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Okabe Offline OP
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My wife of 18 years (together 27) told me the other day that she "didn't know" if she wanted to stay with me anymore. I had known something was wrong for the past year and had asked if anything was wrong and was always met with "no". She told me this in the context of me talking to her about some recurring issues we've had. She told me she is tired and frustrated and doesn't think I'll ever change if I haven't over 2 decades. I am using some of the concepts in Divorce Remedy and another solution oriented book. I am working on making small goals. The upside is she hasn't left or said she is going to yet. The downside is that she is hurt, angry, and mistrustful of me right now. Just trying to find direction.
Thanks.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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You'll get good advice here.

If she hasn't left yet and your prepared to put the work in you need to then you've got the chance a lot of people would love to have. Make the best of it


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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Yes, I think you came at the right moment. You're in a better position than many of us. Keep in mind that it might get worse before it gets better. Get ready for the ride.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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I wish I would have found this place early on .. I would have been FAR better off

To answer ... you are in the right place provided you want to have a better M. I would also recommend The 5 Love Languages ... in fact I need to re read a few books now that I think about it.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Okabe,
Welcome to the boards. Glad you found us, sorry you need us.
Good new is, most people around here would kill for the opportunity to be where you're at right now. Don't squander it. If you truly want help and are truly willing to put in the effort and become a husband only a fool would leave there's a excellent chance you can turn this around. But like Mozza said, it may get worse before it gets better.

1)Find Sandi's 37 rules and read them daily at first and as often as you think you need to.
2)Change your signature line like ours so it reflects your current situation.
3)You are on moderation so it will take some time for each post you make to show up, so don't get impatient with the replies. They'll come, just hang in there. Post in smaller more frequent posts until you get off mod.

You're in the right place!


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Okabe Offline OP
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Thanks for the replies. I don't have a lot of private access to a computer much of the time. I realize my situation is still better than many. I am currently trying to make sure that it doesn't go from bad to worse. I have been doing a lot of journaling, reading, and exercises in the books I am reading. I realize my part in the problems and stuff about myself that was pretty astounding to me (like how much external validation I was looking for from her and how low my esteem has been). I am working on myself because that is the one thing I can change (although she doesn't believe this). I have been trying to maintain a positive attitude. We still hug and breifly kiss, which I have increased to make sure that is happening when I leave, return, or go to sleep (although she doesn't fully hug back, more business like). I roll over and get close to her when she comes to bed (she doesn't push me away). We've made plans for next summer, but she still is cold towards me. She often refuses invitations to do stuff together (watch Tv or go on walks) and lots to play her video games instead. I am confused. I am trying to do good things, but am getting conflicting messages.
Thanks again everyone for your feedback. I appreciate it.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 155
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Okabe Offline OP
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Posts: 155
Thanks for the replies. I thought I had written something the other day, but it was written on my kindle so it may not have gone through. I am very aware that I am in a better spot than many. I am just trying my best to avoid it from getting worse. I am slowly working on things to GAL. I hadn't realized how much I depended on her for validation of my own self worth. It is confusing: she says she doesn't know if she wants to stay with me and had resolved in her mind that things will not get better yet she is making plans for the future (vacations) with me. She will hug and kiss me, but it is distant (if that makes sense) . I will continue to work on myself and see if things change. It is just very sad and confusing.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 155
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Okabe Offline OP
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Posts: 155
Well, The weekend went OK. I get mixes of smiles at moments and then cold shoulder. I feel like speaking about our relationship at this point would just be a bad idea. I am still working on GAL and small goals (some of which are working, some are not). Will see how the week goes.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 155
O
Okabe Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 155
Sorry for the infrequent posts. I don't have good access where I can do posts too often.
It seems to be going on auto pilot at this point.
Pros: She talks to me. Is most animated and conversational when talking about school.
Cons: When I speak about anything it doesn't seem heard or gets minimal replies.
Pros: There are hugs and kisses
Cons: They are initiated by me and seem to be "one way" if that makes sense.
Pros: I can cuddle up to her at night.
Cons: I kind of think this is just being tolerated.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 155
O
Okabe Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 155
Sorry for the infrequent posts. I don't have good access where I can do posts too often.
It seems to be going on auto pilot at this point.
Pros: She talks to me. Is most animated and conversational when talking about school.
Cons: When I speak about anything it doesn't seem heard or gets minimal replies.
Pros: There are hugs and kisses
Cons: They are initiated by me and seem to be "one way" if that makes sense.
Pros: I can cuddle up to her at night.
Cons: I kind of think this is just being tolerated.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
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