Wow - that was a great post by Sandi2! Thanks for highlighting it, Lisa.
I don't know what to say about your meet up with H. I find it so hard to figure out these interactions, too. Seems like you guys get into R talk a lot. Is that him bringing it up or you? Can you try to dodge that a bit more this weekend?
Something else that strikes be about your sitch - you seem to interact with your H quite a lot even while you know he is openly dating. Is that promoting cake eating? Have you thought about setting some boundaries?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hi ganb8te! Thanks for your feedback. Yes I was wondering that too, especially after reading Sandi's post. If he is openly dating should I cut him off toatlly? I am not sure what exactly to do.
The thing is, I have handled this DB thing a little differently than some on here. I have only told my WAH that I thought we should try to work things out during BD. After that I tried to appear like I was moving on with my life and that I didn't give a crap what he did. That was basically the advice I received on here and also seemed logical to me in a way. If he thought I was still hanging on he would not fear losing me.
However during this process he has tried to be friendly. I think he wants to be "friends" because he does not want to lose me but is still not asking to reunite.
I have always been torn about how much to communicate with him. I have been NC, I have been dark, I have been super friendly. I have NEVER said "if you date others then don't bother calling me" or "don't contact me unless you want to get back together" because all along I have been pretending I don't care and am moving on. So how can I say that? I just try to pretend I don't care that much about him, and let him do most/all of the reaching out.
When he said he really missed my friendship and was unhappy I did not agree and say how sad I am too, instead I started talking about how great my life is now.
If I stop communicating he will miss me. It has worked. But then what? That can't continue indefinitely. The LRT is supposed to be temporary. But how do you know when to stop? If he wonders if he made a mistake then won't he want to talk, to see me, to spend time together to see if he still has feelings or whatever? I think there are different opinions on how to deal with that transition. One group says you need to try to be friendly so that you can build some sort of relationship to open that door. The other says you must be distant until they come begging.
Knowing my H he will not come begging unless he sees a glimmer of possibility that he will not be rejected.
I just keep trying to appear confident, happy with my life and like I am moving on (and I am truly) and hope that works to inspire him. And try to be friendly enough that he could see it as a glimmer of hope or an open door. Also his LL is quality time...
I don't know. I am struggling with exactly what to do. My idea is to try being friendlier now that he seems to be sad, he's reaching out and the fog seems to be lifting a little bit.
And thanks ganb8te, I will try to look out for the R talk and drop the subject when it comes up. And yes, he tends to bring it up.
This weekend will be one of the first times we have plans other than just a quick meal. We are supposed to spend the afternoon together. I think after that I will have a better idea where his head is now, but who knows. I won't be asking!
Thinking of you this weekend, Lisa. I'm sure you'll of great! Your PMA always shines through on these boards so I can only imagine what it is like in person. Good luck! Or rather ganbatte!
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hi ganb8te! Thanks for saying hi and your kind words. Thinking of you too! I liked the letter you wrote to your H. And I can relate!
Things have been going well with me, I've been very busy with work and having lots of fun on the side.
I've been communicating a lot with my H. Trying some new tactics.
We had made plans to meet up this weekend but he sent me a message asking if we could reschedule another day. I had to ask why. And of course, you guessed it, he had a date. I was having a tough day at work already when he told me this and I exploded. I don't think I went too overboard but instead of holding it in somewhat as I might usually - I just told him (over text) that I felt it was very rude to cancel on me for a date and I did not appreciate it.
Of course this led to him trying to defend himself at first, then realizing he was an ass and apologizing and trying to make up for it.
I felt down on myself for getting in the fight, but later I recognized quite a few positives from the confrontation: - one of our problems in the relationship was conflict avoidance. Maybe it was too much of an R-talk subject but the fact that I said it was not acceptable was a new thing for me. - he only got a little defensive and then said that he was "stupid" (his words, not mine) and he apologized! more than once! unheard of!!! - I told him that it hurt me because I had been looking forward to spending time with him, which was a big step for me to say anything positive to him since BD. It felt good to say something nice. - he said again that he really misses me and "needs" me in his life (as a friend). And he said "but I told you I didn't want it anymore so now I can't complain that I'm sad without it". Interesting. - he asked me to have dinner next week and he cancelled his date plans to keep the weekend plans with me - he said he thought our plans were only a maybe and so we could do it another day, he wasn't trying to cancel, just adjust days to fit all his activities in. but he realized that it seemed like a rude and hurtful thing from my perspective. - since the conversation he has been very friendly texting a lot and asked me to meet up a few times (I've been busy and couldn't)
It would be silly to say things are looking better, I have no idea what is in his head. I would say at least things have drastically improved since BD when he was treating me worse than dirt. At least now I am a treasured friend, or so he says. It's difficult for me to believe that he only sees me as an amazing friend that he can't live without but has no romantic or sexual feelings. I guess it could happen but it doesn't make very much sense to me that my friendship is that exciting.
Anyway, that's the latest scoop. Hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend! Hugs, Lisa
Wow Lisa, you are my hero! It sounds like your tactics have definitely drawn your H's attention. What's amazing is that you were able to be direct about your feelings with him and that it didn't push him away, but made him see the error of his ways. That is rare, I think. I'll be very interested to hear how the coming week goes. Keep us posted and keep up the awesome PMA!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
haha Ahoy, yes I was surprised too! Thanks for the awesome comments and I'll keep you updated if anything interesting happens. Hope your weekend was nice! Hugs, Lisa
Hi Lisa, Looks like your H bumped up against a boundary…and there was an interesting response! He seems sooo confused; I can see why you are confused by his responses. I agree with Ahoy, it seems you have his attention!
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Thanks for the awesome comments and I'll keep you updated if anything interesting happens.