I had a slightly similar situation: my W needed to work (from home) on a holiday and asked if I could babysit the kids. I hesitated a lot because I would have been pleased to see the kids, but I didn't want to save her from her decision to go at it alone. In the end, I told her I needed to work too (true) and I let her hire a babysitter who brought the kids to my apartment. I worked from home part of the day, then at the office, and saw them for lunch and dinner, while she paid a babysitter (and worked unpaid!). I looked flexible, but not a doormat. I might need her too one day.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The idea of very quickly scares me a bit. I do not want to think that I would "understand" too much to fast and miss the finer points. But I have had the precious Bomb situation opened my eyes a lot, it just did not stick well.
I know in my brain what it is I need to do, and I have a fight going on with my heart. My heart wants to love her unconditionally, and my brain affirms that the unconditional also means without her.
I have a heart of magic i think, and sometimes I feel I owe her my life for having "dealt" with me for so long. But I realize i owe her something a bit different, and that is the respect and admiration that is the woman I loved. I neglected that. I pray that some day she comes to understand that regardless of what happens. But my heart still wants her in my life, albeit a bit selfish to only want her as my wife.
I know what I must do. I need reassurance and guidance to move on the right path. And the road to forgiveness, although a difficult one, must be met both ways and treadled confidently and carefully.
I have confidence in my ability to be the man I know I am. I will be that man, for myself. And I dream that she wants that man and will choose to love me because she wants to, not because she needs to.
I looked flexible, but not a doormat. I might need her too one day.
I agree with this. I have come to learn that I need to be available with a limit. This will be perceived by her that the situation is not as optimal as it would be if we were together.
Again, I am not reflecting that as intent, merely as a hopeful observation of what could come of limited availability.
Just curious, what will be going through my wife's mind during the time that the affair begins to end. How will she know and how will she behave. What starts that process where she begins to realize what is happening. From what I have been reading people in the midst of an affair are illogical, addicted, and complete liars; what is the "bomb" for them?
This (below) is an utter waste of time. Worse, it deflects from the real work you have to do, on yourself. Stop that.
I marked the parts of this that you have NO control over and which should not be on your radar at this stage...
Originally Posted By: billman12
Just curious, what will be going through my wife's mind during the time that the affair begins to end. How will she know and how will she behave. What starts that process where she begins to realize what is happening. From what I have been reading people in the midst of an affair are illogical, addicted, and complete liars; what is the "bomb" for them?
Who lied to whom? Why are you SO eager to fault her?
Why aren't you wondering how the heck YOU could have treated her so badly for so long?
Let me put it this way...is there ANY reason for me to post to you anymore?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Why aren't you wondering how the heck YOU could have treated her so badly for so long?
I am, but there is a part of me wondering what it was that i did That badly. I mean the punishment fitting the crime. I fully understand that the affair happened due to my faults, but with all do respect she gave up - when does that become a fault. If an affair is betrayal, then there must be fault on her part.
If I am missing the point I apologize, and I am working on me, this was more of a side curiousness. I will abandon it if that is what is required.
That's the other point, I may have neglected the things I should have done and my responsibilities, but I did not treat her badly, incorrectly perhaps, but not badly.
A DB man (a "left Behind Husband) came here & posted about how he knew he'd been a lousy h. But when his wife found OM, he got his act together and finally made the changes SHE had hoped and waited for, but he had NOT done for years.
HE could not understand why his wife had not yet returned to him, since he'd "done the work".
Then another DB woman here, (a different "WAW") wrote to him. Why don't you see if YOUR wife could have written the letter below.
then maybe you'll stop wondering what she is doing with HER life, or how YOU can try to control her again...and instead, you will stay in your sandbox working on your life, and staying out of her sandbox. And don't play judge or mindreader with her. I don't think you are very good at it and I KNOW it's not fair to her.
Perhaps more importantly, it's also NOT helpful to your situation.
Dig deep and do your work.
FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….
"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. Of course, my H went a step further and cheated, then left, adding an extra crunchy layer of goodness to my sitch.
One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H. Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.
Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.
And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.
Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.
And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to "WIN".
Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to "win".
Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to "win", you'll put her through hell. _________________________ Me: 32, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I need to do more thinking. My question up to this point has been: "Why did she give up?" - I think it should be, "What things have I done that failed her as a husband?".
