Last night at d13 volleyball game, I had the denied insurance claim for xh's lab work (no longer under my coverage & wtf is the lab work for??!!!)
OK, so he was at the game. All in his pink garb (dress shirt that he would have NEVER worn before!) I sat very far away. I wanted to give him this claim. Maybe as an f u, you aren't on my insurance, buddy. And, yeah, I know what you are doing (even though I don't, nor do I really care).
So, I mustered up the courage and walked over. Whenever xh has stuff to give me, he brings it to the game and gives it to one of my kids to give me. I'm not a coward like that. He was sitting on the top bleacher. I walked all the way across the gym (I think there was music playing in the background from some intense move sound track- nawww... that was in my head.)
I walked right up the bleachers. He didn't even really look at me until I stood right in front of me. I saw him looking, then looking away pretending I wasn't there. I stood right in front of him and looked at him dead in the face until he made eye contact. Then I held out the folded up papers, he took them and I walked away. I sat down on the bottom bleacher in front of him (I was waiting for d13) I was shaking like crazy! What is that?! I was with this man for almost 20 years. And it's like that?! Shaking like a leaf! I didn't let him see me sweat, though. Then d13 came over and he talked to her for a second (I bolted) and she said, "I gotta go. I'm late for a concert." He was like, "What??" and she left.
He was probably thinking that I was taking her out. Ha ha.. he was going home to his boring house with a 2-year-old and a pregnant skank.
So I drove to the city and dropped d13 off with some friends. They went to the concert and she spent the night with them. S17 was home. On my way home from the city, I remembered that my friends were getting together for a clothing thing. I was invited, but didn't think I'd make it. But I went. 180 and GAL for me! They were happily surprised when I walked in.
We had a great time! A girl from Texas was there showing off a clothing line. She had racks of high-end clothes and we were trying them on. We had a blast. Tons of laughing and a little wine.
The girl who was from Texas was an amazing woman. She was beautiful, sweet, loving. She is recently married and told me that she had been married for 20 years and her xh had an affair and how it devastated her and how she got through it. She was great. I talked to her a little bit about my sitch. She was sweet and said, "I can't believe anyone would leave you! You are so funny! You are beautiful and I can tell what a great person you are!" That's always nice to hear. Even though I have a hard time believing it.
So as my family weeds our way through this confusing time in our lives, we are bonding together in a new way. We are revising the dynamic of our family. The trio. The three amigos.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I was shaking like crazy! What is that?! I was with this man for almost 20 years. And it's like that?! Shaking like a leaf!
Haha. I'm not sure what it is. I was like that for a very long time after XW left, but it got better with time. Everytime I had to see her or talk to her, I got that way. I was probably like that for about the first 18 months - 2 years. I'm not an expert, but it might be a form of anxiety. Just my two cents.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Yep, I still get a sinking feeling as well. I think it's revulsion or something
I saw my ex the other day. My GF and I were headed to a party and had to stop at the store for some fresh shrimp. My ex was just ahead of us as we walked in. I still get that feeling a little. For a second. Until I remember that, hey, I'm not the one that lost their mind, had an affair, walked out on the kids, and harassed my ex ever since like a high-school loser. What the heck do I have to be worried about??
So after the brief moment, I went on about my business. I didn't even notice her stalking us throughout the store. My GF did and only commented on it a few days later.
What I'm getting at is that it's normal that you feel that way (a lot of trauma caused by him) and you'll need to remind yourself you have nothing to feel awkward about and nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to him. That's his deal
In time...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I am so sick of living like this! I am so tired of dealing with this nonsense. I am over feeling hurt. This is so lame. I hate that I have to see him. I am annoyed that I always have to deal with his aftermath. This is so hard. Seeing him is killing me. He is a S.O.B! I think he is going out of his way to hurt me even more now. Why? Why would someone who was supposed to love me and protect me want to cause me so much pain? I just don't get it.
I had such a good weekend. I GAL all weekend. I felt free. But I just keep getting sucked back into the pain. I don't know how to make it stop. I am so freaking over it!
I saw this mutter fudder tonight. Maybe I am wrong, but I really feel like he wants to prove to me that he is so happy or something. He literally sat down at the game, right in front of me and started texting right away. Then he moved bc my mom and her friend were there.
I went out after d13's game to the foyer to work concessions for the varsity game. He came out a little after me. I was literally right outside the gym doors. He was ALREADY on the phone, talking! He was looking right at me and walking and smiling on the phone, like he was the man. Every time... as soon as he gets there... texting... and as soon as he leaves. Now he was talking! He doesn't have any friggin friends- it's so obvious it her!
But the way he came walking out- like he was king of the earth. Looking right at me, walking like he was saying, "F U, Mighty!" Then he walked past my mom and her friend and actually said hi to my moms friend. Smiled like Joe Cool and waved and said hi! I just saw her cringe at him! She was so uncomfortable.
What a jerk. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Pompous a$$. F,F,F! I hate that this baby is coming!!! I HATE IT! Maybe once it's here, I will just have to accept it. How am I ever going to be able to see that? UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tad, kml, AJ- I am not looking forward to dealing with this for so long. I may jet after d13 graduates. I can't stand it. PTSD- totally. I am much better off when I don't have to deal with seeing him.
It's easier said than done, I know. But you have to let that stuff roll off your back like water on duck feathers.
There is a trick I used to help me when I was going through some bad chit with my xh, (the father of my 4 kids is h#1, different than MLC H).
Xh was different in some ways from your H. But this still may help.
Xh was very intimidating. Menacing. Abusive in covert ways.
He would often look me square in the eyes, and smile while he did evil things.
He knew it got to me, and that was his payoff. It worked, again and again.
The trick I used, was I started to envision him as a two year old having a tantrum. I would mentally play out the crazy stuff he did that day, as I went to sleep, and envision a two year old doing and saying those things instead. It wasn't far off....
What it did, tho, was allow me to stop being scared of him. I'm not scared of a two year old who doesn't get his way. I'm stronger than that. He looks like an idiot. It helped me bring him down. That perspective and approach allowed me to stop being bothered by his nonsense and games.
Your xh is acting like a little 4 year old kid with a lollipop in his mouth, taking it out and showing it off to the people who don't have one. Even if that kid hates the flavor, his goal is to pi$$ off the other kids.
Then there is a payoff for the kid to have that attention.
Your xh seems to want your attention, even negative. That's really pathetic.
Quote:
But the way he came walking out- like he was king of the earth. Looking right at me, walking like he was saying, "F U, Mighty!" Then he walked past my mom and her friend and actually said hi to my moms friend. Smiled like Joe Cool and waved and said hi! I just saw her cringe at him! She was so uncomfortable.
I read that, and tried to imagine how many seconds of your attention ^^^^that took to happen.
More seconds than looking the other direction? Walking somewhere else? Looking down at your phone and keeping your attention elsewhere?
It appears he may be getting his payoff while you watch his actions? Idk.
You're too busy to notice, remember?
Mighty, xh doesn't deserve the air you breathe. Truly, he doesn't.
Remember how you thought of that bratty little 4 year old when you were, like....9? The nine year old doesn't care. That 4 year old kid is just immature. 9 year old would probably laugh shaking her head...and walk away. Whatevs.
Besides...xh doesn't even have a lollipop. He's waving his doggie doo doo around and trying to make people jelly. Puh. Leeeezze.
I'm glad you vent. Maybe start putting some energy into challenging yourself when you see xh? Use the opportunity to see how looking at xh as a little kid, ridiculous brat might help?
Hey Shining. Thanks. You are right. And trust me... I don't look that long. I just happened to look up and he was looking dead at me. I turned right away. It was as he walked past, a few seconds later that I heard him say hi, I happened to look up and catch the back of him as he was "greeting" my mom's friend. The poor lady. She looked like she was going to puke on him.
Great analogy with the lollipop (or doggie doo doo). That's exactly how it feels. He's a jerk. I just don't know why he wants to try to rub it in. I don't ever give him the satisfaction of showing him he bothers me at all. He doesn't even deserve the energy of my rage. It still hurts.
I think I am realizing where my emotions are coming from. It's the finality of it all. Everything was so quick. I was dbing. I had hope of a future together. One phone call and it was over. A 2 minute phone call. Nothing was really said that had anything to do with us. It was about them. That ended us. But it was about them.
Now I am really realizing that it is over. I haven't fully accepted it. But I'm starting to. It is a lot to take in. That and the baby sitch.
All that is hard enough to deal with. To have him rub it in does not make it any easier. But I am getting there. I just have my moments.
Thanks for your ever-giving support. Good luck on day two.
If it makes you feel any better, the fact that he is trying to rub it in tells me that (a) he is a really messed up person; (b) he is trying too hard to prove he is happy, which leads me to believe he is not; and (c) he still has some feelings for you deep down and they are coming out in this bizarre way.
I didn't expect my world to disintegrate either. Just prior to June, I was so happy and secure, and now I will never be the same again and my future is gone. It's so cruel and unfair. The ironic thing is that my fiance met the OW on a plane in January - on a flight he would have missed if I HAD NOT RUSHED HIS PASSPORT TO THE AIRPORT WHEN HE FORGOT IT...
Now he is the coldest person - he just totally detached from me and our life. He won't even see our dog who he adored, because I think he is afraid to feel...
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Methinks he doth protest too much - seems like he's putting on a show to make you think he's doing ok.
How about next time, YOU be the one texting and giggling over your responses? Talking on the phone? (To the time lady, if she still exists, or whoever). I'd love to see his reaction if it REALLY looked like you were moving on lol.
Look, the bottom line is, he HAS to make this look good, otherwise he looks like the idiot he is for giving everything up that he had. To be with a woman WHO PROBABLY ISN'T EVEN CARRYING HIS BABY!!! I'm still waiting for the DNA tests once that baby comes out. No, it's not impossible for it to be his, but the odds are still against it.
Hmm.. Yes, much too much. Kind of like HS and you want your ex significant other to notice you having fun.
I told ya, Mighty, mine did similar. Went way out of her way to do it. Still does if she gets the chance. Wants me to know just how "happy" she is. Or what a great parent she is. Or how she's "normal" and the "victim" etc.
Does it really make sense to argue with somebody with that capability to reason? Or rather, the lack of capability?
He's a nutter. You cannot argue with a nutter. You'd be better off arguing with a red rubber ball and spitting in the wind. Both can be entertaining, but you will not succeed in doing anything but wasting your time, my dear.
KML is spot on. He has to make it look good (to whom?) else he is a big fool. And he knows it.
Want to really get even with him?
Live a great life without giving him any thought. It's the best revenge ever
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Zimmie, thanks for stopping in. I know that sometimes I let my thoughts get carried away by my emotions. Perspective. That's what helps me deal. That's why I come here. Your: a,b,c examples, they gave me perspective. For that, I thank you.
And the passport thing.... grrrrrr. That stinks. But I have to have faith that we are put on this path for a reason. Whatever it is. So, I have to think the same for you. As much as that hurts, and does not take away the sting, and as much as you wish you could intervene with this crazy train... or have derailed it's path before it hit Loonyville.... But I think it was destined to go there regardless of what we did. Sorry you are here.
kml- I like the way you think. And I've gotta say... it has crossed my mind a few times to show up at one of these places with a super hot guy. Not that I would with my kids, but the funny thing is that my kids would be happy. Wouldn't that be super sweet for him to see me with a hot guy and my kids hanging with him too! Especially since hww is not at all welcome by my kids. They want me to get with someone. I have to explain to them that I need time. But at least I can envision it! The look on his face... would he be king of the earth to see another man with his family?
"I'm still waiting for the DNA tests once that baby comes out," says kml.
Well you and me both! I wonder if there are others here on the edge of their seat. Is there a pool going? Am I the Jerry Springer drama of the site? Oh man.....
AJ, your post made me crack up. It brought me back to reality (as laughing does that for me). "He's a nutter." I just love that. I am always going to think of that line when I have to be in his presence. That is what is going to keep me grounded. Hopefully.
I do have a little reprieve. S17's playoff game is Friday. The chances of them winning is slim to none (sorry, bud). But, it is 2 hours away. Doubt if xh will make it. (I don't think he went to s17's game on Sat. They are still on the outs, but that is so immature. S17 got an amazing TD and he was so excited.) At least he could read about it in the paper!
D13's last volleyball game was last night. A couple weeks before next season's basketball games start up.
Let's see what the break will bring. There has been no contact since Friday. That's the longest in awhile. I know it is very bland and blah... and "official" (unnecessary communication, if you ask me). But as of late, xh has been contacting me daily or every couple. This is a record for a bit now.
Things are a-changin'! Don't know how or why... to be continued.
I soooooo wish I could see those pics!!!!!!! That is AWESOME! Did he ask about me?
I'm OK. Today is 1 year from bd. Boooooooo!
I've been busy with kids. Did lots of GAL over the weekend. Wooo hoooo....
Been riding the emotional rollercoaster. You know, that nauseating ride that I can't totally get off from. Or you know, after riding all day at the amusement park, when you go to bed, you still feel like you are riding it. I think that's what's happening. The after affects.
Soooo... how's the job? So exciting. You got lot's going on, girl! That's awesome. And putting your mind on the thing you should- you (and all your gloriousness)!
Haha!!!! Yeah....DG was asking....he wanted me to give you an old flannel shirt of Kurt's?? Idk.... He got a little stalker-ish and weird, like woogie in Something about Mary.....so I had to set the boundary. As usual.. >sigh<.
A year, huh.....dang.
A lot is going on, M....it would be weird if you weren't feeling any of it. You're so ridiculously strong, whether you see it or not. Strong doesn't mean you don't get sad and stressed.... It means you do exactly what you're doing. You're here, posting, venting, and DANG!!!! Helping others!!!! You friggin rock! I've read what you write to some new DBer's. Remember how scary the beginning was?? And you, with everything else, are reaching out to help them in the most desperate of days.
That's some tough a$$ stuff, Mighty. It's a gift. You're really good at it. REALLY good.
Helping them has to make you feel kinda good, right?
Wwwwwhhhhaaaaatttttt????? Shining, really, that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. I appreciate it.
I try to give my support, because I do know how tough it is at the beginning. It makes my heart hurt. Sometimes it is too hard to read. But, I don't know... people probably wonder why the heck I would give advice when I'm so screwed up. I know what has helped me, so I try to offer that.
I texted xh tonight to let him know that I'd paid a lot of $ for d13's Frozen costume for the Homecoming Parade. She is trying to talk him into buying her a superhero costume for Halloween. After I purchased the "parade" costume, she said she'd use it for Halloween, since it was rather pricy.
I let him know, I said:
me: I'm sure d13 is trying to talk you into a costume. I bought her a $75 Frozen costume for the parade. It's up to you, but she can wear that as far as I'm concerned.
xh: ok. Thanks
I don't like my kids trying to "work it". We wouldn't allow that if we were together. He has always been the "push-over" as far as purchases are concerned. I don't want to raise my kids like that. If he wants to contribute, I'd rather it was towards the contacts and glasses both of the kids currently need. We will see!
HA! I think I get a daily reminder of what an idiot I am.
This morning I was running late (as usual). I jumped into my friends car (we are carpooling), and was trying to get myself together. I hadn't even had any coffee yet. My brain does not function with out it. Really. It doesn't.
So it was 7am, and since I was running late... so were my kids. I'm the rooster of the house. (If you can imagine a decrepit, tired, sad, old rooster. One who has begrudgingly woken up daily, much earlier than ever wanted. Yeah, I'm that kind of rooster in the morning- an unreliable one. Like "Herbie doesn't like to make toys!" This rooster doesn't like to call!)
I hopped in my friends car and said, I've got to make sure s17 is up, since he was still upstairs when I left.
I call:
me: You up?
s17: Yeah
me: Are you going to take my car today?
s17: What?
me: Are you going to take my car today?
s17: Mighty! (words start coming out, but I don't hear them... I panic and look at my phone.)
me: Je... Cr...! (which I never say, but I was flabbergasted!)
CLICK!
AAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WASN'T S17!!! Can you guess? Yup. DARTH! (as Shining previously referred to him- Darth Vader- I love that) It was XH!
I totally hung up. I didn't know what to say and panicked. Oops. My bad. So much for him not hearing my voice.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
Oh, Mighty, I can totally imagine the look on your X’s face when you show up to your kids’ games with a super hot guy. I would want to be that fly on the wall. Oh, wait, on the stadium stand…
I’m with kml, I can’t wait for that DNA test.
You are amazing! You are managing to pull through all of this. I cannot even imagine to be in your sitch.
Your last phone call… So funny… I’m curious if your x is going to wonder who was suppose to take your car, LOL.
Waiting for the updates
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Or he may be thinking I actually was calling s17, but wondering where the heck I was. Why I didn't need a car? And why wouldn't I know if s17 wasn't up? Wasn't I home to get them up?
I don't think he knows I carpool now, and I leave earlier than I used to. He must have been so confused. (Or didn't think twice.)
I think it's funny. Let him wonder. But no, I wouldn't clarify if asked. Just "Oops! My bad. Wrong number. Sorry!"
I had a pretty good day. I feel like I am starting to come out of the funk I was in for a little while. I'm not sure what sent me back, exactly. I guess dealing with the reality of my sitch. I don't know how many time I will go back into that funk, but I can't wait until it stops. Yesterday was pretty good, today was better.
I have to admit. The past few weeks have been a little tough. I know my friend's passing triggered something too. It was difficult to come out of. It's like I get these depressive symptoms or something.
And what stresses me is grocery shopping. I am so afraid of running into them. I go so long sometimes before I make it there... we have to get creative with dinners. My poor kids. It's bad. The guilt I feel. There are some areas that I really have to work on. Things would be so much better if they were far away... or at least further.
(Self, stop digressing... back to the good!) <<<<< That is what I really have to do. Talk to myself all the time!
I can feel myself on the come-back and looking forward to things. I feel really good being independent. I like finding myself without input from anyone. At all. I do have people I can trust and confide in, but I don't like people pressuring me as to what I should do/feel/act... that kind of stuff. I talked to my mom about this. She is wonderful, but I do tell her to stop when I feel pressure from her. Today, for example, she was talking to me and said something. I just sighed. She said, "Do you want me to leave?" I said, "NO. I just don't want you to tell me what I should do." She respects that and drops it. I have been clear about it. And she has been through a lot herself, so she gets it.
XH called d13 today. I could hear his voice. That gets to me. It still makes me spin a little. I wish it didn't bother me. I don't want him in my head anymore.
Forget it. I just can't anymore. I deleted my post. I had a question for the vets. I am just so tired of my focus on him. On her. Over it.
It was really about how I'm good, but how to get past these things that linger. But as I type them out, I realize I just continue to give it more thought and energy. Poo poo to that.
I need more excitement in my life. That's what I'm looking for.
I'm not the vet you're looking for....lol......there's that whole "vet" part missing. Minor detail.
BUT!! You're looking for excitement? Come see meeeeeeee!!!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not exciting....
BUT- we could certainly look for it together??
Ok, Might, I'm proud of you. That post above? Look at you. Rising above like the exquisite lady of grace that you are....
I get the curiosity. It's natural. You can't NOT have it sometimes.... And I see you're doing an awesome job noticing and getting the hekk outa that.
I mean....who ARE you??
Hey.....good question.....who are you? Did you do that stuff with the questions and lists and such? Or is that taking a break for now? I have no opinion on what is best (refer to top of post where it says "vet" part missing)....
Mighty, you are kinda tough on yourself sometimes, ya know? I mean this is some really rough stuff you are dealing with here.
You are human. You are going to go up and down and around sometimes. There will be good days and bad days. You just dont want to live in the bad ones.
I know you are really stressed about the baby being born. I can understand that.
As far as your xh is concerned..truly happy people dont have to act a fool. They just live their life, right?
But who cares what the heck he is feeling? Not you, because you are living your life. .
Let them blow in the wind. They have to live their truth and good luck to them when they do.
You get to keep walking your journey. You are pretty freakin amazing, M. You will get through this in your wonderful Mighty way. Him...well, that's a train wreck. Get out of the way of it.
Oh and I want in on a trip to see Shining...just sayin.
In Ohio, I did that quite a bit. It was an extra $8 and actually saved me money because it was easier for me to stick to my budget. In the store, I have a tendency to throw in a million things I see, but don't really need. Just a thought?
Mighty, we need to get together.
Oh! And, 1D is coming to Buffalo! I may be able to use my Press Pass to get backstage. I'm going to check and see. I think our D's would be helpful to each other...not to mention you and me :-)
It's beautiful around here and there's lots to do...or we could meet halfway...Rochester? Syracuse?
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Your thoughts and feelings are absolutely normal. I relate to what you are saying. Accept that you will not always feel that way. And fwiw i also relate absolutely to what you posted on tad's thread.
I think of it in the sense of 'disproportionate response' . OK our marriages were not perfect, OK they were not happy (although voicing this might have been helpful), but was our xh's response to that situation reasonable?
A good friend of mine (who was married to a man whose first affair partner was a bipolar, bisexual drug addict who used to beat him up - she said her life turned into the Jerry Springer show almost overnight)) now gets messages from him, eight years on, and re-married, about how unhappy he is. She is having a hard time taking it all seriously at this stage.
Anyway she went to a divorce care class in the early days, and said the class had a real dividing line between (the majority) those whose marriages had come to end, and those (a minority) whose partners appeared to be having a MLC. Those whose marriages were ending, both partners had varying degrees of sadness, concern for the other, and a sense of responsibility for their part in it. Those divorcing/being divorced by apparent MLCers saw their spouses trying to get as much as they could with no concern whatsoever for the on-going welfare of their wife and family. The WAS were expected to carry the whole responsibility for the demise of the marriage.
I do believe that there is such a thing as MLC. Some people may hide behind this in varying degrees to avoid their own responsibility, but what I largely see here is a wish to grow, learn and try and build some sort of co-parenting relationship with the MLCer.
The one thing I would like after all of this time would be for my xh to take some responsibility for his part, and sit down and discuss it rationally, with an impartial third party of his choosing if he preferred it. I have tried to take responsibility for my contribution to the demise of my marriage, and keep dialogue open. I have failed totally in this. I do not want reconciliation but I would like us to be able to talk about shared concerns, about our adult children, and health issues etc, as we get older. It would be nice. Honestly I am tired of the blame.
kml, I am working on that. You are so right. I have also been trying to replace my thoughts of reality. For example, sometimes I think about how he allowed another woman to come into our marriage and have a say in it. That kills me. I can see events that changed, obviously, because of her selfish wants. But, then I try to replace those thoughts with the terrible things he has said or done. That is such a turn-off. I think that I want to stay so far away from that mess. Then, I NEED THE STOP SIGN- to totally remove myself from thoughts of him!
Good idea!
Heather- ordering groceries is a good idea! I did go the other day, at an operable time. It felt good. I just can't allow them to dictate my life anymore. They should be the ones hiding. But they aren't, and I have to accept that. If I come across them, I have to be prepared. (I do need training for quick and rapid responses to different scenarios. Seriously.)
bea, thanks for your response. I had to take a deep breath after reading it. Not sure why, but some things hit ya in the chest. First, thanks for the support on tad's thread. I felt a little misunderstood. But in the end, it was a very productive discussion, and it did give me some things to think about. That is so interesting to hear about your friend's experience. There is a definite line. And sometimes I feel like people who go through d (without dealing w mlc) don't totally get it. They think things are the same as just getting a d. It isn't. (And I've made the same Jerry Springer reference, myself!)
I also find it interesting that you friend's x is now contacting her and telling her these things. What a rollercoaster ride this is. Truly. Eight years on and it can still be emotional. I guess that's why detachment is so important, but it's like a chronic illness that you always have to deal with on some level or another.
I agree about the desire to have a conversation like the one you stated. It would be healthy and productive. I don't know that it will ever happen.
And another thing... I don't wish ill will for xh. I really don't. But is it bad that I do for their r? Like really badly...
Oh--whoa, whoa! Heather! I almost forgot the most important part! 1D. Ummm... yeah... apparently d13 got the update on her phone at school that they were coming to Buffalo. She was so excited. She said that if I got her front row tickets, it would be her Christmas present for the rest of her life and I would never have to get her another one. Ha!
So if you come to the concert, you guys are more than welcome to stay here with us! We could make a weekend of it!
OK, sooooo.... when are we gonna meet up? Are Saturdays good for you? They are best for me. Unless it is like Veteran's Day or something. I could do a weekday after school, around dinner time. I'd leave right from work, bc I work in that direction.
OK, so here is where my head has been the past few days...
I am hoping that this is the upswing. I have had a few good days. I am accepting things as they are, and being OK.
uR, you said you think I'm hard on myself. I think that is interesting. I feel like as much as I make progress, I tend to regress. I don't want to do that. I feel like something is wrong with me that I go back to this place which is hard to get out of. I have this place of total devastation. I try to stay far away from that abyss of despair. Sometimes if [censored] me in... it can be hard to muddle my way out.
I am not going to get into these thoughts which suck me in. OK, I think this may be a little progress. Before I would have listed many examples of the weighted thoughts which invade my mind. Not even gonna go there. Once I start one, they come flooding in. So... I will cautiously step away from the land mine.
This is what I need to focus on right now. As I mentioned before that I need strategic planning and training for how I will address unexpected sightings/communication with these people. Still haven't seen hww. Thank God! I did have a dream about her the other night. The first one in which she was actually a present figure. (Thank goodness there isn't a thread for analyzing or interpreting dreams!) Anyway, in my dream I confronted her in a very non-aggressive, rational, calm way. So not me! It actually gave me hope that I could handle it. I had a vision, if you will, of myself handling the situation. OK, feel better. But who knows what will actually happen. This is why I need training.
And I mean it. You know, soldiers have training to deal with stressful, sudden situations. They know how to respond and react. Put their learned skills into action. I need this!
Here is what happened Friday night: S17 had his last football game. It was a play-off game, 2 hours away. D13 and I went. We were about 20 min from home on the north side of the city. It was rush hour. Traffic was terrible all the way to the south side. We were on the congested highway and a car next to us started beeping. D13 look at me and said, "What the heck are they beeping at?" I look and saw the truck. I was like, no way. I said, "I think that's your dad." She looked. Yup. Right next to us in rolling, bumper to bumper traffic. I asked if he was with anyone. She said, yeah, Uncle Idiot (not really the words she used).
I felt my anxiety go through the freaking roof! Panic! I did not want to drive two hours side-by-side next to these morons. (By the way- xh and his bro really didn't have the best r. BIL is a total jerk, ignorant, trashy, disrespectful, piece... He and xh had nothing in common- Ha! I guess they have a lot in common now! But the thought crossed my mind, that's pretty much all he has to hang out with now. BIL and hww, and hww can't do anything related with my kids)
Anyway, xh rolled down his window and started saying something and waving, all excited. Not me. I was like Mohammed Ali with a car. I was bobbin' and weavin' right down the highway. I hit the gas and was the jerk on the highway in a rush to get past everyone. I was so gone. Never saw him again during our drive. Not even in the rear-view mirror. And what made me so happy... I had the Easypass. Xh never wanted to get one and was really weird about it. (Probably though people would see where he was driving) It was one of my first purchases I made when he left. It never felt better to zip through those tolls knowing that it would put me that much further ahead. Yes! Best purchase ever!
So we get there about 25 min early. Only problem.... it was not where we thought. We were in a dark, empty parking lot. People in this town were more than sketchy. And they had no idea how to give directions. One lady told me to got right there to the parking lot which was empty and clearly not where I was supposed to be... and she was looking at it while saying it. So I was soooooo frustrated. We had all this technology, gps, two iphones, and it just kept saying the wrong thing. 20 minutes went by, and I was getting so frustrated. And I wanted to get into the stadium and sit down without worries of xh. See... his presence just makes my anxiety skyrocket. So as we were sitting in this dark empty parking lot, guess who pulls in. XH. Are you friggin kidding me???????
I zoomed right out. Gone. Didn't know where I was going, but I wasn't going to stay there. I know he would have wanted to discuss where we were supposed to go. Grrrrr.......
Well, we found it. S17's team got crushed. He was sad, so were all the other seniors. End to an era.
One more thing... yesterday, xh told d13 they would go get her costume. I had communicated with him that I had purchased one for her, but it was up to him if he wanted to get her another one. He told her he would.
She told me that she did not want to go with him or see him, but she wanted the costume.
He texted her yesterday around 11:30 and asked if she wanted to go that day. She said yes, but she was just leaving her friend's house. He said OK and to let her know whenever she wanted to go that day. (he said to call him, which she was annoyed and only wanted to text him)
She got ready and about 1PM she called. He wouldn't answer the phone. I heard her talking to s17 about it. He said, do what he does and send, "helllllllllllloooooooooo" a million times.
She said, I'm just gonna keep on calling. Which she did. Eventually he contacted her. I think through text. He told her he was with his mom and couldn't go then.
This made me sick. First, she lives 2 hours away and he wouldn't have been there yet. And for him to say let me know, the take off two hours away. It was such bs. Totally. And he didn't answer his phone?! He has Bluetooth connected, so obviously doesn't even want hww to hear his conversations with his own daughter. (And I was fighting off the toxic thoughts of hww and her son seeing my mil and all that crap. But xh very rarely sees his mom. And she is very poor and lives in the city with lots of crime. I wonder how hww likes that with her son- but who knows, they were probably with her friggin mom- or shopping for cribs- who knows, who cares... toxic thoughts- BE GONE!)
It really boils my blood. I felt so bad for d13. But, as always, she had 19 million plans with 19 million people. He called her that evening and said he was home and asked her to go. She said no, she was busy.
Oh yeah, as she was texting him and he said he couldn't go. I said well I will take you and he can pay me back. That was quickly shot down. I think I wanted to make a point that I would put d13 first, as I always do. Not blow her off.
Yeesh. I can't believe you saw xh on the highway like that. Ok, actually I can. Because why not. Why not have the least desirable thing happen?
It must be difficult to deal with this stuff when it affects your D13. When you hear the "I'm at MIL" excuse, it's easy to dissect the probability of that being bs.
MLC: Believe none of what they say.
As the rational ones, we try to 'chuck' the plans communicated by xh into the no-expectations box.
So, we can roll with it a bit, knowing they are in crisis. They'll do whatever they feel they need to do at any given moment, regardless of what they previously said they would do.
The kids, tho....dang. It must feel not great for them. No way around that. And as the wonderful mom you are, of course you want your D13 to have a decent R with her dad. Who wouldn't?
Except he can't be counted on. He just cannot. So D13 continues to be let down by him. And it's got to be killing you to see that. I see you wanting to make up for xh failures, Mighty. To protect D13's heart. Because that's what we want for our kids.
So, when xh promises stuff, and falls through....where's Mighty? I don't blame ya, my friend. I can't say I would do any differently in your shoes.
It's hard. I have to consciously try to keep expectations at zero. I still catch myself doing the mind reading. I'm not sure that ever goes away completely or not.
You know what we need to do, Mighty? You and me have to try to remember, that We really don't know. Unless it happens in front of us? We're just making up a story in our heads.
I was wondering, M, do you think it may help to step back for a sec, and separate what is fact?
For example:
FACTS XH told D13 yesterday they would go get costume XH asked her at 11:30 if she wanted to go that day D13 wasn't ready yet XH said let him know D tried calling at 1pm XH didn't answer for a while When XH contacted D13, the plan changed, XH was no longer going.
^^^^ that's really all you know.
Ok, bear with me.....back to this:
MLC: Believe none of what they say.
And now back to this:
XH told D13 yesterday they would go get costume.
Follow me?
What I'm getting at, is that unless and until they are actually in the car driving to and arriving at the store, it still may or may not happen. No matter what XH said at one time.
That is keeping the expectation at zero.
The rest, that is not fact? I totally get it because I do it, too. I'm better, but I have to catch myself.
Mighty, you know I love ya, girl. Truly. I'd be on a plane so fast if I had the funds and the time.
I know you're totally venting. I don't think you're clueless AT ALL. In fact, quite the opposite. You're kinda my hero in many ways. I hate that you have all this to deal with.
I wonder, though, if seeing some things a bit differently, might help you work toward addressing some of the "whys" you mentioned earlier.
You have fears and anxieties about meeting or seeing hww. Totally normal. I mean, who wouldn't?? Remember me??? I'm the loony toon that went through ow's wallet at my house, and took pics of her checkbook and business card. I LOOKED AT HER DRESS SIZE, FOR GOODNESS SAKES. Cuz THAT'S not insecure....lol. Anyhoo...I get it, Might. I totally get it.
I think getting to the bottom of those fears....the "whys" will really, really help you, Might.
So, take my observations below as one newbie to another newbie (in MLC years....which are uber long.)
Quote:
she lives 2 hours away and he wouldn't have been there yet. How can you be sure where xh texted from at 11:30? What if xh was at a gas station or a store 30 min closer to MIL? Just thinking outside the assumption that xh was at his house.
And for him to say let me know, the take off two hours away. It was such bs. Totally. Again, can't know for sure where xh was or when he took off
And he didn't answer his phone?! He has Bluetooth connected, Maybe he does. Probably, if he did before. But maybe not. Maybe he got a new phone. Maybe he changed his mind about using the connection. Maybe his battery was low. Maybe xh and hww were having a huge argument and xh was tied up. The point is, you can't really know for sure unless you are right there..
so obviously doesn't even want hww to hear his conversations with his own daughter. It's not obvious unless you see it. What xh wants hww to hear is mind reading
But xh very rarely sees his mom. Maybe. Probably, if that's how it always was. Xh does a lot of things different now, yeah? Who really knows how often these days? Unless you physically see him elsewhere, you can't really know.
I wonder how hww likes that with her son- but who knows, Why do you wonder?
they were probably with her friggin mom- or shopping for cribs- who knows, who cares... toxic thoughts- BE GONE!) Why do you want to make this a story in your head?
I think I wanted to make a point that I would put d13 first, as I always do. Not blow her off. Do you believe you need to prove anything to xh?
Ok, here's the point of my whole scatty-wompus post, my dear.
At the end of the day, all you can ever really do is take the facts, and decide what is best for YOU and your kids.....based on what you know to be true. (Refer to above section entitled FACTS).
Mighty, so sorry you are to deal with all that. You are right, they should be the once to be hiding from people. It is just so wrong for them to be so selfish and inconsiderate of your and the kids’ feelings. But, why I’m surprised? My H tried to start a r with our mutual friend’s cousin. I suppose he had plans to bring her to live in our vacation home, while my clothes and stuff was still there. Did he think about my feelings? NO.
I know what you mean about regressing back after so much progress has been done. I believe it is good to keep talking about your feelings until you don’t have a need anymore. This board is the perfect place to do it. I don’t know how many times I expressed the same feelings and thought over and over. And every time there is someone who would gently remind you to stay focuses on you, but at the same time listen to what you have to say without judgment.
I don’t really know what to tell you in terms of the “response training”. I would try to tell myself that I got the best years with xh, and what she’s got now is a broken man who did terrible things to his family. Here is the quote I saved from some relationship article: “if you want to marry someone who honors the commitment of marriage, why would you date someone who is married? What does that say about your own commitment to marriage?”
Then this one: “Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.”
And this: “Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.”
I just could not say it better. Keep this in mind, Mighty, that their r built on lies and betrayal, it is not going to last. I have an idea. Why don’t you start bringing some popcorn at your kid’s games. As soon as you see xh, you start eating popcorn and smiling, like you are watching some crazy movie, but you know that you can always get up and leave. Just a thought.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
To add to that - the next time you feel that anxiety come on, change the tape in your head. Take a breath and think to yourself, "Self - I'm not the one that made his choices. Why should I be the one to carry the burden of the anxiety when he is the one that made those choices? Am I carrying more than my fair share of the issues by doing that?"
Soldiers and athletes both do the same thing - they practice what they intend to do. They work on their mental perspective. The difference between a good athlete and a great athlete is between their ears. Same for soldiers.
Both view the world as it is vs. how it should be. Both practice action for a given situation. They get good rest and focus on their goals.
All of those things you can do. As it happens, the sooner that you start, the sooner that you get to that place.
It doesn't come naturally for most. It takes hard work. It takes relentless dedication to the goal. It takes courage to take that first step and keep on stepping. It takes knowing there is a goal and knowing you can reach it.
Set your expectations of your ex to zero. Set your mind to let him succeed or fail according to his own efforts. Set your mind to let those things that are, be. The rest will fall away as unimportant. With a little practice, it'll become normal to you.
Change the tapes playing in your head. Regain your perspective and regain your life, Mighty.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You've received some great advice. I know that it is exceptionally difficult watching your kids struggle and I hate that for you. Be the rock. The rational, sane, funny rock who isn't afraid to be silly and relish every moment with your kids.
Xh? What everyone says is spot on. Actions speak louder than words. Keep those expectations at zero and focus on what makes your life wonderful. Reset the tapes.
I'm cheering for you with big pom-poms AND one of the foam fingers. :-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hahaha...."Mohammed Ali with a car" As for the grocery shopping stuff.....is there only one store in your town? If not,then you might tell ex that you would appreciate it if they shop at the other grocery store. Or you just might practice your spitting skills so you can walk by her head held high then hock a loogie into her hair (ok, not appropriate I know but we can dream right?) Just remember if an encounter happens, YOU have no reason to hang your head in shame.
Hmmm....perhaps if you meet her, just shake your head and say "you poor thing" lol. After all, what's she got but a guy who is a cheater and stepkids who will never accept her.
Sweetie, you seem to think its not ok for you to regress sometimes and it so is. This doesnt happen in a straight line. You will go back and forth and up and around again. Until eventually you get to where you need to be.
Ok, so, here's what I want to say to you about seeing him and/or her. I think you are making it way bigger in your head. That's not to say that it wont sting some.
I want to tell you a story about my friend, TVS, from here. She was upset because she was going to see them at a work meeting.
I told her to walk in there with her head held high because she had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. She did. It was ok.
You have done nothing wrong. They cant shine your shoes. So, you keep that in your head and walk with confidence.
Ok, so, here's what happened when I knew I was going to see my xh and her.
They were sitting at a table. I just so happened to have been looking fine . I walked in, looked them both in the eye said hello with at-ti-tude and kept right on walking. I was told that both of their mouths were hanging open a bit. LOL!
The thing of it is that they didnt matter. They had no worth. They couldnt shine a candle to me, S. I had nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. Them, not so much.
Dont give them all this power. Dont allow them to change who you are and how you live your life.
Nothing will happen to you if you see him or her. Absolutely nothing. As far as I was concerned, they were the ones who should be uncomfortable, not me.
I know that you get upset about what happens with your daughter. And as parents, we want to protect them and make things better for them. But that isnt real life. We cant fix everything.
Your daughter seems to have it together. She sees who he is. And its best to let them forge whatever relationship they do, as long as you dont do anything to cause harm to it.
Mighty, this is tough stuff. You are doing wonderfully. It's ok to have days when it gets to you. You just dont want to live there.
Hey guys. I know you are so right. I really get it. I am doing better and my thoughts are changing.
I am enjoying my new found *freedom*. I am finding myself and what I will or will not ever deal with. What I want. How I want to live. Whom I want in my life. I feel such inner progress.
I also feel much more clarity with what I am facing. Seeing *them* is going to su<k, but what makes it so difficult is this baby thing. I mean really. I can't explain the emotional toll that has taken on me. It is just a whole different level.
I can't even get into the dynamics of pain it causes on so many different levels. I don't want to see her pregnant. This girl who carried my husbands baby when I didn't even know she existed. She carried my husbands baby. While she made decisions about my husband and my marriage and my children. And he let her. Damn it. I can't explain what an invasion it is. He allowed this girl to make decisions about my marriage and my family. This is not mindreading; I know she had a say in how things went down.
Seeing her with this baby. I mean, I don't know guys. I just can't explain it. It will solidify him in a new family. It is killing my kids. I can't imagine. And this is what he chose to do. It is what she chose to do. How could he care about someone who would disrespect his family to this level.
OK- That is what pi$$es me off. This is what I am really struggling with.
To have my m end so abruptly. I detached. I did what I needed to do to make things better for myself. Now it is a new level. It is over. Having this all happen so quickly and the magnitude of events that have unfolded in such a short time... well... I feel like I can deal with and accept each thing. However, dealing with the finality of it is what is getting me. I can't figure this part out just yet. There is no hope. To have it end without anything, a real conversation, just told I've been replaced. My family has been replaced. Nothing. No goodbye or anything. (Not even a fight or argument- NOTHING!) I just struggle with that.
So acceptance as to what is... that's where I am right now. Maybe once this baby is born, it will be easier. It will be difficult, but it will be. I need to realize that and move on.
The other part is being able to not let these unexpected situations get to me. Training.... I am in mental preparation. I am going to do this. I may teach a class in it someday. I will be an expert.
These two things, they may go hand-in-hand. These are my focus right now. Accepting that it is over and response self-training. I think they may be two of the more difficult things I will ever face. But, getting over this hurdle will free me. I know this. I've got this.
I cannot thank each of you enough. This is why I come here.
AJ, I'm steppin', baby! Thanks for always pushing me along.
Shining, you are amazing. You always know how to bring great energy and a smile.
Bright, my girl! I love those quotes. I'm so going to print them out. They were very helpful. Interesting that ow is like an addictive sources that keeps them "hooked." I could totally see that. Xh is very clingy, needy and attached. Probably why he is constantly texting at kids games, since she can't be there. Reading that was like, uuuugggghhhh... hes hooked! But I know that does not mean happy.
GB, you are an inspiration. I've got you on my radar... looking forward to see what my future brings through you experiences! Ha! And what the he11 is that move?!
kml, all I can say is that I like where your head is at. I love your humor.
uR, you are so compassionate and wonderful. Thank you for being so supportive.
OK, guys. I just realized what an eclectic group we are. I love it. I appreciate it all. It is funny (not haha funny) how we all end up here looking for help and form this bond of circular support. This array of voices across the board with one end result of helping each other and helping ourselves. And the amazing vets who have been through it and still give their time to help us through what they know, will probably be the most challenging (yet, dare I say, fruitful) experiences of our lives.
What you wrote, Mighty. The description of emotions you're dealing with and why...that's some good stuff. I'm so glad you got it out, and you were able to pinpoint certain things that would be or already are triggers. My heart breaks reading it. I'm so amazed by you. Whether you can see your strength yet or not, people here can. You are going to get through this. Your really are.
I don't think there is any way around it. Those emotions are going to be there. I have faith that over time, things do have a way of getting sorted out. Just take things one day at a time. Or one hour at a time. Minutes if necessary.
I'm here, cheering you on. I truly wish I was closer. You're so special, Mighty.
Mighty - I agree that the OW appears to be calling the shots on what is happening in what was our marriage. What an ugly thing to do. It is especially hard when there is a baby too - most of us do not have to face that one! However it is what our xh's decided to do. No-one made them. There are men who have gotten into an affair, which resulted in a pregnancy, realised they did not want to end the marriage, and manned up, provided for the child and worked on their marriage. it really is a choice. It is your xh who allowed OW to call the shots.
I think quite a lot of us here went through a period of 'blaming' or holding accountable the OP - they are responsible for what they did, and our former spouses are responsible for their own actions.
You are an amazing woman, and handling this so well. It is traumatic and deeply upsetting, and the lack of any sense of shame seems astonishing to us. I would be hiding behind shrubs and dodging any encounter in their place, but they seem so darned brazen!!
Anyway I do know of several cases of men who left their spouse, fathered a child with new woman, and when diapers and teething struck suddenly realised that it wasn't quite the 'fun' they had envisaged.
Your life is going to get batter and better from now on - there will be hiccups, and blips but that is the human condition. As for them - a relationship begun with deceit and lies probably doesn't have a promising future. But you know, it isn't our problem!
I do get the replaced bit, mine replaced me so quick it wasn't funny. Basically had an a, when we had a fight and I threw a tizz he basically ran off with her. Simple.
I get nothing from him, If I were to ring his house before the legal stuff started he will not pick up. He would not answer text. He would not answer email.
He eventually would ring back days later to blow smoke up my a$$ and sand in my face. In a way you cannot even protest at. He would say nothing to give you anything to object to, but enough to know he's gone affairing it up, so to speak.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
My friend told me something she learned from her friend at the gym. Apparently she had mentioned someone... Blah, blah, any way she said something about HWW, and the girl asked my friend if hww's name was [stdskankwh0r]? "Yes!" Exclaims my friend. Turns out, this girl USED to be friends w hww. Can you guess why they aren't?? Bc HWW tried to hook up with this girls boyfriend!
Shocker! This girl said HWW is a total skank. She is a money grubbing, gold-digging skank. She said that her x had bought this beautiful house and nothing was good enough (same he told me & that he even bought her a caddie- all at 24 yrs old).
Oh Mighty. Have been following your posts, and I so feel for you. What these men have done to us is totaly ridiculous. Part of our hurt is that of course we take it personally as the worst possible rejection. But the truth is that it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with your husband's lack of character and his insecurities. I don't know if that helps at all, but I think if you take a step back, it might give you some comfort and perspective. This new life of his won't bring him more happiness than yours did - he is missing something inside himself and is trying to fill the hole with something that is only a temporary fix and probably worse in the end.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
M, I am not surprised that ow is who she is. The MLCer most always affairs down....sometimes way, way down.
I cannot imagine how it feels to know that she is pregnant. I do agree with my friend, Bea. It was both of them. He could have chose differently.
I see such strength in you and such courage. I think that the idea of this baby being born is getting really big in your mind. That's not to say it isnt a big thing, because it is. But I think the anticipation of it, and what people are going to say and how your children will react, is causing you a lot of anxiety.
I always say that MLC doesnt give them a free pass. They still have to own their actions one day. But he is in crisis and he doesnt feel the things you do. He just cant. He is too busy trying to feel better. The sad thing is that he probably doesnt feel better and when the baby is born, he still wont.
So, there isnt anything you can do to change the fact that this baby is coming...except your mindset. I get the anger, the frustration and the outrage. I really do.
But the more you hold onto all the bad feelings, the more they get control of you. Dont give them one more ounce, M. Not one more.
That relationship is built on the destruction of a family with lies and deceit as its foundation. It is a house of cards which will come tumbling down.
But that doesnt matter right now. What matters is you and your children. Leave them to have to live with their choices.
She is not worthy of your headspace, M. Not at all.
Wouldn't it be justice if the baby comes out with some ethnic background indication that is not either your H's or OW's?
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Yup, you guys. YOU ARE RIGHT! and.... I am GOOD!!!!! I'm telling you. I feel better every day. I am starting to get control of myself!
I even feel like I can handle seeing her. In fact, I had a thought today...
I need the external hard-drive from xh. I have asked him a couple of times for it. (Here is the weird thing- xh is very ocd and organized. He knows where everything is! He said the other day that he would have to look for it. What??? I was annoyed thinking of it there... it has all my documents on it and all of our family photos. She has it. But, it's ok. She su<ks, and I ain't sweatin her!)
However, I had this thought of going to their house, texting him when I'm about 1 second away, and telling him I'm coming to get it. At this point, I have no problem walking right up to that house. What has happened to me? I donno... but I like it.
I am not afraid to see her. Yeah, I will feel it, but I've got nothing to worry about. She is garbage and not worth the scum on the bottom of my shoe. Skank.
(That info made me feel better too. Even as my friend said, well now you know her friends think she is a scumbag, too.)
I had a vivid dream last night- the first one that he wasn't in! Yes! (It was lame and weird though... but NOT HIM!) And he wasn't my first thought when I woke up. OK, second.... but not first!
The thought of her being so selfish... well xh is pretty selfish. This is not going to end well. Two selfish greedy people who would rather look out for themselves.... yeah, ok. Good luck.
Yes! I've got this. Really. You guys are the best. Thank you!
Ummmmmm.... LT, you don't know how many times I've thought about that. THAT would be funny.
Once you see her and you don't burst into flames, you will feel even better.
I gracefully faced down my H's OW and I watched her visibly shrink. It was great. And I was all class!
You can be the classy one who holds your head high. You have nothing to be embarrassed about or feel ashamed by.
You are MIGHTY!
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Yes, GGG! And for the record, I wasn't afraid of her, I was afraid of seeing her because I was afraid of what I would do. This chick doesn't know me.... obviously.
Last minute trip planned!!!! D13 and I are going to NYC for the weekend! We are going with my sil and niece16. Can't wait!
S17 is going to Penn State football game with my brothers and gang. They have been going to a different college game every year. It's a group of father/son's.
S17 didn't want to go at first because it was father/son, and his father isn't going this year. I felt so bad. My brothers were adamant that he go. The did not want him to miss out. They have been wonderful. So s17 is going!
We will all be leaving on xh's b-day. Which, considering it's Halloween, we have always made a night of it. I always wanted it to be special for the kids, but special for xh, too! So we had our traditions for the day. So glad we will be all out of town!
One thing I wanted to share with you. When my h was still living with me and seeing her, she did some really awful things. She sent flowers to him. She called me and there was some other stuff, too.
The thing of it is, I never called her names. I get it when people do. I understand the anger, but, that wasnt who I wanted to be. But more importantly, that just kept me in the anger, ya know?
I knew she wasnt worthy because of the choices she made. I didnt want to give her any importance at all by acknowledging her. She didnt matter. Not one bit.
So, she didnt get any of my energy, my thoughts or my feelings. Nope. Nada.
He probably doesn't want to give you the external hard drive because he's got some crap in it that he doesn't want you to see. So how about giving him a thumb drive and a list of the folders you need off of the hard drive?
To have my m end so abruptly. I detached. I did what I needed to do to make things better for myself. Now it is a new level. It is over. Having this all happen so quickly and the magnitude of events that have unfolded in such a short time... well... I feel like I can deal with and accept each thing. However, dealing with the finality of it is what is getting me. I can't figure this part out just yet. There is no hope. To have it end without anything, a real conversation, just told I've been replaced. My family has been replaced. Nothing. No goodbye or anything. (Not even a fight or argument- NOTHING!) I just struggle with that.
Um, no your family wasn't replaced. He walked away from your family. He walked away from his family. Why? <shrug> Who knows? I doubt even he does. He died along with the relationship he ended. He's somebody else, because the person you knew wouldn't do that to you. You wouldn't have married him if he was. He changed at some point.
You can accept each thing individually. It may be easier that way. Like untangling Christmas lights. But you can also accept all of it in its entirety. When you get the focus right. When you see things for how they are vs. how they were thought to be.
Quote:
OK, guys. I just realized what an eclectic group we are. I love it. I appreciate it all. It is funny (not haha funny) how we all end up here looking for help and form this bond of circular support. This array of voices across the board with one end result of helping each other and helping ourselves.
Isn't that what life is all about? Love your neighbor as yourself?
Quote:
Bc HWW tried to hook up with this girls boyfriend!
Doesn't that tell you something?? Two messed up people that fall into that trap and they are having a family together!?? Ask yourself - do you really want somebody like either of them in your life? I mean, really??
I suggest that the finality of it is not in his power. Sure he started the ball rolling, but it seems to me that you're the one in the position to finalize the relationship. He hasn't taken that from you. He hasn't taken much from you of value except the life you thought you were going to live. What are you really grieving in the scheme of things? The loss of the expectations you had? The lack of a reconciliation (not a relationship - that's different)?
Quote:
Part of our hurt is that of course we take it personally as the worst possible rejection. But the truth is that it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with your husband's lack of character and his insecurities.
BINGO!!
Quote:
But the more you hold onto all the bad feelings, the more they get control of you. Dont give them one more ounce, M. Not one more.
Double bingo!!!!
Quote:
We will all be leaving on xh's b-day. Which, considering it's Halloween, we have always made a night of it. I always wanted it to be special for the kids, but special for xh, too! So we had our traditions for the day. So glad we will be all out of town!
Good. New family traditions are a wonderful idea. And good for all involved - your family!
Keep steppin', Mighty. Keep steppin' You're working through this and starting to verbalize the various feelings. Know what? That's a first step in getting them to no longer be mountains. Just stepping stones once you get your perspective straightened out properly.
In the end, I think the anger is something you need. Some of it. Just don't let it go on too long. And make it appropriate. The ow? She's not worth the time of day. She has her own agenda (obviously) and your ex is the one that fell into that trap. Good luck to them both but it's not what I think you're really angry about. Do you? Or is it the other things mentioned above?
A quick note on forgiveness. Forgiveness to me, means you forgive the other person the debt. They did x, and you *could* do y but choose not to. Along the way, you let go of the pain by making that conscious choice. The pain of x diminishes (not fast enough I know) and although you don't let it happen again with that person, you forgive them. Harder if they don't want forgiveness (mine doesn't; seemed odd at first) but it's not really about them. It's really just their actions and your actions. You choose your actions, even without explanation. In fact, forgiveness often defies explanation. He doesn't deserve it, but you need to give it anyway. That's your ticket to freedom, my dear. And it's worth it. You deserve it.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks guys. Gonna reread you comments later when I have more time to digest.
When I got to work this morn there was an email from xh from yesterday. I was at a conference so I didn't see. It says:
Xh: please review parent portal. S17s grades are not looking too hot... Please communicate what your plan is regarding his grades... I know you get satisfaction with my r with the kids but you need to communicate everything... Your immediate acceleration on the highway on Friday was a joke and you almost hit the car in front of you (no I didn't)... These kids need us and you must put your anger aside.
Ahem,,,,,, I ignored.
Then I get: Xh: mighty, are you going to respond?
Me (later): I was at a conference yesterday and did not see your email. I am not really sure what you want from me. S17 & I take things one week at a time. He has certain reuirements to follow to earn things like hanging out w friends during the week, taking my car, etc.
Xh: did you look at his grades?
Me: I printed the assignment for each class for him last week to work on things that need to be addressed. We also talked about him getting a routine and plan for how he will get his work/studies in. In the past, when he is not in sports, it tends to get worse. So we are working on getting him a routine time set aside to create good work habits and more success.
He will not be in school Friday if you see his absences.
Xh: how is he doing? I haven't talked to him since he said dude shut the f up and f you, you're getting blocked. I'm aware of him leaving this weekend and d13 told me that you two are going to ny.
Me: pretty good. Not as grumpy- only sometimes. He was emotional after his last Game. End of an era.
Nuttin back.
I tried to keep emotion out & keep it neutral. I feel like he was trying to get me going, is judgmental about my parenting.... Looking for reasons to make me doubt myself. I talked myself out of it this morning. I thought of all the things I've learned and am trying to put them to use. I hope it was ok. I have some ideas for where I'd like to be... Mentally & emotionally & how I respond/react.
The tone in the emails is accusatory and condescending.
It has nothing to do with you.
I thought your responses were good and stuck straight to the issue. I like how you did not address:/ debate the car acceleration thing. That was a set up.
You are doing a great job especially showing your kids how to be gracious and face tough situations head on. They are learning a lot from you right now.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
If I remember correctly this is not the first time he has sent almost the same email message about S17. I mean almost word for word at the start. I find his concern for how his S is doing in school less than heart warming. If he truly cared about him he would be making some kind of effort to rebuild a R with his S, not scold him about his grades, especially considering the pain and embarrassment H's choices have caused his S. He is a teenager that has to deal with everyone knowing what his father is doing, that he got some young chickie pregnant, left his family...that is A LOT for a teenager to have to handle. For a father of a 17 year old to just let his kid say F you and let it stop him from trying to rebuild trust with him is just so immature. For him to say "These kids need us and YOU have to do anything is just such a cop out! What is HE doing except looking at S17's grades and yelling at you to do something about it.
From what I see your H is a coward. He is afraid to make any effort at being a parent to his kids. He is afraid to admit that his actions have much to do with the problems his son is having in school. So what does he do? He tries to blame you and your "anger" for what he and his ACTIONS have caused! You don't owe him any explanation about what you plan on doing to help your son get his grades up and get through the mess his father has caused in what should have been his best year ever up to now..Sr. year.
You handled that email very well, better than I would have under similar circumstances for sure. Keep your head up Mighty. You are so strong and you will get through this and so will your kids...because they a have a mother as strong as you!
He's obviously starting to feel the sting of losing his family and the respect of his children.
It's a cheap shot for him to accuse you of being happy about his shitty relationship with the kids - of course he's still not ready to face his responsibility for that.
Don't let him sucker you into any tit for tat on that stuff. You did a good job in this communication. And if he brings up you avoiding him again, just tell him - "Is it really any surprise to you that I prefer not to see my exd-husband who is having a baby with another woman????"
I had a good laugh, because I just got the same email from my h but last week....The only thing is that just remember, you don't OWE him an explanation on anything. It is okay if you want to freely give it, but you don't owe it to him to answer any of his questioning.
And YES...JTB is right, good job avoiding the bait. These MLC'ers seem to throw so much of it out there when things aren't going as they expect. I see it in my own sitch a lot.
Stay strong, ignore things when necessary, and trust that you will feel more confident in your decisions as time goes on. TRUST YOU!!!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Attagirl, M. You just keep being who you want to be. Keep looking at your roadmap. .
Dont allow him to push you off your road..<<<<See what I did there? LOL!
Keep it neutral and to the point, no matter what he writes. Not your job to inform him of everything you are doing regarding your son. If he wants to know details, he should ask son.
OK, so... I am feeling pretty good about things. One thing though, it is clear to me that he is still so selfish and really does not consider my kids' feelings. The idea of me finding 'satisfaction' just makes it about him and me... not the kids.
Should I send a truth dart? As much as I want to leave it alone, I want him to get smacked with this. (I could text him, I just want you to know... or wait until next communication?)
Seeing my kids hurt will never bring me satisfaction.
Yey me! I am so happy to see you guys are with me on this!! I had to STEP AWAY to compose myself and not allow it to drag me down.
Thank you Brook, Matt, kml, bea!!!! Whew! I love your posts to me- they made me proud of myself!! Matt, yup, same ol' story!
uR- That was funny! I see how you did that!!
And I picked up some new friends! BRNR- sorry you have to deal with the same junk. Yuck! Jack- what a pleasant surprise! Did I intrigue you with my bull-headed thoughts on tad's thread? (ha! I know... nothing too exciting) So glad you stopped by!
Thanks guys! You are such and amazing help and support. I find comfort and strength knowing you are here.
It does not matter to me that you continue to make assumptions as to how you think I feel. However, I will make one thing clear: Seeing my children hurting will never bring me satisfaction.
I will say this one more time. Your relationship with the kids is exactly that.
Any thoughts?
Because I don't say much, I want my communication to say something. Whether or not it does anything, he does think about it. I'm sure. Well... not totally sure.
That's all I needed. Exactly why I came here and didn't respond. Geesh. Thank you. But it was good practice for when I do have to respond or have the right opportunity to slide it in. Thanks, Wonka.
I think the high road in my atlas is uncharted for me. Navigation can be tricky. Sometimes I have to stop and ask for directions.
Those "truth" darts have to be timed exactly right to hit the target and you have to wait until your frustration and or anger has passed.
And sometimes saying NOTHING allows with they say to sink back into their own mind..instead of them focusing on going back and forth with you, they might "think" about what they just said.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Hey guys. Thanks. I feel I have given lots of silence. Almost 4 months. I don't intend to Change it, but want to use opportunities for setting it straight. He can take it or leave it. I'm glad I didn't say anything last night. Silence is golden. I will continue to remain quiet and use his communication as an opportunity to say what's needed- only when needed. Not accusatory nor emotional, just to the point.
Yesterday's email convo continued to today.
Xh: that's good. Do you know why he said those things to me out of nowhere?
Me: no. Honestly we really don't talk about you. The kids get super upset, so I try to avoid any conversation about you, unless it is to tell a funny story from the past or something. I did hear him and d13 talking about you blowing up their phone or something. He was really annoyed about it.
I just want to be clear about something: seeing my children hurting will never bring me satisfaction.
Just one other thing - I agree about silence - and I sometimes felt I had been 'too silent' But they are trying to get our attention too. Responding calmly as you did is good - he knows he didn't get a reaction from you, but a response, in your own time.
You handled that response just perfectly! let him know that him blowing up their phone might have been a problem without making it seem like you were directly involved in that conversation. Confirming that you are not badmouthing him at home (which leaves him to have to deal with the fact that this is between him and his kids).
Wow, Mighty! I just caught up. Way to go handling his emails.
He didn't bait you a bit.
I went through something similar with D20. When she was still in high school, Smokey would blow at her about her grades and she would react with a plethora of obscenities. He would, then, talk to her about her "mouth" and her disrespect and so forth. He would, of course, never touch on how his behavior had played a part in all this.
In hindsight, all I could do was be there for my daughter. She has some things to work on...but, she is sorting it out.
I like how you shielded your son, to the extent you were able...I remember being in that position of interacting with Smokey and realizing that...when he interacted with me, he was more likely to leave the kids alone. Seems like he always had to pick on someone, I'd rather he pick on me.
You're doing great. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
He is such an @ss, but seriously, I'm not even going to let it get to me.
I talked to s17 tonight and he told me his frustrations with his dad, and that he saw my paperwork for surgery and figured out what was going on. So I was honest with him (teachable moment for a 17 year-old-boy).
I thought I would let xh know what he was up against with s17h. (since he is still emailing me and I want him to go away)
I texted him.
me: I talked to s17 & he opened up. He was frustrated bc you were sending him texts over and over and it was really intense and got to him. He said he blocked you bc he needed some time.
since then he found my paperwork for surgery and info. he figured out what was going on and was really upset.
xh: oh. What paperwork?
me: For my surgery, appointment, info about it and stuff. Didn't you get my email?
PAUSE, PAUSE, PAUSE (Hello??? Did you forget me??)
xh: So you told him I gave you something? I'm confused why u say I gave u something Mighty. I'm clean...
me: Thanks for the concern.
PAUSE, PAUSE, PAUSE...
xh: FYI- I just saw that email yesterday and that is why I ask you why s17 said what he did. I don't check that account much.
(When I emailed him about the money he owed, I got a vicious response quickly.... not over a month later!)
I told this bro that I have pre-cancerous cells. And there is no doubt that it is from him. He has not asked one question as to what it entails or how I am, or ANYTHING! Up to this point, it has been totally ignored. What a jerk! "I'm clean" ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?????????????????????????????????
Unbelievable. They are too perfect.... must be me, not them...
What are you doing to take care of you tonight? The surgery, issues with S17, emails from H...it's a lot. How can you make things easier for you-just for tonight? Put you first.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
M, dont try to understand crazy...that just gives you a headache.
Im sorry he's crazy. Sorry you have to have surgery. Sorry your son has to know this about his father.
It isnt right. At all.
I wouldnt keep going on about son's feelings. Not really your responsibility. You explained. If it isnt good enough for him, lLet him call his son and discuss it. If your son doesnt want to....not your problem.
First, you have been handling things perfectly. You are amazing. You don't even know.
Your x a$$hat and my a$$hat should get together and talk about how nothing is their fault ever, and that they should have zero consequences for what-errr-the-he!!-they-wanna do. Couple of nine year olds. Tthhpppllllttt.
Crazy how xh doesn't acknowledge he is the one who caused this. Every bit of it. Only he did. Yet, he "can't believe you told S17"... Because he should not have to have a consequence of bad choices???
I'm proud of you. I hope you have a fantastic weekend!!!! I'll be thinking of you!!!!
Hi Heather! I'm OK. S17 is doing OK. He went to see his gf for awhile. She broke her leg in her soccer game.
I really am ok with this communication. Here he is----- not being accountable. SHOCKER! I'm telling you... I can't believe how unphased I have been all week. I think after showing off my Dale Earnhardt driving skills on the highway, I realized I need to get a grip.
It was over 20 min when he sent, "I can't believe you told him that..." Must be pestering him???
Well, I would write a list of "I can't believe..." that would be longer than the Mississippi River!
But I don't have that much time to waste on his lame self.
It aggravates me when I think about the "I can't believe" because there was not, no I didn't do that, I wasn't with her then...
I just want to say, well 'I can't believe' you had unprotected sex with a (*&*&^&^%^%$#%#@#@^& and then me, YOUR WIFE!
That would be the opening to my list.....
Eh, he's got a lot to think about tonight.
Me, well, I had someone come and look at my kitchen tonight to come up with a plan! I can't wait to see what it will look like on paper!!! Another step in the right direction!
It will feel so much better once I get my house put back together!
Thanks, Heather! I'm good! S17 home now and doing well. So is d13. Man, I love those kids!
I gave this small tid-bit of info. What he does is his problem. But, since he is running scared, I'm sure I won't hear from him for awhile. Unless, of course, he wants to blame me some more.
I don't bite that toxic bait. No way. I learned that a long time ago. Now I learned not only not to bite, but not even let it get to me. He is a big DUH!
His problems with my kids are exactly that- his problems. I will be here for them and support them however they need. I did talk with s17 tonight about her kids. I keep trying to explain that it is not their fault, but he is like f-them, f-her, f-my dad. Ouch. Working on that one.
Shining- They could have an @sshat picnic! Wouldn't that be special.
Lois, I could meet you after work on a Wednesday. Lemme check my schedule and we will set a date!
Mighty - just remember - if they are wrong about ANYTHING (in their mind) they they woul be wrong about everything.
I have a shrewd suspicion that deep down many of them realise they have made a huge mistake but it would destroy them to admit it, and so they project all of this stuff outwards onto us.
The normal rules do not apply to them - unprotected sex with a woman you know is promiscuous is not a good idea. Period. Expecting your kids not to be upset with your leaving without even an acknowledgement of the hurt it is causing is unrealistic, . . and so on.
Two things that you might find interesting - recently my xh told me that I had been pretty much right about everything I had said (I nearly fell off my chair) Being him e followed it up quickly with 'But I was still right to have left you' Hmmmm, not for teh first time recently I wonder if reality is finally starting to set in.
The second is that yesterday I wa catching up with an old friend on the phone and she said had I heard anything recently from xh (his name) I honestly had to stop for a minute and think who she was talking about. (I know a couple of people with the same name). Now that is progress. But it has taken a long long time to get to that point for me. Others may take a faster track!
Things are getting pretty intense. I am trying to stay level headed and grounded. Threats and blame are being projected.
Xh called this morn. I wasn't going to answer, then I thought I have nothing to hide. Dummy me. So he went off about how he thought about it (in his twisted, unaccountable, selfish mind) and how terrible I am. He wanted to bash me for my life before him (which was really nothing, but he is trying to make it really bad).
Then he said that he did get my email (letting him know about Surg & stuff) 6 weeks ago (last nigh he said he saw it "yesterday") and has gotten teasted and is clear. (It is hard to test in men) and has done reaearch and it's not from him- I've had it for over 20 years & he doesn't have it.
I just said I have to go, then him... Blah blah blah, I said, "you know, honestly, I don't give a $hit what you think."
Click.
Then he starts calling- I send vm.
Then texts from xh: You think u have it all figured out. The only thing u could figure out is your crazy. I will be sending an email to s17 school counselor and anybody that I think of that u or s17 told. You're trying to destroy my relationship and character... I knew u said something to put him against me. I'm sure he said something or u didn't like him being with me. Unbelievable. I will tell all in my email... Can't believe u took it this far.
Then: S17 said it well - you're angry and seek drama. I can't believe it
Stay focused on the facts. He has fathered a baby with another woman while married to you.
That's the bottom line.
IF THAT AIN'T CRA-CRA, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
You only spoke the truth. He is projecting all over the place. He is a scared, messed up guy and can't face the truth.
Step away. Step away. As much as you are able.
How many times has he called? If he pursues, you may want to consider filing a harassment charge. Sounds like he is spinning out of control and the last thing that you and kids need right now is more abuse from him.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I have been on the receiving end of this craziness as well.
That whole spew from xh about how "he is going to email everyone and tell all..."
It's LAUGHABLE!
What is he going to "tell", exactly?
The awful way he has conducted himself? How he has mistreated you and torn apart your family? How he is a liar and a cheater?
Wow. Just.... wow.
Clearly it's important to him to paint you as the bad guy. Because it's not going to be him. Noooooo way!
"Unbelievable" is RIGHT!
I would just ignore. That will drive him more nuts than anything else. I wouldn't dignify that nonsense with a response of any kind, and I certainly wouldn't waste one moment of my time defending myself against crazy.
I'd be too busy making some fun plans that DO NOT INCLUDE HIM.
Mighty, you've got it rough, no doubt about it.
But you're "MIGHTY", remember?
And he's a d*ckhead. He will get what he deserves, if he isn't getting it already.
Your Pal,
The Goal Gal
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
This is what you posted to me on Oct. 15...seemed fitting to return the words today, back atcha:
Quote:
I believe that Smokey is probably a very insecure person. Insecure people manipulate and abuse others. Since they don't feel control over themselves or their emotions, they try to control someone else, like a spouse and/or children. In doing this, it gives them power, validates (in some weird way) their worth, and makes them feel that they have someone who cares because they that person is able to be controlled/manipulated.
In Smokey's reaction to you leaving... well, that's exactly what it is. A reaction. Smokey is scared, sad, insecure, lost, but he may not even know he has these feelings. He may be so out of touch to them, that the only thing he knows how to do is react. And how does that come out? In anger, belittling, trying to dominate, trying to knock down others.
Smokey is weak emotionally and mentally. Now, can you imagine what he feels now that the one thing he had to validate his strength and security (his family) up and left his @$$ (sorry, no disrespect)? What does he know to do? React. That's it.
Afraid? Huh, he is the one who is afraid, my friend. He may not know it, but he does at the same time. Here is this woman, who just left him to deal with the rest of the mess he created. You? You took the goods- the important things. Your girls. Your family. You went someplace new. You are doing it. You are taking care of you and your family. You are no longer under his control. That is scary for him. He is scared of you. He will try his antics, but don't ever fear that... because those antics come from a very weak place. Those antics reveal his weakness.
You are the strong one. He fears you. Don't underestimate yourself. You don't need to be nasty. You be you. Keep your concern right where it has been- taking care of you and the girls. He can't do that. And he knows it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Lois aand GoatGal have given great advice on how to deal with this latest non-sense. I am on the receiving end of the abusive text, emails, phone calls...with much of the exact same verbiage I am afraid. I keep telling myself what my ex says is none of his business and his opinions of my life don't matter when I get a little anxious. But whatever you do, don't respond or defend yourself...these MLC'ers have a way of manipulation and will try to use everything to thier advantage.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
You aren't going to believe this. Xh sent an email to s17 and cc'd me. It is so abusive. Lit is full if lies an manipulation of truths. Unbelievable. Stuff from when I was 16! Things he did with me but told s I did, omitting himself! H has gone to a whole new low. He is a joke. Trash. He pretty my now is blaming the past year of a poor r with kids on me. What a coward.
I just want to tell s17 to delete for his own protection, but don't want to be blamed for hiding it. I really don't care what he says. At all.
I will tell s17 that most isn't true and other thing are twisted around. If he wants to talk, he can, but I do t need to discuss to defend myself with that garbage. He is out of control.
Mighty - I am sorry you are getting this. I have blocked my xh's emails (I told him I was going to do this after years of abusive spew). The alternative is to send them direct to a folder and keep them in case you want to protect yourself against harassment at a later date.
It really isn't nice to get this stuff. You are under no obligation to read any of it. Fwiw I think it is guilt, but i could be wrong.
This just highlights his level of desperation. What kind of man spends his time trash talking you this way?
No man that you need in your life. EVER. Hopefully as time goes by, you'll be able to have less and less involvement.
The funny thing is, he still cares in some twisted way. Otherwise, he wouldn't waste his energy on this stuff.
All that fury comes from somewhere.
Whether it's anger at himself (likely) projected onto you, or the fact that you're moving ahead without him and it hurts him to see this, whatever it is, if he was really not emotionally involved in some way, he'd be DETACHED.
And he is not.
So you do have some influence on this man still.
But I admit, it's a bit scary. He is upping the ante because he is not getting satisfaction from his efforts to do--whatever it is he's trying to do.
Just make sure you and your kids are safe from him.
Probably S17 is well aware that XH has taken up residence in Wacko-land, but that's a lot for a young man to take in emotionally.
So while I wouldn't spend much time defending yourself to your son over this, you could just validate him, saying "I know it hurts to read stuff like this about your mom and I want you to know that is is not an accurate representation of history. You can talk to me about it at any time or ask any questions you want and I will answer them honestly. You know I love you and I am so sorry you're in the middle of this."
Your XH is burying himself alive with his kids with this sort of thing. Sad, but true. He'll probably continue to try and blame YOU for that, because he still doesn't want to face that he is the one who brought this about.
So sorry, Mighty. Really.
It stinks.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
WOW Mighty Wow!!! Eearily it feels as if we are talking about the same man...
Mighty, if I could offer a word...don't say anything to son about the email...don't ask him to delete it and don't defend yourself about it, at least not before you hear your son's thoughts on it. He could very well see all he needs to see on his own. But I think now would be a good time to breathe...and deal with what comes (if it does) when it comes. In my opinion, this is a process for our children too, and some things they need to go through and learn as well.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Hi Mighty, so sorry about the latest with a$$hat H! Just like I was saying yesterday, he is proving that he just doesn't care at all about his S17! Here this kid is struggling to get through this sitch and he thinks it's helpful for him to bad mouth his mother and say horrible things about you? Just what he needs at this point to make his life easier, yeah right. Don't defend yourself at all, you really don't need to. All he is going to do is make what he has already done even worse! That man is so clueless! Does he really think that insulting his mother is somehow going to bring them closer to his son? All he is going to accomplish is pushing his son even farther away. He is a sad, immature, angry man that has totally lost any bit of decency he may have had left.
There is no one who will think anything that gets an email from him but what an a$$hat HE is. Hold your head up and don't let any of this bother you at all. In fact anyone who may have not yet thought badly about H will surely now that he has stooped this low. I know that it's hard but wait and see and you will see that all he has done is make things worse for HIMSELF. Don't sweat it.
Thanks guys. You all make some very valid points. They are really helpful. I just started a new thread. I have just got a bad feeling. I don't like it. However, I have got to go pack. Getting ready for my trip. So glad to be escaping Crazy World and head to the sanity and security of Halloween in NYC! Thank goodness I am headed for a little peace!
Hope to see you at "Diggin Deep"! You guys are amazing!
