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lost18 Offline OP
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Just checking in, not too much new with my sitch.

Not a whole lot of communication with H. I could really use some advice regarding this. I feel like the lack of communication is not a good thing but following DB rules I know I shouldn't initiate contact. Last time I needed to get info to him I emailed him....he then texted me, very brief convo about a "business" matter, at the end he engaged in more conversation about D16 but seemed to cut it off fairly quickly. Did the same thing last time we were communicating as well, asked if I had heard from S19 and when I responded he didn't reply again. Lots of mind reading going on on my end. When we do communicate, other than the fact that is usually just by text, it's "normal" and friendly.

I guess my question is, considering our situation, should I continue with the way things are or reach out occasionally?


Am doing much better taking care of me, still need to work on GAL but getting there!

-Taking my meds (anti-depressants and hormone)
-taking vitamins
-drinking more water
-walking, working up to running at least 3 days a week, usually with a friend
-going to bed earlier

-have also been subbing more, working on a permanent position
-continuing making progress on the house (still a ways to go)
-still researching the coffee/gift shop for sale
-looking into taking photography courses (depends on work)
-looking for races to sign up for (5ks to start)
-going to plan a football party (once my house is back together) use to have several during the season and haven't had any in a couple of years!

Overall I feel better, think I probably need to set some new goals for myself. I already know one of them is going to be to eat better, just one more step to a healthier, happier me!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Went to IC today, feel I wasted my session. Didn't really talk about my sitch much at all, talked about the world in general. I'm ok with doing that occasionally but I feel like I needed to talk about my sitch more today. I just feel like I'm going in circles....

Time is flying by and although I feel like I'm making progress, it's very slow going. My IC says I'm too hard on myself.

On another note, I have plans this Fri to go to a baseball game with an old friend from HS and SIL. I have actually known SIL longer than H, she is 3 years older than me and we are from a very small town. Our friend is from a town about 10 miles from ours and I'm pretty sure we both had a crush on him at some point way back when! lol! Good change of pace for me. I need to start doing more things outside of the house and kids.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Didn't realize how long it's been since I've posted. haven't been on the past couple of weeks because H is home. Trying to be positive, happy etc.

so he is sleeping on a twin mattress on the floor in our extra bedroom...right now I'm pretty sure he's in there texting OW.

Hardest thing I've done.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Originally Posted By: lost18
Didn't realize how long it's been since I've posted. haven't been on the past couple of weeks because H is home. Trying to be positive, happy etc.

so he is sleeping on a twin mattress on the floor in our extra bedroom...right now I'm pretty sure he's in there texting OW.

Hardest thing I've done.



I'm having a real hard time detaching too. I just caught up on a little of your situation. Hang in there.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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"Didn't realize how long it's been since I've posted. haven't been on the past couple of weeks because H is home."

Why did he come home?

"Trying to be positive, happy etc. "

Not good enough. What other changes are you putting in to play? What's your strategy?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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lost18 Offline OP
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So it has been an interesting few weeks.

H came home because he suffered another back injury on the job. He was planning on resigning, going to Europe(brother lives there) for a couple of months and then coming home. In the meantime, shipping most of his things home. Instead he ended up home 3 weeks ago. 3 weeks into him being here and I'm feeling positive, but trying not to be unrealistic.

When he hurt his back he called me and let me know right away, was obviously not happy with the situation and told me his employer would probably be sending him to Dubai for an MRI. Then after a few minutes said they would probably end up sending him back to he States because it couldn't be fixed in Dubai. I validated his feelings, asked if there was anything I could do.

Almost a week later I hadn't heard from him so I texted him to see how he was doing and what was going on. It was then that he told me that he would be home in a few days. He got home earlier than expected and the girls and I were eating dinner, unfortunately I wasn't prepared so I was a mess...lol!

He ended up telling me later that HE was the one who made the decision to come home, his company was going to send him to Dubai.

The next morning after the girls went to school he asked if I had been on his laptop (which I hadn't) and he told me how he was dreading coming back because he knew I was going to be snooping thru his stuff like this summer. I used that opportunity to set a boundary of my own and told him that I would appreciate it if he didn't communicate with other women while the girls and I were home. He acted like that was crazy that he would even do that, but I decided I was not going to be a pushover. I think for the most part he has been respectful in that regard.

These are some of the things I've been doing, and tho I'm far from perfect I think it's been positive.

-listen and try to validate when he shares with me (which has been alot)
-keep the house clean
-limit time on computer
-wear a little make up and perfume (even when I'm in raggedy jeans and a t-shirt)
-try not to react negatively to his jabs (there have been a few) I've been NOT reacting, I need to work on positive reactions
-continue to work on the house (painting, new decor)
-continue to apply for jobs, and sub when possible
-meet my friend to run 2-3 days a week
-play softball and go out with team afterwards
-cook some food he enjoys (nachos for dinner last night!)
-continue to see my counselor
-don't ask questions about where he was or who was on the phone
-give him space
-I don't tell him where I'm going
-don't text or call him (unless necessary ie. kids)
-don't bring up relationship, telling the kids, him going to Germany, getting his own place
-smile and laugh as much as possible


Both of the girls were gone this weekend so we were alone. It went pretty well, I came home friday from work and he had bought a jeep...I love it!! Perfect timing as far as weather too! Friday I play softball, so I went to my game and out after and he was sleeping when I got home. Saturday we had beautiful weather, I took him to car dealer to get his truck and drove the jeep back...roof off, music blasting, gulf view...it was therapy! When I got home I went outside and started doing yard work, I didn't ask him to help for many reasons but with his back he shouldn't be doing stuff like that anyway. After I had been outside for 30-45 minutes he came out and started helping me, we did yard work for about 2-3 hours. Later I asked him if he wanted to go out and grab some dinner, he said he was thinking about that too! We went out, had a nice time, came home and I fell asleep on the couch before he went to bed. He is sleeping in the extra bedroom but did say goodnight before he went to bed...that is rare!

I'm trying not to read too much into anything, which is very hard, but we have been getting along well and spending some time together. There is no physical contact, he avoids it for the most part and he still keeps his phone very guarded. I'm trying not to have expectations (very hard) and also trying not to focus on him, trying not to mind-read or put any logic on anything he's doing. Also, he is in pain a lot of the time so I have to keep in mind that his mood is not all about me! All very difficult! Believe none of what they say and only half of what the do...but actions do speak louder than words.

I still need to do more to GAL but I hope I am planting some seeds of doubt, that's all I can hope for right now. He's still home, hasn't filed, hasn't even mentioned telling the kids. I am trying to "keep the road home paved and smooth!"

I could probably write a short story but will stop there for now. Thanks for reading and any thoughts are welcome!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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So things have been going pretty well but now he is mad at me. Really it's for something I have no control over. D13 had basketball and softball practice tonight and didn't get home until after 830. She had hit her head pretty hard before softball so also had a headache and was tired with lots of homework to do. So it is past her bedtime and she is still up. Not sure how this is my fault other than I allowed her to do multiple sports.

Anyway, in his mind it's my fault and he's pissed at me. He went to bed (sleeps in spare room). Would like any thoughts on how to handle this.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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I'd be very very tempted to just ignore it. Treat it like an unjustified outburst that is obviously more about him (tired? stressed?) than you. He'll probably have forgotten in the morning anyway and if he brings it up, don't defend yourself as it doesn't seem to be your fault at all. Validate, perhaps.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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lost18 Offline OP
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Thanks Mozza, I was tempted to ignore it but that is something I may have done in the past...or it would turn into a blowup. I did asked him this morning if he was still "pissed at me" and we had a conversation. I was able to use the "I hear what you are saying" response and we had a civilized discussion about the situation. Although I think I could have done better, it was a positive outcome.

Still trying to be patient and remember time is my friend! smile


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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My IC told me I was very disciplined today because of the way I am handling this situation. It was interesting to me because I've never thought of myself as disciplined!

This is just the strangest situation to me. On the outside everything seems normal. Hell, even on the inside...except we lack intimacy, which I am soooo missing now, I just would love a hug.

He is still avoiding any physical touch at all....which kills me, but realistically I know I'm just being impatient and/or he may never give that to me again.

The first couple of weeks he was home I think he drew a line, he came in our room and I was changing so he retreated very quickly, last night he came into the bathroom while I was showering...I know that may sound strange but I feel like that was progress.

I really am trying not to read into everything he says or does but still finding that extremely difficult. He uses you/your me/mine quite a bit which irritates me and I know it shouldn't.

Here's hoping for a good weekend! Baby steps and patience.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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