Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
As stated before, she got a protective order and then violated me. I was in jail 9 days, and the revised order was for No contact direct or indirect . so there was no way to arrange for seeing them. And she never offered or tried either. And she could have gone through several people for me to see them and she hasn't.


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
Were you court ordered away from your children too when she filed the protection order? This may be a legal issue that you receive direction from the courts about.

If not, kids are separate from your situation with your wife. Kids take priority over what you and her are thinking and feeling, they should come first. I hope they are not going to be used as a weapon or bargaining chip.

Stop mind reading, you have no idea what she is thinking and that shouldn't be where your heart is when thinking about your kids.

If you are worried about her taking your visiting the kids as a way to interact with her. That is because you want it to be.

Whether you want to see your kids or not and when you want to is your decision. If or when you see them only make the conversation about when, where, etc. Say thank you and be pleasant. No other conversation about relationship, feelings, etc. Don't rub anything in her face, nothing. Be a dad and focus all your attention on your kids.

Contacting her about your kids does not count as pursuing and does not go against the rules 25 posted. Those rules apply to your interactions with your wife about your relationship.

I know it is scary and any mistake feels like the end. The book says you will make mistakes so learn from them and keep going.

You are reading the book, right?


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
I am reading the book, and no the order did not say no contact with children.


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
I wrote a letter to her as suggested. And I want to post it here, since I will NOT be giving it to her.

Letter of Truth 10/25/2014

I am sorry for who I have been. For the person I never continued to be. I am sorry for the person you became, as you changed from the person you were. I accepted that change and my love did not die. But that change strained everything we were and everything we were supposed to become. I am sorry for the father I forgot to be. I am sorry for the lover that I neglected to satisfy you with. I am sorry for the pain that my heartache causes you, and the pain my failures have endured you.
I gave you my heart, unconditionally, and never had a plan to take it away. You kept your heart from me for so long; I do not remember what it was like to have it. I find myself apologizing to you, to God, to our families for all my faults. Only to realize that many of the faults are yours as well, you have just never had time to think about them.
Some days I want to hate you. Some days I wish I never loved you. There are some days when I want to yell at you for making what I believe to be a horrible mistake. But we have been down this road before. There is a difference. I have come to realize so much over these past few months. And believe me there is an awakening that I never had before.
The main issues I have had to deal with are mostly obvious. I have always made it clear that as long as the papers are not signed, we are married. You have emotionally cheated on me many times, and now a physical affair. For the better part of a year you have been conversing with this person. Even back when I thought we were good together. Then I started figuring it out. The constant texting on the phone. The lack of interest in spending time with me at night, while you were “playing games” on your phone. The late nights at work while you had to wait for the manager to finish. The not coming home for lunch days. The fact that you did not want to go to work on your days off. When you started deleting your text messages, and claiming you did not like the clutter. All of these things happened before I STUPIDLY suggested we separate. I trusted you, and never ONCE thought you were doing anything with another man. You lied to my face for months. You backstabbed me and betrayed me in a way that I Never thought you would have.
You are now avoiding me at all costs. The children will suffer through this ordeal regardless of how you say they will be fine, or how well they are “adjusting”. You lied to me for so long, you are now lying to yourself. You had a man that would have loved you until the world stopped spinning. You had a man that would have laid his life down for you just to prove his love. Then you just gave up.
You posted a message on how you gained your maturity at 30. Getting a divorce, having an affair, removing the daddy from your child’s home, allowing our home to foreclose, planning a bankruptcy – this is not maturity, this is irrationality; delusion. And yet, you blame me, because my heart is broken and my emotions went downhill. And then I suffer more while you rave and pretend to be happy. You destroy me, and smile about your day as if you do not care. Perhaps you do not care, perhaps you do not love me, and perhaps you never did.
I have decided to accept your terms due to the fact that I have no choice or control. I feel like I do not want to love you. But I do, and more then you may Ever believe. And I probably will until my last breath on this earth. I love our children, yes I failed to show it, but that does not mean it was untrue. I will provide for them for the rest of my life, and they will come to understand the true love of a father – because after what you have done, they are ALL I have left. I am going to learn to bury my love for you, because I cannot live in this pain. This will take some time – perhaps before I can bury it, you will see what you are losing. Maybe then we may have a chance to make this marriage what it always should have been. A fairy tale.


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Thank you for understanding you can't give her that letter, or anything like that.

Realize that she has her own letter. It is probay MORE emotional and fed up, and in that letter she makes you look FAR worse than you present her here.

Forget about the scoreboard. Focus on the children first. That means you acknowledge that you W is gone at this time. Show her through your actions that you accept that and that you just want to minimize drama and stay involved with your children.

Then is take that letter and talk to your DB coach about it. You have some work to do before you can talk to your W. I think you're at the point your emotions are so strong you could enter a conversation with good intention and before you know it do or say something that could impact your family forever. Please slow down and be careful.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
I agree, if we were to talk now, I would mistake myself to the end. My brain knows and understands, but my heart is not listening, and until it does - I am not ready.


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Billman, it's statements like these:

"I am sorry for the person you became, as you changed from the person you were."

Until you understand why this shouldn't be in a letter like this or any communication with your W, you should abstain from all R talks period.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
You know I flat out understood that right there as you wrote it. I agree, because she did not change. I did.


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
And yet, that is only part of my point.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
The only logical resolve is that we both changed. I will read and learn more.


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard