Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
25yearsmlc - Wow, how do you choose the threads in which you participate?


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
I wrote myself a letter.

10/22/2014

Here I find what I have done wrong. Through these years I have made my share of mistakes, over and over. They are a burden on me now that I realize the truest of my bad nature.

I have never been a good father. I would not say that I am a bad father, but I did not live or even strive for a potential of good. I have dreams of playing with my children, and fantasies of seeing them smile and loving them with every breath. But I never provided any action to make this happen. I was always too busy doing something, or nothing, else to spend time with them. I was inattentive and unavailable to their needs. I was a distant father.

For the longest time I admitted to myself that I treated my wife like a queen, serviced her every whim, and did all I could to make her happy. I never took note, that all I did was show love; but in all the wrong ways. I did not live up to the ability that was my wife’s expectations. Yes they were high, but I did not even reach for them. I abandoned my own duties and justified myself in why I did nothing. It is not so much that I was lazy, but when I was needed, or was asked, I denied, after saying yes. I let her down time and time again, with an agreement that I broke. Yes I did indeed forget, but I only forgot because I did not hold what she wanted from me with any importance. To her that meant I did not care about her wants and needs. I did not do everything for her as I originally thought. I abandoned her. I was lazy.

I did not want to work; I always told myself that it was because I wanted to be home with my family, to be with them and around them. Yet all the while I was not working, I watched TV, or slept on the couch. I did not take the kids outside to play, and when I did I sat there bored with nothing to do, instead of playing with them. I neglected making money, so that I could be lazy and bored. Then I complained about being bored and broke, when I am the one that placed me in that situation. I was a bad provider.

When it came to intimacy, I always wanted sex and never understood why she did not. I complained at her sex drive, and devalued the reasons she did not want intimacy. I forced myself on her, and did not take time to enjoy the moments; I did not provide the luxury of feeling love and tenderness that is the word intimacy. I was not romantic.

I followed her like a puppy, lost in my life. I had nothing to do for myself, no hobby or play. My every moment while she was around, I was glued to her hip and would not let her breath. I made it always bout spending time with her and being around her. I lost sight of the fact that she couldn’t breathe without my breathing her air. I did not respect her space.

I did not have confidence in my ability to be a good man. I always said you are an idiot for staying with me. I thought I was saying, thank you to her for staying with me even though I was not worth it. I never believed she’d leave me, and thought she’d love me forever – because she said she would. I did not earn her respect or her admiration. I somehow made it okay to do nothing, and expect everything in return. I took her for granted. I did not love myself. I did not earn her love. I did not deserve her.

I am not feeling pity, or remorse for my behavior. Instead I am recognizing my faults and learning how to correct them. I must do this for the sake of my own well being and health. For if I cannot overcome my faults as a person; I will never be a man, to her or anyone.


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
Ok so now that I have established to myself what it was that I have done wrongly, and what things about me need to improve. What is my next step?


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 52
C
CMS Offline
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 52
Originally Posted By: billman12
Ok so now that I have established to myself what it was that I have done wrongly, and what things about me need to improve. What is my next step?


turn them into 180's and find the help needed to better yourself in these areas. Like anything else the first step is admitting and knowing the next step is the process of healing.

Great job and remember your not alone we all have things we are working on. we are all on a journey together even though each one may end up in a different place.


Me 38
WAW 40
S 10
S 5
M 5 years
BD 10/04/14
S 10/04/14
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
Ok and one question . the issues that involved her .. I obviously cannot work on those. So what is suggested on those.


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
I mean that I cannot demonstrate those changes really.


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Don't even worry about demonstrating changes. That's about her behavior. Make the changes for you. Personally there is such a desire to prove we're different it's hard not to show them off and seem pursuing and controlling. For that reason I almost try to minimize/hide my changes. That way I know I am doing hem for me. And if they are real, permanent, and consistent, it will come across in ways you'd never know about. That would be more convincing anyway than making a show of it.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
I need a small amount of guidance please. We have not had word 1 at all since I went to jail last month. Neither of us has tried. On the 27th, we have court for the order of protection. I do not know if she will be there or not. Regarding our kids, should I contact her to see them, or do I still wait for her contact. I believe that waiting for her might make her think I do not "care" about seeing the children. But what she thinks right now does not matter, her world is upside down.

I just do not want to make mistakes, I have no idea what Halloween will bring either.

Also, I have had feelings of giving up. It seems that even though there is an order, i expected she might still have tried to contact me, even for the kids sake, but nothing. I do not want to give up. But after all this self reflection, I wonder if I have done too much damage. I understand that I need to pick myself up, but how do I have hope without giving up, and work through the moments when I feel hopeless?


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
What would you do differently if you gave up?

Would you not try to grow as a person? Would you self medicate by jumping into a rebound relationship? Would you treat you STBX like crap to show her that you don't need her or care about her anymore?

I wouldn't. So what helps me is realizing that since I'm going to do what I feel is both right and best for me regardless of what STBX does, it makes NO DIFFERENCE if I have hope. In fact, the amount that hope is making a difference shows how insincere someone's changes or actions are. Do what's right, take care of yourself. Maybe she'll feel differently and maybe she won't. Stay focused on you.

As for contact, I'd strongly, strongly, strongly ask you consult a DB coach. This is a very vulnerable place for you to be. You are in a low trust situation about to be negotiating your future lives and family structure. To me it seems like a very strategic contact would be beneficial to resuce tension/anxiety prior to those negotiations, but how exactly to do that requires PROFESSIONAL assistance. Too much is at stake.

I'd think a hand written letter stating

-you realize you messed up (not lookin for forgiveness or another chance, just acknowledging you have had a chance to see this, not looking for anything in return such as goodwill back)
-that you wish her the best and she deserves to be happy
-that since you will be coparenting through the children's lives together you are committed to doing better in a coparenting role and want to prevent further drama.
-that while you know that wont change how she feels, it is what she and the children deserve.

Again, don't listen to me. I only am trying to show you how touchy and critical this is to handle perfectly. Call DB today.

Last edited by Zues126; 10/24/14 06:46 PM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 108
what is required to get a DB Coach? Maybe i missed something?


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard