Is it too late?

[Wonka]

Gwen,

Honey..I feel for you and your pain.

I will unblock the phone tomorrow. I don't know if I am built for this DBusting. I mean what kind of hope is there when you are treated like a piece of trash he left along the side of the road?

I have IC tomorrow. I will wake up and try again.

In the midst of MLC, the MLCer's empathy chip is truly, truly broken. Like a bad C-3PO on the assembly line at the Skywalker Ranch. Please know that I am not trying to justify or defending the painful actions of the MLCer. The reality is that the MLCer is a very, very scared and confused person. To alleviate this horrible inner pain, they seek out external resources to get them to a happy place. Cue the OW/OM.

I had my own OW. During my own MLC, my empathy chip was totally broken. Let me tell you a short story to illustrate this point.

Ms. Wonka and I were away on a family vacation on Martha's Vineyard with her family. During one outing at the beach, I was with a small group at one certain spot while Ms. Wonka and her sister went out to swim in the ocean.

I was busy playing with our young nephew in the sand and had my back to the ocean as we were in a small hill/dune area. Then Ms. Wonka came up to me breathing hard and said, "Wonka, I almost drowned out there!" My response?

"Oh" and I went right back to what I was doing with the nephew. Mind you, I am cringing as I type this for that was SO NOT ME at all. If you saw me pre or post MLC, I'd be all over Ms. Wonka with concern and commiserate over her fear.

Sorry to say that MLCer's empathy chips are broken and their sexual desire for you takes a nose dive. We become numb to the LBS and think that the LBS is the cause of our unhappiness. Otherwise, why else are we so damned unhappy all the time? You, the LBS, are the tangible 'evidence' of our unhappiness...thus we all FLEE.

Didja know that I did contemplate moving out and renting a place by myself? That was how badly I felt the pressure getting to me. Oh and I was a World Champ Smartphone Hogger!!!

Hang in there...you can outlast your H's MLC...if you decide to do so.

[123Gwen]

Thanks Wonka and friends. Funny thing is I woke up to a nice text from H asking me to restore service so he could use the phone for work. I ignored it, took a shower and then he called and we had a full conversation. The first in months.

I told him in no uncertain terms that his actions had helped me finally arrive at the anger stage. I told him that the separation agreement needs to be negotiated and signed before the holidays or I would scorch the earth if his avoidance required me to file lawsuits for custody, support and property distribution. I guess I did my first 180. I was angry but my voice was clear. I did not yell but there was a clarity in my voice that was never there before. I also told him to get his own phone by the weekend. I never screamed but it was abundantly clear I was not going to wait in the wings like the good wife. My priorities were taking care of our daughters and getting a life of my own.

I sent him a follow up email that reiterated the list of items that must be addressed. I also stated my intention to file a lawsuit if he did not work to resolve the terms of our separation by Thanksgiving. In retrospect it was too wordy but he probably didn't read it. I sent the email for me and my documentation.

I feel relieved. I stated my needs. I feel in control for the first time in months and no matter what happens I believe the girls and I will be fine.

Definitely a good day on the roller coaster. Have to be thankful for those highs because it can change in a second.

[Wonka]

Go girl, Gwen!!!!

For you (female) lurkers, read up and learn! Gwen's the queen of boundary setting while being lovingly firm. And she's just a teeny DB baby. You know who you are...just initials (MB, C, RL). SHAME, SHAME!

Kidding aside...

Seriously, this is the way to go with firm boundary setting and protecting your financial well-being. MLC or not...H needs to hear this loud and clear.

[123Gwen]

New day and I woke understanding it really is just me now. It was sobering but it was honest. NC and GAL. My new reality.

Wow. When I put on my wedding rings I realize I am wearing them for myself. It feels odd but it also makes me feel strong. I believe in the sacrament and the vows. I chose freely to marry my husband. If he chooses not to act married or sleep around or get a divorce then I still need to make my choices. I don't feel like a stander and maybe my feelings will change but for now I am married for better or worse.

This is not about him today. This is about me.

[123Gwen]

So here is is mid afternoon and I have to wonder what is the difference between DBusting and accepting a divorce? I mean my friends think I am now accepting that he has left me for OW. That is true in a way. I know the odds are long but I am not bolting the door on my marriage exactly. I mean if I lovingly detach, go dark and GAL is that giving up? Many people would see it that way.

I mean to an outsider the only real difference is that you are not dating. Because of religious reasons and the 12 month separation requirement in this state nobody really knows I am trying to bust the divorce. Am I a DBer or a giver upper?

[123Gwen]

So I read the Divorce Remedy and in my situation I am already at LRT. I mean there isn't much choice since he is living out of state and involved with OW. That's why I am so confused with Michelle's advice. Basically I am LRT and going dark because he is deep in MLC. I take that to mean it is really down to GAL!

I am praying for my husband and trying to work on me. Use the gift of time but I am not sure if this is DBusting? Opinions anyone?

[Mighty]

Hey Gwen. I hope you are doing OK. It seems like you are becoming very strong and clear. I know it does not feel like that inside, necessarily, but you gotta start somewhere. You making your points and boundaries the way you are is great!

That is a sad slice of irony

Well.... irony is written all over the MLC rollercoaster. I think it is stamped on the entrance ticket.

For example, it's ironic that xh said that the kids "would be fine" and now they don't really want anything to do with him.

XH said that he had to leave because we were dysfunctional and it was unhealthy for the kids. Ha... well now that he's found his *healthy* and well-balanced r, the kids are doing much better. Not... and .... Not.

Or, the kicker- I begged xh to get a vasectomy reversal. I made all the appointments, took him to his appointments, took him to the surgery, took care of him after surgery. Well, I didn't get pregnant, but OW did!

Oh yeah... irony... the list is long, my friend.

That's why I am so confused with Michelle's advice. Basically I am LRT and going dark because he is deep in MLC. I take that to mean it is really down to GAL!

MLC is a horse of a different color. That is why it is truly so important to set boundaries and focus on yourself. It is really not much you can do to influence your spouse during this time. I think there are things you could do, for sure, to close the door totally, but really, this is their time to spin and blow around. It's a matter of when the time comes, see where he lands. In the meantime, keep doing you. When he does land, you want to be the best you that you possible can be. If you want to be there for him, or if he wants you there for him, you will be ready. And, even if you don't or he doesn't, you will be stronger than ever. Either way... you will need to be strong and ready. And you will be. That is when you will find peace and happiness. (I'm looking forward to it! ;))

[123Gwen]

Oh Mighty, I am so sorry to hear OW is pregnant. I have a list of silver linings and the fact H had a vasectomy is one of my top three. That just blows.

Perhaps I am too hung up on the words "remedy" and "busting" - MLC is such an insidious condition. I was not married to a serial cheater. Up until a few months ago I would have trusted him completely. I never had a moment's pause and neither did anyone else. I am not saying he was perfect or the marriage was either but basically it was all really loving and kind and honest.

Now I am questioning the last 25+ years and my ability to judge a person's character. It is scary stuff. I am legally married to someone who looks like my husband but is so far off the rails he has only contacted me twice in 4 months because he is trying to trade in the car and I won't sign the title. All he cares about is the car. Not his kids, not the dog and not me.

That is another silver lining - I mean if he just had issues with the marriage the man I married would still be a father but he left them too. While is it is awful that he quit being a parent it kind of validates that something is very, very wrong. He was agood Dad for many, many years. I mean OW is not worth leaving them behind too and he let her prey on all of us. He is treating us all like trash he left back on the side of the road. Sorry just hitting that anger phase.

Mighty I am so sorry we had to meet here. This is a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. You are right that I must learn to be strong and ready. I am scared but I know you are spot on. Thanks for the encouragement.

[CaliGuy]

Perhaps I am too hung up on the words "remedy" and "busting" - MLC is such an insidious condition. I was not married to a serial cheater. Up until a few months ago I would have trusted him completely. I never had a moment's pause and neither did anyone else. I am not saying he was perfect or the marriage was either but basically it was all really loving and kind and honest.

I too .. felt this way .. umm .. errr .. welcome to the club? MLC is a vicious horrible roller coaster. And at some point .. like you said above ... all you can do is work on you, and give the rest to God. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, in a way we are asked to stuff our feelings, anger, frustrations in a hurt-locker and sit on them until our WAS-MLCrs army crawl out of their tunnels. Its a marathon, pace yourself and when you need .. take a little time out, get your wind, and regroup.

Now I am questioning the last 25+ years and my ability to judge a person's character. It is scary stuff. I am legally married to someone who looks like my husband but is so far off the rails he has only contacted me twice in 4 months because he is trying to trade in the car and I won't sign the title. All he cares about is the car. Not his kids, not the dog and not me.

Nobody can see the MLC coming, its hind sight at this point .. I know I have read things .. like that "Why Do They Run" post ... and said .. I should have seen this coming .. but ya know what .. I had no idea I married a woman who had such issues and history that would turn her this way.

That is another silver lining - I mean if he just had issues with the marriage the man I married would still be a father but he left them too. While is it is awful that he quit being a parent it kind of validates that something is very, very wrong. He was agood Dad for many, many years. I mean OW is not worth leaving them behind too and he let her prey on all of us. He is treating us all like trash he left back on the side of the road. Sorry just hitting that anger phase.

Something else to brace for ... ok .. All This ^^^^^ he will HAVE to deal with when leaving the tunnel, that alone most likely will shoot him back into it, shame alone .. then having to try to make things right ... do prepare yourself to try to make this process easier (planting a seed here). I know in my sitch ... W is ashamed at what she did, she has begun mending with S, but I do fear she feels I will not forgive/forget ... something I myself must work on. I try to remain calm and be the rock, the lighthouse .. its all I can do.


Gwen ... you are doing wonderfully, you can not control WAH, he must walk the walk and take the journey, sounds like he left so much behind, I pray for you and your family .. just know this is a long journey we all must endure.

[MrBond]

"I am praying for my husband and trying to work on me. Use the gift of time but I am not sure if this is DBusting? "

Yes what you are doing is DBing. What other changes have you made?