Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Mighty.....did you ever see a really terrible movi, like, say, Gigli?

You wouldn't watch it over and over and over again, would you???

So....when your mind starts to drift to them....turn off that bad movie. Picture a big red STOP sign and think about something else.

Sounds silly but it works.

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
Mighty, you are kinda tough on yourself sometimes, ya know? I mean this is some really rough stuff you are dealing with here.

You are human. You are going to go up and down and around sometimes. There will be good days and bad days. You just dont want to live in the bad ones.

I know you are really stressed about the baby being born. I can understand that.

As far as your xh is concerned..truly happy people dont have to act a fool. They just live their life, right?

But who cares what the heck he is feeling? Not you, because you are living your life. smile.

Let them blow in the wind. They have to live their truth and good luck to them when they do.

You get to keep walking your journey. You are pretty freakin amazing, M. You will get through this in your wonderful Mighty way. Him...well, that's a train wreck. Get out of the way of it.

Oh and I want in on a trip to see Shining...just sayin.

Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
What about ordering your groceries.

In Ohio, I did that quite a bit. It was an extra $8 and actually saved me money because it was easier for me to stick to my budget. In the store, I have a tendency to throw in a million things I see, but don't really need. Just a thought?

Mighty, we need to get together.

Oh! And, 1D is coming to Buffalo! I may be able to use my Press Pass to get backstage. I'm going to check and see. I think our D's would be helpful to each other...not to mention you and me :-)

It's beautiful around here and there's lots to do...or we could meet halfway...Rochester? Syracuse?

Heather


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
Mighty what Urworthy and Heather said!!!!

Your thoughts and feelings are absolutely normal. I relate to what you are saying. Accept that you will not always feel that way. And fwiw i also relate absolutely to what you posted on tad's thread.

I think of it in the sense of 'disproportionate response' . OK our marriages were not perfect, OK they were not happy (although voicing this might have been helpful), but was our xh's response to that situation reasonable?

A good friend of mine (who was married to a man whose first affair partner was a bipolar, bisexual drug addict who used to beat him up - she said her life turned into the Jerry Springer show almost overnight)) now gets messages from him, eight years on, and re-married, about how unhappy he is. She is having a hard time taking it all seriously at this stage.

Anyway she went to a divorce care class in the early days, and said the class had a real dividing line between (the majority) those whose marriages had come to end, and those (a minority) whose partners appeared to be having a MLC. Those whose marriages were ending, both partners had varying degrees of sadness, concern for the other, and a sense of responsibility for their part in it. Those divorcing/being divorced by apparent MLCers saw their spouses trying to get as much as they could with no concern whatsoever for the on-going welfare of their wife and family. The WAS were expected to carry the whole responsibility for the demise of the marriage.

I do believe that there is such a thing as MLC. Some people may hide behind this in varying degrees to avoid their own responsibility, but what I largely see here is a wish to grow, learn and try and build some sort of co-parenting relationship with the MLCer.

The one thing I would like after all of this time would be for my xh to take some responsibility for his part, and sit down and discuss it rationally, with an impartial third party of his choosing if he preferred it. I have tried to take responsibility for my contribution to the demise of my marriage, and keep dialogue open. I have failed totally in this. I do not want reconciliation but I would like us to be able to talk about shared concerns, about our adult children, and health issues etc, as we get older. It would be nice. Honestly I am tired of the blame.

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
M
Mighty Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
kml, I am working on that. You are so right. I have also been trying to replace my thoughts of reality. For example, sometimes I think about how he allowed another woman to come into our marriage and have a say in it. That kills me. I can see events that changed, obviously, because of her selfish wants. But, then I try to replace those thoughts with the terrible things he has said or done. That is such a turn-off. I think that I want to stay so far away from that mess. Then, I NEED THE STOP SIGN- to totally remove myself from thoughts of him!

Good idea!

Heather- ordering groceries is a good idea! I did go the other day, at an operable time. It felt good. I just can't allow them to dictate my life anymore. They should be the ones hiding. But they aren't, and I have to accept that. If I come across them, I have to be prepared. (I do need training for quick and rapid responses to different scenarios. Seriously.)

bea, thanks for your response. I had to take a deep breath after reading it. Not sure why, but some things hit ya in the chest.
First, thanks for the support on tad's thread. I felt a little misunderstood. But in the end, it was a very productive discussion, and it did give me some things to think about.
That is so interesting to hear about your friend's experience. There is a definite line. And sometimes I feel like people who go through d (without dealing w mlc) don't totally get it. They think things are the same as just getting a d. It isn't. (And I've made the same Jerry Springer reference, myself!)

I also find it interesting that you friend's x is now contacting her and telling her these things. What a rollercoaster ride this is. Truly. Eight years on and it can still be emotional. I guess that's why detachment is so important, but it's like a chronic illness that you always have to deal with on some level or another.


I agree about the desire to have a conversation like the one you stated. It would be healthy and productive. I don't know that it will ever happen.

And another thing... I don't wish ill will for xh. I really don't. But is it bad that I do for their r? Like really badly...

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
M
Mighty Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
Oh--whoa, whoa! Heather! I almost forgot the most important part! 1D. Ummm... yeah... apparently d13 got the update on her phone at school that they were coming to Buffalo. She was so excited. She said that if I got her front row tickets, it would be her Christmas present for the rest of her life and I would never have to get her another one. Ha!

So if you come to the concert, you guys are more than welcome to stay here with us! We could make a weekend of it!

OK, sooooo.... when are we gonna meet up? Are Saturdays good for you? They are best for me. Unless it is like Veteran's Day or something. I could do a weekday after school, around dinner time. I'd leave right from work, bc I work in that direction.

Let me know! I look forward to it.

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
M
Mighty Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
OK, so here is where my head has been the past few days...

I am hoping that this is the upswing. I have had a few good days. I am accepting things as they are, and being OK.

uR, you said you think I'm hard on myself. I think that is interesting. I feel like as much as I make progress, I tend to regress. I don't want to do that. I feel like something is wrong with me that I go back to this place which is hard to get out of. I have this place of total devastation. I try to stay far away from that abyss of despair. Sometimes if [censored] me in... it can be hard to muddle my way out.

I am not going to get into these thoughts which suck me in. OK, I think this may be a little progress. Before I would have listed many examples of the weighted thoughts which invade my mind. Not even gonna go there. Once I start one, they come flooding in. So... I will cautiously step away from the land mine.

This is what I need to focus on right now. As I mentioned before that I need strategic planning and training for how I will address unexpected sightings/communication with these people. Still haven't seen hww. Thank God! I did have a dream about her the other night. The first one in which she was actually a present figure. (Thank goodness there isn't a thread for analyzing or interpreting dreams!) Anyway, in my dream I confronted her in a very non-aggressive, rational, calm way. So not me! whistle
It actually gave me hope that I could handle it. I had a vision, if you will, of myself handling the situation. OK, feel better. But who knows what will actually happen. This is why I need training.

And I mean it. You know, soldiers have training to deal with stressful, sudden situations. They know how to respond and react. Put their learned skills into action. I need this!

Here is what happened Friday night:
S17 had his last football game. It was a play-off game, 2 hours away. D13 and I went. We were about 20 min from home on the north side of the city. It was rush hour. Traffic was terrible all the way to the south side. We were on the congested highway and a car next to us started beeping. D13 look at me and said, "What the heck are they beeping at?" I look and saw the truck. I was like, no way. I said, "I think that's your dad." She looked. Yup. Right next to us in rolling, bumper to bumper traffic. I asked if he was with anyone. She said, yeah, Uncle Idiot (not really the words she used).

I felt my anxiety go through the freaking roof! Panic! I did not want to drive two hours side-by-side next to these morons. (By the way- xh and his bro really didn't have the best r. BIL is a total jerk, ignorant, trashy, disrespectful, piece... He and xh had nothing in common- Ha! I guess they have a lot in common now! But the thought crossed my mind, that's pretty much all he has to hang out with now. BIL and hww, and hww can't do anything related with my kids)

Anyway, xh rolled down his window and started saying something and waving, all excited. Not me. I was like Mohammed Ali with a car. I was bobbin' and weavin' right down the highway. I hit the gas and was the jerk on the highway in a rush to get past everyone. I was so gone. Never saw him again during our drive. Not even in the rear-view mirror. And what made me so happy... I had the Easypass. Xh never wanted to get one and was really weird about it. (Probably though people would see where he was driving) It was one of my first purchases I made when he left. It never felt better to zip through those tolls knowing that it would put me that much further ahead. Yes! Best purchase ever!

So we get there about 25 min early. Only problem.... it was not where we thought. We were in a dark, empty parking lot. People in this town were more than sketchy. And they had no idea how to give directions. One lady told me to got right there to the parking lot which was empty and clearly not where I was supposed to be... and she was looking at it while saying it. So I was soooooo frustrated. We had all this technology, gps, two iphones, and it just kept saying the wrong thing. 20 minutes went by, and I was getting so frustrated. And I wanted to get into the stadium and sit down without worries of xh. See... his presence just makes my anxiety skyrocket. So as we were sitting in this dark empty parking lot, guess who pulls in. XH. Are you friggin kidding me???????

I zoomed right out. Gone. Didn't know where I was going, but I wasn't going to stay there. I know he would have wanted to discuss where we were supposed to go. Grrrrr.......

Well, we found it. S17's team got crushed. He was sad, so were all the other seniors. End to an era.

I need response training ASAP.

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
M
Mighty Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
One more thing... yesterday, xh told d13 they would go get her costume. I had communicated with him that I had purchased one for her, but it was up to him if he wanted to get her another one. He told her he would.

She told me that she did not want to go with him or see him, but she wanted the costume.

He texted her yesterday around 11:30 and asked if she wanted to go that day. She said yes, but she was just leaving her friend's house. He said OK and to let her know whenever she wanted to go that day. (he said to call him, which she was annoyed and only wanted to text him)

She got ready and about 1PM she called. He wouldn't answer the phone. I heard her talking to s17 about it. He said, do what he does and send, "helllllllllllloooooooooo" a million times.

She said, I'm just gonna keep on calling. Which she did. Eventually he contacted her. I think through text. He told her he was with his mom and couldn't go then.

This made me sick. First, she lives 2 hours away and he wouldn't have been there yet. And for him to say let me know, the take off two hours away. It was such bs. Totally. And he didn't answer his phone?! He has Bluetooth connected, so obviously doesn't even want hww to hear his conversations with his own daughter. (And I was fighting off the toxic thoughts of hww and her son seeing my mil and all that crap. But xh very rarely sees his mom. And she is very poor and lives in the city with lots of crime. I wonder how hww likes that with her son- but who knows, they were probably with her friggin mom- or shopping for cribs- who knows, who cares... toxic thoughts- BE GONE!)

It really boils my blood. I felt so bad for d13. But, as always, she had 19 million plans with 19 million people. He called her that evening and said he was home and asked her to go. She said no, she was busy.

Oh yeah, as she was texting him and he said he couldn't go. I said well I will take you and he can pay me back. That was quickly shot down. I think I wanted to make a point that I would put d13 first, as I always do. Not blow her off.

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
Hi, Mighty!!

Yeesh. I can't believe you saw xh on the highway like that. Ok, actually I can. Because why not. Why not have the least desirable thing happen? smile

It must be difficult to deal with this stuff when it affects your D13. When you hear the "I'm at MIL" excuse, it's easy to dissect the probability of that being bs.

MLC: Believe none of what they say.

As the rational ones, we try to 'chuck' the plans communicated by xh into the no-expectations box.

So, we can roll with it a bit, knowing they are in crisis. They'll do whatever they feel they need to do at any given moment, regardless of what they previously said they would do.

The kids, tho....dang. It must feel not great for them. No way around that. And as the wonderful mom you are, of course you want your D13 to have a decent R with her dad. Who wouldn't?

Except he can't be counted on. He just cannot. So D13 continues to be let down by him. And it's got to be killing you to see that. I see you wanting to make up for xh failures, Mighty. To protect D13's heart. Because that's what we want for our kids.

So, when xh promises stuff, and falls through....where's Mighty? I don't blame ya, my friend. I can't say I would do any differently in your shoes.

It's hard. I have to consciously try to keep expectations at zero. I still catch myself doing the mind reading. I'm not sure that ever goes away completely or not.

You know what we need to do, Mighty? You and me have to try to remember, that We really don't know. Unless it happens in front of us? We're just making up a story in our heads.

I was wondering, M, do you think it may help to step back for a sec, and separate what is fact?

For example:

FACTS
XH told D13 yesterday they would go get costume
XH asked her at 11:30 if she wanted to go that day
D13 wasn't ready yet
XH said let him know
D tried calling at 1pm
XH didn't answer for a while
When XH contacted D13, the plan changed, XH was no longer going.

^^^^ that's really all you know.




Ok, bear with me.....back to this:

MLC: Believe none of what they say.

And now back to this:

XH told D13 yesterday they would go get costume.

Follow me?

What I'm getting at, is that unless and until they are actually in the car driving to and arriving at the store, it still may or may not happen. No matter what XH said at one time.

That is keeping the expectation at zero.

The rest, that is not fact? I totally get it because I do it, too. I'm better, but I have to catch myself.





Mighty, you know I love ya, girl. Truly. I'd be on a plane so fast if I had the funds and the time.

I know you're totally venting. I don't think you're clueless AT ALL. In fact, quite the opposite. You're kinda my hero in many ways. I hate that you have all this to deal with.

I wonder, though, if seeing some things a bit differently, might help you work toward addressing some of the "whys" you mentioned earlier.

You have fears and anxieties about meeting or seeing hww. Totally normal. I mean, who wouldn't?? Remember me??? I'm the loony toon that went through ow's wallet at my house, and took pics of her checkbook and business card. I LOOKED AT HER DRESS SIZE, FOR GOODNESS SAKES. Cuz THAT'S not insecure....lol. Anyhoo...I get it, Might. I totally get it.

I think getting to the bottom of those fears....the "whys" will really, really help you, Might.

So, take my observations below as one newbie to another newbie (in MLC years....which are uber long.)


Quote:
she lives 2 hours away and he wouldn't have been there yet.
How can you be sure where xh texted from at 11:30? What if xh was at a gas station or a store 30 min closer to MIL? Just thinking outside the assumption that xh was at his house.

And for him to say let me know, the take off two hours away. It was such bs. Totally.
Again, can't know for sure where xh was or when he took off

And he didn't answer his phone?! He has Bluetooth connected,
Maybe he does. Probably, if he did before. But maybe not. Maybe he got a new phone. Maybe he changed his mind about using the connection. Maybe his battery was low. Maybe xh and hww were having a huge argument and xh was tied up. The point is, you can't really know for sure unless you are right there..

so obviously doesn't even want hww to hear his conversations with his own daughter.
It's not obvious unless you see it. What xh wants hww to hear is mind reading smile


But xh very rarely sees his mom.
Maybe. Probably, if that's how it always was. Xh does a lot of things different now, yeah? Who really knows how often these days? Unless you physically see him elsewhere, you can't really know.

I wonder how hww likes that with her son- but who knows,
Why do you wonder?

they were probably with her friggin mom- or shopping for cribs- who knows, who cares... toxic thoughts- BE GONE!)
Why do you want to make this a story in your head?

I think I wanted to make a point that I would put d13 first, as I always do. Not blow her off.
Do you believe you need to prove anything to xh?



Ok, here's the point of my whole scatty-wompus post, my dear.

At the end of the day, all you can ever really do is take the facts, and decide what is best for YOU and your kids.....based on what you know to be true. (Refer to above section entitled FACTS).

The rest of it will spin you around and around. sick sick sick





Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Mighty, so sorry you are to deal with all that. You are right, they should be the once to be hiding from people. It is just so wrong for them to be so selfish and inconsiderate of your and the kids’ feelings. But, why I’m surprised? My H tried to start a r with our mutual friend’s cousin. I suppose he had plans to bring her to live in our vacation home, while my clothes and stuff was still there. Did he think about my feelings? NO.

I know what you mean about regressing back after so much progress has been done. I believe it is good to keep talking about your feelings until you don’t have a need anymore. This board is the perfect place to do it. I don’t know how many times I expressed the same feelings and thought over and over. And every time there is someone who would gently remind you to stay focuses on you, but at the same time listen to what you have to say without judgment.

I don’t really know what to tell you in terms of the “response training”. I would try to tell myself that I got the best years with xh, and what she’s got now is a broken man who did terrible things to his family. Here is the quote I saved from some relationship article: “if you want to marry someone who honors the commitment of marriage, why would you date someone who is married? What does that say about your own commitment to marriage?”

Then this one:
“Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.”

And this:
“Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.”

I just could not say it better. Keep this in mind, Mighty, that their r built on lies and betrayal, it is not going to last. I have an idea. Why don’t you start bringing some popcorn at your kid’s games. As soon as you see xh, you start eating popcorn and smiling, like you are watching some crazy movie, but you know that you can always get up and leave. Just a thought.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard