One of the big problems we had was that I let my anxiety and neediness get in the way of giving her the unconditional love she needed. I didn't put her first.
Now she wants out it feels like I should make that as smooth and easy as possible so that I'm putting her first - but that also feels like doormatting. Any thoughts?
Again being true to me means offering her dinner when im cooking, general favours etc. not sure where I should stand on that as not doing them feels just impolite
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
My h was the wah really. He just bullied and manipulated me to the point I pulled the trigger.
H was in an a! Not sure what's going on, and I'm not aksing. As ever second statement he makes after he's made it, he contradicts what he said and says I was meaning x when I said yz!
He keeps offering to do favours, at times, to be honest it's always creeped me out. I wish he wouldn't. In the early part, I was still wanting him to come home. Even then. It still creeped me.
His attitudes all over the place. One week he refused to sit in the car stating I'm dirty greasy etc. was very stressed about it jumping out of his skin. The other day at med he was ofended I refuse a seat where I would be sitting so close I would be touching him elbow to elbow.
Do what you think best, but doing dinner every night might make it seem desperate and make her feel creeped out.
Last edited by Ggrass; 10/16/1409:34 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Its not so much every night but if I'm cooking for me I offer to cook for her. She always says no though.
The whole thing is just odd (as well as heartbreaking) - 5 weeks ago she was saying she can't sleep without me, now she can't bear to be in the sane room
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Maybe someone will contradict me but surely being polite and asking if she wants tea when you are cooking shouldn't be a problem.
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
Ggrass, my wife is convinced that I bullied her til she pulled the trigger when actually I was just trying to get her to talk to me. Just did it really REALLY badly.
She snapped, and now she's gone. I pushed too hard and too needily
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
My mortgage fell through today which disrupts the plan to buy my W out so she can move. I explained calmly what happened (failed the affordability check)
She was furious. I stayed calm said I understood she was angry and was right to be frustrated (the bank screwed up previously). She got more and more angry and started talking about the deadline of having to be out by Christmas. I calmly reminded her that I had offered to move out temporarily if thats what she needs. She got more angry and threatened to take the kids 200 miles away. She got even more angry.
Not sure what to make of it all and whether i did the right things.
Did get a better sense of why she is so cross at me since she said she wanted a divorce. The level of hostility had confused me but it makes more sense now.
Last edited by jim0987; 10/16/1407:07 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
...I expect to get the Divorce papers the next day and am quite worried about what she will say in there.
.....Working my way through a big stack of reading. DB was first though I think I'll need to reread it. NMMNG arrived today so that's next unless DR or 5LL ever show up.
Was doing OK in front of W until I had a row with her in front of MIL and our kids. I got upset. it quickly descended - not helped by the fact MIL told me to move on which led to me blurting out about OM. If I'd managed 5 steps forward through good conversation this was about 5000 steps back.
D3 said today (after i told her off for hitting her brother) that she 'wished I would just leave and never come back'
So my head is all over the place looking for a way to make it all ok, as it always is. The emptiness is making it difficult to be positive. Really struggle to get past the 'why didn't she say something sooner?' Question and all the if onlys
The right music helps so I'm going to spend some time making a playlist that makes me feel good.
I'm busy but not really sure its GALg. Still my eating is getting more back to normal.
This is harder than I ever would have imagined. So much respect to those of you who have stuck it out and made it work for you
....Apparently not shed a tear about the end of our M and is feeling liberated by it as she is escaping my 'bullying'
I know if I was detached I shouldn't be bothered by this but I'm not there yet.
You know you need to detach and yet you don't. Your MIL told you to detach and yet you didn't listen and got into a fight IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS? You need to detach. Write it on a piece of paper and say it (I will detach from my wife and give her space) out loud as an affirmation 100 times and think about it each time, until you understand what it means.
You comment that your wife is escaping your bullying. Your post also talks about your telling your D3 off. You need to sit down and do some serious introspection about anger issues and bullying. If you do have some of those problems, work on fixing them ASAP.
Now why would you care about what is in the divorce papers? ...unless there is something you are really ashamed of. If there is something you did, then own it and change so it can never happen again. We are all sinners, but that doesn't mean we cann't change. If you actually change, then you can honestly say that you are now a different person who could never do whatever it is.
Now the good news. Her affair is over! That sure didn't last long. Don't worry about her dating. Maybe she will have another failed affair and realize that the grass isn't green on the otherside of the street. Focus for a moment on what a great thing that is that she has actually learned something. Now use that thought to motivate you to work on transforming you into a better and more interesting person. GAL is not about listening to music that makes you feel better. It is hard work to improve yourself.
Now as to where your head is. The typical steps of grief are (1) denial, (2) anger, (3) bargining, (4) depression, (5) acceptance. You are grieving your lost/failed marriage. Learn what is happening to you and work through the process. It sounds like the denial is over. You sound like you still have lots of anger and possibly some depression. Strenuous exercise is an incredible cure for depression. Think about that and your need to do some GAL. You indicated you head is all over the place. Well, an active GAL may really help.
May I suggest that you sign up for a step aerobics class at a local community center or gym (if you belong to one) or you start jogging and sign up for local 5K fund raiser. A step aerobics class will probably have 10 women for every man. Looking at a nice woman's firm "butt" in yoga pants jumping around is a nice diversion, plus it helps get you in shape, loose weight, and helps ease depression. What could be better than that? Also most fund raising runs under a half marathon have about 3 women to every 1 or 2 men who participate. The purpose is not for you to start dating, but to work on your ego and self image. You might be surprised at some of the women who take an interest in you. It was great for my ego and I am sure it will be great for yours.
A final thought. Apologize to your daughter and work on building a relationship with your children. No matter what happens you will still be their father and you want them to invite you to their wedding someday. Try to include them in some GAL activity like walking or swimming. If you wife sees you as a different person with her children, then she might rethink her views on you.
You know you need to detach, you have a great reading list, now you need to read it and implement what you are learning. Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
You are right about pretty much everything (kids aside).
I didn't think I was a bully but a lot of what I did, was bullying. I'm owning that but not liking it. Ive also realised that a lot of what I did with good intent could have so easily been interpreted negatively - for example when I was encouraging my W to go for promotion because she is easily good enough, she could have seen that as me saying she isn't good enough as she is.
GAL at the moment is swimming, running, squash. Starting yoga on Monday. Need to find something more sociable.
The kids side is the only place I disagree. That row was the first time my kids have ever seen us row - not proud but was unusual. I could blame the atmosphere and what was said but I didn't do a good enough job of catching myself (which is more of a pattern than I realised). As for telling D3 off, she was put on the naughty step for hurting her brother and I talked to her about how she needs to care for her little brother. I do alright with the kids though I will admit my patience has been much less since 'IDLY'
Divorce papers shouldn't bother me just apprehensive what she will say - I know it will hurt.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Started reading NMMNG last night and its worryingly accurate description of me. On the positive if I fit the problem hopefully some of the solutions will work for me.
Also helped me to realise that for all the detailed reasoning and analysis I've been doing it actually all boils down to the fact that my actions were making my W feel bad about herself and her life - and after a while you just don't want to be around that.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
