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The advice from 25yearsmlc and Zues126 is awesome. I read it as if it were directed to me. Thanks a lot to both of you for taking the time to share.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Maybel, Mozza, thank you for the compliment. I guess words of affirmation are a LL if mine because it warmed me to know that something I said could be valuable, particularly when I'm still early on my journey and getting advice from 25 myself. I don't know if that's me being codependent and needy or simply meeting my own needs wink.

What I can say is this is a great community. It's great to get to know other people's situations, watch them grow, see good things happen. Lets all say a few prayers for bill tonight and welcome him to the family!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Sep 2011
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I agree that all this is overwhelming, and a tad bit of "wow, i really have neglected myself in an unsettling manner".

The more you focus on you the better you'll feel. The more you focus on her the worse you'll feel.

I had a moment there when I did not actually put that perspective on it. Those words right there hit the spot.

It is hard to not have a moment where I miss her, and wish I could still hug her. But I am a bit angry and saddened by everything and Imagine myself walking away from her without turning back. Then I remember, that is not what I want - if I can take a chance at happiness with her as opposed to without her.

One issue I have been having and working on; If i had to make a list of pro's to making this marriage work, I could write a list all day. But I think my key here is to work on a list of what I would do/want for me on the possibility that I don't stand a chance or reconciliation. At this moment, that list is small. I am working on that list - Finding a goal in life that does not involve her was never a consideration before, but now it must be.

I cannot let my fear of losing this marriage control my day to day. I must have a confidence that if I believe that I am that man that she deserves, then that is who I should be; but because that is the man I want to be and should have been - with or without her. A new perspective. A new beginning.

Thank you everyone, please keep it coming, and I will do the same. It's always nice to have new family. smile


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
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Bill- goto my thread (just bumped it) and go back a few pages, check out the goodbye/hello excersize I did and the posts surrounding it. First off, it's proof I'm far from perfect wink. But really, it's a great step that is righ down the alley you're talking about. Good stuff. Best part is- you're doin it for just YOU! Go Bill!!!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Zues126, i read that post:

I'm losing my W, my kids growing up with both parents together, the chance to be married forever to the mother of my children, a lot of faith in love and commitment, my house, part of my income, and a chapter of my life that meant a lot.

I cried a little. because these are things I also would write. I like the Idea. Tomorrow I will write a list and make a reply.

Thank you.

P.S.
Good stuff. Best part is- you're doin it for just YOU! Go Bill!!!

I cried a little again. I feel a bit pansy (all the tears). But I am growing and learning. Nothing is better than moving forward in the right direction.

Last edited by billman12; 10/21/14 06:08 AM.

Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
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good advice here in this thread. I too am reading it as it is directed at me (im pretty sure it already has been but phrased a little different haha).

I absolutely agree that it is VERY hard...i'm struggling myself. As a matter of fact, i don't post in many threads because I feel I'm not really ready to GIVE advice since I'm struggling so badly myself. However, zues and 25 are giving some good points .

and to add to the "meet your own needs", I'm realizing that may be where I started going wrong to begin with as well. I'm reading NMMNG and that is the part that hit me the most. when I meet my wife, i was confident, had friends, did my own thing and shared it with my wife. over the 4 years of our marriage, I neglected my needs thinking that my family and home were more important than what I needed. I realize now that actually built resentment and possibly some anger that I unintentionally took out on my wife indirectly.

I'm struggling with the GAL because I feel obligated to home but am really trying.

oh, don't worry about feeling like a pansy and crying! it's normal. if it didn't bother you or make you feel hurt that would mean there is something wrong with you. I spent the first two months breaking down in tears every day...sometimes several times in a day. Luckily, i'm starting to dry up and have managed to only cry once or twice a week and I try to do it when no one is around .

good luck and work on the detaching < - - that sounds so hypocritical coming from me because it's my biggest struggle


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


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Originally Posted By: Zues126
First I want to pipe in about guys wanting their W to be a good mother. I think it's important, but it can cut both ways if guys feel like the kids are more important (or all important).

FTR, I only spoke to how we women feel about the fathers of our children (and maybe how we'd feel about step dads if applicable) but I said nothing about how men feel towards their women for mothering EXCEPT in response to someone. I have 5 brothers and a h and an adult son. All of THEM say it's "damn important" and in a moment of candor my h said that if was dating an OW and she wasn't "great with our kids, she'd be out the door."

My brothers seem to feel the same; and in at least 2 cases my brothers wanted to marry women who were good with their kids and that was THE priority as far as I could tell. Right nor wrong, that's how I saw them.

But it's hardly a random sample.


As for this sitch, trust 25, but be careful to read her words carefully about interacting with your W. remember, if it sounds like you are telling your W you've changed to get what YOU want it is controlling and pursuing. If you let her see that you've changed naturally it is better.

Gosh I hope this^^ is obvious. I stated more than once, NOT to ever discuss the changes, but to demonstrate them (in so many words)

(except to say that, "if you could do things all over again, there are lots of things you'd do differently",

--which I explained, & which is Not = to telling your w that you are "all better now, come home.") .

I hope you'll notice the same words in DB. I did not make them up, although I happen to strongly agree with them.

Especially with your history of separating and then not changing - but reconciling anyhow---yeah, you must walk the walk. NO talking the talk...okay?


Personally I let her see that I had realized the error of my ways, but didn't talk too much about my changes. She commented about those on her own not much later.

really get the point that this is ABOUT YOU, FOR YOU. In a perverse way you have no shot at a good relationship with you W until you can live without her.

this^^ is weirdly true.
You can't NEED her the way you seem to, to get her back long term.

Like her being your SOLE friend -- that is just way too much work to expect of one person.

It's like you are telling her "Hi, you are my mate, my co-parent and my bff and my lover, and my wife and a daughter in law to my parents, and my confidante-

and I don't have enough energy or time or knowhow to help enough with the kids so that is on you, too, but hey, "WE" have a lot of things to talk about

b/c my needs are still not all completely being met by all by You
. So when can I tell you where you are failing?"

[color:#3333FF]You must make some friends. You have to see the value in others (as I wrote that line, it hit me that maybe you really do Not like most people, and therefore...what? YOU don't have to be like the rest of us and "get along"? I think you have to do just that).
[/color]
Sorry, there is no chance you can avoid the entire grieving process if you play your cards right. That's the 'bargaining' phase of acceptance. That's why it's so important to focus on you. The more you focus on you the better you'll feel. The more you focus on her the worse you'll feel.

Last point (i was going to post on my thread but maybe it's better here) is GAL. I had other critical 180s, and personally I thought GAL was overrated because I did a lot on my own before BD.

But I've learned GAL is about something more important and relevant to your sitch- it is about you meetin your own needs. 25 said this, and it is so right. The more you meet your own needs the more you can do all of this: focus on you, let go of her, demonstrate change, and be a confident man she can admire. I'm assuming you have some fears/discomforts about having friends as that is unusual. Maybe start with a councelors to get help for that. Or another approach is to start in an area you are comfortable (if you are great at chess join a chess club so you have something in common and have a reason to feel confident).

Lots of advice, probably overwhelming. But make sure to follow sandis and 25's rules when you're interacting with W, and for when you're on your own take small daily steps. This isn't about your W anymore. It's a path you'll be on for you for the rest of our life. Welcome aboard, good luck, and may you find comfort soon.



AMEN!!! ^^^


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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I'd like some input on my thoughts:

At one point I told myself that the biggest mistake I could make would be enabling her to spend time with the OM. For instance. If she calls me up and asks me to spend some time with the kids so that she could "go out", I felt I should say no if it meant to spend time with him.

Than I started thinking. The errors of this in my opinion: I am rejecting her decision by trying to keep them apart - my fighting against what she "wants". She will see that as me denying time with the kids and controlling her decisions, the kids as a tool. She's going to find a way anyway, and more fuel on the fire to affirm her decision to leave.

I have considered that the best option, is to spend as much time with the kids - period. Regardless of what she is doing - because they are my children and I want to be the best father I can. And this will come with perks (for added benefit, not for purpose).

Perks: knowing my prior inattentiveness with them, while on her "date" she will spend more time wondering how they are than enjoying the date. She may talk more about the children (and/or) me when with him - which he would not like. The kids will express what a fun time they had with daddy, and she will become jealous - I say this because her "addiction" to the OM has her spending less time with the kids (as I heard from her brother).

Again I am not using the kids, I seriously miss them and want to be better with them - regardless of what she is doing/thinking. I just believe that it has an air of reverse psychology to it. She will see my wanting to spend time with the kids and my seemingly "okay" attitude toward her being with the OM as confusing. She predicts my behavior to "fix us", to "stop" her seeing the OM, and this should confuse her or allow her to believe that I am accepting this situation.

Regardless of the outcome, I am going to spend all the time I can with them. But it is a good motivator to believe it should have a positive impact for us in time. And that it might "stress" their time together.


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
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I'm curious what advice you'll get from the vets. To me, it seems you shouldn't think of it in ways of controlling her. With our WAW, we set boundaries, but we don't make choices in order to ruin their relationships or the fun they're having without us. We'll be part of the problem again. If you really want to spend time with your kids, you should go for it. You'll have a better time. Ask yourself: would I spend this time with the kids if we were back together? If the answer is yes, you're making real change in the right direction. You're becoming the involved dad that she's looking for. Again, let's see what the vets have to say.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Yes, your response tells me I may have still came of like I was doing this as a ruse or that my intention was reverse psychology. I did not intend that. You said "Ask yourself: would I spend this time with the kids if we were back together?" and the answer would be yes. This needs to be done, for the sake of my being a father, and to make up for my lack of attention to them in the past. I think I was looking for an agreement that the "side effects" were in good possibility as a result of doing the right thing.


Me: 34
Her: 30
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D9,D6,S4
Bomb 1: 07/24/2011
Repaired: 11/01/2011
Bomb 2: 08/26/2014
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