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Emily E Offline OP
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Thank you for the responses!

The reason I am having such a hard time with this is b/c I don't know who to DB in my M. I know that sounds weird, but a good part of the reason my husband & I seperated was b/c of his daughter, my step-daughter. Should I do the 180s and everything on him without focus on him? Should I just DB him? This is confusing.

Also, I have not texted my H all day, and he texted me asking to Skype with our son. I said I didn't know. I gave myself time to make the appropriate action. I did let him call him (skype was acting up), but let my son "talk" (he's only 16 months old) to his father, and did not speak to my husband. When we were texting, he told me was excited to see his son this weekend and hoped I wasn't going back on my word to bring him (we live 4 hrs apart). I told him that I had made plans for the weekend and that I wasn't. Was this a bad move? I thought it would be good to show that I as moving forward and not just sit at home like I normally do on weekends. Going to look my best when I go see him.

I really do want my M to work, and I guess it's hard since the contact is so limited. But when I heard m H on the phone, I knew I wanted to be there with him. I miss him.

I went for a run with my son today. It wasn't long, but it's a start. Mostly, I have to get him adjusted to being in a stroller and jogging like that. We went for a walk after dinner, so I really am trying to be as active as possible with him and to lose weight.

I read some more DR today, and it inspires me to save my M. I love this website and the support I have.

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Originally Posted By: Emily E
I'm up step-5. I had to take a break and stop wrapping my head around so much! It's frustrating to read this book and see where I went wrong, and know how to fix it now, but not being able to b/c my Husband doesn't want anything to do with me. I think that's what depresses me most. But I will take it a day at a time, and stay focused on my goals.

I hope my goals are good. They're very simple.
1. Get my husband to text me something that is not about our son. (He kind've did that today, so I'm happy about that, but I want a little more)

2. For my husband to call even if he ONLY talks about our son.

3. Talk to me face to face about my weekend plans (I am seeing him next weekend).

I figures these are easy weekly goals I can expand on weekly?



Try to stick to one thread.

Your goals should be things that YOU can control and not have anything to do with him.

Like I will go for a walk every day at 5PM.

I will read one chapter of my book each day.


OK?


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Originally Posted By: Emily E
The reason I am having such a hard time with this is b/c I don't know who to DB in my M. I know that sounds weird, but a good part of the reason my husband & I seperated was b/c of his daughter, my step-daughter. Should I do the 180s and everything on him without focus on him? Should I just DB him? This is confusing.

Also, I have not texted my H all day, and he texted me asking to Skype with our son. ....I did let him call him (skype was acting up), but let my son "talk" (he's only 16 months old) to his father, and did not speak to my husband. When we were texting, he told me was excited to see his son this weekend and hoped I wasn't going back on my word to bring him (we live 4 hrs apart).

...I told him that I had made plans for the weekend and that I wasn't. Was this a bad move? I thought it would be good to show that I as moving forward and not just sit at home like I normally do on weekends. Going to look my best when I go see him.

...I went for a run with my son today. It wasn't long, but it's a start. ....so I really am trying to be as active as possible with him and to lose weight.


You are getting good advice to focus. To respond to some of your questions.

DB is for you and your spouse. If your H is controlled by his daughter, he is not going to be either a good father or H. You can include her in what you plan for your 180's, but the focus is on your marriage and what you can control. You can certainly do things to rebuild your relationship with your stepD and become a fascinating person and perhaps role model to her.

GAL is about you and making you a better and more interesting/fascinating person in the eyes of your spouse and the world.

Isn't it great how "not texting" and not being communication clingy is working out for you. Really think about how much of a change it is making. Let that encourage you in your other DB efforts. Celibrate your successes as small or brief as they may be.

He has a right to see his son and you have a right to some freedom. Going out this weekend is not wrong. What are you planning on doing? Is it going to make you a more interesting person to your H? Is it going to make you a better person? You could always sign up at the last minute for a 5K fun run/walk to help raise money for a charity (walking 3.1 miles should be doable, maybe not running it if you haven't trained, but walking it). You could see if there is some kind of group activity you could be part of, say a neighborhood clean-up, food bank gleaning/harvest activity, dance class, etc.

Yes, look good for him when he shows up, but remember that at this phase you want to detach, you can leave him wanting, but you need to keep your distance until he realizes that you are not the same person he left. He needs to understand that and make changes in himself. Until then, don't throw yourself at him, beg him or plead with him to come back to you. You want the situation to change for the better.

Good luck and try to be consistent in how you implement your DBing.


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
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So, my husband called me and told me that our divorce hearing is set for the 24th. This made me panic. He also said that he was feeling depressed about not being there for our son. I encouraged him to tell me how he was feeling and that I understood, but did not pressure him. I did call him and tried to tell him that I have changed for the better whether we stay together or not. He didn't hear me b/c my phone kept going in and out. I told him I would call him when I got home, but thought that I shouldn't, so I just texted me and told him that we shouldn't talk anymore tonight and I will text him on Thursday to set a drop off date.

I think if he wouldn't have dropped the hearing date, I would have handled myself better, but I panicked. That means we only have 10 days together left as husband and wife. I could hear it in his voice that he wasn't happy, so maybe his depression over our son is a step in the right direction.I'm just afraid that if I don't tell him that I'm willing to work it out he'll forget. But then I think that I've all ready told him a thousand times all ready, so he knows.

I went to the nail salon and got some nails and my eyebrows waxed. That made me feel better about myself, and I know it's different from how I normally look, so i expect my husband to take notice. (I mean my family did, so he certainly should). I made some new goals, b/c I guess those were my relationship goals. It's very hard to determine if I should remain silent or say something in the situations sometimes.

Trying to get my 180s in check and do them. Plan on making a list and implementing ASAP. I keep praying, and I know this is working. I just hope it works in time before we split "officially".

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Been doing good today. I bought a new book ( for pleasure) and a work out dvd. I thought both would be great for days I'm off work. Also,went to the animal shelter and got a puppy for my son and myself. He is very cute. I named him 'Ranger'. My son is going to love him. He seemed calm and gentle.

Other than that, haven't done much today. Talked to my husband this morning about our son. Haven't told him we got a dog, or intend to.

I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future, but I'm liking where I'm going. I still love my husband and hope he come around. Just stay the course!

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I think I'm done. I am so mad at him and it doesn't feel like we will ever be back together. I just want to move on and have the best life I can for my son. There's just too much hurt that we need to work through. He doesn't want to try, so no way that we can ever get through it.

Taking a break for a little bit.

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Originally Posted By: Emily E
So, my husband called me and told me that our divorce hearing is set for the 24th. This made me panic. He also said that he was feeling depressed about not being there for our son. I encouraged him to tell me how he was feeling and that I understood, but did not pressure him. I did call him and tried to tell him that I have changed for the better whether we stay together or not. He didn't hear me b/c my phone kept going in and out. I told him I would call him when I got home, but thought that I shouldn't, so I just texted me and told him that we shouldn't talk anymore tonight and I will text him on Thursday to set a drop off date.

I think if he wouldn't have dropped the hearing date, I would have handled myself better, but I panicked. That means we only have 10 days together left as husband and wife. I could hear it in his voice that he wasn't happy, so maybe his depression over our son is a step in the right direction.I'm just afraid that if I don't tell him that I'm willing to work it out he'll forget. But then I think that I've all ready told him a thousand times all ready, so he knows.

I went to the nail salon and got some nails and my eyebrows waxed. That made me feel better about myself, and I know it's different from how I normally look, so i expect my husband to take notice. (I mean my family did, so he certainly should). I made some new goals, b/c I guess those were my relationship goals. It's very hard to determine if I should remain silent or say something in the situations sometimes.

Trying to get my 180s in check and do them. Plan on making a list and implementing ASAP. I keep praying, and I know this is working. I just hope it works in time before we split "officially".

...Also,went to the animal shelter and got a puppy for my son and myself. He is very cute. I named him 'Ranger'. My son is going to love him...


OK, If you ever emotionally panic again, tell him you need to excuse yourself until you get your emotions in control. If you want to read up on it, it is called emotional flooding and basically your fight or flight instinct and adreneline shut down your thinking part of your brain.

A divorce hearing is not the same thing as a final papers in most states. In most states even after all sides agree there is up to a 6 month waiting period until the divorce is finalized. I don't know what the law is in your state, but it probably doesn't mean you only have 10 or less days as husband and wife. Even if it is, you can only control what you can control and that is you!

Doing a make-over sounds like a great idea. Way to go. Feel good about you. Confidence and a postitive self-image are really attractive qualities.

Getting a puppy sounds great. Now figure out a way that you and your son can exercise said puppy as a way of all of you bonding and part of your GAL. Maybe even sign up for a dog training course. (By the way, training men isn't that much different than training a dog, a lot of the same rules apply)

It is pretty clear that you are emotionally all over the place, "please come back," calm detachment, I hate him and want to move on. You really do need to work on your emotions and what you want out of life. If you don't know you can't be consistent in your DB'ing.

Good luck and keep reading DB.


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
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Thank you Young at Heart. I really needed to hear those words. I called him today to apologize. Yes, I need to get my emotions in check. I knew that was going to be the hardest part. I need to do my 180s and stick to it.

I talked to my lawyer today and as long as I don't get served papers, then I don't have to attend which gives us a little more time.

My son is a year and a half old so taking him anywhere is hard lol. We did get to go outside and play with the puppy. The puppy followed him around and he laughed. It was very refreshing.

Tomorrow I am going to see my husband to drop my son off. My plan is to hand my son over and leave. NO lingering, NO talking. I am going to be an emotional wreck. My son hasn't spent the night away from me since he was born. Although I am looking forward to the weekend, it is just crappy. I am going to have to keep busy so I don't linger on it.

I just don't know what to think anymore. My husband is in the Navy, and he will be here defiantly until April. After that, he might move to California, or he might stay in San Antonio. I hope he stays so he can see our son. But then, it's like... okay then what? Are you just going to keep requesting San Antonio? I mean by the time he has to leave again, my son will be just starting school. He's not going to be able to see him, and he might get deployed on top of that. I think he realizes this, but is taking it as it comes. IDK. I know it may seem like I'm thinking too much into the future, but these are things I have to think about due to our situation. So, maybe we don't get back together immediately, maybe it'll take a year or two. I think that's what it's going to take for us to fix everything anyway, and to fully heal from everything that's been said.

So, idk. Still love him and hate him, but my love out weighs the bad.

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You know, you still didn't write down the list of issues in your M. If you don't do that, we can't tell you how to make things better.

Did you actually read the DB/DR books?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Emily E Offline OP
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I'm in the process of reading DR. Up to Step 5 the last resort since that's where I am. Plan to do more this weekend when my son is with H.

Issues with my M. Ok here goes:

1. Step- Daughter: I don't know if you remember in DR when Michele talked about how she would 'soften' the blow when her husband tried to discipline their daughter. This was the same situation with me. Every time I went to discipline her, he would cut in, tell me I was doing it wrong and get mad at me. That would in turn cause me to resent her. My treatment of her did decline, and we became him/here against me.

2. Depression: I became pregnant with our son as soon as we got married. This came with a lot of hormonal changes and sickness. It got better but everything going on with my step-daughter caused me to be depressed and only focus on my baby. Then, when my son was born, I became Post-partum and was put on anti-depressants. I was on them for awhile, but they made me feel tired and just totally out of sync with what was going on.

3. Money: My husband is always thinking about money. That's all he talks about. We never had enough, and when we did, we always spent it wrong. To me, this wasn't as bit of a deal as the other two, but it's there.

4. We never spent time together! I was too afraid to leave our infant son with someone to go out. I was very anxious and nervous, and so we never left the house unless my mom could come and babysit (she lives 4 hours away so it was hard).

5. The Affair. His selection of whom this affair was with is confusing. He was with a woman before we met for about a year, and this was the woman he "re-connected" with, I suppose. They were talking since July until I found out about it in September. I'm not 100% sure that it's over, but I do know that she lives in VA. I somewhat think he did this as a last resort to get me to leave, but then idk why he just didn't file for divorce. This was the last thing I expected from him and honestly, there's no excuse for it. I guess I'm forgiving of it, but not completely. I understand why he did it, but think "Well, I was unhappy, and I never thought of that." Divorce, yes. An affair, not even the slightest.

The trust is, I do love my husband. I love my step-daughter. I guess I just need to pick myself back up and start all over again.

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