: Obviously, but you ARE still married.
W: I've done my best and that's all I can do
W: Sorry
W: Then get the divorce papers and I'll sign them today.
W: I can't afford them


The next 20 minutes was a spewing of anger and I turned my phone on silent for a couple of hours.

Around 11 last night she sends:
W: Did you get the engine in yet?

W: I truly am sorry it didn't work out for you and I to stay together. I wish no Ill will against you. You are a great dad to our children and for that I'm grateful. I want to be your friend. Please don't make us enemies.


I didn't respond to either.

This morning at church she has hovered all around me probing for information on what I'm doing the rest of the day and such, and has even found a reason she needs to come to the house today, ugh. I've kept it short. At one point she said: "you sure are grouchy" and I said, "yup".

Tons of 2x4s coming my way, I'm sure. I blew the entire conversation after the dating bomb drop and I know it. The 37 flew right out the door. I forwarded the "dating" text to my sponsor right after she sent it to me and he called in the middle of this deal and told me to STFU and stop engaging in any more conversation. Go dark now, which I did.

Now she's texting wanting to know what she can do for us or get for us while she's out today. I hate this part of my life right now.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Originally Posted By: mandown
It's funny, I give you this advice, but I have a hard time follwing it in my sitch.


Me too. But it's a huge part of why helping others and posting on other threads is so beneficial to all of us. It gives us some insight and diverts our attention for a brief moment.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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Jefe, I feel for you. I'm following your threads, but since I have no advice, I stay silent for the most part. It hurts my heart to see how you're being treated. I haven't seen or talked to my wife in months. I guess I have it easier in some ways. Part of me wishes I was still in contact with my wife, but it was extremely emotionally draining on me. Ive got mediation coming up in December or so. Don't guess I'll hear from her at all until then. All seems to be rainbows and unicorns in affair land.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
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WMWB, Thanks for the prayers and support. It's in God's hands now.

I can't do anything for my wife or my family, I'm powerless.



She just left here to go shopping for us. While she was here she's been playful, and very close and bumping into me and putting her mark on the house, etc. This bi-polar BS is what insanity is made of. Doing my best to be detached.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Jefe,

It's time for a refresher on validating. Here's the link:

Validation: Cheat Sheet

Chin up, buddy!

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You are absolutely correct, Wonka. Thank you. I was just thinking about this thread this morning.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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She said she wants to still be friends.
Well that's not a bad place to start. Face it. Your marriage is over - the one you had. Period. You could even tell her that, but then you could also tell her that you would like to build a new marriage with her, unless you find that too pursuing. Nonetheless, you need to build a new marriage with her, and that starts as being friends, being kind and not assuming that you can act like her husband. You're back to courting. And that's a delicate dance, especially if there are other suitors in play.

My W wants to be friends. We spend time together as friends. Anytime we get into R talk it degrades to rewriting history and me getting all the blame. I really need to stay away from that crepe.

I would try very hard not to make any snarky comments about her behaviour. If you don't like what she's saying give her the time out signal and take a walk. When you come back move on to a different topic.

Yes it does seem like bipolar insanity. Reinforce the positives. Ignore the negatives.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
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Hi Jefe,

Well, I can understand your frustration. This was a very unsettling exchange. Since we don’t know why she said these things, I don’t think we should be labeling your wife.

I’m also not going to fault the way you responded. Based on the situation and the way you received the information I think you handled it pretty well. In fact, I think you did a good job of detaching (as much as possible), pointing out consequences, and bringing her back to the marriage discussion.

One text interests me: “Then get the divorce papers and I’ll sign them today” followed by “I can’t afford them.”

This was a very interesting text.

When someone wants a divorce they file for a divorce and the LBS begs them not to do this. But not only does your wife keep threatening to file a divorce (with no follow through)--Now she is demanding that you to carry out her threat.

Is your first thought to the paragraph above, “She did that because she can’t afford to file.” I know its expense to file in Dallas because I googled the cost of filing for a divorce (with children) in Dallas and the cost is $336.00.

Although this sounds like a great deal of money it really isn’t when someone is determined. But it is an incredible amount of money for something you do not want. I thought this amount was extremely punitive for lower economic citizens so I did a little more research. There are services available to help indigent people (primarily women) file for a divorce if they cannot afford the $336.00 fee.

I find it interesting that your wife did not take the 2 hours necessary to research this information. I am a stranger with no vested interest in your marriage yet I was able to obtain information about where to could go for financial assistance for a divorce.

But, what I want to know is…was your first thought “She did that because she can’t afford to file?”

Because your first thought should have been, “Hey…I didn’t even realize that she was asking me to carry out her threats!”

The reason your first thought to this is important is because it will provide insight into the dynamics of your relationship.

I’m also intrigue by the way both of you behaved today at church and after. It provided more insight into your relationship.

Both of you completely avoid the mention of the text argument from last night. She doesn’t acknowledge her wounding words and even displays an incredible lack of empathy for your feelings (You sure are grouchy). To which you state “Yup.” To which she responds with Acts of Service.

This isn’t the first time she has done this. Are you aware that after she engages in inappropriate behavior she engages in in Acts of Service?


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
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