Advice wanted: WAH got really sick (nothing serious just bad flu) and called me to come help him with doctor, meds, etc. I came over to his place and made him food, etcetera etc. While bustling around his kitchen I see all kinds of receipts and evidence of his dating life. Weekend trips, dinner and cocktail bar receipts, empty wine bottles...
It really bugs me. He calls ME when he is deathly ill. Where are all these women he is taking out on the town? Why doesn't he call them?
In a way I want to take it as a compliment that he calls me when he is sick but am I just being a sucker? What is going in in his tiny little head?
Is it wrong to ask him why he called me instead of one of his dates?
I suspect the answer to that last question is YES but I'll refrain from commenting further since getting a call to come help my H is not my specialty ;-)
Anyone else?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I don't think that's the correct phrasing, but you know, you put your foot down when he tried to cancel on you in order to go on a date, and I don't see anything wrong with setting the same boundaries here.
Thanks ladies! I refrained from asking so far. I did mention "oh I see you went to (small town)" and he replied "oh yes it was nice, lots of good food and sightseeing. You should go." Very relaxed. Ok...
I don't know if he is still just dating around, if it is one special person or what. Overnight trips would seem to suggest a "special person".
Maybe he did call this special person first and she couldn't be there. I have no idea.
If I put my emotion and ego aside, I'm guessing that DB would say to handle his request for help with grace and kindness and to show my best side rather than discussing OWs and making an argument when he is feeling weak. Who knows, maybe he asked OW for help and she said no and I will come out looking better or something like that. I guess I'll just be kind and see how it plays out. Perhaps if things remain in the status quo after he is feeling better, then I will tell him that in the future he should not rely on me as we are not in a relationship.
On the other hand honestly I am not attracted to him at all. He has lost a lot of weight and looks like a skeleton. And I also am just not that excited by his personality. I keep questioning if I only want him back to "win". How can I know?
I said I would go back and help him again so if anyone else has insight please let me know?
On the other hand honestly I am not attracted to him at all. He has lost a lot of weight and looks like a skeleton. And I also am just not that excited by his personality. I keep questioning if I only want him back to "win". How can I know?
Lisa, no insight whatsoever, just saying hi. I would have been highly annoyed at the whole thing, too. I say go help him if it's really something you want to do, but don't read anything into it. Do if for you if it's something you want, don't do it if it isn't.
I sometimes wonder if I want H back for the "win". I don't think so, I think I really want my family together. But that's different than wanting H back for himself. And now that he's told my kids and moved out, destroying my idea of a family anyway, I'll just have to wait and see how I feel in a couple of months.
I say go, but keep it very superficial. You have the chance to surprise him by looking eager at first ("sure, coming to save you!") and then make him doubt by being a polite, distant friend. Leave quick as if you have something to do -- even better if you really do.
By the way, I find it really weird that he would call on you to help with a bad flu. There are plenty of single or lonely people who survive it just fine. I can't imagine calling on my W because of a bad flu, even if I have the kids that week (we'll see!).
By the way, any reason you don't have a signature with your sitch details and timeline?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks for the advice and for checking in, my friends. (Mozza the signature is there now)
Well, I don't know what to say. WAH left his computer and phone open right next to me while going to take a nap. Of course I looked at it.
He is still seeing OW#1/homewrecker casually and chatting with her daily, they seem to be the best of friends. Going out to dinner, maybe sometimes sex and that sort of thing. They've managed to maintain a friends with sometimes benefits relationship. Until she starts seeing someone else I suppose. But he's still in love with her I think. Fog.
And he is dating quite a few others and still online dating. One OW he took on the weekend trip last week, another OW who he has been seeing casually for a few months. And to top it off they are all checking up on him and making sure he has food, fluids and medicine. One of them came by this weekend with juice and made soup for him. She offered to come by again but he said that I was there helping him.
So no, he doesn't really need me. He has an army of women. I'm not sure why he called me except that I have a flexible work schedule. And he was frightened because he thought he needed to go to the hospital.
I'm just not sure how to handle this new information about all the OWs. Of course it bothers me and annoys me. How to handle it? Do I cut him off to enjoy his slew of OWs? Do I take away my friendship entirely? At this point I don't even know what I want.
Since I saw his messages and emails I now know that the funny jokes and silly photos he sends me he is also sending to the OWs! At the exact same moment... I guess I am just one of them now... not special but not out of the loop either. I'm not sure if that is good or bad.
Thanks very much for the advice and tips. If anyone has further insights I would be interested to hear them!
Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Lisa, do you want to be part of a harem? Do you want to be in competition with other women? If so, carry on. If not, remove yourself with the clear conscience that he will be taken care of by someone else.
IMO, you deserve someone who doesn't think of you as one of the pack.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
