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edz Offline OP
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Old Thread here Old Thread Link (WAW - One month in but looking for coping advice)

Morning,

old thread locked so I thought I'd start a new one. Not much changed, W texted me to say S is a little poorly (which I wont go into here) but wanted to know how H hunting was going. Said that the flat I looked at was too small and she said lots more coming on.

Said I had cancelled a couple of viewings and Im not rushing since not much will change until she and S are in their own location I wouldnt go into more details but this is basically because I know (W told me) one of the main reasons for W being reluctant to allow S to stay is because of MIL reaction to what S says when he goes back there. Even if I move I cant see this changing as I will still have a different mind set and more technology.

So if I move I cant see much changing on S staying over, I dont want to stay here really but I dont see the point in rushing to something Im not madly keen on just to go, I also have the impression that if I move (and here I should point out that this apartment is owned by a company MIL runs but I have no interaction with her) MIL will suggest W moving back in at a reduced rent (no one has said this but I know its how MILs mind works - she will also retain "control" of what W and S are up to). Last time W and I spoke about that option she had said she thought about it but didnt want to.

W then immediately (and she never replies immediately) to say she didnt understand what not much change meant she then moved into light texting with me on TV shows.

I wouldnt be drawn into a long drawn out discussion on moving on texting, supposed to be meeting up with W and S to take him out this evening - not sure thats happening since we're both a bit lurgied - and I'll talk to her about it then if she wants to know more.

Then crashed out since Im full of cold messaged her this morning to see when she wants to meet up but not had a reply yet.

Not sure but W seems conflicted or is cake eating and getting nervous whenever I step away from what she thinks is the script, I honestly dont know at this point if she's building up to wanting to make moves to reconcile (and no Im not building expectations except that she will flip flop again) or if she and her mum are just trying to get me to vacate the apartment so she can get some space. The latter would seem odd since W has been in tears to get away from MILs control and before all this was in tears to get away from this apartment due to noise, stress and a lot of other things connected to living here and not to me.

Confused, sick and feeling very low and worse cant go swimming until this lurgy passes frown




Last edited by edz; 10/17/14 09:18 AM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 205
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Edz
I think it maybe a good idea to stop discussing your house hunting with your W .
It seems to be something that gets you down.

Can you not just stay where you are until things are a bit clearer with your W ?


Me 40
W 37
Together 22 years
S18
D12
WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months
W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life
After the 2 weeks she has left .
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edz Offline OP
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Hi South

W keeps raising it but I get your point hence I tried to head away from the conversation. I'll try harder on that one.

I could its just the issue with S sleeping over which definitely wont change while Im here (and may not anyway see previous) and technically being tied to the property of MIL.

Getting over this cold first and then see how I feel, just hate the idea of the holidays here although they wont be great anywhere to be honest!


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Jul 2014
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edz Offline OP
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Just a quick update, met up to pick up S tonight to take him to dinner, didnt want to get into the housing situation but sure enough W confirmed she wants to move back in to the apartment if I move out. She wants to be in by Christmas if possible before she has a major bust up with her parents.Pretty much the tenancy means if I dont go she can ask her mum to activate the two month clause and I'd have to leave in January anyway.

Sigh.

So I either push myself out or push S unfairly in the middle of a battle royale get W irate and kybosh any hope I have. Great.

Oh well Rightmove here I come I suppose.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 205
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Posts: 205
Edz

Think I've seen this written before and it was something like .

Don't make things easy for the WAW .

All things like she made her bed so she can sleep in it . The grass isn't always greener on the other ride etcetc.

So let's get this right you can't have S stay over at your place but W wants you out so she can move in .

Your situation seems insane. It would explain why W is asking so many questions about your house hunting .

hopefully a vet can put there views maybe mr bond .


Me 40
W 37
Together 22 years
S18
D12
WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months
W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life
After the 2 weeks she has left .
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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Sounds like trying to stay is just an argument for arguments sake. But there does seem like a double standard being applied over S staying over.

Feels like there should be an assertively stated boundary in there but not entirely sure of the best way to say it.

I'd guess something like
'I understand your wish to move in by Christmas and I am taking the steps I need to to help you achieve that but I would prefer you refrained from continually asking me about it. It is also clear that there is no issue with S staying in the apartment and so I would like to discuss the arrangements for this to happen in the bear future'

I'm not great at this so I probably not that but its maybe a starting point.

Vets input needed me thinks.

Last edited by jim0987; 10/18/14 07:41 AM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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How about u do what's best FOR YOU, not your W. If that happens to be the same thing so be it. U can't dictate her life, don't let her do that to u. But be in emotional control and pleasant whatever u decide. My 2 ¢


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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edz Offline OP
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Thanks for the feedback guys.

Was in a serious state today and set myself away to think in a dispasionate way.

I cant think of a single upside to staying here beyond some weird need to get her to realise the manipulation her mother performs on her, I don't see that would work really and even if it did what would it do to help? I cant think of anything beyond putting S in an unpleasant situation slap bang between MIL and W, exactly the sort of situation my 180s are supposed to be moving away from.

I didnt want to move here in 2010 and although its spacious its in disrepair (and MIL/FIL are lacklustre at repairworks)

So to my choices as per bravos point to do whats best for me.

Move, but dont pick any old place for speed, pick something I'll enjoy and S will enjoy and that has room for another person, the door is open for that to be W but I need to make sure I dont have any expectations that that will happen and she may just choose to carry on. However doing so has no down side to W and shows some of my 180s on intransigence and caring for S.

If I choose not to which I considered I will have to move by, at the latest, feb under the tennancy and I will have been pushed out, W will have had 5 months of conflict with MIL and S will have been in the middle.

Its a given my birthday and christmas are pretty much not going to be what I want, I can try to aim for having S shared over christmas and W has made some suggestions splitting christmas day and him sleeping over so I need to let go of hope for a "disney" happy ending, its not going to happen.

I get the double standard thing, I confronted her on it. Her answer did make sense, at the moment S would come to me have his own room, tech, space, fun then go back to MIL no room, no tech once I move he has a nice room and facilities in both places hence the difference. Effectively the issue isnt me, its the involvement of MIL this removes her from the situation.

So whats best for me short term is to get out of here and break my link with MIL and also a new space and room to build, gives me an opportunity to set up a nice "home" for S. Middle term it will be a better maintained property and will remove the PIL involvement in my life and give S a bolt hole thats ot connected to them. Long term, who knows, maybe a nice home environment will be a pull factor to W, although that cant be counted on.

So thats where I am, apart from trying to "punish" under a 'youve made your bed' scenario I cant think of any benefit to me either in DBing or my happiness, to stay here.

I'd welcome any more input guys, Im trying to stay afloat in the tidal wave of confusion but I cant keep up with W's points. W has said, Im not mind reading, that she isnt trying to push me away, she's said - after I pointed out she wasnt wearing her rings - that this was not a point and she had been earlier the same day. She says she just wants space without MIL to think and see what she should do next, I cant count on anything coming of that, if - indeed - any of what she's saying is even true and this is not just a backup plan she's building in case the living alone is not something she wants.

So, for now, my decision is to look for something else. From there I dont know yet.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 52
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I am by no means a vet or qualified for advice. I see your sitch as a tough one for sure. The only thing I can gather in all of this is that for whatever reason (whether its because of prior issues in M, the separation, or part of who she is) she is trying to control her situation and those involved. At the same time it seems she really isnt thinking fully for herself in all of this.

The fact that she hasnt been upfront about the her moving in seems to show two things. 1) She is trying to get it done in a sneaky way 2) She will use conflict if need be (by using MIL) but she herself is not interested in major conflict with you.

For me I think that your biggest issue right now for the time being is the involvement of MIL. Yes staying makes a statement and gets her to lie in her own bed. but it also causes a lot of conflict and a battle royal between you and MIL. The plus side to a move is having her being less of an influence by W not living with her. doouble standard or not the key here for me is if it gets me more time with my kids I would take the hit for it. I am moving from an awesome place in FL with access to beach and mild winters to a frozen tundra. All because I want to have more time with my kids. your in my thoughts and prayers man.


Me 38
WAW 40
S 10
S 5
M 5 years
BD 10/04/14
S 10/04/14
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Just my opinion but I think you hit it square on with your first option. Move but at your pace to somewhere you are happy with where you can set up a room for your S. Let him get involved in decorating etc. Use it as bonding opportunity with him.

Personally I don't follow your W reasoning. S isn't allowed back to his bedroom and his stuff because he doesn't have it at MILs. Don't get it but that's not unusual at the moment.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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