still holding on - 4

[u-turn]

It's been a while again, but I've actually stayed busy with the kids (S20 was home this weekend). Had a "date" day with W, which was really good and W's birthday was Sunday low key celebration - family dinner.

I think she has inner struggles that she covers up much of the time, but it does show at times. She is becoming more detached again.

We had a bit of a breakdown on Sun when I walked in on her getting her birth control pills out of her purse. She had the hand in the cookie jar look, hid them, and tried to make an over the top nice conversation. I looked distant - she stopped, I said I'm sorry, but I saw what she was doing. She had anger and asked me if I wanted to know why. I waited to back down my comments that would not have been helpful, but said sure (I'm going to continue taking these because it controls my moods and bleeding (sorry for the graphic)). I shrugged and said that I didn't know about that. But I did say that there are too many secrets (not helpful, I know).

We got through dinner and went to our corners for the night.

She sent me a text yesterday saying "I can tell you my head and heart are in the right place. Just closed off to me and everyone right now".

I later responded that I wish she could open up to me. I want to help, but I don't know how.

She said she didn't know how either, I am trying.

I'm not sure what any of this means and what I should do, but I am not feeling good about it again. I want to tell her how I feel, but again I know this does not matter and would not be helpful.

[PeterV2]

Have you thought about seeing a MC? Just to help you two through this.

[u-turn]

We went to a MC a hand full of times in May-June and she wouldn't go any more at the time. Later I found out that one of the reasons was that she was still having an A and was just lying (and I also found out that MC knows the OM).

I have not brought that up a MC again. I would definitely like to, but I don't know if she is ready. If I ask her and say that I would like to go, it may be pressuring her. I've been patiently waiting for her to ask me. She hasn't told me that she is ready to work on us again.

[PeterV2]

What I did recently, is to tell her I'm going to see the MC and said if she wants to come along she's welcome. That it may actually help me, in case the perspective I express to the MC is flawed - that she would then have the opportunity to correct me.
She's coming with me tomorrow to our MC. (Just to make sure I'm not blowing wind up the MC's a$$)

[u-turn]

Good luck at the MC.

I am hoping to get there again too with her but I do worry it will set her back. It helped me when we went, but I ended up going by myself more than she went (she'd not show up, or want to cancel, or just say no toward the end). I was in a much different state of mind at the time and was very emotional (this was all pre-db).

I think I will bring it up to her today. Ask if she is open to going to a different MC.

side note: I've been feeling like an employee at my house again lately and feel like I've internally taken some steps backwards too. I've been getting that punch in the gut feeling every day again.

She's commented on how I know how to do the right things all the time. I don't know why this doesn't help her see things more clearly. I don't know if this is what she wants.

Thanks

[PeterV2]

Patience my friend. Baby steps. No pressure.

[u-turn]

I know Peter. Patience.
I've written myself a letter that won't be sent to W. I don't know if this will help with my patience, but it is how I feel. It may also help me with verbalizing if ever given the chance.

I told you that I didn't feel like you were coming back and you looked shocked by this.

What I meant by that was-

You have been nice to me, present for me and the kids and it seems normal at times and I love these normal times. Believe me that it is not a case of you not doing enough, but I want you to be true to yourself.

I don't need you to do nice things for me - unless you want to
I don't need you to be anything you don't want to be
I don't need you to do anything for me - unless you want to

I just want you to be you and I want to love that person. I choose to love you.

You want me to be happy and show happiness. I know I am in control of my feelings and happiness. I try, but sometimes it only covers what is happening since I do not know what you want or who you want or how you want your life to be. I am only waiting and faking it. I continue to hurt.

Not knowing what decisions you are making makes it so hard and unsettling. Not hearing or seeing that you have decided anything makes me doubtful. We are in the biggest crisis or our lives and you diluted it into - we are just fighting over something. I just don't see it that way.

I've said and written so many things this year - and I've meant it all at the time. Some I shouldn't have said and kept it to myself. Some were written and said in panic. I really think you know what I am about. I've been open with you.

I want to find the confidence in us that I have always had. I don't want to control you and I want you to be happy with who you are. I want to find a way to be husband and wife again - if that is what you want. I don't know how to get this back on my own. I think I can regain trust - but don't know how to do it on my own.

I want to know what you think your path is, what you find acceptable in a relationship, where you see me fitting in with that.

I am a traditional man, I have traditional values, and want a traditional relationship with you. Maybe I am naive and life doesn't happen like that. I just never concerned myself with that - ever. I need to know if it cannot be this way.

[PeterV2]

Wow. That could be me talking. You nailed it U-turn! That's exactly how I feel, word for word.

I know you can't give this to her. I couldn't give it to my W. It would be "pressuring". But yeah, it's certainly healthy to put it down in writing. Good work!

[u-turn]

Some troubles with the kids that W&I may have caused or certainly didn't help with.

S-20 was diagnosed with PTSD and depression from a campus counselor. (I don't know if this diagnosis is valid though - he went in to the initial meeting with this self-diagnosis in mind; I believe this counselor is a student that is being observed by a DR.; and S-20 said the counselor teared up during their meeting (not a good sign at all - in my opinion).

We have known this for a couple weeks and he posted it on FB the other night. This started a flood of sympathy posts to him, and a couple of "what are you thinking putting it on FB for the world to see" posts and text messages. I think he needs another opinion, but he has gone silent and isn't taking any calls from us (just a couple texts to d-14).

This diagnosis may stem from a drowning while he was working as a lifeguard, a traffic accident that he stopped to help with, and the troubles with his family. He basically came home from college and everything was unraveled.

I don't know enough about PTSD at this point to help him or even offer an opinion (which he would not accept anyway), except to get an opinion from a different C. My W's opinion is that he may have needed a label to get some attention and to have an excuse for not doing well at school again. This could be (he has wanted attention like this in the past), but I don't know how to help him right now.

I think the emotional condition I was in early summer and not really controlling myself too well until after he left for school, affected him a lot too. We all value our family and he saw it falling apart.

He did only see things in a semi-bad condition (he was not around when the bomb dropped in the spring - when I was a complete wreck). I wasn't DBng properly or riding the PMA train until after he left and unfortunately he missed that.

and

S-17 was caught smoking and the first excuse he used was it helped him to deal with the family troubles. I think we have this worked out, but just when I thought that I was doing ok holding this family together, I realize that I need to do more.

I am home with S-17 and d-14 for a couple of days (schools out). I am having some quality time with them and trying to get this house back in order.

[u-turn]

I received a text from W, while I was out at a meeting this weekend. It was a forwarded message from S-20: "S-17 & D-14 are really worried about dad. They say he isn't taking care of himself and he's been losing weight, not eating...I'm worried about him too. Try to talk to him. He listens to you."

In my mind I am doing better and feeling better. The kids must not think so. This is a major problem for me now. She forwarded it to me and did not discuss it. I wanted to address it with her, but when I mentioned it, the conversations was dissolving very quickly, so I stopped and changed the subject.

I did not mention it or address it in any way with the kids yet. They were hoping for her to help and she didn't do what they wanted. I don't know if I want to tell them that she just sent it to me. I think I will just tell them that I am ok and don't worry about me. I don't want them to think that they did anything wrong.

Then Sunday morning it hit the fan and I am not very hopeful any more. She wanted to talk and rehash.

She was upset, crying, said she's ruined me and our family but also that this is the way it is, there is nothing she can do about it. She cannot change jobs, she needs this job to take care of the kids. Maybe we should S. - then spewing how bad I was and bringing up the mistakes that I have made. (I acknowledged these again and said that I wish I had done thinks differently)

so basically (what I hear)

Get over it.
I introduced a third person into our marriage and I am sorry. There's nothing I can do about it. He is going to be a factor in our lives. What's the big deal? Stop taking it so hard. You said you could get over it and you haven't. There's nothing else I can do.

You were a bad husband. How does it feel to want something? Don't let the kids or anyone else see you hurt.

I don't know where to go from here - I was pretty upset by this yesterday and and it really got ot me last night. I never showed her this though. I'm letting it sit right now.